Refereeasy On The Eyes

This week’s Raw certainly raised a few questions about what direction WWE is going in and I can’t say I hate it. But what exactly happened this week? Read on, Mon Cherie.

Raw opened this week with CM Punk and blowhard Paul Heyman who acted as Punk’s mouthpiece yet again. Heyman explained that he and Punk were holding Raw hostage, due to the injustice of the previous week when CM Punk lost against John Cena despite having his foot on the rope. To smooth this injustice, Heyman called out Referee Brad Maddox to the ring to apologies and resign.

Maddox agreed and came to the ring. Side note, how hot is Maddox? He’s actually a wrestler whose real name is Brent Wellington and he was previously part of FCW (or NXT as it’s now known). Anyways, he’s got a banging ass which looks even better in tights.

Courtesy of Just Us Boys Forum

Moving on, Maddox did apologise saying he genuinely didn’t see what happened but he refused to resign. He then explained that he was actually called upon last minute by AJ Lee, the GM, as a replacement. For those who aren’t in the know, the NFL (American Football) recently had a referee crisis in which their referees went on strike. In response, NFL drafted in some “replacement referees” who weren’t so good thus creating lots of controversy and WWE decided to use it for leverage.

So, Punk then used to opportunity to berate the GM causing her to come out and defend herself. Maddox left the ring and AJ faced Heyman and Punk. Punk then decided he’d mock AJ and her previous breakdown in which she proposed to him because nobody had ever really been nice to her. This resulted in Paul Heyman proposing to AJ, promising they’d become a power couple akin to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. AJ decided to slap him instead.

Backstage, Sexy Ref apologised to AJ for what happened. She got all weird and said she’d fire him if it ever happened again. Bitch per-lease.

The first match of the night was Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston. Ziggler was accompanied by Vickie as always and Kofi was accompanied by tag team partner R Truth and his imaginary friend Little Jimmy. Vickie decided to mock Little Jimmy whilst he was sat down, enraging Truth who confronted her. In all fairness, Jimmy was just having a nice drink and some popcorn. Anyways, things got heated, R Truth threw water at Vickie and both were ejected from ringside.

The match got underway and I have to say it was brilliant. JR was right; it turned very quickly into a main event match up with lots of finish fake outs and just generally cool moves. Ultimately, it was Dolph who would pick up the win over Kofi.

It was then announced that John Cena has had surgery on his elbow and would discuss his future.

We then had another Daniel Bryan/Kane/Doctor Shelby Anger Management session. These have been a real highlight and I implore you to check it out.

Match two was the Prime Time Players v Zack Ryder and Santino Morella. WWE really does seem to be giving more light to Tag Teams but I am nervous about the number of tag team matches on WWE programming over singles. I understand it’s a way of displaying as much talent as possible but it can get a little predictable. Anyways, it was a good match and the Prime Time Players are getting better with each bout. They picked up the win.

Then out came Mick Foley. Honestly, I don’t want to recap it. His speech to Punk about being a legend and not a statistic was awesome.

WATCH!

Then it was The Miz v Ryback. Here’s where I eat humble pie. I argued that Ryback wouldn’t last very long and that he sucks. I stand by the sucks comment but it’s obvious the crowd love him for some reason. Maybe it’s to do with his resemblance to loveable funnyman Will Sasso. Who knows. And, actually, his match against The Miz wasn’t terrible. The Miz got a few shots in. The show, however, was stolen by a crazed fan who ran into the ring and was immediately tackled. I thought it was just some schtick but clearly it wasn’t. Maybe it was one of the jobbers Ryback destroyed? Both men were extremely professional and carried on, with Ryback picking up the win.

Then we had more anger management.

Backstage, in AJ’s office, she wanted to make it clear to all referees including Sexy Ref that it should be business as normal and they should go out there and do what they do best. After the referees left and I stopped thinking about what I’d like to do to Maddox, Alberto Del Rio came in flunked by David Otunga and Ricardo Rodriguez. The men weren’t happy and AJ knew saying they deserved some sort of vengeance and would all team up against Sheamus, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara.

Then the Wade Barrett onslaught continued with a fantastic win over Tyson Kidd.

Michael Cole then took to the ring to interview Jerry Lawler. WWE handled the episode of Raw where Jerry had the heart attack really well but, once they realised Lawler was alive and kicking, they’re milking that cash cow until it’s dry. I think trying to profit from a heart attack is terrible but it’s not surprising. Not only did they trail Lawler’s interview like it was the rising of Christ but now they’re selling a Long Live The King t-shirt. Mamma mia. Jerry does look good though. Keep well, King.

Then it was time for 6 man tag action. Botchamania favourites Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up with Sheamus to face ADR, Otunga and Ricardo. The match was what you’d expect but it got the point across and didn’t make me want to rip my own eyeballs out too much. Sin Cara picked up the win with a Sheamus assist and then Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Otunga. And balance is restored.

Then we got another instalment off Diner Anger Management.

After that, it was time for Daniel Bryan and Kane to come out and discover what their tag team name would be. The suggestions were generally horrible and they were all prefixed by the word “team” which is clearly WWE’s way of jumping onto the Twilight Team Edward/Jacob/Bella nonsense. Anyways, the Universe plumbed for Team Hell No but, before they could celebrate, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow jumped in to attack them.

Cody then took to the mic and announced they would be known as Team Rhodes Scholars. It seems a little mean to give a guy with a lisp that many s’s but he managed. I guess this “team” thing is going to stick. Might cause confusion come Survivor Series.

After that  got some Divas Tag Action with Layla and Alicia Fox facing Beth Phoenix and Eve. It was actually a good match and you can’t fault Eve’s wrestling. I am surprised that she can fall on her face without those teeth getting stuck in the mat though.

After Eve stole a win from Beth, Kaitlyn came out and said she remembers that the person who attacked her at Night Of Champions was blonde. Eve immediately pinned it on Beth and took her out. But who could it be (note: definitely not Kelly Kelly… bye, bitch, btw)? Either way, it’s nice to see the Divas getting a real storyline. Nothing like a good whodunit.

Funkasaurus Brodus Clay went against Lord Tensai next. It was a boring match until Big Show came out and knocked both men out. I don’t know if it was even for anything other than to break up what was a very dull bout.

Then it was time for Cena to face the public. He came out and did his usual schtick of saying he’s had a shit week, that he’s not sure if he can go on. Then he, as always, contradicted himself, and said that he’d make sure he was ready to face Punk at Hell In A Cell. I’m actually excited for that match and I love Cena but I think the guy should take a break. He’s just had surgery. I fear he’ll end up doing himself way too much damage.

Punk then came out and berated him and told Cena to get out of his ring. Punk and Heyman gave him to the count of three but, as Punk turned, Cena grabbed a steel pipe from his shorts (giggle) and beat on Punk with it.

Backstage, Punk sloped back still in pain from the attack. There, he noticed Mick Foley and decided to beat him up. Punk walked away but attempted to go back but he was stopped in his tracks by a terrifying sight… Ryback. Hahaha, I know right? Anyways, Punk walked away.

So what does this mean? Well, WWE are focussing more on Tag Teams and Divas. The Superheavyweights are probably going to have a superheavyweight feud and Ryback is probably going to be pushed to the main event. I mostly don’t hate it. Mostly.

