Survivor Series Goes Aw-Ry

Survivor Series was an interesting PPV with many twists and turns but what exactly went down? Well I’m glad you asked because I’ve only gone and done a bloody recap, so I have.

The show began with a bogus bonus elimination match. It was to be what I have dubbed Team Cara: Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd & Brodus Clay vs Team Albert: Lord Tensai, Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. It was actually not a terrible match considering it was rather shoe-horned in and it’s nice to see that they’ve decided to build Tyson and Justin a little further. It did raise some worried over Brodus’ future as he was the only member of Team Cara to be eliminated.

I’m also worried about the Prime Time Player’s eyesight as their tights get uglier and brighter each week. It was a seemingly easy win for Team Cara.

Winner:  Team Cara
My Prediction: No prediction due to shoe-in match
Score: 0-0

Backstage we saw Kaitlyn heading to ring until someone in a bad Goldust wig attacked her from behind. Kaitlyn gained the upperhand this time and unveiled the culprit as Aksana. UM… didn’t we already know Aksana was the culprit? Anyways, Eve turned up and said she’d “hate if anything happened to Kaitlyn before the match” to which Kaitlyn pushed Eve over and said the same thing. OMG. RUDE. Eve was trying to be nice.

Then came the actual match itself and I have to say, it was also pretty good. It’s a shame WWE crowds are general douchenozzles and the commentary team didn’t help much either but both women pulled off a good match.  The beginning of the end for Kaitlyn began when Eve literally pulled the rug from underneath her. After hitting a neckbreaker, Eve picked up the win and also grabbed herself a little something extra.

Winner: Eve
My Prediction: Eve
Score: 1-0

Backstage once more but this time it was to the Team Foley locker room. All men were basically bickering as WWE tried to get across the “THEY HATE EACH OTHER, LIKE, LOTS” dynamic of the group. Mick tried to intervene and get the guys onside requesting they finger bang each other. However, Orton simply grunted and told Mick he hated him.

The next match was Antonio Cessaro v R Truth. I opted for Team Toilet Break and ignored most of this match. Two very dull men in what was no doubt a very dull match. Cessaro retained.

Winner: Antonio Cessaro
My Prediction: R Truth
Score: 1-1

Monday Night Raw then trickled into the Survivor Series fun with AJ Lee coming to the ring to make good on an earlier promise to reveal Vickie’s unsavoury antics. I and many others presumed they were going to finally reveal the hypocrisy of Vickie accusing AJ of getting too close to a superstar, *cough* Dolph Ziggler *cough*, but instead AJ went down the photoshop route of putting up fake images of Vickie in compromising positions. AJ missed a few tricks with it but it was kinda funny. Vickie was furious and AJ reminded her Vickie wasn’t allowed to hit her. Then, inexplicably, Tamina came to the ring to beat down AJ. M’kay…

Josh Matthews was then backstage interviewing Paul Heyman and questioned CM Punk’s ability to win the match. Heyman took offense, obvs, and launched into a beautiful diatribe about Punk’s achievements and how he’ll continue to achieve etc etc. It was beautiful but there’s only so much recapping of an interview you can do, y’know?

It was then time for Sheamus and Big Show to go head-to-head. I haven’t been uber keen on this whole feud but the two have had some interesting matches for sure. Sheamus had been all over WWE adverts played throughout the show and I was beginning to see them as some sort of clue. It looked like I was right as Sheamus managed to get the big man down but, as Sheamus went to hit the Brogue Kick, Big Show pulled the ref infront of him. Scott Armstrong went down like a sack of potatoes and other referees clambered to his side. The bell hadn’t yet been rung so when Big Show hit the WMD and pinned it looked like he’d win. A referee did the three count and everything. However, a different referee changed the decision to make it a Big Show DQ. Ooh, bitch please.

Sheamus then decided to put the beat down on Big Show with a steel chair, obviously symbolising that this thing will head into TLC in a chair match no doubt.

Winner: Sheamus via DQ
My Prediction: Big Show
Score: 1-2

Then it was Team Ziggler v Team Foley time. Many had been looking forward to a sexy reveal of Dolph’s new trunks that he’d previously promised on Twitter.

new gear for @wwe #SurvivorSeries sunday, thinking @britneyspears bodysuit from toxic vid meets al czervic

— Nic Nemeth (@NicTNemeth) November 15, 2012

However, it wasn’t to be but Dolph still looked good. Team Ziggler took the first hit after Damien Sandow got caught with a chokeslam when his plot to abandon his team failed. It looked to be going slowly downhill for Team Ziggler but they soon gained the upperhand and eventually it all came down to Randy Orton and Dolph himself. Orton set on a homoerotic beatdown (aren’t they always?) on Ziggler and it looked like he was going for the punt. I immediately began to cry “NOT THE FACE” but Orton’s plot was thwarted by a well-timed superkick. Ziggler pinned Orton for the win.

Winner: Team Ziggler
My Prediction: Team Foley
Score: 1-3

It was main event time as Ryback, Cena and Punk went head-to-head for the WWE Championship. I was nervous about the bought but my nerves melted when I realised how hot Cena looked in his new gear. Anyways, the three men tried their best to make it work with Cena and Punk even teaming up to put Ryback through the announce table.

It looked like the winner of the night would the Spanish Announce Table but, as Ryback got set to pick up the win, three men ran into the ring and beat Ryback and Cena down. They then put Ryback through the Spanish Announce Table.

These three men were the much-talked-about Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns. The Internet fanbase has gone crazy and I’m no doubt going to be seen as a moron for not knowing or caring who they are. I’m going to give this whole thing chance but this just seems to me to be like a new Nexus. I also reckon Brad Maddox will be part of it. Either way, the distraction allowed Punk to pin Cena to retain.

Winner: CM Punk
My Prediction: John Cena
Score: 1-4

Yet again my predictions failed but, oh well! It was an interesting PPV which opened the door for a few fun stories.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Ryback To The Future

This week’s Raw was another interesting one as we head into Survivor Series. But with Brad Maddox’s potential contract on the line, would he be able to secure the $1 million deal? And what further evidence could Vickie have on AJ Lee and John Cena? Read on…

So Raw started as it did last week with a strange Dateline NBC-style voice over. This voice over acts a preview for the show coming up and well, it’s not needed. It just sounds dumb.

Anyways, first up was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler. This is a match I always look forward to because Randy has a habit for really grabbing on guys trunks and it’s super hot. The match wasn’t too bad and ended in a Dolph Ziggler win after Alberto Del Rio, flanked by Ricardo Rodriguez, distracted Orton. After the match, Ziggler, Del Rio and Rodriguez all descended on Orton and beat him down. Orton was then saved by Kofi Kingston.

Never missing the opportunity to make a tag match, Teddy Long came out in his Keenan Thompson “what’s up with that” suit and made a tag match. Ziggler and Del Rio v Orton and Kingston. It was a good tag match which ended in Del Rio picking up the win after a sick kick to Kingston after Rodriguez interrupted.

Afterwards, Dolph stuck around. Now glistening with sweat and baby oil like Edward Cullen in the light, Dolph was with Vickie Guerrero. Vickie is still chomping at the bit about the whole AJ/Cena affair and it’s all getting tiresome. I love Cena. I love AJ. I love Dolph and I love Vickie. You’d think I love this. I just don’t. Especially because it’s steeped in the irony of Vickie’s inappropriate cougar/cub relationship with Dolph.

A furious AJ came to the ring and said things needed to stop and that Vickie was throwing her “considerable weight” around. A fat joke? Really? Anyways, Vickie was furious and then played some voicemail messages where AJ pretty much confesses her feelings for John. When did Vickie start working for News International? AJ said that they were false but Vickie and Dolph were having none of it and Dolph asked AJ if she found the fact that John’s ignoring her more dissatisfying and disappointing than actually sleeping with him. With that, Cena came down and AJ held him back only to slap Ziggler herself with Cena throwing in a punch for good measure.

I don’t know where this is leading to but I’ll be glad when it’s over. Backstage AJ and Cena chatted and after Cena made a “it’s never gonna happen” comment, AJ made him revise it. Could there be a Cena/AJ romance on the cards?

The next match was William Regal v The Big Show. Regal was looking for revenge after Big Show stormed into a pub and beat down he and Sheamus. FYI, that place looked nothing like a pub. Big Show really took it to Regal and it was a real nothing-held-back fight. Whilst I miss Regal on my TV, I don’t want to see the old guy get hurt and, by the looks on his chest after the match, I think that’s a likely outcome if Regal had a more full-time role. Big Show got the win and went to cause more damage with a WMD but, luckily, Sheamus saved the day.

