Les Not Do This Again

There’s been a lot of talk about WWE and its storyline decisions this week. The decision to make The Rock champ and the return of Brock Lesnar. What could it all mean and what exactly happened?

CM Punk & The Rock

Fresh from Royal Rumble, a furious Punk denounced The Rock’s win as cheating. The Rock had the match restarted and, in his mind, Punk had already won. This meant that Punk felt cheated once again by The Rock. Firstly, he felt cheated by the fact that The Rock could come back after so long and get a title shot. After all, Punk has worked really hard to be where he is.

The Rock, however, is just pleased because he won it for ‘the people’. His people. The same people that Punk was saying didn’t mean anything. Which makes it a sweeter victory. However, Punk isn’t going to let sleeping dog lies and challenged The Rock to a rematch at Elimination Chamber.

Will The Rock retain? And how will Lesnar/Heyman and The Shield tie into it?

The Miz & Antonio Cessaro

These two guys hate each other and have done ever since The Miz hit the figure-four on him when he was a guest on MizTV. Cessaro isn’t the type of man you do that to and get away with it and he proved that by beating Miz on the Royal Rumble pre-show.

This week, Miz regained power because he was special referee in Antonio’s match against Randy Orton. Antonio was clearly distracted which allowed Randy Orton to pick up the win. Miz then scooped up a groggy Antonio and hit the Skull-Crushing Finale.

But it’s all fun and games so far, what Miz really wants is the belt. But will he get it?

Wade Barrett & Bo Dallas

Bo Dallas is everything that Wade hates. He’s young, speedy and doesn’t look at all tough. Wade believes he should be able to dominate this guy but the exact opposite is happening. Bo managed to eliminate Wade at the Royal Rumble and, this week, managed to pick up a win against him. Wade’s self-belief is in the fact he can destroy any man that dares cross his path so the fact that a complete newbie is beating him isn’t going to play well.

But how long until the NXT Upstart gets sent back to Florida?

John Cena

Cena had to win the Royal Rumble. His in-ring prowess was starting to get stale and his moves weren’t cutting it. He was losing constantly and had to keep on watching other men pass him by. But, with his big win at the Rumble and another win against Cody Rhodes on Raw, it seems like life is improving for Cena. That is, of course, until The Shield get involved.

The Shield

The Shield have continued their promise. After beating down The Rock on both Raw and Royal Rumble, they went after John Cena. Cena is everything they hate and they see it as an injustice that he gets so many opportunities to shine. Could The Shield hamper Cena’s Wrestlemania success?

Alberto Del Rio & The Big Show

The Big Show turned the tables on Raw and stole a trick from Del Rio and Ricardo’s playbook. After beating on his foe, he duct taped him to the ropes and made him watch as he physically destroyed Ricardo.

Ricardo is Del Rio’s everything. He’s been there for him  through thick and thin and he’s like family. So, for Del Rio, there is no greater pain than seeing his family punished. Del Rio has been cocky and handled the Big Show with humour until now.

Could we see a return to the darker side of Del Rio?

Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler

After supposedly ending Jericho’s career, Ziggler was not pleased to see Jericho return at the Royal Rumble and, eventually, was able to eliminate him. Jericho made an impassioned speech on Raw about how he was back to his old safe. This was, of course, interrupted by Dolph Ziggler. The two were then forced into a Strange Bedfellows match vs Team Hell No.

But, with Jericho vowing to rise again, will Ziggler give it another go at extinguishing his flame?

Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero

Vickie managed to ruin Ziggler’s night once again, this time by announcing that it was she who gave Jericho his return contract. Because, what greater revenge is there, than to surround someone who hurt you with people they hate? Vickie is a woman scorned but will her broken heart be mended or will she eventually give up on trying to rekindle their lost love?

Team Hell No

After getting along so well and graduating from anger management, it seemed these two were heading straight into a meltdown. And we started seeing sighs of that when they started fighting in the middle of their match.

Are Team Hell No set for ruin?

Vince McMahon, CM Punk, Paul Heyman, The Shield & Brad Maddox (multiple strands!)

At the top of Raw, Vince announced he had video footage that proved that Heyman and Punk were working together and that, if he could not prove otherwise, Heyman would be fired.

At the end of the night, Vince delivered with footage taken by Brad Maddox’s “Experience” Cameraman which showed Paul having The Shield attack Maddox because he wasn’t getting the job done anymore. It’s kind of a sad story really. Maddox was just desperate for someone to believe in him, willing to do anything, only to be betrayed by the man he saw as a father figure.

Interestingly, Punk wasn’t around for the big reveal which could mean he potentially didn’t know about it. Perhaps Heyman didn’t have enough faith in Punk to let him go it alone in the ring?

Vince also loved having the opportunity to screw over Punk and Heyman. Punk has relied on Heyman for the past few months and well, without his rock, could Punk flounder?

The real twist of the night ame just as Vince was about to fire Heyman. Brock Lesnar came out. My feelings about Lesnar have been much discussed. I find him a talentless jughead with no real entertainment value but I guess he served a purpose here. He took out the boss before he could fire Heyman.

Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman

Heyman clearly loves Brock but he’s obviously the Lenny to Punk’s George . Heyman appears scared of Brock and pleaded with Vince to run because he knew what would happen. Punk is always predictable in terms of his reaction because he generally allows his words to do the talking but Brock isn’t as intelligent. He uses his fists and that scared Heyman.

Will Heyman be able to control the monster he helped create?

Brock Lesnar & Triple H (?)

Whilst I’m not convinced Triple H is returning to in-ring action (sadly), I think this is an interesting one and we could see the return of Triple H as on-screen management. Brock and Triple H have history and now Brock has injured his father-in-law we might just see the fire being refuelled.

So that’s my take on the WWE action. What are your thoughts?

Let me know.

XO-TWB

The WWEek In Jokes #2

It’s been a controversial week in WWE.

Which makes it great fodder for some zingers.

Enjoy. I’d also love to hear yours. Tweet them at me and I’ll RT the best ones and maybe even feature them on the site.

XO-TWB

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

Tonight is the Royal Rumble. So it’s time for always-incorrect-and-totally-fanboy Predictions!

Antonio Cesaro vs The Miz (US Title Pre-Show)

I think there’s two ways this could go. Right now, The Miz doesn’t really have anything to fight for or anyone to fight against. So he needs an enemy. Surely trying to win back his title would give him that push. However, he’s The Miz. Ric Flair just gave him a career boost. It’d be a bit strange to see him lose now.

So, with that, I say The Miz wins.

WINNER: The Miz

Team Hell No vs Team Rhodes Scholars (WWE Tag Team Titles)

Sadly, I think we may just see the last of Team Hell No tonight. It’s been a great run but they’ve graduated from anger management so the whole reason for throwing them together has changed. I can’t imagine these two guys want to stay out of singles competition for too much longer so I’ll say that Team Rhodes Scholars wins.

WINNER: Team Rhodes Scholars

Alberto Del Rio v The Big Show (Last Man Standing Match for World Heavyweight Championship)

I’ve said this every PPV so I will say it again, tonight is the night that Dolph Ziggler cashes in. I’ll explain the other half of my reasoning for that a bit later but I think that Big Show will lose this match. Alberto Del Rio will go on to retain only to have Show beat him up. Then, before the Rumble, Ziggler will cash in.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio/Dolph Ziggler

CM Punk v The Rock (WWE Title)

I am super excited for this match. I’ve loved The Rock this time around, it was like having the old Rock back. This is a tough one to call because I think having The Rock win would be a bad idea. The guy isn’t going to stick around for house shows and such and I think it’d devalue the title which Punk has done a good job of making it worth something again. This match, however, is more about the people. As I’ve always said, Rock isn’t in it for gold. He is in it for the people. That’s the difference here.

I think this could go a few ways.

Firstly, The Rock could win it straight. That’s very possible.

Secondly, CM Punk could win it straight. He’s always said he’s a great wrestler so beating The Rock without interference would be a great way to prove it.

Thirdly, CM Punk wins with outside interference. It can’t be The Shield, but Paul Heyman and Brad Maddox have cut a deal and Heyman promised to make him famous. Could this be Maddox’s big shot at taking out The Rock?

Lastly, CM Punk could get screwed by Heyman. Punk has always denied being part of any Shield/Maddox shenanigans but Heyman’s never made any statement saying he had nothing to do with it. What if, all along, Heyman has been plotting to have Punk win by cheating because he doesn’t really believe in him? Punk could discover this before the match and warn Heyman to stay away. Heyman’s revenge could be for The Shield and Maddox to invade the ring first beating up The Rock meaning Punk gets stripped and then beating on Punk. Punk goes away with nothing and so does The Rock.

It’s far-fetched but I like it. I’m going with the last one.

WINNER: Nobody!

The 30-Man Royal Rumble

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I think WWE are shutting down the whole SuperShow business and will instead merge the two which means they’ll merge the titles. I think the man they want to merge it with is Dolph Ziggler.

So I think that Ziggler will cash in to become World Heavyweight Champion before the Rumble. Then, he’ll enter at Number 1 (per Vickie Guerrero) and actually go on to WIN the Royal Rumble. The last two? Ziggler and Cena.

Ziggler will cheat his way to a win, eliminating Cena (who will win the vacated WWE title) and going on to Wrestlemania to win the WWE Title and become Duel Champion.

WINNER: Dolph Ziggler

The above predictions most likely will not happen but it’d be amazing if they did.

What are your predictions?

Let me know!

XO-TWB

A Rocky Road To Wrestlemania

This week’s Raw was a real doozy. Royal Rumble is up there with my favourite WWE PPVs, so the Raw before it had to be good.

Can I also say how much I’m loving The Rock’s run this time around? He really does make me laugh.

Anyways, in terms of story, where are we at?

Vickie Guerrero & Paul Heyman

These two are growing ever closer as WWE hints more and more at an alliance between the two. The two previous enemies are conspiring together to destroy their mutual enemy – The Rock. This week they both enjoyed taunting The Rock because Vickie had him banned from ringside.