Until next time,

XO-WB

Vince McSlammed

This week’s Raw was actually quite enjoyable. I am, however, a super McFahon (that’s a Fan of the McMahon Family) so any appearance by any of them was always going to bolster my enjoyment. It was also the first 3 hour Raw. I’m currently reviewing the way I recap because 3 hour Raws are going to be a bitch to do in this current format. So if you’ve any ideas, let me know.

The show opened with J-Lau who was surprisingly chipper considering he was having a job evaluation. It’s been a point of contention amongst WWE fans because we’re all pretty sure Vince got stripped of his day to day duties. But, it’s Vince so I decided to let it go. Before J-Lau could get past even introducing himself, Vince’s music hit and the crowd went wild. I love Vince’s strut and often try to emulate it but I was chastised for mocking Cerebral Palsy so had to stop. Vince even did a backwards strut; it was a thing of beauty.

In the ring, J-Lau extended his hand but Vince refused noting that he didn’t know where it’d been. Ooh, bitch please. Vince then waved away J-Lau’s insistence that he was an astute businessman blaming him for the 2 lawsuits that came with the Lesnar signing. I was torn here because, technically, it was Triple H’s fault but at the same time… Brock Lesnar is a prick. Vince then continued explaining that The Big Show’s signing was also a bad idea as he’s not performed effectively since 1999. I found this ironic on the same night in which The Great Khali in a number one contender’s match was deemed a good idea. More on that later.

The party was then interrupted by Sheamus. Sheamus came to the ring and it seemed like he was going to defend J-Lau but he actually launched into a tirade against him. This was interrupted by Vince who announced that “#firejohnny” was trending worldwide. This is what we’ve come to; the Chairman of WWE announcing hashtags live on air. In led me to wish that Vince had a Twitter too but I guess the parody accounts can tide me over.

It all came to an end when Vince warned J-Lau that he had to impress or he will be fired. Vince then left the ring on J-Lau’s scooter which he then drove off the stage. RIP Scooter. J-Lau vowed revenge on Sheamus announcing he’d have a match against… Lord Tensai. Eurgh.

The Tensai match sucked and Sheamus got the win. Backstage, Vince, J-Lau and Teddy discussed who might be Del Rio’s replacement at No Way Out. Vickie interrupted suggesting her two clients get in on the action. It was then left to Teddy to suggest a Fatal Fourway… Ziggler, Swagger, Christian and… THE GREAT KHALI. FREAKIN’ KHALI?! The only push he should be getting is in a wheelchair. He can barely walk. Vince declared it a “great” idea. I hope he was being sarcastic.

After the break we were back in the ring where Tensai and his Japanese Lover Sakamoto were standing awkwardly. It appeared as if though they’d waited an entire ad break for something. Turns out, it was for Tensai to beat up his lover. It was like Brokeback but breathy-ier and just plain weird. Obviously, this was an attempt to make Tensai seem domineering but it just came across as two angry lesbians having a fall out.

Backstage once more to R Truth and Matt Striker. Truth was basically sounding off about Big Show saying that he’s going to lose against Cena. This didn’t go down so well with Big Show, who knocked Truth out with the WMD. I must admit, I’m not keen on the Big Show angle but the WMD is a bad ass move.

A rare mixed tag match was next with Santino Morella teaming with Layla to face the team of Beth Phoenix and Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer… Ricardo Rodriguez. The match was actually pretty fun and it seemed to be the Divas wrestling properly and the two men joking outside. The joking was actually quite fun and Ricardo running into the ring post was a personal highlight. However, Beth annihilated Layla with the GlamSlam to pick up the win. Afterwards, Santino and Ricardo tussled which led to Santino angrily tearing open Ricardo’s shirt. However, things got super homo as it was revealed that Ricardo was wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt underneath. Brilliant.

Backstage, David Otunga began complimenting Vince on his physique and suggested that, if J-Lau were to be fired, he’d be the perfect replacement. This didn’t go down well with Vince who announced that he hates lawyers. An angry Kofi stormed in, wanting Big Show’s blood for beating up his partner. J-Lau intervened announcing Kofi as Show’s opponent in a warm-up cage match.

Daniel Bryan then made his way to the ring. He said that he was the obvious winner because he wasn’t being distracted like Punk and Kane were. The reason for the distraction? AJ. Bryan said that AJ may still love him but he feels nothing for her. He also made a great joke that 2^nd base for Kane is someone not throwing up when they look at him. He then made the proclamation that “one you’ve gone Bryan, there’s no point in tryin’. He ACTUALLY said that. I actually used to have a saying like that myself “One sexy night with me, you’ve definitely got an STD”.

Punk then interrupted saying that Bryan was delusional and questioned how AJ could love anybody who had a “goatface”. Kane then came out to reel off a strange CV which included electrocuting Shane McMahon’s testicles. AJ then ran to the ring, wanting them to stop arguing. She told Kane that deep down she knew he had a heart, she told Bryan that she will always love him and she told Punk that well, HE’S JUST SOOOOO CUTE AND FRICKIN’ AWESOME!11. I must be fair to AJ, that’s how I react every time Dolph or Cody are on my screen. J-Lau’s face then appeared on the titantron where he announced that Kane and Bryan will team up against Punk and… AJ. Ooooh.

Then it was Fatal Fourway time. After the real wrestlers got rid of Khali who made things so slow I had to check my TV settings, it all got very awesome. Dolph was magnificent as always but there were some great near falls and submissions. The big scandal was Dolph screwing over Swagger to eliminate him. Obviously, the pull away from Team Vickie continues. It was then down to Christian and Dolph. And I am thrilled to say that DOLPH WON! HE ACTUAL WON! HE COULD BECOME CHAMPION! I’m not getting ahead of myself but I’ve bought a bottle of champagne just in case.

Backstage once more and Vince was cornered by Natalya who wanted him to bring back the Hart Family in some sort of reunion. Vince looked as interested in that proposition as I would be a lesbian three-way. Vince walked away but was interrupted by Naomi and Cameron aka the Funkadactyls. They wanted Vince to overturn J-Lau’s decision to remove Brodus from Raw and only have him on Smackdown. Vince, however, refused to overturn the decision. The two girls were upset but decided to instead get funky with Vince in what is one of my favourite moments ever. The entire thing was capped off by Zack Ryder whose shocked face was absolutely brilliantly timed and executed. The excitement on his face when Vince fist pumped the air yelling “woo woo woo” was just brilliant. It’s also the face I pull every time someone on WWE gets a wedgie.

Ryback then squashed two more thin, weedy wrestlers. I don’t understand how WWE thinks that makes him look tough. It’s like a jock beating up two nerds. It isn’t tough or cool, it’s weak and cowardly. I wish it’d stop as it’s getting boring. WWE has too much of this going on. We’ve got Sin Cara defeating everyone, we’ve got Big Show knocking everyone out, we’ve got Tensai throwing his weight around and Ryback doing the same. It’s getting boring, very quick and it isn’t how you build someone. Look at Ziggler. He loses most of his matches yet his in-ring skill and character are so good… he doesn’t need to win to be a winner.

