Rumble-eveable Predictions

Hey everyone! No Friday Fitties gallery this week due to an issue with the video feed. The images aren’t great quality and I like to provide the best. Instead, here are my predictions for this year’s Royal Rumble.

The 30-Man Royal Rumble Match

There’s a lot of speculation over who it could be. This year WWE have really pushed the fact that literally ANYONE can enter the Royal Rumble. This opens up the PPV in many ways because it means that people can do double duty. So, it means that the guys already in matches can enter.

There is a lot of talk about the winner being either Chris Jericho or Randy Orton. I think there’s a lot of weight behind the Chris Jericho argument. He’s made it very clear that the world as we know it is going to change. In fact, it’s almost like the WWE is TRYING to tell us he’s going to win. Then there’s Randy Orton. He’s back after an injury but his feud with Wade Barrett seems far from over as their match on Smackdown was a non-starter. I don’t think either Randy Orton is going to be the winner. As I feel Randy Orton doesn’t have any fire behind him. Nobody WANTS him to be a champion. I have a feeling Orton is going to eliminate Barrett and Barrett will eliminate Orton.

My money is on Chris Jericho. My reasons for which I will list below.

WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO

CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler w/Special Guest Referee J-Lau (WWE Championship)

So, a simple segue into this discussion. There’s a lot of theory around this match and what will happen. J-Lau has already been told that if he screws Punk then he won’t have a job. I’ve been talking about my Y2J/Stephanie McMahon theory for a very long time now and I believe it’ll tie into this match… I think that Stephanie is working against Triple H. Triple H as COO was actually pretty fair and, it turns out, is pro-Punk. In fact, when Otunga read out the letter on Raw, Punk said that Triple H was going to come back and do the right thing. This is where I feel Stephanie will be involved. She doesn’t want to do the right thing; she doesn’t want a guy like Punk as champion. I believe she’s the girl in the It Begins videos.

So how does that tie into this match? I think that the match will be real good; I think it’ll be great but I think it’ll end in a DQ. How exactly that will happen, I’m not too sure. I’m presuming it’s going to involve J-Lau being knocked out and Triple H bringing another referee to the ring who catches Vickie or Swags getting involved. Either way, it’ll be a DQ.

Everyone will be pissed off. I then think that Jericho will be helped in the Rumble. I think that it could possibly end up with Kevin Nash and Chris Jericho as the final two contestants and Nash throws himself over. Or, possibly, the lights will go down (all but Jericho’s jacket) and then everyone will have been eliminated declaring Jericho the winner.

Then on Raw we’ll get the reveal… as Triple H goes to fire J-Lau he’s interrupted by Chris Jericho AND… his wife. She says that she has control from the Board, which she’s been behind it all along, Trips is weak etc.

WINNER: CM PUNK

Daniel Bryan v The Big Show v Mark Henry [ Triple Threat Steel Cage Match] (World Heavyweight Championship)

An interesting feud here that has one prong too many. I think that they’re trying to work Mark Henry into the match so he’s still seen as dominant, but at the same time, it’s distracting from the real story where we’re supposed to decide who is turning heel.

It’s very clear that Daniel Bryan is becoming an asshole. But it’s Big Show who is also showing change. He’s gotten angrier, louder, more unpredictable. Nothing makes anybody crazier that guilt.

The other problem we have is that every time Show and Henry have a match, something gets broken. So I think it’s safe to assume that this isn’t going to be much of a cage match.

I also think that AJ will be wheeled to the ring in a neck brace, looking very injured and that will distract The Big Show.

So who will win? I predict that The Big Show will take out Mark Henry but the ruckus between the two ends up slightly hurting AJ. Show goes to check on her (this is presuming they break the cage) and AJ stands up and kicks him in the nuts. Bryan gets a few chair shots in, rolls him into the ring and makes Show tap.

Bryan and AJ celebrate… the new heel couple.

WINNER: DANIEL BRYAN

John Cena v Kane

This has been a storyline I’ve not cared much for but it’ll be an interesting match. Cena’s angry poopface indicated that he was starting to snap and all along Kane has been trying to get him to embrace the hate.

I think this match will end with Cena getting DQ’d… he goes too far and really rips into Kane. Referees, trainers etc and throws aside by a furious Cena who then pulverises Kane. Cena is finally held back and realises what he’s become whilst Kane gets up on his feet, laughs and sets off his pyro… his mission complete.

WINNER: KANE

So, they’re my predictions… what are yours? Hit me up!

Stroke Your Big Red Monster

As always, a recap brings a gallery.