Kaitlyn vs Layla was our next match with the two buxom beauties going head-to-head for the #1 Contender Position at Survivor Series. I’m not going to rant about the state of the divas division but Kaitlyn and Layla are best friends and they’re fighting. No build up, no emotion and no connection. Kaitlyn picked up the win and she and Eve stared each other down afterwards.

Now, I’m about to get on my soapbox. I love WWE. I am never shocked and, as you can tell from this blog, nothing really bothers me. However, WWE’s decision to air real life footage of Jerry Lawler receiving CPR and defibrillation after suffering a heart attack was despicable. Now, a lot of people have defended it saying that Lawler OK’d it and such but even so, it was not appropriate. I’m not a person who thinks we should bring back Attitude Era and blood so I can’t be accused of being a hypocrite. But a man lay there, in the back of an ambulance, fighting for his life and WWE chose to send a camera man? I find that disrespectful. I like when WWE blurs reality and fiction, I think it keeps people on the edge but this was too much. Now, as an adult, it wasn’t too traumatising. I just felt it was inappropriate. But for a PG show?

Now, what I didn’t have a problem with is what happened next. Jerry Lawler came out and gave a big speech about surviving and it was truly emotional to see everyone on their feet. This then cued CM Punk to come out. What then unfolded was CM Punk and Heyman berating Lawler, saying that Punk caused his heart attack and then Heyman and Punk orchestrated a fake heart attack with Punk throwing up the ‘X’ and such. That didn’t bother me because Punk is a fictional character and it’s not the first time WWE have used Lawler’s personal life as part of the show.

Mick Foley then came to the ring to yell at Punk. The Foley/Punk feud now makes no real sense considering the fact that Punk is out of the Survivor Series gambit but I will be covering that in my Survivor Series Predictions later. Foley got real mad at Punk and said the world doesn’t revolve around him after Punk said everyone else was worthless. It was good stuff.

Backstage, a camera man was filming Brad Maddox’s ass for some YouTube show. I approve.

Then came the clusterfuck segment of the night with what could only be described as a Mid-Card Mash-Up. The next match was an 8… yes, 8, man tag match. It was Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd vs The Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. The match wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great nor was it good enough to be on Raw. Each man was trying to get a decent amount of time but it ended up being too many tags happening too quick. It was like an orgy in the dark. Bodies everywhere, people reaching out not sure who they’re going to touch next. Justin Gabriel picked up the win after a Rey Mysterio assist.

Backstage, The Miz jockeyed for a position in the WWE Raw Active vote for who would fill the remaining Team Foley position. Ziggler argued that Miz was a quitter and wasn’t fit for any team. Foley then challenged Ziggler to offer up two members of his team to face two members of his. Ziggler decided on Team Rhodes Scholars and Foley decided on Kane and the viewer’s choice. He then told Ziggler that “Amy Schumer says hi”. For those who don’t know, Amy Schumer is a fabulous comedian and former girlfriend of Ziggler’s. And, in her defence, she played along on Twitter after being challenged by Vickie Guerrero.

https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/268203921800060928

For those who haven’t heard/seen any of Amy’s comedy, I recommend her album Cutting.

Then we had R Truth v Lord Tensai. I can’t even. Just. No. If you care, Truth won but the real loser here was the WWE Universe, am I right?

Then came the moment we were all waiting for and by “we” I mean, me and my penis. Brad Maddox’s in-ring debut. Maddox faced Ryback in order to win himself a $1 Million contract at WWE. So, would Maddox get to live his dream of being a superstar? Would weeks of discussion, scandal and promo work be the kick star to a fresh and bright career for Maddox? No. The answer is no because WWE sucks and there is no God. Ryback literally destroyed Maddox and bought the rogue ref’s storyline to a close with a thud. I have no idea why WWE chose to not give Maddox a contract, maybe he just wasn’t ready yet but what really was the point in Maddox’s involvement. In bringing back Vince McMahon? This reeks to me of creative going somewhere but it all changing last minute. But hey, who knows, Maddox could still turn up… but more on that in my Survivor Series predictions.

David Otunga v Sheamus was the next offering and Sheamus picked up an easy win. However, Big Show turned up on the titantron to ruin Sheamus’ celebrations. Now, Big Show had Regal and was threatening to punch him. So Sheamus, rather than running backstage, stood and watched. AFTER Show punched Regal, THEN Sheamus ran backstage. What… a bad friend.

A Josh Matthews updated announced that Regal had a concussion and a potential broken jaw.

Then came the Team Foley v Team Ziggler match. Of sorts. Team Rhodes Scholars went up against Kane and his partner… The Miz! But Kane had other problems on his mind as, before coming to the ring, Daniel Bryan expressed his unhappiness of his tag team boo sharing the ring with another man. Kane tried to shake it off but a jealous Bryan decided to follow Miz to the ring.

The tag match was pretty good and Miz played his face role well right off the bat. I don’t love it but I’m making do. After Miz capitalised using Bryan as a human shield, Kane hit the chokeslam for the win.

Then we had John Cena v CM Punk. It was a PPV worthy bout, as always and it’s a shame to see these two giving away this match on Raw but, hey, who am I to complain? Paul Heyman tried to interfere where possible but a cowardly Punk was thwarted by Ryback who sauntered down to the ring which allowed Cena to hit the AA for the win. Afterwards, all 3 men stared at the prize… the WWE Championship.

So, what might happen on Sunday? Look out for my predictions.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Time To Get Survivor Serious

This week’s Raw was coming from my home country of the UK and boy what a show! The Birmingham crowd were on fire, butts were bubblier than ever and I have to say, it’s been one of the strongest UK editions of the show I’ve seen in a while. But what went down? Read on, my loves!

Raw opened up with an angry Miz telling Paul Heyman that CM Punk is a coward. Heyman told Miz that he needed to get onboard along with the rest of the team. Miz, however, wasn’t having any of it and abruptly quit Team Punk.

The first match of the night was 6-man tag action with Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara and R Truth teaming up against The Prime Time Players and Antonio Cessaro. Admittedly, it was more of a 4 against 3 match because I’m pretty sure Rey’s stomach counts for a 4^th person. Those black latex shirts aren’t fooling anyone, Rey.

It was a so-so match with your usual fair which resulted in R Truth picking up the win.

Then it was time for Vickie Guerrero to have her say. For those who have been hiding in a hole (I know a few holes I wouldn’t mind hiding in), Vickie is currently the Raw Managing Supervisor which is WWE’s way of trying to get around the fact the GM role never stays filled for long. Vickie believes that AJ Lee and John Cena were having an affair whilst AJ was General Manager. Now, I don’t understand the issue here because both AJ and John are unmarried and they can do what and whoever they want. Vickie, however, had more footage.

Cena came to the ring to see exactly what the incriminating evidence was and this time it was juicier. It involved towels and sneaking around. It was like the entire segment was produced by Jerry Sandusky. Cena, however, maintained his plea of innocence saying that all the evidence was circumstantial. Vickie disagreed and wanted to hear AJ’s side of the story. AJ, however, wasn’t willing to come to the ring as she’d want to punch Vickie in the face and well, if she does that then she’s fired and said she wouldn’t be able to do what she loves to do. Dolph Ziggler then turned up and told AJ we all know what she loves to do. Ziggler is so Mean Girls. I love it. With that Cena darted out the ring and Vickie screeched with joy.

Backstage, Paul Heyman tried to convince Wade Barrett to join Team Punk at Survivor Series. Whilst initially hesitant, Barrett eventually agreed.

The next match was Daniel Bryan v Cody Rhodes. The match was actually pretty good but a distraction from Kane and Damien Sandow allowed Cody to pick up the win. Afterwards, Cody took to the mic to lisp his way through some gloating. He also said that his partner Damien Sandow could easily beat Kane and with that we had an impromptu Kane v Damien Sandow match!

Kane and Sandow really went at it but Bryan and Rhodes were proving to be distracting. After Cody ran into the ring to avoid a Daniel Bryan beatdown, the referee expelled both of them from ringside. This allowed Kane to hit Sandow with a chokeslam for the win.

It was then time for Brad Maddox to explain himself. I strongly believed he should’ve come out butt naked and shook that cute little tush and all would be forgiven. Alas, it wasn’t to be but Maddox’s ample glutes were well displayed in the trousers he was wearing. Anyway, back to the action as Maddox explained his reasons for interfering in the Punk v Ryback WWE Championship Match. Maddox said that he’d be in FCW for a long time and was told that he wouldn’t make it. He believes it’s because he’s not tall or fast enough. That he doesn’t fit in. It was your usual fodder but the guy looked totally cute the entire time so, take a look.