Things went from bad to worse as, backstage, Vince and Hornswaggle mocked JR. The guy is a WWE Legend. He’s popular with fans. To mock his Bell’s Palsy isn’t fair and disrespectful. I don’t approve at all.

Cena then showed up to suggest that Vince should do the right thing and fire J-Lau. Vince told Cena to worry about himself and not get involved in the Kofi/Show cage match. Cena reassured Vince that he wouldn’t do so as Kofi had already asked him not to. Convenient. Otunga then turned up again and things got awesome as Vince, after declaring Otunga a sycophant, said he’d never respect anyone who could actually pucker up and kiss and guy’s ass. We then cut to an annoyed looking William Regal.

It was then time for the Big Show/Kofi Kingston cage match. It was exactly as expected and Kofi was utterly destroyed. But hey, we got to hear CAGE MUSIC! WOO!

Sin Cara then defeated Curt Hawkings in a “no shit Sherlock” conclusion.

Daniel Bryan and Vince then spoke backstage and Vince awkwardly mocked Bryan for not looking like a superstar and losing in 18 seconds. Bryan looked pissed and it was confusing really because we’re meant to hate Bryan but that made us hate Vince. But then I realised it was the WWE and just kind of glossed over it in my brain. Along with eating, it’s my coping mechanism.

Then came a nice surprise. The one-off return of Vader! Vader went up against Heath Slater and the man is looking GREAT. He moves better than Khali! It was a great match which he, of course, won to celebrate 1000 episodes of Raw.

Backstage once more and Punk warned AJ not to do anything crazy. Her nodding made it seemed like she understood but the look in her eyes said otherwise.

That match was up next and it was actually pretty good. Punk tried his best to ensure AJ wasn’t tagged in but Punk was shoved into her and the referee registered the tag. The crowd waited with baited breath to see what Kane would do to her but well, she jumped on him, wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him. That’s right. She made out with him. Kane immediately tagged himself out and left the ring to allow Punk to get tagged in and pin Bryan for the win.

Then it was the big decision; would Vince fire J-Lau. I began to contemplate a world without people power and a tear fell from my eye. J-Lau came out and tried to defend himself but it was clear Vince was gearing himself up for a firing. It looked as if it was about to happen until Big Show made his way to the ring. Show tried to defend J-Lau but this was all interrupted by John Cena.

Cena didn’t seem to care so much for the HR nightmare in the ring but instead told Show that he’d made a grave mistake. See, Show has been blaming everyone for his downfalls so if he loses to Cena, he’s only got himself to blame. And, he’ll have to work the rest of his contract knowing that he’s a sell out. The heated words got to Big Show who went for Cena. Security Guards were scattered everywhere as the two men went to brawl. As Vince went to break it up he was met instead by the WMD, knocking him out.

This was on the anniversary of the great Limo explosion which we thought killed Vince but actually didn’t. But, if you looked at Cena’s face… the punch might’ve.

So that was the first 3 hour Raw and my hand hurts doing this recap. Expect a different format next week!

Until then,

XO-WB

WMDismal

Hey everyone! So we’re back to written recaps because, well, you guys just preferred them. Thanks to everyone who voted on the poll. And if you didn’t vote then I CURSE THEE. It was a night of prediction fails but what exactly went down at Over The Limit? Read on.

So the show opened with the People Power Battle Royal. It began on the WWE Youtube Pre-Show and spilled over to the main show. Eve set it up where the winner would face either Cody Rhodes or Santino Morella that night. It was your usual group of people lucky to get a paycheck including Khali whose knees you can actually hear creaking through the TV. The surprise entrant, bland Superstar Christian. I don’t like Christian, never have. I find him dull. It became clear immediately who would win.

Another entrant was the downtrodden Miz who has put up with a lot of shit recently. It came down to Miz and Christian but, predictably, Christian won. He hinted that he’d face Santino later that night.

Then we had Vickie Guerrero whose dress was a strange mix of extremely sex with availability for keyhole surgery. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to turn me on or if she was just prepped for Kidney surgery. Dolph Ziggler also made a bold fashion choice with a diamond studded dog collar. The annoying thing is, he even made that look not gay. He’s the Ridiculously Photogenic Guy of the WWE. Dolph in a dog collar also kinda turned me on as I’ve always wanted to make him my bitch. Dolph along with Jack Swagger went up against the team of Kofi Kingston and R-Truth. I’m going to start calling Kofi “Betty Ford” because he seems to constantly associate with drug addicts.

The match, for the titles, was your average fair and Kofi and Dolph did some fantastic work. The quality of the match, however, was overshadowed by the awful commentary. I get its Lawler’s job to be mean about Vickie but not throughout the entire damn match. It was annoying and, even more annoyingly, Dolph and Swagger lost. Not so annoyingly, Abraham Washington was nowhere to be found. THANK. GOD.

Backstage, powerbitch Eve and David Otunga chatted to Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks. They requested that the two go into the crowd and destroy any signs. I’ve often dreamed of a wrestler destroying something of mine… but I don’t mean a sign.

We then had Divas action and I’m starting to become one of those annoying people who say something is “definitely” happening when it’s not. You know it’s bad when dirtsheets seem better informed. I’m obsessed with Kharma and when she’ll return and I presumed it’d happen at OTL but it didn’t. What we did get, though, was fantastic. Beth and Layla worked great together and the match was outstanding. Also, it was long! They were given time and the two were evenly matched in terms of skill. Layla picked up the win to retain her Divas Title. Their match, however, was also ruined by bad commentary. Booker T said that Layla shouldn’t wrestle in a knee brace as it’s “impossible”. Erm, talk to Stone Cold, idiot.

Backstage, Randy Orton was being interviewed for reasons I can’t explain. I nodded off momentarily because even his voice is boring but perked up when Jericho entered the room. Jericho said he’d win because he’s the best in the world. This annoys me because his whole feud with Punk was over that moniker. He lost the right to use it. I get he’s a bad guy but it’s called character development.

Then it was Fatal Fourway time as Orton, Sheamus, Y2J and Alberto Del Rio all faced off. This wasn’t a match I was looking forward to but I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It was quite gripped and I didn’t know who was going to win. I hadn’t been this torn since I accidentally opened two different porn movies and had to decide which one to watch. I went with plumber who gets grease on his shorts. Thanks for asking.

It was melee in every sense of the word and it seemed that Orton was going to RKO his way to victory but Sheamus swooped in to get the win.

Backstage, Eve chatted to Cody Rhodes. I had to re-watch their chat 20 times because for the first 19 I kept yelling “BITCH, STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN” furiously at the screen. The two chatted about how brave J-Lau is and that Christian will win the US Title and give it legitimacy. Cody expressed concern that Christian was too rusty but Captain ChariZZZma overheard and decided he’d go after Cody’s Intercontinental Title instead. Douche.

Then The Miz came out for his second match of the night, this time against Brodus Clay. The Miz said he was sick of the WWE Universe fawning over the Funkasaurus because he’s so ridiculous. I agree with Miz and his beautiful bouncing boobs, but then thinks took a turn for the worse… Miz danced. I love Miz and I think he is awesome but this was embarrassing. Miz’s career has crashed so hard I’m thinking of renaming him Princess Diana. After copying the dance from Thriller, Miz went up against Brodus and lost. Again. To a human dinosaur. Seriously. Princess freakin’ Diana.

