Vince & Repeat

Raw this week was miles better than last week’s effort. But what went on? It’s a good job this is a recap, eh? Read on!

Raw began with some tag team action as Team Hell No went up against The Prime Time Players. However, before TPTP turned up, Kane had a few words for some audience members. I say, audience members, it was in fact The Shield. The Shield were in a sky box looking over the ring and Kane basically called them cowards and told them to come down and face him. I think that’s why Kane will never host The Price Is Right. TPTP then came down to the ring and the match began. Team Hell No were trying their best but were distracted because The Shield kept making their way down to the ring.

Eventually, Daniel Bryan would pick up the win thanks to reversing a roll-up into another roll-up. Immediately afterwards, The Shield ran into the ring and gave both men a brutal beat down.

Backstage, John Cena and Sheamus were talking. The conversation went from odd to super odd as Cena began discussing giving a Giraffe a ride in his car but getting a citation for it. Then Sheamus tried to out-goof him by talking about Dublin and Father Ted kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse. For those unaware, Father Ted was a popular UK sitcom and one of the funniest episodes saw Ted having to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse as a forfeit on a bet. Glad you’re caught up. Sheamus thanked Cena for turning up on Smackdown to help him and said he was looking forward to teaming up with him against Ziggler and Big Show later.

Divas action was our second match of the night with AJ Lee facing Tamina. The role of Tamina was played by Vanessa Williams. It was actually a good match and it was nice to see Tamina getting to show off an impressive set of moves. Eventually she succumbed to the dreaded roll-up curse and AJ picked up the win. AJ and Tamina could’ve had a great feud after Survivor Series but, alas, it wasn’t to be.

CM Punk and Paul Heyman made their way to the ring after the commercial break. Heyman was carrying with him the WWE Encyclopaedia and thus ensued one of the best ever plugs of merchandise that wasn’t a plug ever where he basically said that Punk should’ve been in it more. After discussing the importance of Punk’s WWE Title reign, Punk then took to the mic and did his usual best in the world stuff and said he has nothing to do with The Shield or Brad Maddox. Side note, the way Punk pronounces “Maddox” is very annoying.

The Miz then came out and interrupted. He referred to Paul Heyman as a “walrus” and tried his best to make the crowd love him. Face Miz is a real cutie patootie, I know that much. He then said that Punk should prove he isn’t lying about The Shield and Maddox by taking a lie detector test on MizTV. Punk accepted.

Then it was time for tag team action as Sheamus and John Cena faced The Big Show and Dolph Ziggler. I actually loved this match and Sheamus and Cena made a great team. Also, Dolph looked totally hot. I love the way he pushes his trunks further down his torso so we can see his ‘v’… *ahem*. Anyways, the match ended on a supercool note when Cena and Sheamus simultaneously hit their finishes on Ziggler and Show.

Damien Sandow was next out the curtain and decided that his efforts to educate the WWE Universe have been fruitless. He said, however, he wanted an apprentice. He then called an audience plant to the ring who was dressed as an R Truth fan. He asked him three questions. The first two were simple general knowledge. Then he asked who wrote a verse of poetry. The R Truth fan sadly lost. Santino then came out and chastised our intellectual saviour and said he’d ask HIM a question. How many sea shells does she sell on the sea shore? That was the actual question. Sandow, ever the genius, answered it genuinely and ended up beating on Santino when he tried to hit him with the mic. Life’s a beach, right you guys? You guys?!

Santino and Sandow then had a match with Sandow as the victor.

Backstage, Dolph explained to Vickie that he lost because of The Big Show. Vickie, however, said she was starting to lose faith in her boo. Dolph begged her to give him a chance to prove otherwise and let him face Cena at TLC. Vickie agreed and Dolph went to hug her but she was reluctant to let him. ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN?!

As Dolph left, he noticed someone in Vickie’s office. Turns out it was the Heartthrob Ref himself, Brad Maddox. Maddox told Vickie he was ensuring people didn’t forget his name and she should give him another chance. She agreed and gave him a match where, if he won, he’d get a contract.

Alberto Del Rio v Sin Cara was the next match. It was pretty good I guess. Not much to say really. ADR won.

We then caught a glimpse of Vince McMahon walking to the ring. He stopped a production assistant and told him to get Vickie to the ring. The PA replied “OK” to which Vince made him say “yes, sir”. Brilliant.

In the ring, Vince told Vickie he was concerned about TLC. She announced Cena/Ziggler and Vince wasn’t happy. He said it should be a Ladder Match with something on the line… Dolph’s briefcase. It was at this point that I lost my shit. No other Money In The Bank Winner has had to defend his briefcase not once but twice! Crazy. Vickie reluctantly agreed and then Vince got her to announce that, if Punk is found lying, Paul Heyman will face Ryback.

Brad Maddox’s contract match turned out to be a squash match vs Randy Orton. Orton made quick work of Maddox but then was set upon by The Shield. So y’know, there was something good about that part of Raw.

Dolph arrived at Vickie’s Office furious to which she roared back that he wanted this match and she just added a stipulation. Dolph then cut her deep by saying she was just like AJ:  an immature, ungrateful amateur! Oof.

Paul Heyman then turned up to stare Vickie down to which she warned him he’d better hope that Punk isn’t lying.

Cena then joined the fun and thanked Vickie for making the match. Vickie then presented Cena with two hairpins adorned with his face saying that AJ had them made and that she was obsessed with him and it’ll end bad. Cena told Vickie she was full of crap and the hairties were a hack job. I’m sure the props lady was later found crying.

Then the Mayans were found to be right. Teddy Long interrupted a tag match and made into a fatal fourway. HE CANCELLED A TAG MATCH, YOU GUYS. It was to be a Fatal Fourway match for either the Intercontinental or US Title, depending on a Raw Active poll. The poll revealed that Kofi Kingston, R Truth, Wade Barrett and Antonio Cessaro would face each other for the US Title. It was a pretty good match and Kofi took a hit on the outside which looked real painful. Cessaro managed to retain his title.

Then it was main event time. Ish. It was Lie Detector time and face Miz even tried to get some applause for the County Sheriff’s office but was booed when he pronounced the county wrong. Woopsie. Punk then came to the ring and the test began. Just ask Miz began to get into the interesting questions, The Shield appeared once more and took out Miz. Team Hell No then came to the ring to help Miz and it looked like they’d get beat too until Ryback ran down. Team Hell No and Ryback managed to divide and conquer The Shield and Punk celebrated in the ring. That was until Ryback got back in and beat him down. He then put Punk through a table.

After the show, however, Punk was carried out and, as we all know, was injured. Best of luck with your recovery, Punk. I’m sure you read this… *cough*.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Shield Me From This Nightmare

This week’s Raw was less than stellar. People forgot names, stumbled over words and you could tell that everyone was hitting a lull. It’s understandable and has always been one of the strongest arguments for WWE to work in seasons rather than all-year. But… it’s a rare thing for WWE to be so monumentally terrible and here’s hoping it’s temporary.

The show began with Ryback facing Titus O’Neil. Already off to a bad start. There wasn’t much point to this match other than them needed an opening bout and to have Ryback get some screentime. The match wasn’t terrible but the outcome was inevitable. Titus did his best but Ryback destroyed him and picked up the win.

