McMahon Isn’t ConVinced

So this week’s RAW was always going to be difficult. First of all, it was a pre-record so everyone on the dreaded internet already knew what was going to happen. Secondly, how in the hell do you top last week’s? Well, WWE’s answer to that was to drag out the chairman but, how did it all play out?

We opened with the announcement that since Punk was suspended, there would be a Triple Threat match to determine the new Number 1 Contender at Money In The Bank. The match was set for R Truth, Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio. So far, so boring.

Then we get to the action and John Cena’s music hits. You know serious shit has gone down when Cena puts on his concerned face and his quiet voice. This being aired on 4^th July meant everyone was uber American and Cena spoke a lot about the First Amendment which a lot of Americans tend to use as an excuse for  bigotry and stupidity. Cena continued that Punk shouldn’t be deleted from history because he did a bad thing which is hilarious considering Benoit is never mentioned anymore but I guess a scripted speech is a little different to double murder suicide. You say potato…

Cena continued his sombre chat by saying Punk shouldn’t have been suspended for speaking his mind and then talked about Daniel Bryan being fired and WWE signs being confiscated. It was literally like the WWE was giving the Internet Wrestling Community a handjob. Cena then said he wanted answers and he wants them from Vince McMahon.

Following Cena were the Divas who probably think that free speech is an offer at the Mall. The match was Kelly Kelly and Eve v The Bellas. It saddens me to think of all the Diva talent, we’re seeing the same girls every week. The match was actually terrible. I know it’s easy to say the Diva’s wrestling sucks but, seriously, this was bad. The only saving grace was Eve’s decision to mock the Bellas by shaking her backside like she was wafting a fart. Kelly Kelly eventually picked up the win.

Backstage, R Truth was on his phone talking to somebody called Flo. In a bizarre segment, he tried to renew his car insurance after being told he was a driver at risk on account of him being fucking mental. He then name dropped some company in product placement so blatant it made DX’s attempts look subtle. Truth then got off the phone to Flo to do an interview with Scott Stanford where he basically said that somebody is going to get got which, btw, is my new favourite phrase. I said it the other day when I was short changed.

Back in the ring, Santino and Vladimir were up against New Nexus’ Otunga and McGuillicutty. The match was actually not that bad and Santino’s in-ring work is always hilarious plus he does the splits really well. However, spreading your legs doesn’t work in WWE unless you’re Kelly Kelly (oh snap!) and it wasn’t enough for a win. New Nexus were victorious and then, for some reason, Zack Ryder came out for a quick “woo woo woo, you know it” and left. Again, handjob for the internet.

We then headed backstage once more where an upset Miz isn’t happy at being left out of the Triple Threat match. He reckons it’s all Alex Riley’s fault and Riley has ruined his career. I’m totally seeing a Bobby Brown/Whitney Houston thing going on and I found the whole thing so cute. Also, I see why Miz wears fake tan. He’s damn pale. He then vowed to finish off Alex Riley. Giggedy.

Elsewhere backstage, Evan Bourne was inexplicably talking to Sgt. Slaughter about America and leading the pledge of allegiance. Jack Swagger then turned up saying he should do it as he was the All American American and Sgt Slaughter was Pro-Iraq or something stupid. Sgt. Slaughter then accepted a challenge for a match.

It’s so stupid, I’m not recapping it. I refuse. It annoys me. Why are they wasting time with actual dickheads like Slaughter when fresh, interesting talent can be getting a run out. Anyway, Sarge eventually lead the pledge and went through it so fast the audience could barely keep up. Way to go, gurl.

The next match was the Triple Threat match and, although we’ve seen it all before, it was actually a good match. It looked like Rey Mysterio was about to pick up the win but out of nowhere, Del Rio hit the arm bar and Mysterio tapped out. I love the Arm Bar but Del Rio bounces on it and it just makes him look like he’s arm humping. Although there are a few dodgy moves in WWE. Cena’s “5 knuckle shuffle” for instance. Um… is it just in the UK that this is a term for wanking?

Following that was Vickie and Dolph who came to the ring for a party. Vickie had laid on a nice birthday party for America and a Dolph who, as United States Champion, is actually America… or so Vickie said. Vickie then decided to sing happy birthday to Dolph and it would’ve been hilarious if she hadn’t already done the same thing to Fake Obama at Capitol Punishment.

Kofi Kingston had enough of watching the celebration and came to the ring. This annoyed Michael Cole who felt Kofi wasn’t American enough to be there. Woopsie. Kofi and Dolph started brawling and then this happened:

I guess you CAN have your cake and eat it.