Don’t say I don’t give you anything.

XO-WB

John Laurinait-GTS

Raw this week was fun and a great lead in for Royal Rumble. I enjoyed it but it has to be said, it also bought the LOLs. So what happened? Well read on.

Raw opened up with CM Punk who was ready to give comment on John Laurinaitis’ revelation that he WILL screw Punk at the Royal Rumble. A revelation similar to a gay porn star… everybody saw it coming. Punk was, obviously, livid and said that he wanted J-Lau to come say it to his face. He kept repeating that. I have a feeling that Alex Riley was somewhere backstage hoping that I’d bring on a chant but… it didn’t.

What it did was bring out John Cena who was sporting one of his many LOLworthy faces. This time he was Serious Cena. He told Punk he was sick of him whining and wanted action. He said that J-Lau was going to come down, give Ryder a rematch, give him a match v Kane that night AND at the Royal Rumble and THEN he would resign. Let’s hold the phone for a minute. I’m totally pro-Cena. I think the guy is a genius who is unfairly lambasted by the WWE Fans. However, if you fuck with J-Lau, you fuck with me. I WILL not have my SMS buddy compromised. You hear me, Cena? I simply would not survive if my telephonic ROFLcopters with J-Lau were no longer.

Anyways, J-Lau came down and said that he regretted nothing last week. Tee-hee. He told Cena that the Ryder thing was a mistake and that he should get over it. He’s so right, let it go Cena. I have a feeling Cena is a step away from going all Adele and releasing an album. I guess his idea of Rolling In The Deep is something completely different. J-Lau said that Cena will get his match against Kane at Royal Rumble but Ryder will face Kane live on Raw. Cena was livid but Punk moreso when Laurinaitis declared there would be a tag match! Their opponents? Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger.

Ziggler took to the mic to explain that Punk needs to start worrying about him. He then handed Swagger the mic and yelled “TELL ‘EM SWAGS”. I hereby declare that Jack Swagger will be now known as Swags. So Swags and Ziggler got into the ring and the match got under way. It was relatively shenanigan free but the action began to heat up as it looked like Punk was about to pick up the win. However, he pushed a referee aside and J-Lau wasn’t happy with this obvious breach of rules. He had been at ringside the entire match and wasn’t going to put up with it. He got up on the apron, as Punk climbed the ropes, and yelled at Punk. Punk reacted violently (I’m still mad about that btw. Leave J-Lau ALONE) but it allowed Ziggler to roll Punk up for the win… again.

It was clearly Punk’s own fault; however, he had the audacity to blame J-Lau for his problems and demanded the two sort it face-to-face in a match. J-Lau agreed!

Next we had a Jericho Highlight Reel. This was Jericho’s long-running chat show but it came with its own complications due to Jericho’s vow of silence (other than C’MOONNN and YEAHHHH of course). After doing his usual mugging of the audience (not literally) he then played us all a clip. It showed his debut and his two big returns. Interestingly, all of them were viral-based. Something we already guessed. Anyways, Jericho kept shushing the audience which was needed. Bit of a sidenote but who was that bitch that kept screaming throughout the show? I swear to God, it was so annoying. At one point I thought she was getting raped. It was ridiculous. Back to the action, Jericho finally spoke announcing that the Royal Rumble will be “the end of the world as we know it.” Ooh I say.

Backstage we got a glimpse of Zack Ryder who was nervous about his upcoming falls count anywhere match against Kane. His girlfriend and scene-ruiner Eve was also there.  Mick Foley turned up too and told Zack that Kane may be scary but deep down he’s human. Which kind of goes against the fact that he’s meant to be supernatural (unless he’s pre-recorded). Eve then begged Zack not to do the match whilst I was hoping Kane would come do that face smothering thing on me so I didn’t have to sit through anymore of Eve’s acting. Then John Cena came up to tell Zack that he’d help him. Zack was all “keep out of it, bro.” How rude.

The match was immediately after and Ryder barely got an offense in. Kane beat Ryder mercifully and the two ended up on the stage. After slamming Ryder into the big WWE logo, he then slammed him through the stage. I am a huge fan of people being put through the stage. I love it, and I don’t care what that makes me. This then resulted in 10 minutes of bad acting as Ryder was wheeled backstage and Cena appeared sporting his new “concerned yet angry” face. Ryder, the medics, Eve and Cena went backstage where an ambulance was waiting. I just want to say that I wish the WWE would run the emergency services in the UK because, man are their response times quick. Anyhoo, as Ryder was loaded into the ambulance, Eve told Cena it was entirely his fault. Jeez, pressure a guy much? Maybe if Eve was less annoying and better in the sack, Zack wouldn’t feel the need to bust a nut in the ring. Sort of.