I suppose it was a nice lead-in to the confrontation with Vickie but it didn’t pay off. Firstly, it wasn’t entirely obvious that Ryback was holding the show hostage yet security were already on him. Also, why just go after that one security guy? Vickie came out and told Ryback she won’t have him hold her show hostage and that he needs to get out the ring. Ryback pointed out that her security probably couldn’t stop him (apparently three guys can but five can’t) to which Vickie suddenly decided to give into all his demands. This doesn’t seem like Vickie at all and it stood out really odd. Also, Ryback’s weird “angry jaw” thing is super annoying.

So, to sum up, Vickie agreed to a Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match between CM Punk and Ryback for the WWE Title at, well, TLC. It just seemed very wedged in.

We were then shown some earlier footage from the backstage area. Basically, on Smackdown, Hornswaggle had tricked Rosa Mendes with a flower that squirts water. Rosa reacted badly because usually when something squirts in her face, her contract gets renewed. Backstage on Raw, Rosa confronted Hornswaggle asking why he didn’t want a piece of her. Hornswaggle replied telling her that she wasn’t all that. Alberto Del Rio then turned up and threatened to beat Hornswaggle up. The Great Khali and his two shattered knees then made an appearance to warn ADR away.

Khali and ADR then had a match. It was so-so and Khali is starting to get slower and slower. I know it’s all he knows but the guy is going to end up in a wheelchair. It’s hard to watch. Anyways, Ricardo managed to distract Khali to allow ADR to hit the cross armbreaker for the win.

Backstage once more where Vickie was confronted by CM Punk and Paul Heyman. Their argument was that Vickie was endangering her champion by putting him in a TLC match. Vickie said Ryback deserved it after “Punk’s boys” intervened. Both Vickie and Punk struggled to remember the name “Roman Reigns”. It was awkward but they powered through. Vickie then announced that Punk would face either Kane or Daniel Bryan, as chosen by a Raw Active poll.

Then came the dumbest part of the night. The Michael Cole interview with Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns. Firstly, the interview was held in what appeared to be an abandoned warehouse rather than one of WWE’s swanky studios. The set-up looked more like a drug deal than an interview. Then, all three men were dressed like mall cops with overactive imaginations. Cole asked the men if they were hired by CM Punk. Dean Ambrose was the butter-faced team leader and I have to say, what an odd looking bloke. He looks like the picture that should be used in dictionaries when defining the term “troll”. He said that the men were simply a shield against injustice and that they were sit of sitting at NXT and watching WWE turn into a popularity contest. That’s right, the three men who only came to light due to internet POPULARITY were bemoaning popularity.

They said they were there to stop WWE heading in the wrong direction. Sadly, they must’ve missed an opportunity to stop the interview airing.

It was super, super dumb. The Shield looks super, super dumb and I am simply not yet buying the hype of these three men.

Next up was Tamina v Alicia Fox. The match was good but it was no Melina v Alicia Fox.  Anyways, Tamina picked up the win.

Then more stupidity reigned as WWE desperately tried to squeeze the Cena/AJ/Vickie/Dolph sponge and hope some creative juices would pour out. What did we get instead? Vickie giving Cena the gift of his and her bathrobes and saying that he should enjoy it whilst it lasts because, soon, AJ will leave him and “his entire world will implode”. His. Entire. World. They’ve been dating 3 weeks. What is this? The Vampire Diaries? With that, AJ then arrived to berate Vickie. She said that she can do whatever she wants now and then kissed Cena.

Can we just stop for a second and discuss these kisses? Is it just me who is bitterly disappointed by Cena’s lip action? He kisses AJ like he’s kissing his mother.

Anyways, Dolph then came out. Things then took an interesting turn when it looked like the story was going to become a gay story. Dolph said that he knows why Cena got so mad and vicious and that he knows “what’s eating him up inside” and it made it seem like he was about to insinuate that Cena thinks about him when he’s kissing AJ but alas, he stated that AJ thinks about him. Damn. That would’ve been one hell of a swerve. Cena then went to kick the jiggle out of Ziggle but Vickie put the kibosh on it and announced the two would have a match later.

Again, REAL dumb.

Wade Barrett then made his way to the announce table for Kofi Kingston v Lord Tensai. Whilst on commentary, Wade slipped in that he’ll be facing Kofi for the IC title at TLC. So yeah, who needs build up?

Kofi picked up the win.

Backstage, Kane and Daniel Bryan began discussing who might get picked for the Raw Active poll. Bryan said that people simply love him and that he has data to prove it. He then displayed a hilarious electoral college map of the US and then The World which showed that everyone was going to vote for him.  Always willing to ruin the party, Josh Matthews showed up to announce that Kane had won the poll and would face CM Punk later. Daniel Bryan was then informed that runner-up prize was a match with Rey Mysterio.

Daniel Bryan v Rey Mysterio was a simple match but it wasn’t terrible. Rey clearly shines much brighter in singles competition and Sin Cara doesn’t compliment him as a superstar. Kane and Bryan work perfectly but Mysterio and Cara have no chemistry. Anyways, Rey got the win.

Backstage once more, Rosa Mendes thanked ADR for his support. It was half-Spanish and half-English but I pretty much picked up that she was going to blow him later. Am I right? Si? Anyways, I always worry when WWE pairs their top stars with Divas in romantic storylines as it often means they’ve run out of solid ideas. Here’s hoping it’s all leading somewhere.

Meanwhile, apparent locker room lurker Josh Matthews interrupted Dolph warming up. He asked if Dolph had given Cena more incentive by making things so personal. Then Dolph said a bunch of things which were super awesome about how he’s Mr Money In The Bank and it couldn’t get better. He’s so dreamy. I am just as transfixed by the things coming out of his mouth as I am by the things I wish were going into it.

Then came the saving grace of the night and the only reason I don’t totally hate the “lovers” angle. Dolph and Cena got to wrestle. And boy, was it good. The match was fantastic and it almost felt PPV worthy. With Cena being attended to after tweaking his knee, Dolph tried to take off the turnbuckle padding. However, AJ came out to stop Dolph and foil his dastardly plan. Vickie soon followed and, when the referee was distracted, Dolph went to hit Cena with the Money In The Bank Briefcase but got hit with an AA instead.

Cena picked up the win and afterwards he and AJ shared another lustless kiss.

Sheamus v Antonio Cessaro was the next match. Sheamus gained the upperhand and knocked Antonio to the outside with a brogue kick. The Big Show, chair in hand, appeared on the stage. Sheamus won via count-out and Big Show looked to walk away but Sheamus instead took to the mic and announced that he’s going to retire Show at TLC and that he doesn’t care if it takes 100 chairs. The Big Show responded by ripping a steel chair to tiny pieces. Some poor intern backstage probably cried into his WWE Lanyard after working so hard to put that together. Cruel, Show. Cruel.

Damien Sandow went up against Zack Ryder and won in the next match. It was a pretty sweet match.

Then it was time for CM Punk v Kane. Kane has gotten better and better in-ring for me and I think that his partnership with Daniel Bryan has given him new life. Kane looked set to win but CM Punk hit the GTS from out of nowhere, just as The Shield began to appear. CM Punk picked up the win and The Shield bombarded the ring and beat on Kane. Punk acted bewildered and confused. Daniel Bryan then ran in but was a lamb to the slaughter. It was down to Ryback to save the day and it looked like he was going to. That was, until, CM Punk jumped back into the ring and beat on him. Ryback looked set to take Punk out too but The Shield got back the advantage and Punk slithered away.

So, why did they do it?

And who gives a fuck?