However, we all know that Paul Heyman is a man who uses people when he needs to and, well, Vickie always loves being around people who shower her with compliments so this evil partnership could be over before it even truly starts but a Vickie/Paul Raw takeover would be amazing.

The Big Show & Alberto Del Rio

Ever since he got an unbreakable, Big Show has been relatively unstoppable. He doesn’t care about the fans adoration, he just wants to win gold. This means he’s more ruthless than ever. He proved that further this week when he beat Zack Ryder in what has to be some sort of record time for the Long Island Iced Z. Poor Ryder was out for the count and Show tried to count to ten but was interrupted by the WWE Universe.

I sort of feel sorry for Show. He’s tried all his life to be accepted by the fans but they’ve never been truly behind him. He’s always stood out for being a giant. I feel like, deep down, he just wants to be loved.

Either way, Show sent a clear message to his Rumble opponent Alberto Del Rio that he’s not to be messed with. Del Rio then did the same by defeating another giant, Lord Tensai. With that Del Rio was able to say “David always beats Goliath”.

Brad Maddox

I can’t help but think there’s more behind the Brad Maddox story. The obvious guess is that he’s secretly the one behind The Shield. Who knows? First of all, Brad Maddox managed to finally convince Paul Heyman to take him on as a client. Heyman promised Maddox that he’d “make him famous”.

Maddox then appeared on commentary after jumping the barrier during the Ryder/Show match. Maddox is great on commentary and he plays the douchebag confidently.

Either way, we have seen the last of Brad Maddox and I couldn’t be happier. Dude knows how to rock formal wear.

CM Punk & The Rock

This week was more of the same between this pair and I don’t mean to sound negative there. It’s not a bad thing. There’s a clear narrative here. Punk hates how Rock can just walk back in to a title opportunity when he’s scratched and clawed his way through 433 (as of today) Days of being champion. The Rock, however, hates that Punk doesn’t respect the fans. The people. Punk thinks the people don’t matter but to, The Rock, they’re all that matters.

I’m excited for their match because, just like Rock/Cena, I really can’t predict it.

CM Punk & Mr McMahon

These two men have never gotten along and Vince once again thwarted any future Punk plot. He warned Punk that, if The Shield interrupt in his match against The Rock, he’ll be stripped of his title.

Dolph Ziggler

Dolph’s progression continued on Raw when he beat the clock which allowed him to pick his number in the Rumble. Dolph’s continuous wins and triumphs mean he’s really starting to build momentum.

Dolph Ziggler & Sheamus

Dolph thwarted Sheamus’ attempts at being able to win the Royal Rumble beat the clock challenge. This is a continuation of the idea of Dolph taking what was Sheamus’ title. No doubt Sheamus will want his revenge at the Rumble.

Dolph Ziggler, AJ & Vickie Guerrero

Dolph and AJ’s relationship meant the end of his and Vickie’s. A shame really but I guess it had to end at some point. Dolph believes he now has power over his own path and that Vickie can’t affect him anymore. This quickly changed. Vickie still has the power and this meant that Dolph will enter the Rumble at either #1 or #2.

Team Hell No

Team Hell No graduated from anger management which I think signals a change in their dynamic. Now, they’ll be able to interact with each other better because they’ve learnt how to control it. These two are real fun together but I know all good things must come to an end. Perhaps without the help of Doctor Shelby, these two will pull apart.

Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole

The Cole/Lawler feud ended very quickly after Lawler’s heart attack and we’ve all been waiting at home for things to reset and Cole becoming a dick again. Truth is, commentary has worked much better with Lawler and Cole getting along and ribbing each other. Either way, the feud between them was well and truly over when Kane and Daniel Bryan forced them to hug.

The Shield

After attacking The Rock, it’s clear The Shield are out of control. Heyman tried to protest that they’ve attacked people who aren’t Punk’s opponents but it’s becoming a little too close to home. Could Punk really be behind The Shield? After all, he’s got previous with The New Nexus.

The Shield, however, kept their video promise to take down The Rock which means the targets on their other named foes have just gotten bigger. I have a feeling The Shield will have a huge presence at the Royal Rumble.

John Cena

I have a feeling that WWE doesn’t quite know what to do with Cena. Cena’s still at the top but he’s running out of places to go. He’s had a few passing-of-the-torch stories with Punk and Ziggler as well as a few high profile matches with The Rock and Brock Lesnar but it’s hard to see where Cena fits. It’s time for Cena to get properly into the title race.

If my prediction that WWE is to merge the belts using Dolph Ziggler is correct, I think that Cena will be his first opponent for the Unified WWE Championship. Otherwise, there isn’t much else for Cena to do.

So that’s my look back at Raw and the stories that developed.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

XO-TWB

The WWEek in Jokes

It’s been a crazy week in WWE.

Here’s my take on it…

XO-TWB

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes… It’s A Recap

OK, so Wrestlemania was about a billion shades of awesome. Everyone’s got their own opinion and well, I am about to give you mine! I loved it for many reasons but what exactly went down? Well, read on.