Cena was obviously upset which was clearly a great time for Josh Matthews to conduct an interview. Matthews has worse timing than Ashton Kutcher taking a holiday when his ex-wife is in hospital. Cena wasn’t up for an interview the result of which is my favourite Cena face ever. It was his “I’M SO ANGRY I MAY HAVE SHIT MYSELF” face. Adore.

For some reason, nobody at WWE has cottoned onto the fact that Jinder Mahal sucks and he’s bringing Sheamus down. The two had a match; Wade Barrett was on commentary… Sheamus won. He challenged Wade. Wade refused. Basically, I went to the bathroom.

We then went backstage to The Miz who was also stating how he was going to win the Royal Rumble. There have been Royal Rumblings that Miz was being put back as a mid-carder because of his attitude. CM Punk also recently slammed him in a radio interview. I actually think it’s more to do with Miz’s international press tour but whatever. Miz was letting the world know that he is going to be a champion again because, quite simply, he was the number one most must see WWE superstar. Which perhaps is the number one most complicated title to give yourself. R Truth, however, had a different ideas and turned up in glasses and an ill-fitting white shirt. He said he was from WWE Marketing which I refuse to believe actually exists. He said that Miz was actually number one annoying, whining and number one nincompoop. He also said he rated highly as W.E.I.O meaning what else is on. Something I asked myself during the segment. The answer? Nothing. R Truth ended his insulting rant by calling The Miz a Jackass. I’d happily like to jack his ass. I’d also like to apologise for that awful wordplay. As Miz and Truth got heated, J-Lau turned up as they were distracting him from preparing for his match. It actually looked like Otunga had just give him a handjob but whatevs. J-Lau said that the two will have a match and the loser will be the #1 entrant in the Royal Rumble. Interesting.

We then returned to ringside where William Regal joined commentary. Then it was Funkasaurus time as Brodus Clay danced his way into the ring. He was sporting a white tracksuit this time. I’m not going to lie; I’ve actually been practicing my Funkasaurus dance moves. So far I’ve broken 2 lamps and 4 bones. Regal was bringing the announcing LOLs after referring to Brodus as “septic tripe”. Something which, I know from experience, is served in Blackpool Chip Shops. Brodus went up against One Man Rockband or as I call it One Man Bad Gimmick Heath Slater. Brodus won. I danced. Also, if there are any doctors that read this, next time you declare someone dead, please instead just say “SOMEONE CALL HIS MOMMA.” Oh and record it. Thanks.

Then we had the R Truth v The Miz match. Now before I said that the stipulation was interesting. If you don’t remember what you read two paragraphs ago, J-Lau declared that the loser of the match would be the #1 entrant into the Royal Rumble. Something you’d think would be a disadvantage. Howwwevverrrrr, during the commercial break between the Brodus match and The Miz match, we were given a Royal Rumble by-the-numbers vignette. This told us that the #1 entrant and the #30 entrant had both gained the same number of Rumble wins. Meaning that, actually, it’s a GOOD omen. I know, mind blown, right? Anyways, it was a good match and R Truth won meaning The Miz is the #1 entrant.

We were then told by Michael Cole that Zack Ryder has suffered a broken back. I guess this means you’re on top, Eve.

Backstage, J-Lau was getting warmed up when Otunga walked in and handed him a letter. J-Lau looked like he’d seen a ghost or perhaps Otunga had shown him a picture of Jennifer Hudson from when she was fat.

In the meantime, CM Punk made his way to the ring for his match. J-Lau turned up all the same but announced that the match won’t go ahead. The letter was, in fact, from the WWE Board Of Directors who are the best board of directors ever. Have you ever heard of a Board Of Directors who can get together AND agree on something so quick? Also, why do they only ever assemble during Monday Night Raw? Ask yourselves that. He told Punk that the BODs had said that J-Lau’s job was under review and would be reviewed next week by COO Triple H. He then tried to make good on his previous misdeeds by putting Foley in the Rumble and extending his apologies to Punk. He EVEN tried to make things right by giving Punk a match against Otunga there and then. But NO, Punk wasn’t happy and, after making Otunga tap to the Anaconda Vice, he then went after J-Lau. Being the calm person he is, J-Lau extended his hand and Punk shook it… only to bring J-Lau into the Go To Sleep. Interestingly, J-Lau went to sleep whilst he was over Punk’s shoulders.