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Survivor Series Goes Aw-Ry

Survivor Series was an interesting PPV with many twists and turns but what exactly went down? Well I’m glad you asked because I’ve only gone and done a bloody recap, so I have.

The show began with a bogus bonus elimination match. It was to be what I have dubbed Team Cara: Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd & Brodus Clay vs Team Albert: Lord Tensai, Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. It was actually not a terrible match considering it was rather shoe-horned in and it’s nice to see that they’ve decided to build Tyson and Justin a little further. It did raise some worried over Brodus’ future as he was the only member of Team Cara to be eliminated.

I’m also worried about the Prime Time Player’s eyesight as their tights get uglier and brighter each week. It was a seemingly easy win for Team Cara.

Winner:  Team Cara
My Prediction: No prediction due to shoe-in match
Score: 0-0

Backstage we saw Kaitlyn heading to ring until someone in a bad Goldust wig attacked her from behind. Kaitlyn gained the upperhand this time and unveiled the culprit as Aksana. UM… didn’t we already know Aksana was the culprit? Anyways, Eve turned up and said she’d “hate if anything happened to Kaitlyn before the match” to which Kaitlyn pushed Eve over and said the same thing. OMG. RUDE. Eve was trying to be nice.

Then came the actual match itself and I have to say, it was also pretty good. It’s a shame WWE crowds are general douchenozzles and the commentary team didn’t help much either but both women pulled off a good match.  The beginning of the end for Kaitlyn began when Eve literally pulled the rug from underneath her. After hitting a neckbreaker, Eve picked up the win and also grabbed herself a little something extra.

Winner: Eve
My Prediction: Eve
Score: 1-0

Backstage once more but this time it was to the Team Foley locker room. All men were basically bickering as WWE tried to get across the “THEY HATE EACH OTHER, LIKE, LOTS” dynamic of the group. Mick tried to intervene and get the guys onside requesting they finger bang each other. However, Orton simply grunted and told Mick he hated him.

The next match was Antonio Cessaro v R Truth. I opted for Team Toilet Break and ignored most of this match. Two very dull men in what was no doubt a very dull match. Cessaro retained.

Winner: Antonio Cessaro
My Prediction: R Truth
Score: 1-1

Monday Night Raw then trickled into the Survivor Series fun with AJ Lee coming to the ring to make good on an earlier promise to reveal Vickie’s unsavoury antics. I and many others presumed they were going to finally reveal the hypocrisy of Vickie accusing AJ of getting too close to a superstar, *cough* Dolph Ziggler *cough*, but instead AJ went down the photoshop route of putting up fake images of Vickie in compromising positions. AJ missed a few tricks with it but it was kinda funny. Vickie was furious and AJ reminded her Vickie wasn’t allowed to hit her. Then, inexplicably, Tamina came to the ring to beat down AJ. M’kay…

Josh Matthews was then backstage interviewing Paul Heyman and questioned CM Punk’s ability to win the match. Heyman took offense, obvs, and launched into a beautiful diatribe about Punk’s achievements and how he’ll continue to achieve etc etc. It was beautiful but there’s only so much recapping of an interview you can do, y’know?

It was then time for Sheamus and Big Show to go head-to-head. I haven’t been uber keen on this whole feud but the two have had some interesting matches for sure. Sheamus had been all over WWE adverts played throughout the show and I was beginning to see them as some sort of clue. It looked like I was right as Sheamus managed to get the big man down but, as Sheamus went to hit the Brogue Kick, Big Show pulled the ref infront of him. Scott Armstrong went down like a sack of potatoes and other referees clambered to his side. The bell hadn’t yet been rung so when Big Show hit the WMD and pinned it looked like he’d win. A referee did the three count and everything. However, a different referee changed the decision to make it a Big Show DQ. Ooh, bitch please.

Sheamus then decided to put the beat down on Big Show with a steel chair, obviously symbolising that this thing will head into TLC in a chair match no doubt.

Winner: Sheamus via DQ
My Prediction: Big Show
Score: 1-2

Then it was Team Ziggler v Team Foley time. Many had been looking forward to a sexy reveal of Dolph’s new trunks that he’d previously promised on Twitter.

new gear for @wwe #SurvivorSeries sunday, thinking @britneyspears bodysuit from toxic vid meets al czervic

— Nic Nemeth (@NicTNemeth) November 15, 2012

However, it wasn’t to be but Dolph still looked good. Team Ziggler took the first hit after Damien Sandow got caught with a chokeslam when his plot to abandon his team failed. It looked to be going slowly downhill for Team Ziggler but they soon gained the upperhand and eventually it all came down to Randy Orton and Dolph himself. Orton set on a homoerotic beatdown (aren’t they always?) on Ziggler and it looked like he was going for the punt. I immediately began to cry “NOT THE FACE” but Orton’s plot was thwarted by a well-timed superkick. Ziggler pinned Orton for the win.

Winner: Team Ziggler
My Prediction: Team Foley
Score: 1-3

It was main event time as Ryback, Cena and Punk went head-to-head for the WWE Championship. I was nervous about the bought but my nerves melted when I realised how hot Cena looked in his new gear. Anyways, the three men tried their best to make it work with Cena and Punk even teaming up to put Ryback through the announce table.

It looked like the winner of the night would the Spanish Announce Table but, as Ryback got set to pick up the win, three men ran into the ring and beat Ryback and Cena down. They then put Ryback through the Spanish Announce Table.

These three men were the much-talked-about Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns. The Internet fanbase has gone crazy and I’m no doubt going to be seen as a moron for not knowing or caring who they are. I’m going to give this whole thing chance but this just seems to me to be like a new Nexus. I also reckon Brad Maddox will be part of it. Either way, the distraction allowed Punk to pin Cena to retain.

Winner: CM Punk
My Prediction: John Cena
Score: 1-4

Yet again my predictions failed but, oh well! It was an interesting PPV which opened the door for a few fun stories.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

A Feast For Your Survivor Ser-eyes

Yes, Survivor Series was indeed a good PPV.

But… it wasn’t just the wrestling action I was focusing on.

There was indeed some booty jigglin’ and penis wigglin’ and I’ve got it all.

Enjoy.

XO-TWB

Ryback To The Future

This week’s Raw was another interesting one as we head into Survivor Series. But with Brad Maddox’s potential contract on the line, would he be able to secure the $1 million deal? And what further evidence could Vickie have on AJ Lee and John Cena? Read on…

So Raw started as it did last week with a strange Dateline NBC-style voice over. This voice over acts a preview for the show coming up and well, it’s not needed. It just sounds dumb.

Anyways, first up was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler. This is a match I always look forward to because Randy has a habit for really grabbing on guys trunks and it’s super hot. The match wasn’t too bad and ended in a Dolph Ziggler win after Alberto Del Rio, flanked by Ricardo Rodriguez, distracted Orton. After the match, Ziggler, Del Rio and Rodriguez all descended on Orton and beat him down. Orton was then saved by Kofi Kingston.

Never missing the opportunity to make a tag match, Teddy Long came out in his Keenan Thompson “what’s up with that” suit and made a tag match. Ziggler and Del Rio v Orton and Kingston. It was a good tag match which ended in Del Rio picking up the win after a sick kick to Kingston after Rodriguez interrupted.