So the show started with Lilian Garcia. I’ve felt sorry for her recently after the Zack Ryder/Zack Swagger gaffe has exploded over the internet with people writing some rather mean comments. I happen to think Lilian is one of the best announcers of my time but then there is something else she is more talented at; singing. She sang the national anthem and blew me away. I mean, I’m British but I was SO close to joining the US Army. And since Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell doesn’t exist, looking at some of the soldiers I’d have a LOT of fun.

The first match of the night was, surprisingly, Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus. This match has been building for months ever since Sheamus won the Royal Rumble. Royal Rumble winners haven’t always fared too great on the grandest stage of them all and it was clear whose side the audience was on. I’ve not heard that many people shout “YES, YES, YES” since I arranged a gay sex flashmob. They’re like orgies but you dance whilst you’re doing it. So, the bell rings but Daniel isn’t ready. He wants a peck from his lover AJ. Only, once they were done, Sheamus gave Bryan another smacker… with his boot! The match was over and done in 18 seconds and Sheamus was crowned new champion.

I thought that was amazing. People have gone crazy, they’re furious but WWE Fans love an underdog (unless his name is John Cena) and well, Bryan is now that underdog. He was hard-done to and the crowd (as evidenced by Raw) are well and truly behind him. Smart move, WWE.

Backstage Team Johnny assembled and The Miz interrupted trying to give a grand speech. It went down like a fart in a spacesuit. J-Lau, played by Colonel Sanders, appeared to give his team a pep talk. Dolph looked amazing. That’s all you need to know.

The next match was Kane vs Orton. This was more painful than lubeless anal. I swear to God. It was two superstars I didn’t really care about fighting for reasons that were way too vague. The match itself wasn’t that good either but I must admit, I did like finish. Everyone always assumes Orton is going to win big matches, so when Kane chokeslammed him off the top rope I must admit, I got a little tingle in my dingle.

Either way, can Randy Orton disappear and come back with a new personality? Ta.

Backstage once more this time to a seafood buffet where Mick Foley, Santino and some dude from The Deadliest Catch (the non-dead one) were eating crab. Random stuff happened, I got confused but it was still funny! I bet Kelly Kelly is pissed though, isn’t The Deadliest Catch her nickname?

Next was a match I was actually excited for; The Big Show vs Cody Rhodes. Rhodes came out first in a brand new outfit. He looked fiiiiine. First of all, red is a great colour on him and secondly, he has a new robe that literally frames his bulge. Way to know your audience, girl.

The match itself was actually pretty good. I had worried that the size difference would’ve played an issue but it really didn’t. Cody put in some great offense and the match was enjoyable. It can’t have been too enjoyable for Cody’s balls though, after Big Show ploughed into them. A spear to the nuts… kinky. Cody tried to recover but Show hit the WMD for the win.

We then had the Divas match that I didn’t care about. Beth Phoenix teamed up with Eve to take on the team of Kelly Kelly and “celebrity” Maria Menounos. The match was what you expected but there were some high points. It was mostly an exercise in proving that celebrities matter more than people that actually work their butts off all year (Hey, Rock!). Maria was rocking a Greek Flag tee and I was kinda hoping she’d crash like their economy. Sadly, Maria got a roll up pin on Beth for the win. Oh and there was no Kharma either. Sooooo…

Backstage once more, this time to HBK who basically explained that he had Undertaker’s career in the palm of his hand. I’d like to have Cody Rhodes in the palm of mine.

Then it was time for the match I was most excited for, The Undertaker v HHH. End of an era. Possibly end of the streak? Me recapping this won’t do it justice. Quite frankly, if you only watch one match from Wrestlemania then it must be this. HBK added so much to it, he was like the narrator. He was a friend, a fan, not wanting the pain to go on much longer. The anguish in his face, it looked like Chris Beniot had nipped around to say hello to his wife and kids. Amazing match. Gave me goosebumps. Plus, JR was in the booth so that’s always a winner.

Then it was Hall Of Fame time. Honestly? I nipped to the toilet. But I came back in time for Edge’s cute “trying not to cry” face. ADORBS.

Backstage to One Man Rock Band (not a band then, is it?) Heath Slater. I don’t know who he blew to get on Mania but he managed it. Anyways, he spurted some thinly veiled racism to Flo Rida or pushed him into a wall.

It was then time for the team match. Team Johnny v Team Teddy. The Bella Twins each introduced a team. Again, I’ve no idea why. I think WWE just wanted to give everyone a chance. The match itself was, unsurprisingly, a complete clusterfuck. There were too many men and that’s not something I say often.

The match came to an end when Eve jumped into the ring to fist pump alongside Ryder. Ryder got distracted by Eve’s massive hands and allowed The Miz to pick up the win. FYI, how spookily close were my predictions?! Crazy.

So yeah, then Eve gets all apologetic and, when Ryder turned to face her, she kicked him in the nuts. Hilarious. I love evil Eve (AKA Eveil). LONG MAY SHE REIGN.

Then we saw CM Punk backstage where J-Lau walked past. CM Punk muttered a few words of what I’m assuming wasn’t congratulations only for J-Lau to turn the tables. He announced that if CM Punk got himself DQ’d, he’d still lose the belt. OOO, TWIST.