CM Punk celebrated his despicable move but was soon brought down by Dolph Ziggler. TAKE THAT. #HEEL.

I just hope Triple H decides that J-Lau is doing stellar work. I couldn’t do without him. Forget Ryder’s back… the biggest break will be the one suffered by my heart.

I loved Raw but what did you think? You know what to do.

XO-WB

Why SOPA Could Kill The WWE

The proposed SOPA bill has been on the minds of everyone. We’ve seen the protests, read the arguments and we’ve all had that Michael Jackson spam thing on Facebook (they post a picture of him and say that somebody could get more jail time for posting that picture than Conrad Murray got for killing him). But, it’s very easy to not care when it’s so generalised. Right now the internet is in a state of hysteria but what if we personalise it to something we all love; the WWE.

The WWE has spent recent years focussing on its “community”. They’ve set up the WWE Universe, they post people’s tweets, and their superstars follow their fansites. It’s no mystery that WWE hate dirt sheets. They often spoil upcoming storylines; speculate about personal lives and their users bitch and moan about everything the WWE does. These people have become known as the Internet Wrestling Community (the IWC). It could be argued the IWC isn’t a new thing, it’s been around since the AOL years but I believe it is in the past 5 or so years that it’s really become a thing. Sure, the WWE trialled giving their fans a say with Cyber Sunday but there was still that block: this is what we do, like it or lump it.

These days, it’s the WWE fans that MAKE the superstars. It was Twitter/YouTube users that made Zack Ryder get noticed, it was the on-going hate blogs against Cena that’s causing him to make what is seemingly a heel turn. The WWE needs the IWC to survive. It could be argued that Wrestlebitch is also part of the IWC and I guess you’re right. But users of my site will noticed something, something I’m very famous for; I screencap WWE shows. I’m unapologetic about this because I don’t upload entire episodes, I don’t spoil the shows, I simply use the images to promote the WWE. A company I love. So far, I’ve not received any complaint from WWE. Heck, even its superstars have engaged with me. But, if SOPA were to be introduced, the IWC as we know it could be destroyed.

If you look at most WWE blogs/dirtsheets/fansites you’ll see copyrighted image after image. For years now the WWE has let that happen unattested. Truth is, there’s that many of them they probably don’t want the legal cost of it. I’m not saying WWE always treats their fans well but I’ve never seen a major story of WWE trying to take down a site. Because they know they need us. If we’re not posting images, recaps, articles, then WWE isn’t relevant. SOPA could take the decision out of WWE’s hands because, potentially, it could take down YouTube, Tumblr, WordPress the list goes on. These are all integral to the IWC.

You’re probably sitting there thinking it’s an over-reaction. Surely the WWE will benefit from it because people will go to WWE.com. And you’re right. People would have no choice but to flock to the website but that has its own problems. WWE.com articles are based on Superstar’s current gimmicks. They don’t break kayfabe. They don’t discuss if the shows are actually good. They can’t really comment on rumour. The fact of the matter is, without the IWC, the WWE can’t get any real feedback.

BUT WHAT ABOUT RATINGS?!? I hear you cry. And to that I roll my eyes heavily. The ratings system is an antiquated one desperate for an update. We don’t watch TV like we used to, it’s no longer appointment TV. We DVR it, we watch it online, we buy it on iTunes… the ratings for WWE will always be low compared to the past because the demographic is younger, smarter and more aware of the different platforms in which the WWE can be enjoyed.

So I beg of you, sign petitions, kick up a fuss. SOPA may be delayed but I can guarantee that congress will try to slip this in via some other re-worked and cleverly-worded legislation. If you don’t care about how it effects everything else then just think of the WWE. Do you really think the WWE can survive without the IWC?

Because I don’t.

Code Red

Before I even got chance to watch Smackdown, I was alerted to the fact there would be a Cody Rhodes/Justin Gabriel match. I was, quite frankly, wet with anticipation. The match-up didn’t disappoint and I had to watch it 4 times to see the whole thing as I kept getting, um, distracted. Here’s hoping that once the Goldust stupidity is over, C-Rho and J-Gay whip themselves up a little feud.

This match, along with others, have all been screencapped for your viewing pleasure.

XO-WB

Dolph-Finish Me Off

This week’s Raw was certainly enjoyable but it wasn’t just the matches that were a pleasure to watch.

It was also fun to check out the male action.

Here’s the sexiest shots from this week’s Raw.