Afterwards, Dolph stuck around. Now glistening with sweat and baby oil like Edward Cullen in the light, Dolph was with Vickie Guerrero. Vickie is still chomping at the bit about the whole AJ/Cena affair and it’s all getting tiresome. I love Cena. I love AJ. I love Dolph and I love Vickie. You’d think I love this. I just don’t. Especially because it’s steeped in the irony of Vickie’s inappropriate cougar/cub relationship with Dolph.

A furious AJ came to the ring and said things needed to stop and that Vickie was throwing her “considerable weight” around. A fat joke? Really? Anyways, Vickie was furious and then played some voicemail messages where AJ pretty much confesses her feelings for John. When did Vickie start working for News International? AJ said that they were false but Vickie and Dolph were having none of it and Dolph asked AJ if she found the fact that John’s ignoring her more dissatisfying and disappointing than actually sleeping with him. With that, Cena came down and AJ held him back only to slap Ziggler herself with Cena throwing in a punch for good measure.

I don’t know where this is leading to but I’ll be glad when it’s over. Backstage AJ and Cena chatted and after Cena made a “it’s never gonna happen” comment, AJ made him revise it. Could there be a Cena/AJ romance on the cards?

The next match was William Regal v The Big Show. Regal was looking for revenge after Big Show stormed into a pub and beat down he and Sheamus. FYI, that place looked nothing like a pub. Big Show really took it to Regal and it was a real nothing-held-back fight. Whilst I miss Regal on my TV, I don’t want to see the old guy get hurt and, by the looks on his chest after the match, I think that’s a likely outcome if Regal had a more full-time role. Big Show got the win and went to cause more damage with a WMD but, luckily, Sheamus saved the day.

Kaitlyn vs Layla was our next match with the two buxom beauties going head-to-head for the #1 Contender Position at Survivor Series. I’m not going to rant about the state of the divas division but Kaitlyn and Layla are best friends and they’re fighting. No build up, no emotion and no connection. Kaitlyn picked up the win and she and Eve stared each other down afterwards.

Now, I’m about to get on my soapbox. I love WWE. I am never shocked and, as you can tell from this blog, nothing really bothers me. However, WWE’s decision to air real life footage of Jerry Lawler receiving CPR and defibrillation after suffering a heart attack was despicable. Now, a lot of people have defended it saying that Lawler OK’d it and such but even so, it was not appropriate. I’m not a person who thinks we should bring back Attitude Era and blood so I can’t be accused of being a hypocrite. But a man lay there, in the back of an ambulance, fighting for his life and WWE chose to send a camera man? I find that disrespectful. I like when WWE blurs reality and fiction, I think it keeps people on the edge but this was too much. Now, as an adult, it wasn’t too traumatising. I just felt it was inappropriate. But for a PG show?

Now, what I didn’t have a problem with is what happened next. Jerry Lawler came out and gave a big speech about surviving and it was truly emotional to see everyone on their feet. This then cued CM Punk to come out. What then unfolded was CM Punk and Heyman berating Lawler, saying that Punk caused his heart attack and then Heyman and Punk orchestrated a fake heart attack with Punk throwing up the ‘X’ and such. That didn’t bother me because Punk is a fictional character and it’s not the first time WWE have used Lawler’s personal life as part of the show.

Mick Foley then came to the ring to yell at Punk. The Foley/Punk feud now makes no real sense considering the fact that Punk is out of the Survivor Series gambit but I will be covering that in my Survivor Series Predictions later. Foley got real mad at Punk and said the world doesn’t revolve around him after Punk said everyone else was worthless. It was good stuff.

Backstage, a camera man was filming Brad Maddox’s ass for some YouTube show. I approve.

Then came the clusterfuck segment of the night with what could only be described as a Mid-Card Mash-Up. The next match was an 8… yes, 8, man tag match. It was Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd vs The Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. The match wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great nor was it good enough to be on Raw. Each man was trying to get a decent amount of time but it ended up being too many tags happening too quick. It was like an orgy in the dark. Bodies everywhere, people reaching out not sure who they’re going to touch next. Justin Gabriel picked up the win after a Rey Mysterio assist.

Backstage, The Miz jockeyed for a position in the WWE Raw Active vote for who would fill the remaining Team Foley position. Ziggler argued that Miz was a quitter and wasn’t fit for any team. Foley then challenged Ziggler to offer up two members of his team to face two members of his. Ziggler decided on Team Rhodes Scholars and Foley decided on Kane and the viewer’s choice. He then told Ziggler that “Amy Schumer says hi”. For those who don’t know, Amy Schumer is a fabulous comedian and former girlfriend of Ziggler’s. And, in her defence, she played along on Twitter after being challenged by Vickie Guerrero.

https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/268203921800060928

For those who haven’t heard/seen any of Amy’s comedy, I recommend her album Cutting.

Then we had R Truth v Lord Tensai. I can’t even. Just. No. If you care, Truth won but the real loser here was the WWE Universe, am I right?

Then came the moment we were all waiting for and by “we” I mean, me and my penis. Brad Maddox’s in-ring debut. Maddox faced Ryback in order to win himself a $1 Million contract at WWE. So, would Maddox get to live his dream of being a superstar? Would weeks of discussion, scandal and promo work be the kick star to a fresh and bright career for Maddox? No. The answer is no because WWE sucks and there is no God. Ryback literally destroyed Maddox and bought the rogue ref’s storyline to a close with a thud. I have no idea why WWE chose to not give Maddox a contract, maybe he just wasn’t ready yet but what really was the point in Maddox’s involvement. In bringing back Vince McMahon? This reeks to me of creative going somewhere but it all changing last minute. But hey, who knows, Maddox could still turn up… but more on that in my Survivor Series predictions.

David Otunga v Sheamus was the next offering and Sheamus picked up an easy win. However, Big Show turned up on the titantron to ruin Sheamus’ celebrations. Now, Big Show had Regal and was threatening to punch him. So Sheamus, rather than running backstage, stood and watched. AFTER Show punched Regal, THEN Sheamus ran backstage. What… a bad friend.

A Josh Matthews updated announced that Regal had a concussion and a potential broken jaw.

Then came the Team Foley v Team Ziggler match. Of sorts. Team Rhodes Scholars went up against Kane and his partner… The Miz! But Kane had other problems on his mind as, before coming to the ring, Daniel Bryan expressed his unhappiness of his tag team boo sharing the ring with another man. Kane tried to shake it off but a jealous Bryan decided to follow Miz to the ring.

The tag match was pretty good and Miz played his face role well right off the bat. I don’t love it but I’m making do. After Miz capitalised using Bryan as a human shield, Kane hit the chokeslam for the win.

Then we had John Cena v CM Punk. It was a PPV worthy bout, as always and it’s a shame to see these two giving away this match on Raw but, hey, who am I to complain? Paul Heyman tried to interfere where possible but a cowardly Punk was thwarted by Ryback who sauntered down to the ring which allowed Cena to hit the AA for the win. Afterwards, all 3 men stared at the prize… the WWE Championship.

So, what might happen on Sunday? Look out for my predictions.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Time To Get Survivor Serious

This week’s Raw was coming from my home country of the UK and boy what a show! The Birmingham crowd were on fire, butts were bubblier than ever and I have to say, it’s been one of the strongest UK editions of the show I’ve seen in a while. But what went down? Read on, my loves!

Raw opened up with an angry Miz telling Paul Heyman that CM Punk is a coward. Heyman told Miz that he needed to get onboard along with the rest of the team. Miz, however, wasn’t having any of it and abruptly quit Team Punk.