Curt and Tyler then decided to REKS some signs… I’m sorry. That won’t happen again. The confiscated several signs and decided to tear them up. It was a bit brutal but completely delicious and, it being Reks and Hawkins I half expected the signs to end up victorious but these two finally got a win.

Cody Rhodes then came out and said he was glad he was never bought up in North Carolina as they’re all pretty much stupid. I love this man. He then had to face ChriZZZtian for the IC Title. I must admit it was a good match but that was only because Cody made it look so good. Now yes, I wish to ride Cody’s penis like it was a fairground attraction but he’s also very talented and he deserves a better opponent. Sorry, Peeps. Cody, however, lost and Christian picked up the win. Grumble.

CM Punk then got interviewed and basically talked about how much D-Bry had changed. Then AJ went all shadow lurker. It was kinda awkward.

I’ve decided not to recap the Punk v Bryan match and I implore you to watch it for yourselves. It was many, many shades of awesome but I did wish it’d gone on a little longer. The two are very talented and I am very happy to see that it looks like this feud will continue. I do think WWE missed a trick with this one because they should’ve somehow included AJ. They hinted at it enough but, story is story and we’ll see if that comes back around.

Backstage once more to a grinning Teddy Long. Teddy said that he has no desires on becoming GM but he believes that Eve and Otunga might end up running WWE should J-Lau have lost. I would be SO up for that.

Then WWE forgot this was a PPV and not an episode of NXT and offered us Camacho vs Rybeck. The crowd decided to show their support for Skip Sheffield’s new gimmick by chanting “Goldberg”. I do love the WWE Universe. I really do.

Then it was time for the big one. J-Lau vs John Cena. J-Lau was wearing an outfit for cycling but he still looked good. Many fans has argued that this was a ridiculous match but it was supposed to be. Cena believed that there could be no outside interference and you must admit, the entire think was VERY funny. The two of them sat, J-Lau slumped in the commentary booth pretending to be Booker T. It was genius. Kudos to J-Lau.

Then things took a turn for the sucky. J-Lau tried to run away but then was dragged back by Big Show. Cena went for the AA but Big Show hit the WMD and J-Lau won. It was too predictable, so predictable I didn’t even predict it as I thought there’d be a swerve. I was wrong and instead we’re left with an awful few weeks of mean Big Show. It really sucks, WWE. Cena is your top guy and you’re sticking him with Lesnar and Show? Despicable.

So that was Over The Limit. I thought it was mostly really good.

What did you think?

Until next time,

XO-WB

Bitch Broadcast 3

Hey everyone!

Sorry for the lack of update but I was being lazy. Meh, what you gonna do?

The 3rd Bitch Broadcast is up and ready for you.

Just click play to listen or just right click this link and save target as.

Marvellous,

XO-WB

Bitch Broadcast

Hey!

As our 1st Birthday looms closer, I wanted to offer you a new way of getting the recap.

So I thought and thought and thought I’d try audio!

Enjoy the first (and maybe last) ever Bitch Broadcast.

If you like it, let me know, I’ll make more.

XO-WB

Or, right-click this link and save target as.

The Brock ‘n’ Jock Connection

So Raw was another lively event! I must say, Raw is really gearing up. I may not be a fan of Brock Lesnar but I certainly can’t deny that he’s added a new depth to it, a new excitement. I just wish the WWE could do that with actual superstars but whatevs. I’ll take what I can get. So what went down? Well read on!

Raw began with my own personal hero J-Lau who has a super awesome Dynasty-esque entrance music. J-Lau wanted everyone to know that Brock is back to add a new level of legitimacy to WWE and he was now the new face of WWE. Many people have wondered why J-Lau hates Cena so much. Well, when CM Punk won the WWE title at Money In The Bank, J-Lau and Vince McMahon had attempted a re-do of the Montreal Screwjob. Cena interrupted this, punching J-Lau in the face. J-Lau vowed vengeance and, well, he got it.

He called out Brock who basically said that he was now top dog and that J-Lau had made a great decision. Not happy with this sort-of orgy, Cena interrupted the party. He then started mouthing off at Brock and then proceeded to slap him in the face. Brock retaliated by delivering several punches to Cena, one which bust his lip open. A bloody Cena and an enraged Brock were pulled apart by the entire locker room. What I wouldn’t give to have that many men on top of me… again.

Later, backstage, an enraged J-Lau blamed Teddy Long because he was meant to keep Cena contained. This, obviously, super failed. Then my other new personal hero Eve entered and J-Lau offered her a one-to-one. Eve told him to call her. It was totally legit, you guys.

The first match of the night was Funkasaurus Brodus Clay & Santino Morella vs Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger. If you remember, last week, Brodus got all up in Dolph’s grill with a headbutt. It’d seem that this match would deliver a similar fate. It’s nice to see Brodus given a chance to stretch his legs rather than just shimmying them.  Ziggler was bouncing around all over the place but ended up falling fowl to Brodus jumping on top of him for the win. I hope this doesn’t put Ziggler off being mounted.

Backstage, a bloody-mouthed Cena told J-Lau that he should keep trying. He said that he loves hitting and he loves being hit. Who knew Cena was so kinky? Anyways, he said that a bit of blood isn’t going to stop him (his poor wife!) and that he wanted a match and J-Lau can choose his opponent. J-Lau chose Otunga. Yeah… me neither.

Backstage further, we saw Santino looking for guest hosts The Three Stooges. I was hoping they’d be unable to make it. Anyways, Santino didn’t find The Three Stooges and ended up bumping into Kane who was inexplicably stood in a corner.

The second match of the night went to Cody Rhodes vs R Truth. I like to call Cody “Bulgy” on account of his bulge. What? This was never a thinking-man’s blog. The match went ahead as normal and it seemed Cody was going to pick up the win until The Big Show interfered again. This time it was to show Cody footage of him showing Cody footage. It was like Inception but I had an erection this time. This was enough to distract Cody, allowing R Truth to pick up the win. DAMN YOU BIG SHOW, DAMN YOU TO HELL.

Backstage, Santino finally found The Three Stooges in a box. What ensured was “hilarity”. I use quotations because it wasn’t funny. In all fairness though, they had a great “think outside the box” gag. Like I said, not a thinking-man’s blog.

The next match-up was to be Yoshi Tatsu vs Lord Tensai. One of these men is Japanese. The other is a slightly racist cartoon-y Japanese wannabe. Tensai did his usual schtick of being the living hell out of Yoshi. Problem being is that nobody cares about Yoshi Tatsu so the crowd don’t hate Tensai enough. I have a feeling they’re going to re-work him a bit, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he disappeared off Raw for a while.

Next up was round 2 of CM Punk v Mark Henry. Before the match got underway though, Punk wanted to share his emotions with the crowd. Usually when people show their emotions I ignore them and end the relationship but I’d lost my TV remote so was forced to listen. Punk basically said that being covered in whiskey made him smell like his Dad when he got home from “work”. It could be worse; he could’ve poured semen and cigarettes over him and made him smell like his sister. Jericho then appeared on screen to yell at Punk, infer he was hungover and that he was now “CM Drunk”. LOL Chris, you so punny.