After the speech, Mr McMahon came out and offered Maddox a contract if he’s able to beat Ryback on next week’s Raw.

Once Maddox had left the ring, Mr McMahon bought out Vickie Guerrero. He said that it seemed odd to not have Punk defend his title at Survivor Series. After trying to get Dolph the gig, Vickie eventually gave in and announced Ryback as the opponent. But Mr McMahon didn’t want it to end there, he said it should be a triple threat match but who should the opponent be? Ah yes, John Cena. Vickie reluctantly agreed and the match was made. And that’s how WWE works folks. Other people make decisions and then Vince steps in and forces them to change their mind.

Sheamus took on The Miz in the next match and I was pleasantly surprised. First of all, The Big Show was on commentary and I have to say he was a delight. His anger at Michael Cole was brilliant. And the match? It was great! The Miz and Sheamus really pulled out the stops and it was a genuine nail biter. Also, Miz wore blue. Bitch looks good in blue.

Backstage, Dolph Ziggler was pacing outside Mr McMahon’s office. Vickie exited and had great news, now that Punk was no longer team captain, Dolph will take the helm. So it’ll now be Team Foley v Team Ziggler. CM Punk, however, was not best pleased and expressed his displeasure to Vickie. She then announced that Ziggler and Punk would team up to face Ryback and Cena!

Then it looked like we were getting a promo for a new diva as Sex & The City-esque music played and bright colours flashed. Turns out it’s for a new Superstar by the name of Fandangoo. Rumour has it Fandangoo will be Johnny Curtis’ new gimmick. However, it seems like WWE had a few spelling issues because on Smackdown, they dropped one of the ‘O’s. Homo they didn’t.

Now, usually when WWE does UK shows there’s some sort of UK segment. Someone drinking tea or someone dressed as The Queen. But no. None of that. The most British thing was Sheamus and William Regal backstage deciding to go for a pint. Tip of me ‘at for that guv’nor.

Diva action was up next as Layla and Kaitlyn teamed up against Eve and Aksana. I have to say that these women (let’s be honest, minus Aksana) are very good in the ring. Eve’s clearly sprucing up her moves and Layla’s new high-risk move set works like a dream. It even helped she and Kaitlyn pick up the win.

Backstage once more where Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez discussed the fact that ADR wasn’t team captain. Then he bumped into Rosa Mendes. The two seemed to have chemistry so watch out for a storyline there.

ADR’s opponent for the night would be Kofi Kingston. Kingston was seemingly set to lose as ADR put on a beat down. However, Randy Orton’s music hit and caused a distraction which allowed Kofi to roll ADR up for the win. After the match, ADR ran into an RKO by Orton. Orton’s face, however, seems to have been ran into by too much botox. His face is so puffed up. Maybe he had an allergic reaction to some fake tan. Or y’know. Pills again.

More tag action in the next match which was Primo and Epico Fail vs Zack Ryder and Santino. Not worth discussing really. Ryder and Santino won.

Wade Barrett then had a match against Brodus Clay. A weird pairing but they had to give Barrett a match since he was on home turf. The crowd were freakin’ electric as they watched Barrett pick up the inevitable win.

3 man band member Heath Slater then went up against one of the Usos. I can’t even. This three hour thing is really starting to not work out, you guys.

Then it was main event time and boy was it a doozy. Dolph and Punk really lay into Cena for the duration of the match and Dolph hitting elbow drop after elbow drop was particularly brutal. Ryback, meanwhile, was foaming at the mouth to be let into the match up. He soon got his way and cleared house and picked up the win.

Afterwards, he and Cena stared each other down.

I’m still not buying into Ryback as a character with longevity but good luck to the guy.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Refereeasy On The Eyes

This week’s Raw certainly raised a few questions about what direction WWE is going in and I can’t say I hate it. But what exactly happened this week? Read on, Mon Cherie.

Raw opened this week with CM Punk and blowhard Paul Heyman who acted as Punk’s mouthpiece yet again. Heyman explained that he and Punk were holding Raw hostage, due to the injustice of the previous week when CM Punk lost against John Cena despite having his foot on the rope. To smooth this injustice, Heyman called out Referee Brad Maddox to the ring to apologies and resign.

Maddox agreed and came to the ring. Side note, how hot is Maddox? He’s actually a wrestler whose real name is Brent Wellington and he was previously part of FCW (or NXT as it’s now known). Anyways, he’s got a banging ass which looks even better in tights.

Courtesy of Just Us Boys Forum

Moving on, Maddox did apologise saying he genuinely didn’t see what happened but he refused to resign. He then explained that he was actually called upon last minute by AJ Lee, the GM, as a replacement. For those who aren’t in the know, the NFL (American Football) recently had a referee crisis in which their referees went on strike. In response, NFL drafted in some “replacement referees” who weren’t so good thus creating lots of controversy and WWE decided to use it for leverage.

So, Punk then used to opportunity to berate the GM causing her to come out and defend herself. Maddox left the ring and AJ faced Heyman and Punk. Punk then decided he’d mock AJ and her previous breakdown in which she proposed to him because nobody had ever really been nice to her. This resulted in Paul Heyman proposing to AJ, promising they’d become a power couple akin to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. AJ decided to slap him instead.

Backstage, Sexy Ref apologised to AJ for what happened. She got all weird and said she’d fire him if it ever happened again. Bitch per-lease.

The first match of the night was Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston. Ziggler was accompanied by Vickie as always and Kofi was accompanied by tag team partner R Truth and his imaginary friend Little Jimmy. Vickie decided to mock Little Jimmy whilst he was sat down, enraging Truth who confronted her. In all fairness, Jimmy was just having a nice drink and some popcorn. Anyways, things got heated, R Truth threw water at Vickie and both were ejected from ringside.

The match got underway and I have to say it was brilliant. JR was right; it turned very quickly into a main event match up with lots of finish fake outs and just generally cool moves. Ultimately, it was Dolph who would pick up the win over Kofi.

It was then announced that John Cena has had surgery on his elbow and would discuss his future.

We then had another Daniel Bryan/Kane/Doctor Shelby Anger Management session. These have been a real highlight and I implore you to check it out.

Match two was the Prime Time Players v Zack Ryder and Santino Morella. WWE really does seem to be giving more light to Tag Teams but I am nervous about the number of tag team matches on WWE programming over singles. I understand it’s a way of displaying as much talent as possible but it can get a little predictable. Anyways, it was a good match and the Prime Time Players are getting better with each bout. They picked up the win.

Then out came Mick Foley. Honestly, I don’t want to recap it. His speech to Punk about being a legend and not a statistic was awesome.

WATCH!

Then it was The Miz v Ryback. Here’s where I eat humble pie. I argued that Ryback wouldn’t last very long and that he sucks. I stand by the sucks comment but it’s obvious the crowd love him for some reason. Maybe it’s to do with his resemblance to loveable funnyman Will Sasso. Who knows. And, actually, his match against The Miz wasn’t terrible. The Miz got a few shots in. The show, however, was stolen by a crazed fan who ran into the ring and was immediately tackled. I thought it was just some schtick but clearly it wasn’t. Maybe it was one of the jobbers Ryback destroyed? Both men were extremely professional and carried on, with Ryback picking up the win.

Then we had more anger management.

Backstage, in AJ’s office, she wanted to make it clear to all referees including Sexy Ref that it should be business as normal and they should go out there and do what they do best. After the referees left and I stopped thinking about what I’d like to do to Maddox, Alberto Del Rio came in flunked by David Otunga and Ricardo Rodriguez. The men weren’t happy and AJ knew saying they deserved some sort of vengeance and would all team up against Sheamus, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara.

Then the Wade Barrett onslaught continued with a fantastic win over Tyson Kidd.

Michael Cole then took to the ring to interview Jerry Lawler. WWE handled the episode of Raw where Jerry had the heart attack really well but, once they realised Lawler was alive and kicking, they’re milking that cash cow until it’s dry. I think trying to profit from a heart attack is terrible but it’s not surprising. Not only did they trail Lawler’s interview like it was the rising of Christ but now they’re selling a Long Live The King t-shirt. Mamma mia. Jerry does look good though. Keep well, King.

Then it was time for 6 man tag action. Botchamania favourites Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up with Sheamus to face ADR, Otunga and Ricardo. The match was what you’d expect but it got the point across and didn’t make me want to rip my own eyeballs out too much. Sin Cara picked up the win with a Sheamus assist and then Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Otunga. And balance is restored.