The first match of the night was 6-man tag action with Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara and R Truth teaming up against The Prime Time Players and Antonio Cessaro. Admittedly, it was more of a 4 against 3 match because I’m pretty sure Rey’s stomach counts for a 4^th person. Those black latex shirts aren’t fooling anyone, Rey.

It was a so-so match with your usual fair which resulted in R Truth picking up the win.

Then it was time for Vickie Guerrero to have her say. For those who have been hiding in a hole (I know a few holes I wouldn’t mind hiding in), Vickie is currently the Raw Managing Supervisor which is WWE’s way of trying to get around the fact the GM role never stays filled for long. Vickie believes that AJ Lee and John Cena were having an affair whilst AJ was General Manager. Now, I don’t understand the issue here because both AJ and John are unmarried and they can do what and whoever they want. Vickie, however, had more footage.

Cena came to the ring to see exactly what the incriminating evidence was and this time it was juicier. It involved towels and sneaking around. It was like the entire segment was produced by Jerry Sandusky. Cena, however, maintained his plea of innocence saying that all the evidence was circumstantial. Vickie disagreed and wanted to hear AJ’s side of the story. AJ, however, wasn’t willing to come to the ring as she’d want to punch Vickie in the face and well, if she does that then she’s fired and said she wouldn’t be able to do what she loves to do. Dolph Ziggler then turned up and told AJ we all know what she loves to do. Ziggler is so Mean Girls. I love it. With that Cena darted out the ring and Vickie screeched with joy.

Backstage, Paul Heyman tried to convince Wade Barrett to join Team Punk at Survivor Series. Whilst initially hesitant, Barrett eventually agreed.

The next match was Daniel Bryan v Cody Rhodes. The match was actually pretty good but a distraction from Kane and Damien Sandow allowed Cody to pick up the win. Afterwards, Cody took to the mic to lisp his way through some gloating. He also said that his partner Damien Sandow could easily beat Kane and with that we had an impromptu Kane v Damien Sandow match!

Kane and Sandow really went at it but Bryan and Rhodes were proving to be distracting. After Cody ran into the ring to avoid a Daniel Bryan beatdown, the referee expelled both of them from ringside. This allowed Kane to hit Sandow with a chokeslam for the win.

It was then time for Brad Maddox to explain himself. I strongly believed he should’ve come out butt naked and shook that cute little tush and all would be forgiven. Alas, it wasn’t to be but Maddox’s ample glutes were well displayed in the trousers he was wearing. Anyway, back to the action as Maddox explained his reasons for interfering in the Punk v Ryback WWE Championship Match. Maddox said that he’d be in FCW for a long time and was told that he wouldn’t make it. He believes it’s because he’s not tall or fast enough. That he doesn’t fit in. It was your usual fodder but the guy looked totally cute the entire time so, take a look.

After the speech, Mr McMahon came out and offered Maddox a contract if he’s able to beat Ryback on next week’s Raw.

Once Maddox had left the ring, Mr McMahon bought out Vickie Guerrero. He said that it seemed odd to not have Punk defend his title at Survivor Series. After trying to get Dolph the gig, Vickie eventually gave in and announced Ryback as the opponent. But Mr McMahon didn’t want it to end there, he said it should be a triple threat match but who should the opponent be? Ah yes, John Cena. Vickie reluctantly agreed and the match was made. And that’s how WWE works folks. Other people make decisions and then Vince steps in and forces them to change their mind.

Sheamus took on The Miz in the next match and I was pleasantly surprised. First of all, The Big Show was on commentary and I have to say he was a delight. His anger at Michael Cole was brilliant. And the match? It was great! The Miz and Sheamus really pulled out the stops and it was a genuine nail biter. Also, Miz wore blue. Bitch looks good in blue.

Backstage, Dolph Ziggler was pacing outside Mr McMahon’s office. Vickie exited and had great news, now that Punk was no longer team captain, Dolph will take the helm. So it’ll now be Team Foley v Team Ziggler. CM Punk, however, was not best pleased and expressed his displeasure to Vickie. She then announced that Ziggler and Punk would team up to face Ryback and Cena!

Then it looked like we were getting a promo for a new diva as Sex & The City-esque music played and bright colours flashed. Turns out it’s for a new Superstar by the name of Fandangoo. Rumour has it Fandangoo will be Johnny Curtis’ new gimmick. However, it seems like WWE had a few spelling issues because on Smackdown, they dropped one of the ‘O’s. Homo they didn’t.

Now, usually when WWE does UK shows there’s some sort of UK segment. Someone drinking tea or someone dressed as The Queen. But no. None of that. The most British thing was Sheamus and William Regal backstage deciding to go for a pint. Tip of me ‘at for that guv’nor.

Diva action was up next as Layla and Kaitlyn teamed up against Eve and Aksana. I have to say that these women (let’s be honest, minus Aksana) are very good in the ring. Eve’s clearly sprucing up her moves and Layla’s new high-risk move set works like a dream. It even helped she and Kaitlyn pick up the win.

Backstage once more where Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez discussed the fact that ADR wasn’t team captain. Then he bumped into Rosa Mendes. The two seemed to have chemistry so watch out for a storyline there.

ADR’s opponent for the night would be Kofi Kingston. Kingston was seemingly set to lose as ADR put on a beat down. However, Randy Orton’s music hit and caused a distraction which allowed Kofi to roll ADR up for the win. After the match, ADR ran into an RKO by Orton. Orton’s face, however, seems to have been ran into by too much botox. His face is so puffed up. Maybe he had an allergic reaction to some fake tan. Or y’know. Pills again.

More tag action in the next match which was Primo and Epico Fail vs Zack Ryder and Santino. Not worth discussing really. Ryder and Santino won.

Wade Barrett then had a match against Brodus Clay. A weird pairing but they had to give Barrett a match since he was on home turf. The crowd were freakin’ electric as they watched Barrett pick up the inevitable win.

3 man band member Heath Slater then went up against one of the Usos. I can’t even. This three hour thing is really starting to not work out, you guys.

Then it was main event time and boy was it a doozy. Dolph and Punk really lay into Cena for the duration of the match and Dolph hitting elbow drop after elbow drop was particularly brutal. Ryback, meanwhile, was foaming at the mouth to be let into the match up. He soon got his way and cleared house and picked up the win.

Afterwards, he and Cena stared each other down.

I’m still not buying into Ryback as a character with longevity but good luck to the guy.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Refereeasy On The Eyes

This week’s Raw certainly raised a few questions about what direction WWE is going in and I can’t say I hate it. But what exactly happened this week? Read on, Mon Cherie.

Raw opened this week with CM Punk and blowhard Paul Heyman who acted as Punk’s mouthpiece yet again. Heyman explained that he and Punk were holding Raw hostage, due to the injustice of the previous week when CM Punk lost against John Cena despite having his foot on the rope. To smooth this injustice, Heyman called out Referee Brad Maddox to the ring to apologies and resign.

Maddox agreed and came to the ring. Side note, how hot is Maddox? He’s actually a wrestler whose real name is Brent Wellington and he was previously part of FCW (or NXT as it’s now known). Anyways, he’s got a banging ass which looks even better in tights.

Courtesy of Just Us Boys Forum

Moving on, Maddox did apologise saying he genuinely didn’t see what happened but he refused to resign. He then explained that he was actually called upon last minute by AJ Lee, the GM, as a replacement. For those who aren’t in the know, the NFL (American Football) recently had a referee crisis in which their referees went on strike. In response, NFL drafted in some “replacement referees” who weren’t so good thus creating lots of controversy and WWE decided to use it for leverage.