Said match was up next with CM Punk taking on Chris Jericho. I did wonder who would win this and I was pleasantly surprised. I actually loved this match, it was great. It did exactly what it needed to do, it needed to make us believe Punk could lose. And boy did he come close. False finishes happen often but it’s nice to see it done with submissions. Eventually, Y2J tapped out to the Anaconda Vice. Awesommmme. Punk won but there were no losers in this. Except those that didn’t watch.

Then Brodus Clay came out to tell everyone he was gonna call his momma. This then lead to a bunch of dancers dressed as old women on stage dancing. It was actually hilarious and really broke up the levity of the night.

Then the main event but, it being Wrestlemania, the entrances needed to be grand. Sean “Diddy” Combs was first out after being introduced by Justin Roberts. Diddy then introduced MGK. It was like Inception. MGK was actually really good but he was there to (very vocally) support John Cena. I think props need to go to the guy. He knew it wouldn’t be popular and he managed to make it all sound legit. I enjoyed it.

Once Cena was in the ring, it was the turn of Flo Rida who was accompanied by Sia who was dressed like a slutty troll doll. She mimed the entire way through too… tut. Then The Rock made his way to the ring.

OK so the match began and, I hope I’m not alone in this, but it suuuccckkked. The match itself was REAL boring. It very much seemed like they both needed to hit certain moves and the crowd clearly loved it but I was a bit yawny. It all ended when John Cena went for the People’s Elbow and The Rock hit Rock Bottom instead. The Rock won and I hated it. He didn’t need to win. It wasn’t necessary. But, I guess things got worse on Raw.

So that was Mania and, overall, I loved it. It gets bigger and better every year and I think some great stories will come out of it. I’d love to hear what you think though.

Until next time,

XO-WB

Undertakin’ The Piss

Hey everyone.

So this week’s Raw was interesting because not a lot happened yet, a lot happened. I know that doesn’t make much sense but basically, it was a show that was packed with quality rather than trying to get loads of segments in.

We began with my SMS BFF J-Lau who was coming out after some fantastic work at the Royal Rumble. Now, it was a big night for J-Lau because Triple H was coming to do a job evaluation on him. FYI, these things usually happen in offices rather than in the ring but WWE Corporate policy is rather shady. J-Lau was beaming; I’ve not seen him so happy since he got that new Unlimited Texting plan. He said he had a lot to tell us and boy did he.

He first announced the big Raw Elimination Chamber match. Elimination Chamber is usually a great PPV and also is a really fun stipulation. Anyways, the match will consist of CM Punk, The Miz, R Truth, Kofi Kingston & Dolph Ziggler. A great match. But was that to be all? Oh no. He announced that the big Raw card for the night would be Beth Phoenix vs Eve for the Diva’s Title, The Miz vs Kofi Kingston and… CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan! My God the man is a hero. He was about to announce more but CM Punk interrupted.

See, for some reason, Punk still hasn’t gotten over his dislike for J-Lau. I don’t know his problem but he needs to check his attitude. J-Lau is an AMERICAN HERO, OK?! HE’S A FRICKIN’ GOOD GUY. Sorry, it just… I can’t stand to see such a good guy persecuted like that. Anyways, Punk went on and on about how J-Lau was going to get fired and, get this, J-Lau did nothing except extend his hand to Punk who then threatened him with a GTS. What is his problem? As I thought things couldn’t get any worse, out came Daniel Bryan. Now, Bryan’s new affinity with yelling “yes” all the time is starting to make him look like he’s permanently having an orgasm. SHUT UP.

Bryan told Punk that he is a role model because he doesn’t eat meat and that means he’ll beat Punk. Punk then said “well what do you eat?” To which the answer should be: your mother’s pussy. What the fuck Punk? A gay joke? Really? How about you eat a better script you condescending jackass? *ahem* As things began to heat up, Sheamus then made his way to the ring to say that no matter who wins the Elimination Chamber matches, he will win the title at Wrestlemania, fella.

The first match of the night was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler. The match was interesting because rather than have an extra guy on commentary, they decided to have Wade Barrett in a private box with Josh Matthews overlooking the ring. I thought this was a great idea not only because it made for interesting viewing but I also like the idea of Josh Matthews entering someone’s box. The match itself was actually pretty good but became quickly overshadowed by Orton’s penchant for trying to tear off the tights of the guys he’s fighting. He almost tore Wade a new butthole at the Rumble and this time it was Dolph’s perky cheeks that were set to tumble out. This meant that, despite that fact he was meant to play dead, Dolph was too preoccupied with covering his ASSets and it wasn’t professional. I may be mad that there wasn’t enough Dolph buttcheek. Orton picked up the win and Dolph picked up the pieces of material stuck in his funzone.

Backstage, J-Lau was saying hello to the staff and bumped into William Regal. He asked how Regal’s son was and the answer he ended up getting was, well… frightening.

http://yearofhunico.tumblr.com/

http://yearofhunico.tumblr.com/

http://yearofhunico.tumblr.com/

The next match was the weekly Funkasaurus beat down and this week’s victim was to be Tyler Reks. Jerry Lawler made a joke that the Funkasaurus was facing T-Reks and I was immediately hooked. That is AWESOME. These guys need to be in a tag team. Can you imagine? They’d be Jurassic Park themed; they could have their own slogan “Boots To Jurassics”. It would be amazing and if WWE don’t do it then I will be forced to create it in my head. YEAH, TAKE THAT WWE. Brodus won, btw but you knew that already.