Then we got another instalment off Diner Anger Management.

After that, it was time for Daniel Bryan and Kane to come out and discover what their tag team name would be. The suggestions were generally horrible and they were all prefixed by the word “team” which is clearly WWE’s way of jumping onto the Twilight Team Edward/Jacob/Bella nonsense. Anyways, the Universe plumbed for Team Hell No but, before they could celebrate, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow jumped in to attack them.

Cody then took to the mic and announced they would be known as Team Rhodes Scholars. It seems a little mean to give a guy with a lisp that many s’s but he managed. I guess this “team” thing is going to stick. Might cause confusion come Survivor Series.

After that  got some Divas Tag Action with Layla and Alicia Fox facing Beth Phoenix and Eve. It was actually a good match and you can’t fault Eve’s wrestling. I am surprised that she can fall on her face without those teeth getting stuck in the mat though.

After Eve stole a win from Beth, Kaitlyn came out and said she remembers that the person who attacked her at Night Of Champions was blonde. Eve immediately pinned it on Beth and took her out. But who could it be (note: definitely not Kelly Kelly… bye, bitch, btw)? Either way, it’s nice to see the Divas getting a real storyline. Nothing like a good whodunit.

Funkasaurus Brodus Clay went against Lord Tensai next. It was a boring match until Big Show came out and knocked both men out. I don’t know if it was even for anything other than to break up what was a very dull bout.

Then it was time for Cena to face the public. He came out and did his usual schtick of saying he’s had a shit week, that he’s not sure if he can go on. Then he, as always, contradicted himself, and said that he’d make sure he was ready to face Punk at Hell In A Cell. I’m actually excited for that match and I love Cena but I think the guy should take a break. He’s just had surgery. I fear he’ll end up doing himself way too much damage.

Punk then came out and berated him and told Cena to get out of his ring. Punk and Heyman gave him to the count of three but, as Punk turned, Cena grabbed a steel pipe from his shorts (giggle) and beat on Punk with it.

Backstage, Punk sloped back still in pain from the attack. There, he noticed Mick Foley and decided to beat him up. Punk walked away but attempted to go back but he was stopped in his tracks by a terrifying sight… Ryback. Hahaha, I know right? Anyways, Punk walked away.

So what does this mean? Well, WWE are focussing more on Tag Teams and Divas. The Superheavyweights are probably going to have a superheavyweight feud and Ryback is probably going to be pushed to the main event. I mostly don’t hate it. Mostly.

Until next time,

XO-WB

Vince McSlammed

This week’s Raw was actually quite enjoyable. I am, however, a super McFahon (that’s a Fan of the McMahon Family) so any appearance by any of them was always going to bolster my enjoyment. It was also the first 3 hour Raw. I’m currently reviewing the way I recap because 3 hour Raws are going to be a bitch to do in this current format. So if you’ve any ideas, let me know.

The show opened with J-Lau who was surprisingly chipper considering he was having a job evaluation. It’s been a point of contention amongst WWE fans because we’re all pretty sure Vince got stripped of his day to day duties. But, it’s Vince so I decided to let it go. Before J-Lau could get past even introducing himself, Vince’s music hit and the crowd went wild. I love Vince’s strut and often try to emulate it but I was chastised for mocking Cerebral Palsy so had to stop. Vince even did a backwards strut; it was a thing of beauty.

In the ring, J-Lau extended his hand but Vince refused noting that he didn’t know where it’d been. Ooh, bitch please. Vince then waved away J-Lau’s insistence that he was an astute businessman blaming him for the 2 lawsuits that came with the Lesnar signing. I was torn here because, technically, it was Triple H’s fault but at the same time… Brock Lesnar is a prick. Vince then continued explaining that The Big Show’s signing was also a bad idea as he’s not performed effectively since 1999. I found this ironic on the same night in which The Great Khali in a number one contender’s match was deemed a good idea. More on that later.

The party was then interrupted by Sheamus. Sheamus came to the ring and it seemed like he was going to defend J-Lau but he actually launched into a tirade against him. This was interrupted by Vince who announced that “#firejohnny” was trending worldwide. This is what we’ve come to; the Chairman of WWE announcing hashtags live on air. In led me to wish that Vince had a Twitter too but I guess the parody accounts can tide me over.

It all came to an end when Vince warned J-Lau that he had to impress or he will be fired. Vince then left the ring on J-Lau’s scooter which he then drove off the stage. RIP Scooter. J-Lau vowed revenge on Sheamus announcing he’d have a match against… Lord Tensai. Eurgh.

The Tensai match sucked and Sheamus got the win. Backstage, Vince, J-Lau and Teddy discussed who might be Del Rio’s replacement at No Way Out. Vickie interrupted suggesting her two clients get in on the action. It was then left to Teddy to suggest a Fatal Fourway… Ziggler, Swagger, Christian and… THE GREAT KHALI. FREAKIN’ KHALI?! The only push he should be getting is in a wheelchair. He can barely walk. Vince declared it a “great” idea. I hope he was being sarcastic.

After the break we were back in the ring where Tensai and his Japanese Lover Sakamoto were standing awkwardly. It appeared as if though they’d waited an entire ad break for something. Turns out, it was for Tensai to beat up his lover. It was like Brokeback but breathy-ier and just plain weird. Obviously, this was an attempt to make Tensai seem domineering but it just came across as two angry lesbians having a fall out.

Backstage once more to R Truth and Matt Striker. Truth was basically sounding off about Big Show saying that he’s going to lose against Cena. This didn’t go down so well with Big Show, who knocked Truth out with the WMD. I must admit, I’m not keen on the Big Show angle but the WMD is a bad ass move.

A rare mixed tag match was next with Santino Morella teaming with Layla to face the team of Beth Phoenix and Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer… Ricardo Rodriguez. The match was actually pretty fun and it seemed to be the Divas wrestling properly and the two men joking outside. The joking was actually quite fun and Ricardo running into the ring post was a personal highlight. However, Beth annihilated Layla with the GlamSlam to pick up the win. Afterwards, Santino and Ricardo tussled which led to Santino angrily tearing open Ricardo’s shirt. However, things got super homo as it was revealed that Ricardo was wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt underneath. Brilliant.

Backstage, David Otunga began complimenting Vince on his physique and suggested that, if J-Lau were to be fired, he’d be the perfect replacement. This didn’t go down well with Vince who announced that he hates lawyers. An angry Kofi stormed in, wanting Big Show’s blood for beating up his partner. J-Lau intervened announcing Kofi as Show’s opponent in a warm-up cage match.

Daniel Bryan then made his way to the ring. He said that he was the obvious winner because he wasn’t being distracted like Punk and Kane were. The reason for the distraction? AJ. Bryan said that AJ may still love him but he feels nothing for her. He also made a great joke that 2^nd base for Kane is someone not throwing up when they look at him. He then made the proclamation that “one you’ve gone Bryan, there’s no point in tryin’. He ACTUALLY said that. I actually used to have a saying like that myself “One sexy night with me, you’ve definitely got an STD”.

Punk then interrupted saying that Bryan was delusional and questioned how AJ could love anybody who had a “goatface”. Kane then came out to reel off a strange CV which included electrocuting Shane McMahon’s testicles. AJ then ran to the ring, wanting them to stop arguing. She told Kane that deep down she knew he had a heart, she told Bryan that she will always love him and she told Punk that well, HE’S JUST SOOOOO CUTE AND FRICKIN’ AWESOME!11. I must be fair to AJ, that’s how I react every time Dolph or Cody are on my screen. J-Lau’s face then appeared on the titantron where he announced that Kane and Bryan will team up against Punk and… AJ. Ooooh.

Then it was Fatal Fourway time. After the real wrestlers got rid of Khali who made things so slow I had to check my TV settings, it all got very awesome. Dolph was magnificent as always but there were some great near falls and submissions. The big scandal was Dolph screwing over Swagger to eliminate him. Obviously, the pull away from Team Vickie continues. It was then down to Christian and Dolph. And I am thrilled to say that DOLPH WON! HE ACTUAL WON! HE COULD BECOME CHAMPION! I’m not getting ahead of myself but I’ve bought a bottle of champagne just in case.