So, Punk then used to opportunity to berate the GM causing her to come out and defend herself. Maddox left the ring and AJ faced Heyman and Punk. Punk then decided he’d mock AJ and her previous breakdown in which she proposed to him because nobody had ever really been nice to her. This resulted in Paul Heyman proposing to AJ, promising they’d become a power couple akin to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. AJ decided to slap him instead.

Backstage, Sexy Ref apologised to AJ for what happened. She got all weird and said she’d fire him if it ever happened again. Bitch per-lease.

The first match of the night was Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston. Ziggler was accompanied by Vickie as always and Kofi was accompanied by tag team partner R Truth and his imaginary friend Little Jimmy. Vickie decided to mock Little Jimmy whilst he was sat down, enraging Truth who confronted her. In all fairness, Jimmy was just having a nice drink and some popcorn. Anyways, things got heated, R Truth threw water at Vickie and both were ejected from ringside.

The match got underway and I have to say it was brilliant. JR was right; it turned very quickly into a main event match up with lots of finish fake outs and just generally cool moves. Ultimately, it was Dolph who would pick up the win over Kofi.

It was then announced that John Cena has had surgery on his elbow and would discuss his future.

We then had another Daniel Bryan/Kane/Doctor Shelby Anger Management session. These have been a real highlight and I implore you to check it out.

Match two was the Prime Time Players v Zack Ryder and Santino Morella. WWE really does seem to be giving more light to Tag Teams but I am nervous about the number of tag team matches on WWE programming over singles. I understand it’s a way of displaying as much talent as possible but it can get a little predictable. Anyways, it was a good match and the Prime Time Players are getting better with each bout. They picked up the win.

Then out came Mick Foley. Honestly, I don’t want to recap it. His speech to Punk about being a legend and not a statistic was awesome.

WATCH!

Then it was The Miz v Ryback. Here’s where I eat humble pie. I argued that Ryback wouldn’t last very long and that he sucks. I stand by the sucks comment but it’s obvious the crowd love him for some reason. Maybe it’s to do with his resemblance to loveable funnyman Will Sasso. Who knows. And, actually, his match against The Miz wasn’t terrible. The Miz got a few shots in. The show, however, was stolen by a crazed fan who ran into the ring and was immediately tackled. I thought it was just some schtick but clearly it wasn’t. Maybe it was one of the jobbers Ryback destroyed? Both men were extremely professional and carried on, with Ryback picking up the win.

Then we had more anger management.

Backstage, in AJ’s office, she wanted to make it clear to all referees including Sexy Ref that it should be business as normal and they should go out there and do what they do best. After the referees left and I stopped thinking about what I’d like to do to Maddox, Alberto Del Rio came in flunked by David Otunga and Ricardo Rodriguez. The men weren’t happy and AJ knew saying they deserved some sort of vengeance and would all team up against Sheamus, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara.

Then the Wade Barrett onslaught continued with a fantastic win over Tyson Kidd.

Michael Cole then took to the ring to interview Jerry Lawler. WWE handled the episode of Raw where Jerry had the heart attack really well but, once they realised Lawler was alive and kicking, they’re milking that cash cow until it’s dry. I think trying to profit from a heart attack is terrible but it’s not surprising. Not only did they trail Lawler’s interview like it was the rising of Christ but now they’re selling a Long Live The King t-shirt. Mamma mia. Jerry does look good though. Keep well, King.

Then it was time for 6 man tag action. Botchamania favourites Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up with Sheamus to face ADR, Otunga and Ricardo. The match was what you’d expect but it got the point across and didn’t make me want to rip my own eyeballs out too much. Sin Cara picked up the win with a Sheamus assist and then Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Otunga. And balance is restored.

Then we got another instalment off Diner Anger Management.

After that, it was time for Daniel Bryan and Kane to come out and discover what their tag team name would be. The suggestions were generally horrible and they were all prefixed by the word “team” which is clearly WWE’s way of jumping onto the Twilight Team Edward/Jacob/Bella nonsense. Anyways, the Universe plumbed for Team Hell No but, before they could celebrate, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow jumped in to attack them.

Cody then took to the mic and announced they would be known as Team Rhodes Scholars. It seems a little mean to give a guy with a lisp that many s’s but he managed. I guess this “team” thing is going to stick. Might cause confusion come Survivor Series.

After that  got some Divas Tag Action with Layla and Alicia Fox facing Beth Phoenix and Eve. It was actually a good match and you can’t fault Eve’s wrestling. I am surprised that she can fall on her face without those teeth getting stuck in the mat though.

After Eve stole a win from Beth, Kaitlyn came out and said she remembers that the person who attacked her at Night Of Champions was blonde. Eve immediately pinned it on Beth and took her out. But who could it be (note: definitely not Kelly Kelly… bye, bitch, btw)? Either way, it’s nice to see the Divas getting a real storyline. Nothing like a good whodunit.

Funkasaurus Brodus Clay went against Lord Tensai next. It was a boring match until Big Show came out and knocked both men out. I don’t know if it was even for anything other than to break up what was a very dull bout.

Then it was time for Cena to face the public. He came out and did his usual schtick of saying he’s had a shit week, that he’s not sure if he can go on. Then he, as always, contradicted himself, and said that he’d make sure he was ready to face Punk at Hell In A Cell. I’m actually excited for that match and I love Cena but I think the guy should take a break. He’s just had surgery. I fear he’ll end up doing himself way too much damage.

Punk then came out and berated him and told Cena to get out of his ring. Punk and Heyman gave him to the count of three but, as Punk turned, Cena grabbed a steel pipe from his shorts (giggle) and beat on Punk with it.

Backstage, Punk sloped back still in pain from the attack. There, he noticed Mick Foley and decided to beat him up. Punk walked away but attempted to go back but he was stopped in his tracks by a terrifying sight… Ryback. Hahaha, I know right? Anyways, Punk walked away.

So what does this mean? Well, WWE are focussing more on Tag Teams and Divas. The Superheavyweights are probably going to have a superheavyweight feud and Ryback is probably going to be pushed to the main event. I mostly don’t hate it. Mostly.

Until next time,

XO-WB

Cena’s NOC The Champ

Hey ya’ll!

So, Night Of Champions  was actually pretty interesting. I can’t say I hated it. But, what exactly went down and how did I do with my predictions? Read on.

The show opened up with the announcement that JBL will be the guest commentator for the night, replacing Jerry Lawler who is recovering from a heart attack. It was nice to see JBL, I like the guy.

The first match was the Fatal Fourway for the Intercontinental Championship. It was actually a good match, in the end. That’s right, in the end. You see, you come to expect that when Sin Cara wrestles there’s going to be a few fuck-ups but now Rey Mysterio has joined that exclusive club. Put both Sin Cara and Rey in a ring together? Botchamania heaven.

However, I can’t deny that Sin Cara actually helped play part in a fantastic finish. It was hard to make that whole thing look interesting and it’s hard to keep people captivated in a match with so many men. In all fairness, the camera operator tried with several up-close shots of Cody’s ass (thank you) but the finish was great. Sin Cara blinded Miz using a mask, Cody went to hit the finish but Miz bumped into him and out of instinct, hit his finisher for the win.