The match got going but Jericho causes the distraction by mincing down the ramp with some unrecognisable brand of beer. Henry pretty much decimated Punk and then Jericho added insult to injury by pouring cheap beer all over him.

It was then time for the weekly dose of “hey, remember when he was doing well?” when Zack Ryder went up against Alberto Del Rio. Ryder barely got an offence in apart from his awesome Broski boot (which totally looks like it connects every time. I’m not being sarcastic, shit is cray-cray). Ryder ended up falling victim to Del Rio’s arm breaker and tapping out. Wah wah wahhhhhh.

It was then 3 Stooges time. One of them was missing as he had a “big idea”. It turns out this entire segment was just totally awesome. They played the Hulk Hogan entrance music and the crowd went wild and Will Sasso came out dressed like Hogan. He then did an AMAZING Hogan impression. Honestly, I was in hysterics. I hate myself for it but, don’t judge me, girl. There was one person who didn’t like it though; Kane. He came out and chokeslammed him. Rude.

Backstage, Mark Henry vowed he’d become World Heavyweight Champion by beating CM Punk. ERMMMM, might be a tad difficult, Mark. Punk’s WWE Champion. FOOL.

Backstage once again, Lesnar said that John Cena couldn’t even hold his jockstrap. Ew, who’d want to? It probably smells like manure and chewing tobacco. However, if Cody Rhodes or Dolph Ziggler would like to send me theirs… I’d happily accept. Lesnar kept referring to John Cena as “pretty”. He’s kind of like a Prison top dog. I also think Lesnar might be a little gay. Just sayin’… here comes the pain is probably an anal reference.

This lead us into our main event which would be David Otunga vs John Cena. Otunga entered wearing what can only be described as literally a crate of baby oil. The dude looked so shiny, it’d looked like he’d been carved out of wet clay. Cena was on fine form and the match wasn’t actually so bad. J-Lau sat ringside, texting and tweeting. I’d call him rude but that’s what I do quite regularly now. Almost got hit by a truck… worth it.

Cena managed to pick up the win but this joy was short lived as Brock saw fit to kick Cena in the nuts and hit the F5 on him.

All in all an interesting Raw. The Three Stooges weren’t as sucky as I imagined but I find it a little odd that the theme of Raw at the moment is “legitimacy” and then they have them guest host. But WWE has always been a big old box of contradictions.

Until next time,

XO-WB

I Don’t Want To #Asscape

Raw was an interesting affair and I’m getting more and more excited as we lead into Wrestlemania.

Raw also provided some sexy shots. From Cena being tossed around like a bitch to Ziggler’s new Ass-cape complete with booty dance entrance… Raw is getting REAL homo. And I love it.

So, why not have a gallery?

Enjoy.

XO-WB

Undertakin’ The Piss

Hey everyone.

So this week’s Raw was interesting because not a lot happened yet, a lot happened. I know that doesn’t make much sense but basically, it was a show that was packed with quality rather than trying to get loads of segments in.

We began with my SMS BFF J-Lau who was coming out after some fantastic work at the Royal Rumble. Now, it was a big night for J-Lau because Triple H was coming to do a job evaluation on him. FYI, these things usually happen in offices rather than in the ring but WWE Corporate policy is rather shady. J-Lau was beaming; I’ve not seen him so happy since he got that new Unlimited Texting plan. He said he had a lot to tell us and boy did he.

He first announced the big Raw Elimination Chamber match. Elimination Chamber is usually a great PPV and also is a really fun stipulation. Anyways, the match will consist of CM Punk, The Miz, R Truth, Kofi Kingston & Dolph Ziggler. A great match. But was that to be all? Oh no. He announced that the big Raw card for the night would be Beth Phoenix vs Eve for the Diva’s Title, The Miz vs Kofi Kingston and… CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan! My God the man is a hero. He was about to announce more but CM Punk interrupted.

See, for some reason, Punk still hasn’t gotten over his dislike for J-Lau. I don’t know his problem but he needs to check his attitude. J-Lau is an AMERICAN HERO, OK?! HE’S A FRICKIN’ GOOD GUY. Sorry, it just… I can’t stand to see such a good guy persecuted like that. Anyways, Punk went on and on about how J-Lau was going to get fired and, get this, J-Lau did nothing except extend his hand to Punk who then threatened him with a GTS. What is his problem? As I thought things couldn’t get any worse, out came Daniel Bryan. Now, Bryan’s new affinity with yelling “yes” all the time is starting to make him look like he’s permanently having an orgasm. SHUT UP.

Bryan told Punk that he is a role model because he doesn’t eat meat and that means he’ll beat Punk. Punk then said “well what do you eat?” To which the answer should be: your mother’s pussy. What the fuck Punk? A gay joke? Really? How about you eat a better script you condescending jackass? *ahem* As things began to heat up, Sheamus then made his way to the ring to say that no matter who wins the Elimination Chamber matches, he will win the title at Wrestlemania, fella.

The first match of the night was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler. The match was interesting because rather than have an extra guy on commentary, they decided to have Wade Barrett in a private box with Josh Matthews overlooking the ring. I thought this was a great idea not only because it made for interesting viewing but I also like the idea of Josh Matthews entering someone’s box. The match itself was actually pretty good but became quickly overshadowed by Orton’s penchant for trying to tear off the tights of the guys he’s fighting. He almost tore Wade a new butthole at the Rumble and this time it was Dolph’s perky cheeks that were set to tumble out. This meant that, despite that fact he was meant to play dead, Dolph was too preoccupied with covering his ASSets and it wasn’t professional. I may be mad that there wasn’t enough Dolph buttcheek. Orton picked up the win and Dolph picked up the pieces of material stuck in his funzone.

Backstage, J-Lau was saying hello to the staff and bumped into William Regal. He asked how Regal’s son was and the answer he ended up getting was, well… frightening.

http://yearofhunico.tumblr.com/

http://yearofhunico.tumblr.com/

http://yearofhunico.tumblr.com/

The next match was the weekly Funkasaurus beat down and this week’s victim was to be Tyler Reks. Jerry Lawler made a joke that the Funkasaurus was facing T-Reks and I was immediately hooked. That is AWESOME. These guys need to be in a tag team. Can you imagine? They’d be Jurassic Park themed; they could have their own slogan “Boots To Jurassics”. It would be amazing and if WWE don’t do it then I will be forced to create it in my head. YEAH, TAKE THAT WWE. Brodus won, btw but you knew that already.

Backstage once more to CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Bryan was again boasting about being vegan and how it makes him better. Punk said he wasn’t a role model, just the best wrestler in the world. Are we meant to start hating Punk? He called Beth Phoenix a douchebag but I’m starting to think she wasn’t the problem.

Then it was time for the match as Punk and Bryan went head to head. I must admit, it was a real good match which was all kicks and had some real fun “spots”. It was nice to see Bryan so in his element but I must admit I wasn’t cheering for anyone. I hate to get all “analytical” but is anyone else thinking that Punk and Bryan are two of the most one dimensional characters in the WWE at the moment? I’m just becoming a little bored and Bryan’s “yes, yes, yes” heel turn may be working but eventually it has to go somewhere. He drops between face and heel and it just isn’t working.