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La Cage Aux Foley

Hey everyone! This weeks’ Raw was, again, a real doozy. It had everything I love from a torn John Cena, a bruised Zack Ryder, a sexy Dolph Ziggler and a furious J-Lau. But why did I love it so? Well, I guess you’re gonna find out.

The show started with Justin Roberts introducing a New York Times Bestseller. It had been confirmed online that blogger Perez Hilton was to appear on Raw. Perez in the WWE is interesting because in the past couple of years Perez has made his blog PG resulting in getting more fans. It also turned him into a self-righteous, ass-kissing, good for nothing douchebag with nothing interesting to say. That’s right; I just did a shoot on Perez Hilton. More on him later. Anyways, it wasn’t Perez but Mick Foley.

Foley came to the ring and said that he was there to express his intention to enter the Royal Rumble. In recent years, the eligibility to enter Royal Rumble has been lacking. There used to be fierce contests to see who would get to be the number 30 entry and the entire thing, as a whole, was built up much better. That’s WWE’s problem with their PPVs… they just don’t give them any weight. Anyways, Mick said that his kids were now old enough to enjoy their Dad in the ring and he wanted to do it for them. Mick was then interrupted by the man I’m going to cheat on my future husband Cody Rhodes with… Dolph Ziggler. The usually sexy Dolph Ziggler, though, came down looking like a villain in a gay porn version of a James Bond movie.

Dolph said that it wasn’t fair for Mick to come in and expect a place in the Rumble just because he wanted to make his kids proud because Mick was nothing but a glorified stuntman. ZING! Dolph is getting SO good on the mic. He continued slamming Mick saying he didn’t want to beat Punk at Royal Rumble and be forced to face Mick at Wrestlemania as that would be a let-down. ZING 2! He then told Foley to go away. The two men were interrupted by CM Punk. Punk immediately launched into Dolph saying that he and Mick break the mould and that they don’t hide behind a woman. He then called Vickie a “poor excuse” for a woman. Eurgh, seriously? Vickie is beautiful, strong and intelligent. This is just a reminder that sometimes Punk isn’t always a God on the mic. He continued his strange rant by calling my new BFF and text buddy, John Laurinaitis a “cross dresser”. No, me either.

J-Lau wasn’t taking this shit anymore and came to make an announcement. He said that he was a fair man and that he’d take Mick’s request under consideration. After taking a minute or two to think about it, he said no. Oh J-Lau. You put a tingle in my dingle.

The first match of the night was AirBoom v Primo & Epico for the Tag Titles. AirBoom dropped the title at a house show because Evan was too busy breaking the wellness policy. Dude, get help. The re-match was OK but it was clear Evan was distracted (this was probably his last match in WWE). AirBoom lost, Primo & Epico kept the titles and Evan probably went backstage to either snort, inject or ingest a little happy.

Backstage, David Otunga handed J-Lau and envelope and told him someone was outside. J-Lau told whoever it was that they’d be in the main event. A 6 Man tag match which would be David Otunga, Mark Henry & Dolph Ziggler vs Daniel Bryan, CM Punk and him. But who was he talking to? Oh yes, it was Y2J Chris Jericho who smiled, turned out the lights and switched on his jacket. Oh JeriTroll.

In the interview area, Josh Matthews chatted to Zack Ryder who wasn’t happy about having to defend his US Title. You see, last week, Zack embraced the crates as he was chokeslammed off a loading bay by Kane. This has now hurt his ribs and he’s all bandaged up and what not. His lady lover Eve wasn’t happy either but told Ryder she’d accompany him to the ring. Aww. I mean, if I was Ryder, I’d steer well clear of that bitch. Have you noticed that bad things only tend to happen to him when she’s around?

The US Title match took place right away with Jack Swagger all fired up. You can tell when Swagger is excited because, well, his onesie is REAL tight so he’s always packing a little more… Swagger. Anyways, Ryder came out and could barely do his over-excited WOO WOO WOO thing. It was hilarious. It’s like someone shot a deer in its leg (suck it PETA). Swagger went right to work and Ryder couldn’t do anything about it. In all fairness to Ryder, it took THREE gutwrench powerbombs to finish him off. Swagger picked up the win and the title.

We went backstage after the break to Zack Ryder writhing in pain as a trainer looked at him. J-Lau came in to apologise. Turns out, the envelope that Otunga gave him was actually a medical letter telling him that Ryder didn’t have medical clearance. J-Lau said there was nothing he could do when that SuperSkank Eve got all up in his grill. J-Lau took a strong stance and told her to shut her mouth. YEY J-LAU!