Speaking of delicious slices, The Miz’s match with A-Ry was up next. The match was fantastic and I would even say it was PPV worthy. The two clearly know each other well and… I’ll stop there before my erection ends up stopping me finishing the blog. After Riley won the match, a dismayed Miz decided he’d had enough and he attacked Riley. Riley was literally thrown from pillar to post and it was all very awesome. I love Miz when he’s angry.

Then it was the moment we’d all been waiting for (unless you read the spoilers). Mr McMahon made his way to the ring. He attempted to keep it short and sweet by saying CM Punk was basically a punk who deserved to be suspended and didn’t deserve to be on the merch. He then thanked the crowd and attempted to leave but John Cena came out instead.

Cena said that Vince was meant to be a fighter and he should fight but Vince says that Cena isn’t good enough to guarantee he could beat Punk so, to save the embarrassment of Punk taking the Title to another brand, Vince is ensuring that the match doesn’t happen. Cena then berates the boss even more and then eventually decides that if Vince isn’t going to support freedom of speech, he doesn’t want the title.

Vince goes after him and says he can have his match but on one condition: if Cena loses… HE’S FIRED!

What will happen next? Well, you’ll have to wait and see.

XO-WB

Power Outage

This week RAW was all about Power To Dem People, yo (in the words of Booker T). There was, of course, a few hiccups and I’ll discuss them later. So, was it Power To The People or was the Power out?

The show opened with CM Punk who made his way to the ring to, presumably, make the honest announcement he referred to at Capitol Punishment. The internet has been buzzing with rumours that CM Punk is soon to retire as he is yet to renew his contract. CM Punk sat down and I began to wonder if it was story time and, in a way, it was. Punk said that he is the best wrestler in the world and that, after defeating several people, his the natural Number 1 contender for the WWE Title. He said he refused to leave until the RAW GM said so. The GM took his/her time so CM Punk decided he’d make snow angels. I like when CM Punk gets all mischievous.

The Anon GM announced that, CM Punk was giving too much lip and therefore, he’d now have to earn a shot at the title in a match with Alberto Del Rio. CM Punk laughed this off saying that ADR is nothing but a fluke to which the Anon GM said that it’d now be a triple threat.. including Rey Mysterio. Oh yeah, Punk and Mysterio going at it. We’ve not that had that in ooh, 24 hours.

The first match of the night was a Diva’s Championship match where the viewers would get to choose her opponent out of a selection of Eve, Kelly Kelly and Beth Pheonix. The votes were polled and the opponent was announced.

The match itself was actually quite good and I am thinking that the Divas are really upping their game. Even the crowd seemed into it. The match came to an end with a Kelly Kelly win and she was to be the new Divas Champion. This resulted in a lot of tears which made me wish Kharma wasn’t pregnant so she could run in and squash her. Instead we got Jerry Lawler doing another in-ring interview. I sure as hell hope these aren’t a regular feature. Kelly x2 cried about how it was her first Divas Championship and basically looked like she’d just won Miss World.

Next was the most controversial match of the night in terms of the voting process. The People were asked to vote on who they wanted to face Evan Bourne. The decision was between Jack Swagger, Mason Ryan and Sin Cara. The votes came in and everyone got a surprise.

Turns out the voting effed up and the votes for Kelly Kelly accidentally rolled over. The real winner of that should have been Sin Cara so, to make up for it, the two will face off next week. The match was so-so and my fandom for Mason Ryan is waning. I don’t see much potential in the guy and his face and hair irritate me. He looks like someone melted butter and put a wig on it. Anyway, it was basically a squash match with Mason Ryan picking up the win.

The next big decision was a pick the stipulation for Mark Henry v Kane. Mark Henry has been a bit crazy as of late and pulled off the coolest move of the entire Capitol Punishment PPV. That being said, the WWE Fans are often not the smartest and they chose an arm wrestling match. Predictably, this didn’t go to plan and the whole thing got pretty dull as the two refused to get into it, walking around the ring. The crowd even got fed up chanting “this is stupid” which is pretty hilarious considering they probably voted for it. Finally, Mark Henry smacked Kane in the chops and shoved him through an announce table a la Capitol Punishment. Second time around, still cool as hell.

R Truth was the next superstar to take to the mic and he wasn’t a happy bunny after what happened at Capitol Punishment. For those with bad memories, a young “fan” in the audience threw water over him allowing Cena to pick up the win. Truth said he asked (sorry, axed) himself who he thought would screw him over and that he got a surprised as he got “okey-doked by Lil Jimmy”. R Truth’s turns of phrase make me smile on the regular and I beg of WWE to release an R Truth Phrase Book. After whining for a while, R Truth was interrupted by Christian who said he knew how Truth felt. The two had a bitching session which was broken up by The Miz who called them cry-babies.