ANYWAYS BACK TO THE LOLs as Y2J ran to the ring, threw Bryan into a barrier for the DQ and hit the Codebreaker to knock out Punk. It wasn’t that funny but at least they’re finally doing something with him. Yes, I’m referring to the Royal Rumble WHERE THE WRONG PERSON WON.

Oh, oh, here’s something funny. Mike Tyson is in the Hall Of Fame. You heard right. I guess that’s another ring he’ll be touching despite being begged not to. Hahaha. Rape jokes.

Next was the Kofi Kingston v The Miz match that J-Lau had previously promised. Miz made his way to the ring explaining that, despite a few hitches, his Road To Wrestlemania was still on track. Good for you Miz, never give up. R Truth was also involved as he took to announcing. I want this to be considered the first in what I hope will be many campaigns to have R Truth be made a permanent member of the announce team. He was hilarious. Michael Cole kept asking where Little Jimmy was to which R Truth replied “he’s right there”. Hilarious. The match was really good too and Kofi Kingston has gotten a new fire under him, ironically, so has Evan Bourne’s bong. Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise to pick up the win.

Backstage yet again to J-Lau and David Otunga where Otunga let J-Lau know he was rooting for him. So cute. Also, WWE, when are we getting bow-ties and coffee cups on the WWE Shop catalogue? COME ON!

It was Diva’s time then as another match J-Lau promised came to fruition in Beth Phoenix vs Eve for the Diva’s title. It was clear Eve was nervous because she was doing her “I’m nervous face”. It’s the same as her “I’m scared” face which is the same as her “I’m worried” face which is the same as… you get what I mean. Eve is a horrible actress. The match was short and sweet and ended with Beth picking up the win. It wasn’t over there as fire and brimstone descended as Kane made his way to the ring.

It looked like Kane was about to rape Eve or something. I don’t quite know what Kane was going to do. Eve did her best as she shook like a drug addict (hey again Evan!) but Kane didn’t get his way as John Cena ran to make the save.

Cena was like a bitch on heat (hey Kelly Kelly) and beat down Kane hard. He was hooting and hollering as he hit Kane over and over with the steel steps. It looked like it was going to be totally awesome until Cena grabbed a mic and screamed “WE GONNA HAVE A PAAAAAAARTY UP IN HERE”. Really, John, are we gonna? Or am I going to do what I usually do: eat chocolate, cry because I’m alone and almost die of autoerotic asphyxiation. I think I know which one happened. Kane eventually ran away and Cena was all breathless and grinning. If this is him embracing the hate, he might want to tell his face.

Then it was Main Event time which was actually a talky. J-Lau and Triple H got talking for a while and Triple H was rather mean about J-Lau and said he was a really bad GM. I wasn’t buying any of it, perhaps Triple H has been watching TNA instead (bring it, TNA fans). Trips wasn’t going to let J-Lau get off easy and even told J-Lau that there was a way to keep his job… join the Kiss My Ass Club. This is a club I’d happily join as long as it was run by either Cody Rhodes, The Miz, Justin Gabriel or Dolph Ziggler. Make it happen WWE. J-Lau put on some chapstick and puckered up only to be humiliated by Trips who told him he was joking. What… an asshole.

Trips said that the WWE Board of Directors had agreed that he could take over Raw again anytime he wanted and it looked like my precious text buddy was about to be future endeavoured when suddenly it all went dark… lightning struck… and my level of interest in the segment disappeared. That’s right, The Undertaker returned for the 138437^th time. I’m not interested for the same reason I’m not interested in The Rock. I don’t see that it’s fair to not bother wrestling for a long, long time and then crop up near Wrestlemania and take a spot in the show that some other Superstar/Diva has been working all year around to earn. I know that’s the business but it’s not like we get continuing storylines out of it. The Rock will return, and then leave and Undertaker will do the same. It isn’t fair. If you’re going to go, go and if you’re coming back then stay.

Undertaker circled Triple H for a while and then pretty much told him he was going to kill him or something.

What did you think of it?

Let me know.

XO-WB

La Cage Aux Foley

Hey everyone! This weeks’ Raw was, again, a real doozy. It had everything I love from a torn John Cena, a bruised Zack Ryder, a sexy Dolph Ziggler and a furious J-Lau. But why did I love it so? Well, I guess you’re gonna find out.

The show started with Justin Roberts introducing a New York Times Bestseller. It had been confirmed online that blogger Perez Hilton was to appear on Raw. Perez in the WWE is interesting because in the past couple of years Perez has made his blog PG resulting in getting more fans. It also turned him into a self-righteous, ass-kissing, good for nothing douchebag with nothing interesting to say. That’s right; I just did a shoot on Perez Hilton. More on him later. Anyways, it wasn’t Perez but Mick Foley.

Foley came to the ring and said that he was there to express his intention to enter the Royal Rumble. In recent years, the eligibility to enter Royal Rumble has been lacking. There used to be fierce contests to see who would get to be the number 30 entry and the entire thing, as a whole, was built up much better. That’s WWE’s problem with their PPVs… they just don’t give them any weight. Anyways, Mick said that his kids were now old enough to enjoy their Dad in the ring and he wanted to do it for them. Mick was then interrupted by the man I’m going to cheat on my future husband Cody Rhodes with… Dolph Ziggler. The usually sexy Dolph Ziggler, though, came down looking like a villain in a gay porn version of a James Bond movie.

Dolph said that it wasn’t fair for Mick to come in and expect a place in the Rumble just because he wanted to make his kids proud because Mick was nothing but a glorified stuntman. ZING! Dolph is getting SO good on the mic. He continued slamming Mick saying he didn’t want to beat Punk at Royal Rumble and be forced to face Mick at Wrestlemania as that would be a let-down. ZING 2! He then told Foley to go away. The two men were interrupted by CM Punk. Punk immediately launched into Dolph saying that he and Mick break the mould and that they don’t hide behind a woman. He then called Vickie a “poor excuse” for a woman. Eurgh, seriously? Vickie is beautiful, strong and intelligent. This is just a reminder that sometimes Punk isn’t always a God on the mic. He continued his strange rant by calling my new BFF and text buddy, John Laurinaitis a “cross dresser”. No, me either.

J-Lau wasn’t taking this shit anymore and came to make an announcement. He said that he was a fair man and that he’d take Mick’s request under consideration. After taking a minute or two to think about it, he said no. Oh J-Lau. You put a tingle in my dingle.

The first match of the night was AirBoom v Primo & Epico for the Tag Titles. AirBoom dropped the title at a house show because Evan was too busy breaking the wellness policy. Dude, get help. The re-match was OK but it was clear Evan was distracted (this was probably his last match in WWE). AirBoom lost, Primo & Epico kept the titles and Evan probably went backstage to either snort, inject or ingest a little happy.

Backstage, David Otunga handed J-Lau and envelope and told him someone was outside. J-Lau told whoever it was that they’d be in the main event. A 6 Man tag match which would be David Otunga, Mark Henry & Dolph Ziggler vs Daniel Bryan, CM Punk and him. But who was he talking to? Oh yes, it was Y2J Chris Jericho who smiled, turned out the lights and switched on his jacket. Oh JeriTroll.