Divas action time which sadly started with a special guest ring announcer, Perez Hilton. I’m not even going to go into the fact they’re paired a gay guy with women like he’s their gay BFF because that’s a whole other essay. Perez introduced Kelly Kelly & Alicia Fox and their opponents The Bella Twins. The match is how you’d expect. Short, botchy and boring. Things began to heat up when The Bellas went for Twin Magic and Perez grabbed the one playing possum by the legs and dragged her out the ring. Oh you didn’t know? Violence against women isn’t allowed in WWE unless it’s a gay dude because they’re, like, not real men. ARGH! Things went from annoying to infuriating when the Bellas squared up against Perez after the match. He raised his fists to them and then they pushed him over. It was like a Looney Tunes cartoon. I mean… just ARGH.

R Truth was then ready to bring the crazy but as he went to speak, Wade Barrett interrupted. He said that he and R Truth were official Royal Rumble entrants and that R Truth was too crazy to win. R Truth told Barrett to “hold the phone” because Little Jimmy just axed, not asked but axed, him to axe Barrett if he knows he talks funny. Truth then told an angry Barrett he needs to put a smile on his face as they were near Disneyland. Cue hilarious slideshow of Truth meeting several characters the last one being Pinocchio. According to R Truth, when he asked Pinocchio if Barrett was going to win the Royal Rumble, his nose grew. LOL. The Miz then ran in and beat Truth down but Sheamus ran in to even the odds. Teddy Long came out to announce it would be a tag match. WAIT, WHAT?! OMG. CURVEBALL. Long actually announced it’d be an over-the-top-rope challenge. R Truth won.

Backstage once more when John Cena burst into J-Lau’s office and started yelling at him. J-Lau got all upset and said he made a mistake and that he was only human. YEAH! TELL ‘IM J-LAU! He then said that Cena would get to face Kane at Royal Rumble but first he needed to let off steam and that he’d get to face Jack Swagger. Next. Oh J-Lau. You’re so fair.

The Cena/Swagger match barely happened because Cena went crazy. I mean, full blown aggression. He smashed Swagger’s head into everything in sight, completely KO’d him and then dragged him to the stairs. It looked like Cena was about to end Swagger’s career but Kane’s music hit. Cena ran into the ring but Kane was just appearing via video. Kane said Cena had finally embraced the hate. He then did his arm pyro thing but it was badly timed which was hilariawkward.

Then Funkasaurus Brodus Clay defeated JTG. Oh Brodus, I adore your dancing.

It was main event time but before it all kicked off, Daniel Bryan had a few things to say. For those that don’t know, on last week’s Smackdown, Big Show ran into Bryan’s girlfriend AJ who looked like she’d been killed. Bryan said that Show did it deliberately to help him get the World Heavyweight Title. He told Show not to show up on Smackdown or he’d get his revenge.

Then it was match time and it was a good one. Everyone, however, were waiting for one thing; Y2J to get in the ring. The big moment finally happened and Jericho was tagged in. He ran around the ring, got the fans worked up, tagged himself out and then left the ring. It was kinda funny. The match continued but then Mick Foley arrived to take Jericho’s place. Foley defeated Otunga to get the win.

J-Lau came out, however, to stop the celebrations. The next 12 minutes that unfolded were too good to be recapped so here, in full, is what went down. I’d watch it if I were you.

So there we have it. J-Lau cracked and Punk is getting screwed at the Royal Rumble but surely it’s not all that straight forward…

Until next time,

XO-WB

Get Your Posse Wet

This week’s Smackdown was a fantastic show. I really, really enjoyed it (omg at the ending too!) but Smackdown on Wrestlebitch isn’t about the action in the ring, it’s about the action that makes your ring tingle.

Here’s a gallery of the hottest moments from our Friday Fitties.

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Me Likey The Shiny

With a brilliant RAW came some brilliant PHWOAR moments. From John Cena’s sexy roars to Dolph Ziggler’s shiny trunks… RAW really embrace the gays.

So, enjoy a gallery of the best pics.

Don’t say I never give you anything!

XO-WB

Embrace The Crate

So this week’s RAW was an interesting one and you know what? I enjoyed every second of it. I’m not loving the Kane superpower thing nor the Jericho return but things are certainly improving.

The show began with a recap of the whole “dragged into hell” thing from last week. Then Kane came out and said how he was angry people weren’t embracing the hate. He said that we all wake up next to our wives and we’re filled with hate. He said we deal with our kids and filled with further hate. I don’t have a wife or any kids so what am I filled with? Ah yes; doughnuts, vodka and sadness. He continued that when people chant Cena Sucks that we’re actually saying that WE suck. I do suck. I suck good, gurl. He said that it’s time Cena faced the consequences of not embracing hate.