Backstage once more to CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Bryan was again boasting about being vegan and how it makes him better. Punk said he wasn’t a role model, just the best wrestler in the world. Are we meant to start hating Punk? He called Beth Phoenix a douchebag but I’m starting to think she wasn’t the problem.

Then it was time for the match as Punk and Bryan went head to head. I must admit, it was a real good match which was all kicks and had some real fun “spots”. It was nice to see Bryan so in his element but I must admit I wasn’t cheering for anyone. I hate to get all “analytical” but is anyone else thinking that Punk and Bryan are two of the most one dimensional characters in the WWE at the moment? I’m just becoming a little bored and Bryan’s “yes, yes, yes” heel turn may be working but eventually it has to go somewhere. He drops between face and heel and it just isn’t working.

ANYWAYS BACK TO THE LOLs as Y2J ran to the ring, threw Bryan into a barrier for the DQ and hit the Codebreaker to knock out Punk. It wasn’t that funny but at least they’re finally doing something with him. Yes, I’m referring to the Royal Rumble WHERE THE WRONG PERSON WON.

Oh, oh, here’s something funny. Mike Tyson is in the Hall Of Fame. You heard right. I guess that’s another ring he’ll be touching despite being begged not to. Hahaha. Rape jokes.

Next was the Kofi Kingston v The Miz match that J-Lau had previously promised. Miz made his way to the ring explaining that, despite a few hitches, his Road To Wrestlemania was still on track. Good for you Miz, never give up. R Truth was also involved as he took to announcing. I want this to be considered the first in what I hope will be many campaigns to have R Truth be made a permanent member of the announce team. He was hilarious. Michael Cole kept asking where Little Jimmy was to which R Truth replied “he’s right there”. Hilarious. The match was really good too and Kofi Kingston has gotten a new fire under him, ironically, so has Evan Bourne’s bong. Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise to pick up the win.

Backstage yet again to J-Lau and David Otunga where Otunga let J-Lau know he was rooting for him. So cute. Also, WWE, when are we getting bow-ties and coffee cups on the WWE Shop catalogue? COME ON!

It was Diva’s time then as another match J-Lau promised came to fruition in Beth Phoenix vs Eve for the Diva’s title. It was clear Eve was nervous because she was doing her “I’m nervous face”. It’s the same as her “I’m scared” face which is the same as her “I’m worried” face which is the same as… you get what I mean. Eve is a horrible actress. The match was short and sweet and ended with Beth picking up the win. It wasn’t over there as fire and brimstone descended as Kane made his way to the ring.

It looked like Kane was about to rape Eve or something. I don’t quite know what Kane was going to do. Eve did her best as she shook like a drug addict (hey again Evan!) but Kane didn’t get his way as John Cena ran to make the save.

Cena was like a bitch on heat (hey Kelly Kelly) and beat down Kane hard. He was hooting and hollering as he hit Kane over and over with the steel steps. It looked like it was going to be totally awesome until Cena grabbed a mic and screamed “WE GONNA HAVE A PAAAAAAARTY UP IN HERE”. Really, John, are we gonna? Or am I going to do what I usually do: eat chocolate, cry because I’m alone and almost die of autoerotic asphyxiation. I think I know which one happened. Kane eventually ran away and Cena was all breathless and grinning. If this is him embracing the hate, he might want to tell his face.

Then it was Main Event time which was actually a talky. J-Lau and Triple H got talking for a while and Triple H was rather mean about J-Lau and said he was a really bad GM. I wasn’t buying any of it, perhaps Triple H has been watching TNA instead (bring it, TNA fans). Trips wasn’t going to let J-Lau get off easy and even told J-Lau that there was a way to keep his job… join the Kiss My Ass Club. This is a club I’d happily join as long as it was run by either Cody Rhodes, The Miz, Justin Gabriel or Dolph Ziggler. Make it happen WWE. J-Lau put on some chapstick and puckered up only to be humiliated by Trips who told him he was joking. What… an asshole.

Trips said that the WWE Board of Directors had agreed that he could take over Raw again anytime he wanted and it looked like my precious text buddy was about to be future endeavoured when suddenly it all went dark… lightning struck… and my level of interest in the segment disappeared. That’s right, The Undertaker returned for the 138437^th time. I’m not interested for the same reason I’m not interested in The Rock. I don’t see that it’s fair to not bother wrestling for a long, long time and then crop up near Wrestlemania and take a spot in the show that some other Superstar/Diva has been working all year around to earn. I know that’s the business but it’s not like we get continuing storylines out of it. The Rock will return, and then leave and Undertaker will do the same. It isn’t fair. If you’re going to go, go and if you’re coming back then stay.

Undertaker circled Triple H for a while and then pretty much told him he was going to kill him or something.

What did you think of it?