Backstage once more and Vince was cornered by Natalya who wanted him to bring back the Hart Family in some sort of reunion. Vince looked as interested in that proposition as I would be a lesbian three-way. Vince walked away but was interrupted by Naomi and Cameron aka the Funkadactyls. They wanted Vince to overturn J-Lau’s decision to remove Brodus from Raw and only have him on Smackdown. Vince, however, refused to overturn the decision. The two girls were upset but decided to instead get funky with Vince in what is one of my favourite moments ever. The entire thing was capped off by Zack Ryder whose shocked face was absolutely brilliantly timed and executed. The excitement on his face when Vince fist pumped the air yelling “woo woo woo” was just brilliant. It’s also the face I pull every time someone on WWE gets a wedgie.

Ryback then squashed two more thin, weedy wrestlers. I don’t understand how WWE thinks that makes him look tough. It’s like a jock beating up two nerds. It isn’t tough or cool, it’s weak and cowardly. I wish it’d stop as it’s getting boring. WWE has too much of this going on. We’ve got Sin Cara defeating everyone, we’ve got Big Show knocking everyone out, we’ve got Tensai throwing his weight around and Ryback doing the same. It’s getting boring, very quick and it isn’t how you build someone. Look at Ziggler. He loses most of his matches yet his in-ring skill and character are so good… he doesn’t need to win to be a winner.

Things went from bad to worse as, backstage, Vince and Hornswaggle mocked JR. The guy is a WWE Legend. He’s popular with fans. To mock his Bell’s Palsy isn’t fair and disrespectful. I don’t approve at all.

Cena then showed up to suggest that Vince should do the right thing and fire J-Lau. Vince told Cena to worry about himself and not get involved in the Kofi/Show cage match. Cena reassured Vince that he wouldn’t do so as Kofi had already asked him not to. Convenient. Otunga then turned up again and things got awesome as Vince, after declaring Otunga a sycophant, said he’d never respect anyone who could actually pucker up and kiss and guy’s ass. We then cut to an annoyed looking William Regal.

It was then time for the Big Show/Kofi Kingston cage match. It was exactly as expected and Kofi was utterly destroyed. But hey, we got to hear CAGE MUSIC! WOO!

Sin Cara then defeated Curt Hawkings in a “no shit Sherlock” conclusion.

Daniel Bryan and Vince then spoke backstage and Vince awkwardly mocked Bryan for not looking like a superstar and losing in 18 seconds. Bryan looked pissed and it was confusing really because we’re meant to hate Bryan but that made us hate Vince. But then I realised it was the WWE and just kind of glossed over it in my brain. Along with eating, it’s my coping mechanism.

Then came a nice surprise. The one-off return of Vader! Vader went up against Heath Slater and the man is looking GREAT. He moves better than Khali! It was a great match which he, of course, won to celebrate 1000 episodes of Raw.

Backstage once more and Punk warned AJ not to do anything crazy. Her nodding made it seemed like she understood but the look in her eyes said otherwise.

That match was up next and it was actually pretty good. Punk tried his best to ensure AJ wasn’t tagged in but Punk was shoved into her and the referee registered the tag. The crowd waited with baited breath to see what Kane would do to her but well, she jumped on him, wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him. That’s right. She made out with him. Kane immediately tagged himself out and left the ring to allow Punk to get tagged in and pin Bryan for the win.

Then it was the big decision; would Vince fire J-Lau. I began to contemplate a world without people power and a tear fell from my eye. J-Lau came out and tried to defend himself but it was clear Vince was gearing himself up for a firing. It looked as if it was about to happen until Big Show made his way to the ring. Show tried to defend J-Lau but this was all interrupted by John Cena.

Cena didn’t seem to care so much for the HR nightmare in the ring but instead told Show that he’d made a grave mistake. See, Show has been blaming everyone for his downfalls so if he loses to Cena, he’s only got himself to blame. And, he’ll have to work the rest of his contract knowing that he’s a sell out. The heated words got to Big Show who went for Cena. Security Guards were scattered everywhere as the two men went to brawl. As Vince went to break it up he was met instead by the WMD, knocking him out.

This was on the anniversary of the great Limo explosion which we thought killed Vince but actually didn’t. But, if you looked at Cena’s face… the punch might’ve.

So that was the first 3 hour Raw and my hand hurts doing this recap. Expect a different format next week!

Until then,

XO-WB

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes… It’s A Recap

OK, so Wrestlemania was about a billion shades of awesome. Everyone’s got their own opinion and well, I am about to give you mine! I loved it for many reasons but what exactly went down? Well, read on.

So the show started with Lilian Garcia. I’ve felt sorry for her recently after the Zack Ryder/Zack Swagger gaffe has exploded over the internet with people writing some rather mean comments. I happen to think Lilian is one of the best announcers of my time but then there is something else she is more talented at; singing. She sang the national anthem and blew me away. I mean, I’m British but I was SO close to joining the US Army. And since Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell doesn’t exist, looking at some of the soldiers I’d have a LOT of fun.

The first match of the night was, surprisingly, Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus. This match has been building for months ever since Sheamus won the Royal Rumble. Royal Rumble winners haven’t always fared too great on the grandest stage of them all and it was clear whose side the audience was on. I’ve not heard that many people shout “YES, YES, YES” since I arranged a gay sex flashmob. They’re like orgies but you dance whilst you’re doing it. So, the bell rings but Daniel isn’t ready. He wants a peck from his lover AJ. Only, once they were done, Sheamus gave Bryan another smacker… with his boot! The match was over and done in 18 seconds and Sheamus was crowned new champion.

I thought that was amazing. People have gone crazy, they’re furious but WWE Fans love an underdog (unless his name is John Cena) and well, Bryan is now that underdog. He was hard-done to and the crowd (as evidenced by Raw) are well and truly behind him. Smart move, WWE.

Backstage Team Johnny assembled and The Miz interrupted trying to give a grand speech. It went down like a fart in a spacesuit. J-Lau, played by Colonel Sanders, appeared to give his team a pep talk. Dolph looked amazing. That’s all you need to know.

The next match was Kane vs Orton. This was more painful than lubeless anal. I swear to God. It was two superstars I didn’t really care about fighting for reasons that were way too vague. The match itself wasn’t that good either but I must admit, I did like finish. Everyone always assumes Orton is going to win big matches, so when Kane chokeslammed him off the top rope I must admit, I got a little tingle in my dingle.

Either way, can Randy Orton disappear and come back with a new personality? Ta.

Backstage once more this time to a seafood buffet where Mick Foley, Santino and some dude from The Deadliest Catch (the non-dead one) were eating crab. Random stuff happened, I got confused but it was still funny! I bet Kelly Kelly is pissed though, isn’t The Deadliest Catch her nickname?

Next was a match I was actually excited for; The Big Show vs Cody Rhodes. Rhodes came out first in a brand new outfit. He looked fiiiiine. First of all, red is a great colour on him and secondly, he has a new robe that literally frames his bulge. Way to know your audience, girl.

The match itself was actually pretty good. I had worried that the size difference would’ve played an issue but it really didn’t. Cody put in some great offense and the match was enjoyable. It can’t have been too enjoyable for Cody’s balls though, after Big Show ploughed into them. A spear to the nuts… kinky. Cody tried to recover but Show hit the WMD for the win.

We then had the Divas match that I didn’t care about. Beth Phoenix teamed up with Eve to take on the team of Kelly Kelly and “celebrity” Maria Menounos. The match was what you expected but there were some high points. It was mostly an exercise in proving that celebrities matter more than people that actually work their butts off all year (Hey, Rock!). Maria was rocking a Greek Flag tee and I was kinda hoping she’d crash like their economy. Sadly, Maria got a roll up pin on Beth for the win. Oh and there was no Kharma either. Sooooo…

Backstage once more, this time to HBK who basically explained that he had Undertaker’s career in the palm of his hand. I’d like to have Cody Rhodes in the palm of mine.

Then it was time for the match I was most excited for, The Undertaker v HHH. End of an era. Possibly end of the streak? Me recapping this won’t do it justice. Quite frankly, if you only watch one match from Wrestlemania then it must be this. HBK added so much to it, he was like the narrator. He was a friend, a fan, not wanting the pain to go on much longer. The anguish in his face, it looked like Chris Beniot had nipped around to say hello to his wife and kids. Amazing match. Gave me goosebumps. Plus, JR was in the booth so that’s always a winner.

Then it was Hall Of Fame time. Honestly? I nipped to the toilet. But I came back in time for Edge’s cute “trying not to cry” face. ADORBS.

Backstage to One Man Rock Band (not a band then, is it?) Heath Slater. I don’t know who he blew to get on Mania but he managed it. Anyways, he spurted some thinly veiled racism to Flo Rida or pushed him into a wall.