Winner: The Miz
My Prediction: Cody Rhodes
Score: 0 – 1

Backstage, the Prime Time Players were telling Eve how vital it was that they were seen on TV. Before Eve could, no doubt, laugh in their faces, she was interrupted with an emergency. Eve ran over to the scene to discover a hurt Kaitlyn grabbing her ankle. Apparently, someone with their face covered attacked her. I began to wonder if it was The Miz but I doubt that. Either way, it was clear that Kaitlyn wouldn’t be wrestling. But who would…?

Then it was Tag Team Title Time as Kofi Kingston and R Truth faced the Anger Management Duo of Kane and Daniel Bryan. I was looking forward to this match and I wasn’t disappointed. Bryan and Kane played the whole thing perfectly and having them team up was certainly a stroke of genius. No doubt they’re going to have their inevitable break-up and feud but I really hope this little team sticks around for a while.

Kane and Bryan got into a bit of a war which resulted in an angry Bryan shoving Kane off the turnbuckle, only for him to land on Kofi for the win. The two men then angrily started arguing about which one of them was most deserving, with both declaring “I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS”. Yeah, I’ll have that t-shirt in an XL please.

Winners: Daniel Bryan & Kane
My Prediction: Daniel Bryan & Kane
Score: 1-1

Backstage, Eve updated Booker T on the Kaitlyn situation. Teddy reminded Booker that there needs to be a championship match as it was Night Of Champions. Then I got confused because Eve was either doing her usual terrible acting or she was playing her part great. “Oh… I didn’t realise that… but no other diva has earned a shot at the title” she sighed. Only for Booker T to give it to Eve leaving Teddy Long to give us his something-ain’t-right-playa face.

The next match was for the US Title and I predicted this all wrong. So, in terms of the Battle Royal:

Winner: Zack Ryder
My Prediction: Ryback
Score: 1-2

I didn’t realise either that there would be a match after. Ryder managed to pick up the Battle Royal win and went head to head against Cessaro who seemed to have some sort of vendetta against Ryder’s tights. Hey, I’m not complaining. With one asscheek exposed, Ryder did his best but the evil temptress Aksana interfered and cost Ryder the win.

Winner: Antonio Cessaro
My Prediction: N/A
Score: Still 1-2 as I’m not counting it. Shut up.

Backstage, an annoyed Otunga and Alberto Del Rio yell at Ricardo Rodriguez. But why? Because Ricardo took off his neck brace! THEY’VE BEEN FAKING IT ALL ALONG! WHO COULD’VE GUESSED?! Oh… everyone. Right. OK.

Dolph Ziggler v Randy Orton was next. It was a match I was looking forward to because Randy Orton has a history of making his matches with Dolph extremely homo-erotic and this one didn’t disappoint. There was a moment when Randy just kept grabbing at Dolph. It was bliss. Anyways, it was a really good match and that’s not something I like saying when it comes to Randy Orton. The two did seem evenly match and it’s clear to see these guys have in-ring chemistry.

Can I also say how awesome was JBL’s feminist rant about Vickie Guerrero?! It came out of nowhere but it’s just another reason JBL is awesome.

I’d actually go ahead and say that Orton/Ziggler matches are just as good as Orton/Cena matches. I actually wouldn’t mind these two going at it again. Either way, Ziggler tried but it wasn’t to be as Orton hit an awesome RKO in mid-air.

Winner: Randy Orton
My Prediction: Randy Orton
Score: 2-2

Eve went against Layla for the Divas Championship in our next match. It was a pretty good match and I can see why Eve was destined for the shot over Kaitlyn. It looked like Eve was going to get an easy cover but she hit her finisher for the win instead.

I actually think Eve being evil is a red herring. I think that we’ll discover Layla is the secret attacker.

Winner: Eve
My Prediction: Layla
Score: 2-3

In the parking lot, Kane and Bryan angrily yell at each other about who is the tag team champions. Doctor Shelby looks set to explode but is interrupted by AJ instead who goes crazy. She says she went to great expense to see them make a breakthrough but they aren’t happy for each other. Doctor Shelby gets Daniel Bryan to congratulate Kane but Kane disappears instead. Bryan goes on a rant only to be interrupted by Kane who throws ice water over the three of them and makes the most awesome declaration ever… and well, it’s been remixed.

Del Rio v Sheamus was up next and well, the thing we could all have predicted (yet, I never) happened. Booker T came out to announce that the Brogue kick would be reinstated. Sheamus then went to kick ADR but hit Otunga instead.

The match wasn’t actually too bad and Del Rio managed to pull out a few cool tricks. Ultimately, it wasn’t to be for Del Rio and Sheamus hit his brogue kick for the win.

Winner: Sheamus
My Prediction: Del Rio/Dolph Ziggler
Score: 2-4

The main event was CM Punk v John Cena. Before the match got underway, Paul Heyman wanted to say a few things. He said that he was simply there to view history because CM Punk would be in his 302^nd day as WWE Champion. He said the entire thing was about respect. I’m starting to worry that respect is becoming the new “destiny”. I’m bored already.

The match eventually got underway and it was a doozy. I really did enjoy it and these two certainly know how to please a crowd. But, it looked like Cena had picked up the win with a fantastic German Suplex from the turnbuckle. However, after celebrating with soldiers and enjoying the cheers of his home crowd, the referee announced that both men’s shoulders were down. Both men lost so CM Punk retained.

Winner: CM Punk
My Prediction: CM Punk
Score: 3-4

Overall, I didn’t do too badly. I’m usually way, way, way off the mark. This time I was just way, way off the mark.

Until next time,

XO-WB

Dolph’s Pink Star

As is a fine tradition here at Wrestlebitch, all my recaps come with a gallery.

Enjoy, pervs.

XO-WB

Brock The Fuck Is Going On?

Hello all! I’m baaaack. A week later than planned. Sadly that means I’m glossing over Summerslam but that’s OK. Because Raw is like an epic PPV every week now!

So, Raw has officially gone to 3 hours and I’ve been wracking my brains to think of how I’m going to recap them. Then it hit me; work harder. I can’t let these precious recaps slide just because of an extra hour, right?  But what exactly went down this week?

The show opened with resident block head, Brock Lesnar and his human voice box Paul Heyman. They were coming fresh off a big victory against Triple H at Summerslam and Paul had a few things to say. Basically, they’re trying to push this as the end of Triple H’s career. It’s hard to believe they wouldn’t have made a bit more fuss about one of the greatest superstars of all time retiring from in-ring action but, whatevs, I’ll bite.

Paul said that Triple H wanted and fight and it was a fight he got and that Brock made him quit. Paul then discussed how Triple H used to battle through severe injuries to finish a match but now he tapped out to Brock. Actually, it was a very good promo and it was an interesting angle. It’s just a shame Brock Lesnar is involved. He’s literally the most boring man in WWE ever. And I’m including John Laurinaitis.

Then they decided to bring referee Scott Armstrong out who came out looking like a dog who just took a dump on the carpet. Brock bounced around because that’s all he knows how to do and then patted Scott on the shoulder to thank him for a good job. It is very nice that referees are getting recognition and all but I was a little worried. It hasn’t been a great week for people named Armstrong. With that, Paul declared Brock the new King Of Kings and left the ring.

We then saw a Tout where Punk declared he wanted to pick his own opponent (yes, I’ve had to upload a Tout to Youtube because there’s no support for embedding into WordPress just yet).

On a sidenote, I actually like Tout. It’s interesting. If you want to Tout me some of your thoughts then do so here and I might just use them!