The Miz then asked the two why they were moaning as they had plenty of chance. He said, in his case, the ref got involved where he shouldn’t. Again, for those who have bad memories, Miz went into the ring to hit A-Ry with the briefcase and the ref snatched it off him. R Truth and Christian weren’t convinced and said that Miz’s match wasn’t important. This led to a hilarious exchange where Christian and Miz yelled “Randy, Riley” at each other only to be interrupted by Truth intercepting with “JIMMY”. A little Jimmy chant then broke out as did a smile on my face.

This exchange was interrupted by Teddy Long who came dressed as Kenan Thompson in the “What’s Up Wit Dat” sketch on Saturday Night Live. He said that the People will get to choose the stipulation of the main event which will be a 6 man tag match in which the 3 of them would face Cena, Orton and Riley.

Following that was the People’s choice on the stip of a US Title rematch between Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston. The drumroll hit and the result was announced.

The match, again, was pretty good. I’m actually impressed with the show so far even though some of the decisions are a little bland. But the people want what the people want. Dolph managed to win the first fall, with the second fall going to Kofi Kingston who hit the SOS out of nowhere. The third fall was everything but for some reason, Dolph didn’t want to play and he sexually crawled away. He probably didn’t mean it sexually but I’m gonna take it as it was. Kofi then went after him, only to get hit with the mic and picking up the DQ win. That doesn’t count though and Dolph kept the title.

Next up was the Triple Threat Match for the number one contender spot. I was quite looking forward to this despite it being a rehash yet again of Mysterio/Punk. The match stipulation was still to be decided so, what did the people go for?

The match was so/so in my opinion and we all could’ve guessed who would have won. CM Punk picked up the win and then picked up a mic.
He announced that July 17^th isn’t just Money In The Bank… it’s also the date his contract ends. He then announced that he would be leaving but he wants to leave as champion. WHAT… a twist.

It’s a tough one to top but this next match had done it. I often bang on about seeing rematch after rematch but I honestly don’t mind if they keep it interesting. I’m a huge fan of both Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan’s in-ring skill and the matches are always a delight. Again, the people got to pick the stipulation.

The match got underway and it was a doozy. It didn’t last long but that didn’t matter as it had everything I could’ve wanted. There was also a hot-as-hell ass/bulge shot of Rhodes to finish it off. Daniel Bryan picked up the win but later had his ass handed to him by Cody and Ted DiBiase. He was then bagged.

We then went into classic WWE time filler mode as Vicki Guerrero went to the ring. It was to be a dance off where her opponent would be someone from the announce team. Vicki was the first to dance, however, and she got her freak on. She then planted a smacker on a very cute Matt Striker. Is it me or does Matt Striker look younger every time we see him? Nom.

But, who would be Vicki’s opponent?

Cole did a great job, in all fairness, and he was pretty fun. He, naturally, picked up the win with the loudest boos but this did not please Vicki G who slapped him. You go, gurl.

We then had our 6 Man tag team match. The stipulation was yet to be decided and the options were interesting. The drumroll rolled out one last time as the People placed their final votes.

The match was alright but it’s not anything we hadn’t seen before. A-Ry was the first to be eliminated after Miz snuck in a Skull Crushing Finale. Also, I am loving Miz’s funny corner dance he does now. Do you know which one I mean? Before he hits that jump-through-turnbuckle move, he dances around and shakes his hot ass. I love it.

The Miz soon followed his apprentice, however, being eliminated by Cena. It was 2 v 2 and things looked to be fair before Randy Orton eliminated R Truth. I guess he Got Got. Following Truth to the dressing room, however, was Orton but Orton instead RKO’d Christian to help Cena pick up the win with the STF. Meh.

So that was another 3 hour RAW. Next week is RAW Roulette. Hmm… lots of random matches. I guess Creative has nothing for us!

XO-WB

Water Load Of Crap

So Capitol Punishment was always going to be a mixed bag of suck. It was based on a lot of matches we’ve already seen over and over and well, I wasn’t excited. I did like the concept of it though. Anyhoo, I’m not one to moan.

The show opened up with a fantastic vignette of R Truth where he talked about the Truth setting people free. Not always true like, if you’re a rapist, the truth will probably send you to jail. I emailed WWE to explain this and, bizarrely I’ve had no reply.