Then Cena came down and was all “oh really?” then ran to the ring. He and Kane went at it and the fight went backstage, through the area, to a loading dock. The two traded punches and Cena grabbed a crowbar and hit Kane around the knees. Kane threw Cena into a bunch of boxes and then disappeared. I HATE when men do that.

Next up was Sheamus & Santino Morella vs Wade Barrett & Jinder Mahal. I’ve no idea why they bother giving Mahal a push. His character is stale and the whole angry Indian thing is so over-done it’s not even funny. The match, however, was won when Santino hit the cobra. That’s right, Santino picked up a win. Trust me, this wasn’t the strangest thing of the night.

We went backstage once more this time to The Miz who wasn’t very happy with my new BFF and SMS-Master John Laurinaitis or as I call him, J-Lau. J-Lau laughed off Miz’s issues saying that he had bigger fish to fry. Miz said that R Truth was out of control and he needed security. J-Lau denied this request and told him to find his own. Then came the killer line, he said he wasn’t being a Little Jimmy… he’s Big Johnny! HA! J-Lau, you’re killing me dude.

We then had the first announcement for who was to be inducted into the Hall Of Fame. The first inductee was to be Edge. Congrats!

Backstage once more to The Miz trying to convince Mason Ryan to be his bodyguard. Either that or he was asking for a blow job because Ryan looked dressed for a night at a gay bar. Ryan laughed off the request and went into the locker room.

We then went further backstage to Zack Ryder who was telling his Dad that he’s scared about Kane but excited about Eve. Eve then turned up and Ryder asked her out on a date. An awkward pause later, and Eve accepted. The two were set to go after Eve’s big match with Beth Phoenix. Eve left, followed by Ryder but they weren’t allow because a door swung open and, I swear to God I don’t make this shit up, Kane peered around the side of the door. I mean, it was frickin’ hilarious.

It was match time with Kofi Kingston going up against a shady Daniel Bryan. Shady because on Smackdown he had a title match against The Big Show and got himself DQ’d by winding up Mark Henry who was breathing heavily into the microphone on commentary. So the match was over in a flash with Kofi tapping out to the LeBell Lock. It was pretty much a Divas Match (oh no he didn’… oh yes I did).

After the match The Big Show came out to confront the shady D-Bry about what he was playing at on Smackdown. Bryan immediately apologised and said that he wishes it didn’t end that way. Show said that’s a good job as they have a no-DQ, no-countout rematch. Uhhh ohhh.

Then it was time for the debut we’ve all been waiting for. Brodus Clay. For weeks we’ve been teased that the big man would eventually return and lo and behold this time he would. Things started off a little weird as Justin Roberts bellowed “making his much anticipated debut, from the planet funk weighing in at…” So for a moment I sat there, confused. The planet funk? I laughed it off as silly America but then he continued “the Funkasaurus, BRODUS CLAY”. The next 5+ minutes were a blur of red velour, strange dance moves and flashing lights. Brodus had returned as what seemed like The Godfather if he had a thyroid problem. He beat Curt Hawkins in a squash match and then danced some more. It was so, so, so strange but oh so good. Like trying anal for the first time or that thing I did with my cousin.

Things got weirder as we were subjected to Zack Ryder brushing his teeth in a sink. When Zack bent down to spit (hello!) we saw Kane in the corner. It was like George Michael had gone a bit crazy and put on a mask. This entire thing is becoming a bit of a homo-erotic horror movie.

Meanwhile, away from crazy land, The Miz approached Primo and Epico and asked for their services to protect him. It’s funny because used condoms provide better protection than these two morons. The two men went away and Miz was left reeling, only for CM Punk to come along and laugh at him. Miz used to be a WWE Champion. Now he’s just a chump. Me no likey.

Next was CM Punk v Jack Swagger. Before the match got under way, my BFF and SMS-Master J-Lau came down to the ring. He said that he wanted the Royal Rumble to be a fair bout so if Punk won, both Jack Swagger and Vickie Guerrero would be banned from ringside. He also told Dolph he has a match against Cena. Then he went to stand and watch the match. Such a good guy, supporting Punk the way he is.