Our first match was 6-man action and it was Kofi Kingston & R Truth & Sin Cara vs Prime Time Players & Cody Rhodes. The Prime Time Players are actually a really good tag team and it was a shame they were held back by the AW bullshit. I called it a while ago that AW would eventually get sacked but the circumstances in which he did were hilarious. In all fairness to AW, it was a really good joke. But that’s the thing about rape jokes… you can’t force them on people.

The match was actually not too bad but it did seem like there were many parts that were confused and things got a little clunky. Cody Rhodes once again became obsessed with Sin Cara’s mask. I’m a little concerned they’re going into the “you’re ugly, I’m beautiful” schtick with Cody again as the whole Dashing Cody Rhodes thing, as fun as the homoerotic vignettes were, was a stepping stone. Cody is much better than that now. Cody’s obsession with de-masking Sin Cara ended up in him losing after Sin Cara rolled him up for the win.

Backstage, Raw GM AJ Lee was chatting to Matt Striker. I’m loving AJ as a GM. Interesting choice indeed. Before AJ could carry on talking, David Otunga appeared. Otunga has been away filming a movie with Halle Berry. A lot of WWE Superstars are off doing movies these days. Good on them. Anyways, Otunga offered to be AJ’s legal counsel and promised to stop people calling her crazy. AJ didn’t like the fact Otunga used the word in front of her and put him in a match with an opponent of her choosing. I hope AJ never runs into Carly Rae Jepsen.

She continued saying that Punk can choose his opponent, subject to her approval.

It was then announced that Khloe Kardashian-Odom is the Social Media Ambassador for the night. It’s great they’re getting popular names but, seriously, these people have never watched WWE in their life! It’d make more sense if they got Kim Kardashian as she’s actually been slammed on camera.

Then it was Ryback vs two jobbers. This whole thing is getting boring so what did they do to spice things up? They had Jinder Mahal run in. I mean, a Ryback/Mahal feud is like having cancer face AIDs. Nobody wins.

Backstage once more to where Dolph Ziggler entered Chris Jericho’s dressing room demanding a rematch. The two went back and forth but AJ broke things up by skipping in and making a declaration. The two WOULD have a rematch but it’d be Ziggler’s Money In The Bank contract vs Y2J’s WWE contract!

Del Rio then made his way to the ring where he spoke about how he deserved another match against Sheamus after the Summerslam one ended in a bit of controversy. AJ came out and declared she wouldn’t interfere in the World Heavyweight Championship set-up as that’s Booker T’s job but she could put Del Rio in a match. And she did, against Randy Orton.

The match wasn’t that bad and a cheeky Sheamus was on commentary. I love Sheamus in full cheeky Irishman mode. It seemed that Randy Orton was going to get caught out by Ricardo but Sheamus stepped in to ensure that didn’t happen. A distracted Randy Orton nearly lost the match but Sheamus pointed out that Randy had his foot on the rope. ADR went mental at Sheamus only to turn around into an RKO to allow Randy Orton to pick up the win.

See, Randy? You can do great things when you’re not on drugs.

Brodus Clay vs Damien Sandow was our next offering and can I just point out a bit of a plothole? Damien Sandow discusses how he’s saving us from social media and populist culture yet he’s got Twitter, YouTube and Tout. Makes no sense.

Anyways, it was a good match which was eventually won by Sandow who grabbed the tights for the win. Brodus, however, wasn’t happy about this and attacked Sandow viciously. It’s a bit bizarre that we all cheered Brodus being a sore loser but the minute he bought those kids in to dance I got over it. SO CUTE!

Then it was Shawn Michaels’ emotional chat via satellite. I won’t talk about it much as you should probably watch it. The gist of it being… Triple H has to realise that his time is over. He’s no longer the competitor he was. He lost. It was all very sad but I didn’t want to wipe away my tears as I prefer using my Kleenex for Dolph Ziggler matches.

David Otunga then came to the ring to face his mystery opponent. That opponent? The Big Show! I must admit, I was a bit down on The Big Show but his fierce persona has been fantastic. He tore Otunga apart completely and it was great. But then we were shown something. A backstage video after Summerslam which I implore you to watch. This is the best I’ve ever seen Big Show. It seemed real, raw, passionate… it was fantastic. More of this, please!

Up next was the anger management match where former enemies must team up. It was Kane and Zack Ryder up against Daniel Bryan and The Miz. I’m loving Daniel Bryan at the minute and the NO! NO! NO! thing is great. The Miz has also returned strong although he’s not as sexy anymore. I miss his old look.

The match itself was fantastic and the Bryan/Miz dynamic was spot-on. Eventually, it boiled down to Bryan and Kane. Bryan slapped Kane and then ran away and The Miz quickly ran too. This left a vulnerable Zack Ryder, along with a timekeeper, to take the hits. It all ended with Ryder being driven into the mat with a tombstone. Woo woo ooh.

Backstage yet again where CM Punk said that he opponent at Night Of Champions would be John Cena but on one condition. That condition? Well, you’ll have to wait.

A Divas Battle Royal was next and what a waste of time it was. It was slow, awkward and pointless. Like the first time I had sex. And the 2^nd. 3^rd. 4^th… shut up. Kaitlyn picked up the win for a title shot we’ll probably never get to see anyway.

Some good news then came. Brock Lesnar announced he was leaving WWE! You heard right. It came out of nowhere and it was announced on TOUT! I know, right? I don’t doubt he’ll be back but it’ll be nice to know WWE will be a Brock-free zone for a while.

Then we had a Wade Barrett vignette. I love it. The whole bare knuckle fighting thing… it’s just great. I’ve never been a huge Wade fan but it’ll be great to see him back. That may be slight British Bias though.

Backstage to Dolph Ziggler’s dressing room (oof… can you imagine? Mmm) where Vickie Guerrero was freaking out. She said they cannot lose and he must win it for her. Dolph said if he was winning it for anyone, it was for himself.

Then we had Ziggler v Y2J and boy… what a match. Y2J lost and I think that was a forgone conclusion. Obviously, he’ll be back. He’s the herpes of WWE… you can never get rid of him. I won’t go too into the match because I think you should watch it. Enjoy!

After the match, Y2J attacked Dolph and left the WWE… for now.

Then it was the main event… well, not match wise but you know what I mean. CM Punk came to the ring. First of all, he wanted a chat with Jerry Lawler. Punk was still unhappy with Lawler’s declaration that Punk had turned his back on the WWE Universe. Lawler explained that’s how he felt at the time but Punk wanted to press the issue. He was stopped in his tracks, however, by Cena.

Punk laughed that Cena couldn’t help himself and then decided to lay down the gauntlet. If Cena wants a WWE title shot then he must say Punk is the best in the world. Cena refused, saying that Punk had to prove he was and that he would wait for a title shot if he needed and then left the ring.

An annoyed Punk then ushered Lawler into the ring and demanded Jerry apologise and announce he’s the best in the world. Lawler refused and then went to leave the ring, only to be kicked in the head by Punk!

So Punk has taken a heel turn. The respect angle is an interesting one and I have to say I’m sort of loving it. There’s been lots of talk about whether or not we want to see Lawler and Punk wrestle and I’m in the “not” camp. Yes, Jerry’s in great shape and can still work in the ring but his style is slower… it’s boring.

But what do you think about this and Raw in general? Hit me up on Twitter, Tout or in the comments section. Like this post? Share it and tell your friends.

Until next time,

XO-WB

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