Then the show got underway and I must admit I loved the stage. They really capitolised (get it?) on the PPV theme and it was great. The first match belonged to Kofi Kingston and Dolph Ziggler. I’m a huge Dolph fan which has a lot to do with the fact his shorts are so… short. The guy was bulging upfront and round the back which is why he was my Wednesday Wedgie.

The match was actually pretty good with both men pulling some fantastic movies. It looked set to end in several places but just continued which was fantastic. Kofi eventually tried to go for Trouble In Paradise but Dolph ducked out the way, then Dolph went for the Zig Zag but Kofi got out of that. Whilst the referee was distracted, Vickie Gurerro raked the eyes of Kofi to help Dolph pick up the win with the sleeper hold.

Whilst we’re at it, Jerry Lawler… you need to stop with the fat jokes. Yes, she’s a bad guy and everything but she’s smoking hot and super skinny so your jokes aren’t funny. And also, it’s the pot calling the kettle fat.

Backstage we saw R Truth arriving in a limousine. I guess this time it ISN’T about parking spots. He has John Cena’s WWE title and tells Josh Matthews that “the champ is in the house fo shizzle”. It’s brilliant. He then tells Eve he wants to party but she refuses, making R Truth all sad.

Then it’s Miz time as Miz gives a great interview about how Alex Riley never won anything, he won it himself. Then we were given the obligatory look back at their feud and the match began. I actually really enjoyed the match and I am sure that was mainly because of its Brokeback feel. It is also because I want to ram Miz’s backside. I mean, come on, how can you not admire his glutes? His ass is so juicy, it literally falls out during matches.

Anyslowmotionmasturbation, Alex Riley was getting beat down and the action spilled outside where Michael Cole started yelling at Riley, Riley then threw Cole to the floor. It’s always fun seeing Michael Cole getting tossed. Not like that, rude. Riley managed to turn things around and pick up the win after the referee intercepted Miz’s attempt at hitting Riley with a briefcase.

We then head backstage again where we were met by a fake Barack Obama. This is more annoying than the fake Queen they had Knight Cole. At least this guy looks more like the person he’s meant to. Vickie then turns up and sings “Happy Father’s Day” in a Marilyn Munroe-esque voice. She’s then carried away. It was not needed and it’s stupid.

Next was Alberto Del Rio v Big Show. Big Show has gone a little crazy lately and it hadn’t eased up since Smackdown as Show attacked Del Rio before the match even started. The two brawled on the outside for a while until, out of nowhere, Mark Henry appeared. For those not familiar, Big Show attacked Mark Henry on Smackdown causing him to be stretchered out. Then came along one of the coolest things I’ve seen for a while, Mark Henry slammed Big Show through the Spanish Announce Table. Now, I’m always glad WWE keeps to PPV tradition of the Spanish Announce Table but this was fantastic. My jaw literally dropped.

Henry then followed it up by slamming Show’s injured knee. The match still hadn’t gotten underway and the referee asked Show if he wanted to carry on. The match finally got started but, after being slowly beat down, Show could no longer get up and the Referee stopped the match. It’s an interesting finish but a bit similar to the Dolph/Kofi ending. Still, it was well worth it to see the Mark Henry slam.

We then get Wade Barrett who spouts about the poor state of the US. He laughs at their educational system and then berates them about their national debt. Erm, Wade, have you been to the UK lately? We’re floundering in debt, half the country is unemployed and it couldn’t get any worse. Nice try though. His opponent for the night was Ezekiel Jackson and the Intercontinental Championship was on the line. The two fought a good fight but Big Zeke won with the Torture Rack. A finisher I find stupid. It doesn’t even look like it hurts.

For some reason, no doubt as a time filler, Jerry Lawler decided to interview Zeke in the ring after the match. It was painful. Extremely painful.

Next on the Fake Obama tour of WWE was Santino who tried to teach Fake Obama (Fobama?) the Cobra. He was then taken away. Nobody laughed, this is so stupid.

After that we got some intelligence with CM Punk. Now those pesky internet rumours are stating that CM Punk is soon to retire and Punk had a lot to say to Josh Matthews. He said that WWE Superstars or “Sports Entertainers” are simply in it for the money and that he hates the politics of WWE but he’s willing to play them. He says, upon winning, he’ll make the most honest announcement in WWE History. You can check that out on my RAW Recap on Sunday.

Then it was time for his match against Rey Mysterio. It was a good match, as expected, and Punk picked up the Nexus-free win with a GTS.