It was then time for the team match. Team Johnny v Team Teddy. The Bella Twins each introduced a team. Again, I’ve no idea why. I think WWE just wanted to give everyone a chance. The match itself was, unsurprisingly, a complete clusterfuck. There were too many men and that’s not something I say often.

The match came to an end when Eve jumped into the ring to fist pump alongside Ryder. Ryder got distracted by Eve’s massive hands and allowed The Miz to pick up the win. FYI, how spookily close were my predictions?! Crazy.

So yeah, then Eve gets all apologetic and, when Ryder turned to face her, she kicked him in the nuts. Hilarious. I love evil Eve (AKA Eveil). LONG MAY SHE REIGN.

Then we saw CM Punk backstage where J-Lau walked past. CM Punk muttered a few words of what I’m assuming wasn’t congratulations only for J-Lau to turn the tables. He announced that if CM Punk got himself DQ’d, he’d still lose the belt. OOO, TWIST.

Said match was up next with CM Punk taking on Chris Jericho. I did wonder who would win this and I was pleasantly surprised. I actually loved this match, it was great. It did exactly what it needed to do, it needed to make us believe Punk could lose. And boy did he come close. False finishes happen often but it’s nice to see it done with submissions. Eventually, Y2J tapped out to the Anaconda Vice. Awesommmme. Punk won but there were no losers in this. Except those that didn’t watch.

Then Brodus Clay came out to tell everyone he was gonna call his momma. This then lead to a bunch of dancers dressed as old women on stage dancing. It was actually hilarious and really broke up the levity of the night.

Then the main event but, it being Wrestlemania, the entrances needed to be grand. Sean “Diddy” Combs was first out after being introduced by Justin Roberts. Diddy then introduced MGK. It was like Inception. MGK was actually really good but he was there to (very vocally) support John Cena. I think props need to go to the guy. He knew it wouldn’t be popular and he managed to make it all sound legit. I enjoyed it.

Once Cena was in the ring, it was the turn of Flo Rida who was accompanied by Sia who was dressed like a slutty troll doll. She mimed the entire way through too… tut. Then The Rock made his way to the ring.

OK so the match began and, I hope I’m not alone in this, but it suuuccckkked. The match itself was REAL boring. It very much seemed like they both needed to hit certain moves and the crowd clearly loved it but I was a bit yawny. It all ended when John Cena went for the People’s Elbow and The Rock hit Rock Bottom instead. The Rock won and I hated it. He didn’t need to win. It wasn’t necessary. But, I guess things got worse on Raw.

So that was Mania and, overall, I loved it. It gets bigger and better every year and I think some great stories will come out of it. I’d love to hear what you think though.

Until next time,

XO-WB

I Wish Someone Would Slam-Me Into A Wall

I know I’m a bad, bad wrestling blogger but hey, I was having a life. RUDE. Anyways, last Monday’s RAW was the Slammy’s so we didn’t miss much… or did we? Well you’ll have to read on to find out.

So RAW began straight with the Slammy’s and the first award was the “Tell Me I Didn’t Just See That” Award presented by Booker T and Hornswaggle. For those confused, Mick Foley hosted a live special Smackdown where he organised a battle royal. The winner of that would get a wish granted. Hornswaggle won and asked to be able to speak. He now can but we’ve suddenly realised he’s actually a crazy racist. But, racism aside, it was awards time. The nominees were your standard WWE stuff but the winner was JR’s dance in the Michael Cole challenge.

Typically Cole couldn’t just let that go so had to berate JR. Booker T decided they should have another contest, a rap battle. It was as painful as it sounds. I mean seriously, JR put the silent ‘c’ into rap. The crowd, however, loved it and JR decided to milk the situation with Booker when he was asked to do a JR-Roonie. It was awful. Poor JR.

Next we had Mick Foley and Ted DiBiase (the original, not the duck lipped one) presenting the Holy Shit Moment Of The Year award. Obviously the shit part was edited out. Luckily, they don’t have that policy for this edition of RAW or it’d be really short. Anyway, the winner of that award was Big Show for the ring collapse incident.

Show did a big speech about how he was going to beat Mark Henry and then Wade Barrett came along and said how the barrage is coming. A match ensued between the pair and it was just a quickie as it ended with Barrett trying to hit Show with a chair, only to be punched away. Big Show also punched a table in half. Note to self: never invite Big Show to dinner.

We were then re-introduced to the awesome of Road Dogg. I’m  a huge Road Dogg fan so it was nice to see the D-O-Double G back in the WWE. See, that even rhymed. Road Dogg was there to present the Pipe Bomb Of The Year Award. It, obviously went to CM Punk.

Then hilarity ensued as Punk bought out a mannequin dressed as John Laurinaitis back in the day when he was Johnny Ace. There was then a very acid-trippy video featuring highlights from Laurinaitis’ career. It was weird but at the same time, very, very cool. You gotta love Punk.

Following on from that was the Divalicious Moment Of The Year presented by the lovely Lita. It was nice to see Lita turned up. I just hope she didn’t drive. The award went to Kelly Kelly for when she won the Divas Championship. I could go into why this is a huge mistake and makes me want to rip out my eyeballs, swallow them and shit them out but it’s not that kind of blog post. Kelly then did a breathy speech about how honoured she was. Beth and Natalya came out and Beth stole Kelly’s award and received a slap for it. Lita did nothing but hide behind Kelly. For fu—no, no. Not that kind of blog post.

Next up was the OMG Moment Of The Year as in OMG I can’t believe this is still happening. Santino Morella got to host this one with literally no assistance from The Bella Twins. The winner was Triple H vs Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Interestingly, Triple H returned to collect his award and send a message to Nash. He banged on about how this is personal and yadda, yadda, yadda. It was a good segment because he managed not to injure anything whilst standing still and talking. Then Santino hung around awkwardly to give HHH his award which I’m sure went down great. Woopsie.

The funtimes continued with David Otunga and the extremely irritating Tony Atlas. His laugh may be infectious but not in a fun, giggling way but more of an AIDs kinda way. They were there to announce the Trending Star Of The Year which would go to the person who trends first worldwide during the Fatal Fourway match. The nominees were Zack Ryder, Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler and Daniel Bryan.

This was followed by the Fatal Fourway and boy was it a good match. I really enjoyed it and I definitely hope to see Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan feud in the near future. Those kicks in the corner were mean! Although, I am still giggling at that set of pins they were doing. There comes a moment during a move set where it becomes less wrestling and more foreplay… I mean, I definitely got a semi.

After the match, which was won by Dolph Ziggler, Jerry Lawler announced the winner of the Slammy. That was Zack Ryder who was gleeful at this prize. Ziggler, however, didn’t plan on celebrating and took Ryder down and stole his award. Hashtag Meanie.

The next award was presented by Christian who limped out to announce he was giving away two awards. The first was a new one invented by him and given to him named Courageous Moment Of The Year because he managed to present an award whilst being injured. OK, it was funny. Then it was the Game Changer Of The Year award which went to John Cena challenging The Rock.

Cena came out and did his usual “I’m here/he isn’t” speech and it appeared he was getting more and more pissed off. I am LOVING the story development in Cena at the moment. Cena had a killer line saying he’d like to apologise for Team Bring It not bringing it. Cena really knows how to get a crowd going.

We were then offered a tag team bout in the form of CM Punk & Randy Orton taking on The Miz & Alberto Del Rio. The match, again, was actually really good and Miz and Del Rio gained the upper hand. Things took a turn for the worse though when Wade Barrett knocked Orton off the apron. This meant Punk couldn’t tag in and Miz picked up the win (yey!). Orton jumped the barrier to chase down Barrett and Miz and Del Rio used the opportunity to beat down Punk. I would like to thank The Miz, however, for giving me a new dream. I now want him to whisper into my ear “ooh, you’re an aggressive one” during sex. Make it happen, people.

The next award was A Lister Of The Year presented by Vickie Guerrero and Goldust. I hate Goldust and it annoys me how WWE let him treat fans on Twitter. He’s rude, obnoxious and simply not a nice guy. The only push he deserves is into a moving train. Speaking of things you wish didn’t live anymore, Snooki won.

Then there was a weird non-match between Sheamus and Jinder Mahal. Jinder came down to the ring, Sheamus brogue kicked him and that was that. No pin, no ring bell, just that. It was clear even Sheamus had no idea what was going on as he simply shrugged and left the ring laughing.