In the interview area, Josh Matthews chatted to Zack Ryder who wasn’t happy about having to defend his US Title. You see, last week, Zack embraced the crates as he was chokeslammed off a loading bay by Kane. This has now hurt his ribs and he’s all bandaged up and what not. His lady lover Eve wasn’t happy either but told Ryder she’d accompany him to the ring. Aww. I mean, if I was Ryder, I’d steer well clear of that bitch. Have you noticed that bad things only tend to happen to him when she’s around?

The US Title match took place right away with Jack Swagger all fired up. You can tell when Swagger is excited because, well, his onesie is REAL tight so he’s always packing a little more… Swagger. Anyways, Ryder came out and could barely do his over-excited WOO WOO WOO thing. It was hilarious. It’s like someone shot a deer in its leg (suck it PETA). Swagger went right to work and Ryder couldn’t do anything about it. In all fairness to Ryder, it took THREE gutwrench powerbombs to finish him off. Swagger picked up the win and the title.

We went backstage after the break to Zack Ryder writhing in pain as a trainer looked at him. J-Lau came in to apologise. Turns out, the envelope that Otunga gave him was actually a medical letter telling him that Ryder didn’t have medical clearance. J-Lau said there was nothing he could do when that SuperSkank Eve got all up in his grill. J-Lau took a strong stance and told her to shut her mouth. YEY J-LAU!

Divas action time which sadly started with a special guest ring announcer, Perez Hilton. I’m not even going to go into the fact they’re paired a gay guy with women like he’s their gay BFF because that’s a whole other essay. Perez introduced Kelly Kelly & Alicia Fox and their opponents The Bella Twins. The match is how you’d expect. Short, botchy and boring. Things began to heat up when The Bellas went for Twin Magic and Perez grabbed the one playing possum by the legs and dragged her out the ring. Oh you didn’t know? Violence against women isn’t allowed in WWE unless it’s a gay dude because they’re, like, not real men. ARGH! Things went from annoying to infuriating when the Bellas squared up against Perez after the match. He raised his fists to them and then they pushed him over. It was like a Looney Tunes cartoon. I mean… just ARGH.

R Truth was then ready to bring the crazy but as he went to speak, Wade Barrett interrupted. He said that he and R Truth were official Royal Rumble entrants and that R Truth was too crazy to win. R Truth told Barrett to “hold the phone” because Little Jimmy just axed, not asked but axed, him to axe Barrett if he knows he talks funny. Truth then told an angry Barrett he needs to put a smile on his face as they were near Disneyland. Cue hilarious slideshow of Truth meeting several characters the last one being Pinocchio. According to R Truth, when he asked Pinocchio if Barrett was going to win the Royal Rumble, his nose grew. LOL. The Miz then ran in and beat Truth down but Sheamus ran in to even the odds. Teddy Long came out to announce it would be a tag match. WAIT, WHAT?! OMG. CURVEBALL. Long actually announced it’d be an over-the-top-rope challenge. R Truth won.

Backstage once more when John Cena burst into J-Lau’s office and started yelling at him. J-Lau got all upset and said he made a mistake and that he was only human. YEAH! TELL ‘IM J-LAU! He then said that Cena would get to face Kane at Royal Rumble but first he needed to let off steam and that he’d get to face Jack Swagger. Next. Oh J-Lau. You’re so fair.

The Cena/Swagger match barely happened because Cena went crazy. I mean, full blown aggression. He smashed Swagger’s head into everything in sight, completely KO’d him and then dragged him to the stairs. It looked like Cena was about to end Swagger’s career but Kane’s music hit. Cena ran into the ring but Kane was just appearing via video. Kane said Cena had finally embraced the hate. He then did his arm pyro thing but it was badly timed which was hilariawkward.

Then Funkasaurus Brodus Clay defeated JTG. Oh Brodus, I adore your dancing.

It was main event time but before it all kicked off, Daniel Bryan had a few things to say. For those that don’t know, on last week’s Smackdown, Big Show ran into Bryan’s girlfriend AJ who looked like she’d been killed. Bryan said that Show did it deliberately to help him get the World Heavyweight Title. He told Show not to show up on Smackdown or he’d get his revenge.

Then it was match time and it was a good one. Everyone, however, were waiting for one thing; Y2J to get in the ring. The big moment finally happened and Jericho was tagged in. He ran around the ring, got the fans worked up, tagged himself out and then left the ring. It was kinda funny. The match continued but then Mick Foley arrived to take Jericho’s place. Foley defeated Otunga to get the win.

J-Lau came out, however, to stop the celebrations. The next 12 minutes that unfolded were too good to be recapped so here, in full, is what went down. I’d watch it if I were you.

So there we have it. J-Lau cracked and Punk is getting screwed at the Royal Rumble but surely it’s not all that straight forward…

Until next time,

XO-WB

Embrace The Crate

So this week’s RAW was an interesting one and you know what? I enjoyed every second of it. I’m not loving the Kane superpower thing nor the Jericho return but things are certainly improving.

The show began with a recap of the whole “dragged into hell” thing from last week. Then Kane came out and said how he was angry people weren’t embracing the hate. He said that we all wake up next to our wives and we’re filled with hate. He said we deal with our kids and filled with further hate. I don’t have a wife or any kids so what am I filled with? Ah yes; doughnuts, vodka and sadness. He continued that when people chant Cena Sucks that we’re actually saying that WE suck. I do suck. I suck good, gurl. He said that it’s time Cena faced the consequences of not embracing hate.

Then Cena came down and was all “oh really?” then ran to the ring. He and Kane went at it and the fight went backstage, through the area, to a loading dock. The two traded punches and Cena grabbed a crowbar and hit Kane around the knees. Kane threw Cena into a bunch of boxes and then disappeared. I HATE when men do that.

Next up was Sheamus & Santino Morella vs Wade Barrett & Jinder Mahal. I’ve no idea why they bother giving Mahal a push. His character is stale and the whole angry Indian thing is so over-done it’s not even funny. The match, however, was won when Santino hit the cobra. That’s right, Santino picked up a win. Trust me, this wasn’t the strangest thing of the night.

We went backstage once more this time to The Miz who wasn’t very happy with my new BFF and SMS-Master John Laurinaitis or as I call him, J-Lau. J-Lau laughed off Miz’s issues saying that he had bigger fish to fry. Miz said that R Truth was out of control and he needed security. J-Lau denied this request and told him to find his own. Then came the killer line, he said he wasn’t being a Little Jimmy… he’s Big Johnny! HA! J-Lau, you’re killing me dude.

We then had the first announcement for who was to be inducted into the Hall Of Fame. The first inductee was to be Edge. Congrats!

Backstage once more to The Miz trying to convince Mason Ryan to be his bodyguard. Either that or he was asking for a blow job because Ryan looked dressed for a night at a gay bar. Ryan laughed off the request and went into the locker room.