Next is match number 3 for Randy Orton and Christian. Honestly, I couldn’t care less so I’m not even going to recap it. The match was boring. It was boring because we’ve seen it 3 times over. I appreciate that Christian has a story to fulfil but there is much, much more they could be doing with him. Either way, it was a yawn fest. I do believe, however, it will continue as the match ended with Randy Orton winning with the RKO. However, during the pin, Christian’s foot was clearly under the ropes. Christian protested this and Randy hit him with the WHC Belt. I have a feeling this is going to roll on and on.

For some reasons the Bella Twins arrive with some dude namedKeith Stone. Upon research, I discovered he’s the character on the Keystone Light adverts. It was just advertising.

As predicted, we got an extra match with Jack Sthwagger going up against Evan Bourne. I was delighted by this match because Evan was wearing super tight tights and well, his ass is amazing. I had forgotten this fact and I apologise. Even I can be subject of ass oversight. Bourne and his buns won the match.

Then Fake Obama came out to the stage and made a speech. It was sort of funny but it sort of took this piss at the same time. Either way, Fake Obama was a bad idea and it’s just plain disrespectful. Nobody paid money to see this.

Finally it was the match I just couldn’t predict: R Truth v John Cena. The match itself was actually pretty good and both men really got each other over. They fought hard and long and that meant R Truth needed a break. That’s when this happened:

WHAT… a finish. I loved it and I thought it was real unique. Little Jimmy got R Truth!

So that was that done and dusted but RAW was a three hour show. Check out my RAW Recap coming your way this Sunday.

XO-WB

Wednesday Wedgie #2

A successful new segment which lit the blog world on fire last week has returned!

Capitol Punishment may have been a disappointment (more on that later) but it did provide us with some hot booty.

And the hottest booty of the night?

Dolph Ziggler!

Perfection, indeed.

XO-WB

Predictions With A Capitol P

Hey everyone. Just a quick one to get my predictions out there. I completely forgot to do them so it’s pretty last minute.

Rey Mysterio v CM Punk

I think this match is going to be a bit boring but who knows? CM Punk is a real superstar and I think it’s unfair that he constantly loses all the time. I honestly don’t know which way this will go as WWE doesn’t seem to be pushing either of these two men for anything at the minute.

I’m going to go with a CM Punk win. I presume New Nexus will be involved but I have a feeling they will probably be banned from ringside.

Alex Riley v The Miz

An interesting one. The Miz is a must-see champion and he certainly could do without losing but then we wouldn’t get our big pay-off. I’m going to say that the WWE might surprise us and this feud could go on longer than we thought.

I’m predicting The Miz will pick up the win.

Big Show v Alberto Del Rio

I’m loving the direction Big Show is taking and I think that the match will end with him beating the hell out of Del Rio. I also have a feeling that maybe, just maybe, the match might not even happen. It’s a real long shot and it’d be a surprise but I think maybe Big Show might just get “arrested”.

If the match does go ahead, I’m going to say that Big Show will pick up the win and probably try to smash Del Rio’s face in afterwards.

Wade Barrett v Ezekiel Jackson (Intercontinental Championship)

It’s been an interesting character change for Wade as he breaks away from Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater. I think that, ultimately, Wade is more interesting in the ring which is why I think Wade will pick up the win.

I’m just not a fan of Zeke.

Kofi Kingston v Dolph Ziggler (US Championship)

I’m actually looking forward to this match. I’m a huge fan of Dolph and Kofi always does great at the big PPVs. I think Vicki will be a huge part of this and it could go either way. She might try to help him win it and result in him losing or she’ll try and she’ll succeed.

I’m going to say that she’ll try to help him and fail so Kofi will pick up the win. I see the Dolph/Vicki story taking a huge turn for the bad.

John Cena v R Truth (WWE Championship)

Another interesting one. R Truth has been amazing these past few months but I really don’t forsee him picking up a title. I don’t think Cena will be dropping the title just yet so John Cena will win.

Randy Orton v Christian (World Heavyweight Championship)

Another interesting one which could go either way. Everyone is expecting Randy Orton to win and often what fans expect usually happens. Christian has played a solid character but I think it’d be more interesting for him to lose again and see where he goes.

I’m going to say Randy Orton retains.

Other Predictions

• I predict that there will be many Anthony Weiner jokes
• I think the Anonymous Raw GM will announce that he/she will reveal themselves on RAW (wishful thinking)
• I think we’ll see an additional match which I think will either be Tag Team Title match between New Nexus and Gabriel/Slater or Jack Swagger v Evan Bourne. I hope though it’s a Divas match as there isn’t one on the card.
• I think Donald Trump will make an appearance somehow