The night was finally beginning to come to a close as Rey Mysterio came out to present Superstar Of The Year. The winner was CM Punk but, with Punk out of action, who would collect his prize? Well, John Laurinaitis of course. It was freaking hilarious and Laurinaitis showed he really knows how to make a crowd hate him. I seriously think he’s amazing. Punk/Laurinaitis is the new Austin/McMahon.

Then it was time for the main event. Mark Henry took on John Cena. It was a so-so match but the real action came near the end. It appeared that Mark Henry was getting the upperhand with a huge World’s Strongest Slam onto Cena. The next thing the room goes completely dark and with a huge red thunder… Kane returned! After chokeslamming Cena, Kane removed his weird welder-esque mask to reveal a new mask. The old Kane has returned! Yey!

It was freakin’ awesome and just about made up for the awful awards segments.

What did you think of RAW? Let me know.

XO-WB

RAW Gets Halloweird

Hey! Long time no recap. How are you? Oh really? Oh well, I’m sure that’ll heal up just fine. Anyways, this week’s RAW was a Halloween Muppet Extravaganza and boy was everyone not looking forward to this. Many said they were jumping the shark, that WWE had finally lost the plot… turns out they were the best guest hosts in, like, ever. So what went down?

Well we opened with The Rock who’d made a real effort to travel all the way to RAW. Oh wait, no, it was a pre-recorded video message from his home in Miami. How nice. Rocky was replying to Cena’s request to be his partner at Survivor Series. The Rock found this hilarious and said no to Cena but then he said he wanted to change his mind. I’m really disliking The Rock element of WWE now. The guy says he’s never going anywhere and he hasn’t been around in months. I dunno, I just see it backfiring. Rock also enjoys putting down Cena fans which is just stupid. Cena fans are the ones buying the merch. Oh, and also, I became a Cena fan because The Rock left for Hollywood. So rude. Anyway, eventually The Rock said yes and that would’ve been a bigger thing if WWE hadn’t been advertising the fact he’s wrestling at Survivor Series. Whoopsie.

Then we had our first match which was CM Punk v Mark Henry. They showed some footage of the AWESOME ring collapse at Vengeance which I’m sure is on that YouTube thingy. A lot of people bitching and whining about it already being done but who cares? Trust me, I’m an expert at having the same thing done repeatedly inside a ring. Before the match got under way my new favourite person John Laurinaitis (whose name I don’t know if I’m spelling correctly) came out. Now, everyone seems to be hating on him but I think his character totally works. It’s understated but still evil and his voice plays well to that. I like him. Anyhoo, he said that if Punk can beat Henry then he’ll be able to face Del Rio at Survivor Series.

The match was going well until Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriquez came down and interfered. Del Rio sent his stooge into the ring to beat up Henry in order for Henry to win via DQ. This worked and Punk lost meaning no title match. Not one to let things slide, Punk attacked Del Rio and Rodriquez and threw him to the lions… or Mark Henry.

Then it was Muppet time as Miss Piggy and Kermit popped up to say hi. Miss Piggy was about to explain why she is the original Diva but was interrupted by Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger. Vickie and Piggy clearly didn’t get along and Swagger threatened them both. Kermit, however, slammed Vickie by saying they didn’t want any trouble from Swagger… or his mother. See? Muppets rule. Santino then got involved and announced that Swagger needs to warm up for a match against him. Swagger said he’d have Dolph on his side (aww, bromance) but Santino said that “John Laryngitis” told him Dolph also has a match against Zack Ryder.

After this announcement, Kelly Kelly came out and snogged Kermit as we headed for the Divas Halloween Battle Royal. Many people have said that WWE Divas haven’t come on very far but I remember when the Divas used to dress up when there wasn’t a match involved. Heck, a Smackdown Thanksgiving episode saw two Divas wrestle in gravy. Progress, people. Pretty much all the Divas were there but there could only be one winner… Eve! Natalya and Beth Phoenix then set on Eve but Alicia Fox (me neither) and Kelly Kelly jumped to her defence. I smell a Survivor Series Matchhhhhh.

We then zoomed backstage to where the good folks in the Muppet Labs were making an energy drink for Santino. Beaker was ordered to go deliver it but ran into Christian who called him a nerd and poured his drink on the floor. Luckily, Sheamus was there to rescue him and the two discussed how Sheamus couldn’t make the family reunion. It was a cute as fucking kittens.

The next match was AirBoom v Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett. It’s interesting to point out this will be the last time we’ll see Evan for a while considering his suspension for violating the wellness policy. I guess we know what made him fly so high. The match was actually pretty good but I’m always biased because I literally want to bury my face into Cody’s ass and live there forever. The match ended with a Cody/Wade win and the two went to put the hurtin’ on AirBoom and, just for the lols, Christian ran in to take part. But, as with everything in WWE, the numbers were evened up as Sheamus saved the day. I so hope WWE wasn’t hoping for a 6 Man Tag at Survivor Series because Evan totally fucked that up.

Backstage again, where CM Punk wasn’t happy with John Laurinaitis as he was screwed out of his title shot. He started to insult my new favourite person but Laurinaitis simply told him that match is still on if Punk can get Del Rio to agree. See? He’s fair. And he’s TOTALLY not up to anything with all that texting. Nothing. At. All.

Speaking of Del Rio, it was Big Show v Del Rio next and I must say Big Show is looking a lot leaner these days. Good on him. Their match was also pretty awesome so I’d definitely give that a watch if you haven’t already. Big Show picked up the win with an epic punch to Del Rio. After the match, Punk came down to the ring and explained to Del Rio that he was going to put him in the Anaconda Vice and won’t stop until Del Rio agreed to their match. Del Rio agreed, obvs.

Backstage to the Muppets once more where Swagger, Dolph & Vickie ended up tying up Gonzo’s arms. Mean.

It was then time for Santino v Swagger and the match was so-so. I am a fan of Swagger but it’s clear they aren’t quite sure what to do with him yet but teaming with Vickie is a step in the right direction. The match wasn’t going well for Santino until Beaker appeared with the energy drink from before and gave it to Santino. Santino, however, choked on it and ended up spitting it into Swagger’s eyes. He then rolled him up for the win.

Not long after Swagger loss, it was the turn of Vickie’s other client. Dolph v Ryder was a good match but one we’ve seen way too many times now. It’s obvious the two have chemistry but it’s also obvious the feud is going to run out of steam. Anyhoo, Ryder won the match. Woo Woo Woo.

We then had an update on Triple H who is said to be out for at least 5 weeks. We also discovered that Nash has been resigned. The plot is thickening like an artery after a KFC Double Down. After using his sombre voice for the Triple H announcement, Cole went into full asshole mode and took to the mic. Last week, he challenged JR to a Michael Cole challenge where, if Cole loses, he quits RAW. He went into a tirade about JR having bowel issues and then said JR should wear an adult nappy. I must admit, the Depends gag made me giggle. What? I’m human. Shut up.

More Muppet action where Miss Piggy was flirting with John Morrison. JoMo, however, left quickly and was replaced by Hornswaggle. I think JoMo disappearing suddenly is going to be something that happens in the future.

We then got to the main event which was a Wrestlemania rematch between John Cena and The Miz. Their match was actually really good! Again, go watch it. The twist came at the end when someone in the audience, dressed as the guy from Scream, attacked Cena. Cena batted him off and put Miz in the STF for the win. The Scream guy then ran into the ring, only for Cena to hit the AA and the man was revealed to be… R TRUTH. What… a shocker.

An interesting RAW and quite an enjoyable one too really. I liked it. Did you? Let me know, gurl.

XO-WB

Back With A Vengeance

Hey everyone!

Tonight is the night and another PPV has rolled around but this time it is all about Vengeance. So who will win? Here are my guesses.

Eve v Beth Phoenix (Divas Championship)

An interesting feud finally takes a new turn. It’s been a constant barrage of Beth v Kelly Kelly but now Eve is getting in on the action. Interestingly, it was Eve that gained the upperhand on Smackdown. It’s clear to everyone that this Divas Of Doom storyline for Beth and Natalya has been a major let down and it needs to go somewhere. My prediction?

Eve takes the win. This causes the DoD to argue and we finally get our Beth/Natalya feud.

AirBoom v Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger (Tag Titles)

In the first of two matches for Ziggler, this title match is actually one that is interesting. It’s clear that the WWE are trying their best to make us interested in the Tag Titles again and it is starting to make me think that something is happening. As for this match, I think it’ll be interesting to see how Dolph handles it. It’s very possible that he decides to walk away, in order to focus on his US Title. I think that Dolph and Swagger would be great champions so it is very hard to choose.