Let me know.

XO-WB

Rumble In My Pants

Royal Rumbles are great for a fun match but they’re also great for seeing wrestlers in sexual positions.

So here’s all the sexy moments from the show. It’s a BIG ole gallery so give it time to load.

XO-WB

A Real Shame…Us

The Royal Rumble was a real controversial event which is why it’s taken me so long to recap. Also, I’ve been super busy leading my secret life as a hands-on underwear salesman to college-age teen boys. The Rumble was certainly one to forget but it wasn’t completely without its memorable moments. Which is a good job, as here is a ruddy recap.

The show started with a Cage Match. It was to be Daniel Bryan v Big Show v Mark Henry for the World Heavyweight Title. The match itself was actually not that bad considering you had one dynamo and two big giants that can’t really do much. Mark Henry got a few good shots in but this match was all about Bryan and The Big Show. Show is still racked with guilt after running over AJ with his moob. I was more than happy, that bitch is annoying. Bryan, however, is just annoying. YES! YES! YES! Yes, he is.

The match came to an end when Big Show surprisingly climbed the cage to stop Daniel Bryan escaping. Big Show had firm grasp of Bryan’s hand but Bryan manage to wriggle free to retain. I mean, OK, it was shorter than it should’ve been and it lacked any amazing moment but let’s be fair… a man lifted another man using one arm. COME ON!

We were then given a John Cena promo package where people all said really nice things about him. I like Cena, he does a lot for the kids and he’s really popular on the Facebook and the Twitter as we’re reminded constantly. HE’S GOT MORE FANS THAN MICHELLE OBAMA!!!11 She’s the first lady guys, lighten up. MORE FOLLOWERS THAN THE DALAI LAMA!!11 He’s a religious figure who you shouldn’t use to gain points, Jesus Christ people. Basically it was a pro-Cena package. I’m also pro-Cena’s package.

The next match was a special HEY MY CLOTHES ARE BRIGHTER THAN YOURS Divas match. It was Beth Phoenix, Natalya and The Bella Twins vs Eve, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox and Tamina. The bad girls were all in blue whilst the good girls all wore orange apart from Tamina who looked like a drag queen. The match was short but it did involve a few good moments like when Kelly Kelly flew into the air. Who knew she was a top? And Beth Phoenix screaming “GET OUTTA MY RING” was also pretty fun. If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that I’d be able to afford a better lawyer in my sexual assault trial. The bad girls won, btw.

From Divas to screamers it was John Cena vs Kane. It was all that embrace the hate/crate/your fate/high interest rate/debate/the fact I’ll be late nonsense that looked like it’d finally come to an end. After what was a pretty mediocre bout, the two men left the ring to duke it out. The referee hit the ten count and both men were counted out. They didn’t care about that though and just carried on fighting. The brawl erupted throughout the arena with Kane tossing off Cena all over the place. Double entendre heyyyyyy. Kane finally managed to dispose of Cena and then went after Zack Ryder who was being staged in what was essentially a poorly constructed sitcom set. After kicking down the door with scary ease, Kane smothered Ryder with his hand and wheeled Ryder down to the ring. Ryder, in the meantime, was doing a weird “disabled” face which made it look like he was mocking the handicap. WOO WOO Woops, I peed myself. Eve ran down to cry a little to add to Ryder’s embarrassment as he was tombstoned. Ever the hero, Cena turned up about 5 minutes to late and got a chokeslam for his troubles. Woopsie. I began to zone out a little as I had spent the previous hour embracing a Vodka bottle.

We were then shown a promo for The Rock. Cena’s promo was about how much he liked the business, how he cared for his fans and didn’t want to do anything else. The Rock’s promoted his new movie and the fact he likes big trucks. Go figure.

Then, for some reason, WWE thought it’d be nice for us to see a Brodus Clay/Drew McIntyre match. No, me neither. Apparently, Drew had requested it from Teddy Long and you can find the full explanation on WWE.com. How about you give me a PPV worthy match… dotcom? Anyway, Brodus won. I love Brodus but he should’ve been in the Rumble.

Then it was the big CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler match. Special Guest Referee J-Lau was the first man into the ring and he explained, in the interest of fairness, that he would be officiating from the outside and a proper referee will call the match. Oh J-Lau. You’re so fair.

The match got underway and, as expected, it was a good one. We were given great moves and Dolph Ziggler’s cute little butt made me squeal in delight. Things took a dark turn when Punk accidentally knocked the referee out of the ring. J-Lau, the sweetheart that he is, decided to check on the referee to make sure he was OK. Problem was, at this point, Punk was making Dolph tap to the anaconda vice. Then J-Lau MAY have missed a three count whilst he was helping the ref back in the ring. CM Punk went crazy and threw Dolph up for the GTS, hitting J-Lau in the head and sending him crashing to the outside. In the process, Punk kinda got the three count again. Total accident. It was sorted in the end and CM Punk won. He brought it on himself. J-Lau is an ANGEL.