We then went further backstage to Zack Ryder who was telling his Dad that he’s scared about Kane but excited about Eve. Eve then turned up and Ryder asked her out on a date. An awkward pause later, and Eve accepted. The two were set to go after Eve’s big match with Beth Phoenix. Eve left, followed by Ryder but they weren’t allow because a door swung open and, I swear to God I don’t make this shit up, Kane peered around the side of the door. I mean, it was frickin’ hilarious.

It was match time with Kofi Kingston going up against a shady Daniel Bryan. Shady because on Smackdown he had a title match against The Big Show and got himself DQ’d by winding up Mark Henry who was breathing heavily into the microphone on commentary. So the match was over in a flash with Kofi tapping out to the LeBell Lock. It was pretty much a Divas Match (oh no he didn’… oh yes I did).

After the match The Big Show came out to confront the shady D-Bry about what he was playing at on Smackdown. Bryan immediately apologised and said that he wishes it didn’t end that way. Show said that’s a good job as they have a no-DQ, no-countout rematch. Uhhh ohhh.

Then it was time for the debut we’ve all been waiting for. Brodus Clay. For weeks we’ve been teased that the big man would eventually return and lo and behold this time he would. Things started off a little weird as Justin Roberts bellowed “making his much anticipated debut, from the planet funk weighing in at…” So for a moment I sat there, confused. The planet funk? I laughed it off as silly America but then he continued “the Funkasaurus, BRODUS CLAY”. The next 5+ minutes were a blur of red velour, strange dance moves and flashing lights. Brodus had returned as what seemed like The Godfather if he had a thyroid problem. He beat Curt Hawkins in a squash match and then danced some more. It was so, so, so strange but oh so good. Like trying anal for the first time or that thing I did with my cousin.

Things got weirder as we were subjected to Zack Ryder brushing his teeth in a sink. When Zack bent down to spit (hello!) we saw Kane in the corner. It was like George Michael had gone a bit crazy and put on a mask. This entire thing is becoming a bit of a homo-erotic horror movie.

Meanwhile, away from crazy land, The Miz approached Primo and Epico and asked for their services to protect him. It’s funny because used condoms provide better protection than these two morons. The two men went away and Miz was left reeling, only for CM Punk to come along and laugh at him. Miz used to be a WWE Champion. Now he’s just a chump. Me no likey.

Next was CM Punk v Jack Swagger. Before the match got under way, my BFF and SMS-Master J-Lau came down to the ring. He said that he wanted the Royal Rumble to be a fair bout so if Punk won, both Jack Swagger and Vickie Guerrero would be banned from ringside. He also told Dolph he has a match against Cena. Then he went to stand and watch the match. Such a good guy, supporting Punk the way he is.

The match actually was pretty good and Swagger got to show off his skills since he doesn’t get much chance otherwise. J-Lau spent most of the night texting. He was texting me, btw. The match ended somewhat strangely when the ref mis-counted a 3 count giving CM Punk the win. Many people thought it was a genuine error but I didn’t think so somehow. I think this whole thing is going to be hotly contested. J-Lau then took to the apron to congratulate Punk on his win. SUCH A GOOD GUY!

Backstage, Cena and his new boyfriend (he’s SO over you Orton so stop sending him pictures of your dong) Zack Ryder were chatting. Zack wanted to thank John for supporting him so much and Cena was all “no problem sexy, come here whilst I kiss you”. Ok, that MAY have been the subtext I was seeing. Either way, it was a dumb segment.

Going backstage seemed to be the theme of the night; I was comfortable of this as the backstage is my favourite place to enter. This time it was Ricardo Rodriguez and The Bellas. The Bellas had made Ricardo come to the arena to give him a message to give to Alberto Del Rio. Clearly these bitches are too stupid to use Facebook. They were interrupted by The Miz who wanted Ricardo’s services. He ordered Ricardo to the ring to insult R Truth or he’ll like, totally get beatings.  Ricardo complied and made his way to the ring.

Meanwhile, The Four Horsemen were announced as the next inductees to the Hall Of Fame. Cue the internet going wild with THAT MEANS CHRIS BENOIT, THE MURDERER, IS IN THE HALL OF FAME. No. No it doesn’t. Shut up. It does mean that Ric Flair will be inducted twice. I reckon he probably pawned his first ring.

After that poor Ricardo made his way to the ring to wind up R Truth. He was literally a dead man walking. He said that R Truth’s mother was ugly (ooh bitch) and that Truth had bad breath. Something, I believe, to probably be true. I mean, the man has gold teeth. That’s never a good sign of oral hygiene. I’ll pause a second to ponder thing; when did Ricardo start speaking English? I mean, I know he was out of action after falling off that ladder at TLC but is a Rosetta Stone DVD that quick? Back to the action, R Truth came out and said Little Jimmy had told him Ricardo was a good guy. Then we learnt that the R in R Truth stood for Racist. He made Ricardo sing La Cucaracha. That’s right. Ricardo got really into it and we even got a rrrremix. I had a feeling Mason Ryan had requested the remix. The gays love a remix. Truth then decided he wanted to hear it again “one ‘gain” he said. Ricardo shook his head. “UNO… gain”. OK. This shit is funny. Ricardo stupidly slapped Truth’s mic out of his hand and I feared that we were about to see some sort of Mexican cartel style fight go down but, instead, R Truth just beat on him. The Miz then came to the rescue and beat down Truth. Truth, however, soon bounced back and Miz ran for the hills. Well, the stalls.

After that it was Chris Jericho time. I’d made it clear last week that I wasn’t digging the return of Y2J and that I felt he dragged it out too far last week. Needless to say, the world disagreed with me. But I stand by my dislike. I’m allowed. Jericho came out and did his mugging of the crowd but this time he changed it up. He began crying. This, I LOVED. We’ve seen promo after promo of guys returning or guys leaving where they sobbed in the ring as the crowd cheered. Jericho pounded his chest, a la Edge, to show his thanks. He then left without a word. It lasted a short of amount of time and it just worked so much better. I’m starting to come around.

Then it was time for Divas action. Eve made her way to the ring to face Beth Phoenix to earn a shot at the title. But when it was Beth’s turn to come out, Kane’s music and pyro hit and Eve stood scared… there was nowhere to go. The ever loving Zack Ryder ran out and rescued Eve. The couple ran to the back in what became a horror movie. I was half expected Eve to break her leg and their overconfident black friend to die. They went to their car in which Ryder discovered a flat tire. Oh no! Who could’ve done that (?!). Eve got into the car and Ryder went about changing the tyre.

Then it was the main event in what promised to be a real homo-erotic affair. Cena vs Dolph. The match actually was really good but it ended when we were shown backstage once more as Ryder desperately tried to fix the tyre. I, personally, would’ve just ran to the front of the area and hailed a cab but hey… I’m no broski. Cena watched, confused but then out of nowhere came Kane! Kane began beating on Ryder and Ziggler held back Cena from rescuing his boyfriend. Cena was forced to watch as Kane chokeslammed Ryder off the edge of the loading bay into a bunch of crates. You could say, Ryder was made to embrace the crate.

Cena slammed Ziggler into some stairs and ran to rescue Ryder. He was intercepted by Kane who did the hand smothering thing. We ended with a close up of Ryder and Cena both unconscious. It rocked.

So I loved this week’s RAW but what did you think? Hit me up, gurl.

XO-WB