In any case, I’m going to go with Dolph & Swagger picking up the win.

Sheamus v Christian

Yet again, this PPV has a match that interests me. It’s clear to see that this PPV has been set up well with some great stories. Christian has interfered with numerous matches involving Sheamus and Sheamus originally embarrassed Christian. The two are finally going to come to a head and I think it will be a good match.

I believe that tonight might just see the explosion of Team Guerrero as Vickie indicated on Smackdown that she wished for Sheamus to join the ranks. So I reckon that Christian will pick up the win and The Cougar will gain one more cub.

Randy Orton v Cody Rhodes

Finally an Orton match I’m interested in. Cody Rhodes rise has been beautifully done and, although the mask aspect is getting old, his character is continuing to develop. It’s clear that Orton is in a bit of a stalemate with stars like Big Show and Mark Henry starting to seep up to the top. This is also a match with great history behind it but it’s clear that Rhodes has come on a lot since Legacy.

It is difficult for me to picture Randy Orton losing this match, as much as I’d enjoy that so I’m going to go with Randy Orton gaining the win.

Dolph Ziggler v Zack Ryder (US Title)

The rise of Ryder has been monumental and he’s gained some great wins over Dolph in recent weeks. As I previously stated, I think this will be a night where Vickie’s Cubs gain momentum. I also don’t believe Ryder is ready to be a champion. I think he is great at what he’s doing but I just don’t see him as title worthy just yet. One day he really will be. However, I also think that Mason Ryan may be involved to perhaps try and scupper Dolph resulting in a feud between the pair. For that reason only, I’m going to predict Zack Ryder picks up the title and maybe drop it on RAW.

Triple H & CM Punk v The Awesome Truth

A story I’m not actually interested in. I know it’s a shame but I don’t see much point in this match up. I think it would’ve made more sense to make it a handicap match as CM Punk doesn’t come across that he cares all that much about what R Truth and Miz did to him. Either way, I find it hard to believe that Evil John “M’kay” Laurinaitis will step out of this one so I can imagine there will be some tomfoolery afoot! There have been little signs here and there of Laurinaitis being the culprit behind Triple H’s downfall. Notice he’s constantly texting or on the phone… a text message kicked the entire thing off. It’s also weird how the Kevin Nash angle just ended suddenly so I believe he may be involved somehow.

Either way, I don’t see Triple H or CM Punk losing so I say Team Triple Punk will win. I think AFTER the match is when it’ll really go down.

Mark Henry v Big Show (World Heavyweight Championship)

Again, another story I don’t care a lot about. I find Giant V Giant matches very limiting as there are very few moves that can be done. I am a huge fan of what Henry has been doing and I have always liked Big Show but I think that we’re going to get a match that is less quality and more slamming-people-through-tables.

It’s actually hard to pick a winner here but I think that it’d be interesting to see what they do either way. So, just on pure guess, I’m going to say The Big Show picks up the win.

Alberto Del Rio v John Cena (Last Man Standing for WWE Title)

John Cena is an expert in Last Man Standing matches and is often victorious in them. They are usually great matches and his matches with Umaga and Batista with this stipulation are a good indication of the quality. I am a Cena fan and I don’t rate Del Rio highly but even I must admit he’s done a sterling job recently. Either way, it’s clear that these two have a lot to fight out and there can only be one winner.

I think that winner will be John Cena.

But… what do you think? Who will win what? Let me know via comments, Twitter or Tumblr.

XO-WB

World Walkout Entertainment

So RAW this week was extremely interesting. Before I go into it, you’re probably wondering where my Hell In A Cell recap is. Well FUCK YOU, YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER. No, for reals, I’m going to have a big post coming up with a mega gallery. I’ve just been having a REAL LIFE. SO SORRY FOR LIVING. God. You’re so mean.

So yeah, RAW. Bit odd but ultimately awesome.

The show began not so awesome because it was a Randy Orton match. I get the whole SuperShow concept but it does feel like RAW is just becoming Smackdown Lite. Either way, Orton faced off against Drew McIntyre and I guess we all kinda knew where that was going. In fact, I’m pretty sure Drew has been buried more times than the Undertaker now. Orton picked up the win but it wasn’t over as Mark Henry came down to the ring. Orton jumped out and began to attack Henry so security ran down to break it up. What seemed like 1000000000 hours later and after Orton finished displaying his athleticism, things were broken up. Also, John Laurinaitis was there. I swear, that dude gets more TV time than anybody ever.

After Henry quickly recovered over an advert break (or commercial if you’re of an American persuasion) it was time for his match. I think WWE.com should do a regular segment called “Who Gonna Get Squashed By Henry” where Henry throws a chicken wing at a dart board to pick his next victim. This time it was John Morrison who actually looked like he was going to win… until, y’know, he didn’t.

Henry then took to the mic for a “chilling” (no, really. That’s what they called it. I just don’t find the guy scary) promo. He talked about the Hall Of Pain and all that kinda stuff. The thing is, we already knew Big Show was coming back because they already said so… it kinda buries the lead.

Backstage it was Team Lawsuit in a rage
They weren’t happy with COO Triple H
John Laurinaitis tried to calm them down
But they said that they wanted this sorted right now
So with that they left the office to head to the ring
And Laurinaitis just decided to start texting
In the ring they told the world of their troubles
How HHH just keeps on bursting their bubbles
After multiple speeches and a bunch of legal spiel
Triple H came down and told them to get real
He said in the good old days men used to fight
And it’s time that these guys got something right
He doesn’t care about lawsuits or idol threats
He just wants the audience to have the best
So with that he left and the lawsuit team were unhappy
Buckle up, ya’ll things are about to get nasty.

Then it was Kelly Kelly & Eve v Beth Phoenix & Natalya. The match barely got underway when Beth threw Kelly out of the ring. Kelly, however, wasn’t taking no shit and just started screaming and smashing Beth into the announce table. She totally went Carrie-at-the-prom and it was actually kind of awesome. I’ve not seen Kelly pound someone like that since ____________ (insert your own joke here). The match ended in a no contest!

Backstage, Triple H was talking to John Laurinaitis (m’kay) and John wasn’t happy that Triple H knocked him over at Hell In A Cell. God, this guy. Anyway, John said that Trips should get a vote of confidence from the locker room. Trips was totally against the idea until John went all childish and asked him if he was just scared. Triple H reacted by grabbing Laurinaitis’ tie and saying the only thing he was scared of was that the guy he was working for was undermining him. Oooh, bitch, things just got real. He then told him to round up the troops for a vote later. OMGZ, SO EXCITIN!!11

Santino Marella returned and had a match with Jinder Mahal. That’s all I’m saying. I just… no.

We then got shown a YouTube clip in which Miz and R Truth apologise to the WWE Universe because they’re suing. They basically say that Trips is totes ineffective and that it’s time someone took a stand. The best part? Someone had commented “KAYFABE LIVES!” and it showed up. Aweeesssommmmeee.

Then it was the longest match in the history of ever. Well… in recent history anyway. A 12-man Tag Team match that lasted near 40 minutes. I know. It was Team Cena (Sheamus, Kofi, Evan, CM Punk, Mason Ryan and Cena) against Team Christian (Ziggler, Swagger, Cody Rhodes, Del Rio, Otunga and Christian). Is it just me or are they kinda stepping on the set-up for Survivor Series? I mean, really. Pfft. Anyways, Team Cena won. It was a really good match actually so go watch it.

Then came the final, amazing segment. I really would say just watch it but in basic terms: everyone walked out. It began with all the superstars and referees coming out. Triple H gave a speech about how things may seem crazy but it’s under control. Wade Barrett took to the mic first and complained that things were out of control and that they were getting beaten up in car parks and shit. Triple H pointed out that it wasn’t so long ago when Barrett was doing that. Then the referees spoke up and basically said they’re not safe anymore and Trips wasn’t doing anything to help that. Then Beth Phoenix totally blew her own character by declaring that they were “just girls” and felt scared by the big scary men. Then Christian stuck the boot in. For some reason, Jerry Lawler turned up to lead the charge and basically said that he’s never had someone attack him like this before (um, Sheamus… Nexus… come on Jerry) and then said his vote was a no. Then everyone said no and slowly began walking out. This was then followed by camera men laying down cameras until the last people left were Triple H and JR. JR glared at Triple H for a moment then got up and walked out.

It was epic. So, onwards to next week. They’re pretty much saying that Triple H runs RAW and Teddy Long runs Smackdown. Triple H is COO so I dunno how that works but RAW is going to be amazing. See you back here for the recap.

XO-WB