Then it was the Rumble. It’s hard to recap the match but here are the things that made me happy:

1. The Miz stayed in so long
2. Cody Rhodes and The Miz were practically a team. This turned me on immensely
3. Ricardo Rodriguez
4. Mr Socko v Cobra

5. Kofi’s Handstand

6. Road Dogg’s return

7. Kharma’s return/hitting her finisher on Dolph

Here are the things I didn’t like:

1. Kharma didn’t stay in longer
2. All the announcers got involved
3. The Big Show was the 30^th entrant
4. Sheamus won it. FUCKING SHEAMUS. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME? I love Sheamus but, come on…

What did you think of it? Was it the end of the world as you know it or were you too bitterly disappointed by the fact WWE have botched Jericho’s return this making us look like fools for the whole It Begins thing?

Let me know.

XO-WB

Rumble-eveable Predictions

Hey everyone! No Friday Fitties gallery this week due to an issue with the video feed. The images aren’t great quality and I like to provide the best. Instead, here are my predictions for this year’s Royal Rumble.

The 30-Man Royal Rumble Match

There’s a lot of speculation over who it could be. This year WWE have really pushed the fact that literally ANYONE can enter the Royal Rumble. This opens up the PPV in many ways because it means that people can do double duty. So, it means that the guys already in matches can enter.

There is a lot of talk about the winner being either Chris Jericho or Randy Orton. I think there’s a lot of weight behind the Chris Jericho argument. He’s made it very clear that the world as we know it is going to change. In fact, it’s almost like the WWE is TRYING to tell us he’s going to win. Then there’s Randy Orton. He’s back after an injury but his feud with Wade Barrett seems far from over as their match on Smackdown was a non-starter. I don’t think either Randy Orton is going to be the winner. As I feel Randy Orton doesn’t have any fire behind him. Nobody WANTS him to be a champion. I have a feeling Orton is going to eliminate Barrett and Barrett will eliminate Orton.

My money is on Chris Jericho. My reasons for which I will list below.

WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO

CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler w/Special Guest Referee J-Lau (WWE Championship)

So, a simple segue into this discussion. There’s a lot of theory around this match and what will happen. J-Lau has already been told that if he screws Punk then he won’t have a job. I’ve been talking about my Y2J/Stephanie McMahon theory for a very long time now and I believe it’ll tie into this match… I think that Stephanie is working against Triple H. Triple H as COO was actually pretty fair and, it turns out, is pro-Punk. In fact, when Otunga read out the letter on Raw, Punk said that Triple H was going to come back and do the right thing. This is where I feel Stephanie will be involved. She doesn’t want to do the right thing; she doesn’t want a guy like Punk as champion. I believe she’s the girl in the It Begins videos.

So how does that tie into this match? I think that the match will be real good; I think it’ll be great but I think it’ll end in a DQ. How exactly that will happen, I’m not too sure. I’m presuming it’s going to involve J-Lau being knocked out and Triple H bringing another referee to the ring who catches Vickie or Swags getting involved. Either way, it’ll be a DQ.

Everyone will be pissed off. I then think that Jericho will be helped in the Rumble. I think that it could possibly end up with Kevin Nash and Chris Jericho as the final two contestants and Nash throws himself over. Or, possibly, the lights will go down (all but Jericho’s jacket) and then everyone will have been eliminated declaring Jericho the winner.

Then on Raw we’ll get the reveal… as Triple H goes to fire J-Lau he’s interrupted by Chris Jericho AND… his wife. She says that she has control from the Board, which she’s been behind it all along, Trips is weak etc.

WINNER: CM PUNK

Daniel Bryan v The Big Show v Mark Henry [ Triple Threat Steel Cage Match] (World Heavyweight Championship)

An interesting feud here that has one prong too many. I think that they’re trying to work Mark Henry into the match so he’s still seen as dominant, but at the same time, it’s distracting from the real story where we’re supposed to decide who is turning heel.

It’s very clear that Daniel Bryan is becoming an asshole. But it’s Big Show who is also showing change. He’s gotten angrier, louder, more unpredictable. Nothing makes anybody crazier that guilt.

The other problem we have is that every time Show and Henry have a match, something gets broken. So I think it’s safe to assume that this isn’t going to be much of a cage match.

I also think that AJ will be wheeled to the ring in a neck brace, looking very injured and that will distract The Big Show.

So who will win? I predict that The Big Show will take out Mark Henry but the ruckus between the two ends up slightly hurting AJ. Show goes to check on her (this is presuming they break the cage) and AJ stands up and kicks him in the nuts. Bryan gets a few chair shots in, rolls him into the ring and makes Show tap.

Bryan and AJ celebrate… the new heel couple.

WINNER: DANIEL BRYAN

John Cena v Kane

This has been a storyline I’ve not cared much for but it’ll be an interesting match. Cena’s angry poopface indicated that he was starting to snap and all along Kane has been trying to get him to embrace the hate.

I think this match will end with Cena getting DQ’d… he goes too far and really rips into Kane. Referees, trainers etc and throws aside by a furious Cena who then pulverises Kane. Cena is finally held back and realises what he’s become whilst Kane gets up on his feet, laughs and sets off his pyro… his mission complete.

WINNER: KANE

So, they’re my predictions… what are yours? Hit me up!