The match actually was pretty good and Swagger got to show off his skills since he doesn’t get much chance otherwise. J-Lau spent most of the night texting. He was texting me, btw. The match ended somewhat strangely when the ref mis-counted a 3 count giving CM Punk the win. Many people thought it was a genuine error but I didn’t think so somehow. I think this whole thing is going to be hotly contested. J-Lau then took to the apron to congratulate Punk on his win. SUCH A GOOD GUY!

Backstage, Cena and his new boyfriend (he’s SO over you Orton so stop sending him pictures of your dong) Zack Ryder were chatting. Zack wanted to thank John for supporting him so much and Cena was all “no problem sexy, come here whilst I kiss you”. Ok, that MAY have been the subtext I was seeing. Either way, it was a dumb segment.

Going backstage seemed to be the theme of the night; I was comfortable of this as the backstage is my favourite place to enter. This time it was Ricardo Rodriguez and The Bellas. The Bellas had made Ricardo come to the arena to give him a message to give to Alberto Del Rio. Clearly these bitches are too stupid to use Facebook. They were interrupted by The Miz who wanted Ricardo’s services. He ordered Ricardo to the ring to insult R Truth or he’ll like, totally get beatings.  Ricardo complied and made his way to the ring.

Meanwhile, The Four Horsemen were announced as the next inductees to the Hall Of Fame. Cue the internet going wild with THAT MEANS CHRIS BENOIT, THE MURDERER, IS IN THE HALL OF FAME. No. No it doesn’t. Shut up. It does mean that Ric Flair will be inducted twice. I reckon he probably pawned his first ring.

After that poor Ricardo made his way to the ring to wind up R Truth. He was literally a dead man walking. He said that R Truth’s mother was ugly (ooh bitch) and that Truth had bad breath. Something, I believe, to probably be true. I mean, the man has gold teeth. That’s never a good sign of oral hygiene. I’ll pause a second to ponder thing; when did Ricardo start speaking English? I mean, I know he was out of action after falling off that ladder at TLC but is a Rosetta Stone DVD that quick? Back to the action, R Truth came out and said Little Jimmy had told him Ricardo was a good guy. Then we learnt that the R in R Truth stood for Racist. He made Ricardo sing La Cucaracha. That’s right. Ricardo got really into it and we even got a rrrremix. I had a feeling Mason Ryan had requested the remix. The gays love a remix. Truth then decided he wanted to hear it again “one ‘gain” he said. Ricardo shook his head. “UNO… gain”. OK. This shit is funny. Ricardo stupidly slapped Truth’s mic out of his hand and I feared that we were about to see some sort of Mexican cartel style fight go down but, instead, R Truth just beat on him. The Miz then came to the rescue and beat down Truth. Truth, however, soon bounced back and Miz ran for the hills. Well, the stalls.

After that it was Chris Jericho time. I’d made it clear last week that I wasn’t digging the return of Y2J and that I felt he dragged it out too far last week. Needless to say, the world disagreed with me. But I stand by my dislike. I’m allowed. Jericho came out and did his mugging of the crowd but this time he changed it up. He began crying. This, I LOVED. We’ve seen promo after promo of guys returning or guys leaving where they sobbed in the ring as the crowd cheered. Jericho pounded his chest, a la Edge, to show his thanks. He then left without a word. It lasted a short of amount of time and it just worked so much better. I’m starting to come around.

Then it was time for Divas action. Eve made her way to the ring to face Beth Phoenix to earn a shot at the title. But when it was Beth’s turn to come out, Kane’s music and pyro hit and Eve stood scared… there was nowhere to go. The ever loving Zack Ryder ran out and rescued Eve. The couple ran to the back in what became a horror movie. I was half expected Eve to break her leg and their overconfident black friend to die. They went to their car in which Ryder discovered a flat tire. Oh no! Who could’ve done that (?!). Eve got into the car and Ryder went about changing the tyre.

Then it was the main event in what promised to be a real homo-erotic affair. Cena vs Dolph. The match actually was really good but it ended when we were shown backstage once more as Ryder desperately tried to fix the tyre. I, personally, would’ve just ran to the front of the area and hailed a cab but hey… I’m no broski. Cena watched, confused but then out of nowhere came Kane! Kane began beating on Ryder and Ziggler held back Cena from rescuing his boyfriend. Cena was forced to watch as Kane chokeslammed Ryder off the edge of the loading bay into a bunch of crates. You could say, Ryder was made to embrace the crate.

Cena slammed Ziggler into some stairs and ran to rescue Ryder. He was intercepted by Kane who did the hand smothering thing. We ended with a close up of Ryder and Cena both unconscious. It rocked.

So I loved this week’s RAW but what did you think? Hit me up, gurl.

XO-WB