It’s been a crazy week in WWE.
Here’s my take on it…
XO-TWB
Category Archives: Eve
Survivor Series Goes Aw-Ry
Survivor Series was an interesting PPV with many twists and turns but what exactly went down? Well I’m glad you asked because I’ve only gone and done a bloody recap, so I have.
The show began with a bogus bonus elimination match. It was to be what I have dubbed Team Cara: Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd & Brodus Clay vs Team Albert: Lord Tensai, Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. It was actually not a terrible match considering it was rather shoe-horned in and it’s nice to see that they’ve decided to build Tyson and Justin a little further. It did raise some worried over Brodus’ future as he was the only member of Team Cara to be eliminated.
I’m also worried about the Prime Time Player’s eyesight as their tights get uglier and brighter each week. It was a seemingly easy win for Team Cara.
Winner: Team Cara
My Prediction: No prediction due to shoe-in match
Score: 0-0
Backstage we saw Kaitlyn heading to ring until someone in a bad Goldust wig attacked her from behind. Kaitlyn gained the upperhand this time and unveiled the culprit as Aksana. UM… didn’t we already know Aksana was the culprit? Anyways, Eve turned up and said she’d “hate if anything happened to Kaitlyn before the match” to which Kaitlyn pushed Eve over and said the same thing. OMG. RUDE. Eve was trying to be nice.
Then came the actual match itself and I have to say, it was also pretty good. It’s a shame WWE crowds are general douchenozzles and the commentary team didn’t help much either but both women pulled off a good match. The beginning of the end for Kaitlyn began when Eve literally pulled the rug from underneath her. After hitting a neckbreaker, Eve picked up the win and also grabbed herself a little something extra.
Winner: Eve
My Prediction: Eve
Score: 1-0
Backstage once more but this time it was to the Team Foley locker room. All men were basically bickering as WWE tried to get across the “THEY HATE EACH OTHER, LIKE, LOTS” dynamic of the group. Mick tried to intervene and get the guys onside requesting they finger bang each other. However, Orton simply grunted and told Mick he hated him.
The next match was Antonio Cessaro v R Truth. I opted for Team Toilet Break and ignored most of this match. Two very dull men in what was no doubt a very dull match. Cessaro retained.
Winner: Antonio Cessaro
My Prediction: R Truth
Score: 1-1
Monday Night Raw then trickled into the Survivor Series fun with AJ Lee coming to the ring to make good on an earlier promise to reveal Vickie’s unsavoury antics. I and many others presumed they were going to finally reveal the hypocrisy of Vickie accusing AJ of getting too close to a superstar, *cough* Dolph Ziggler *cough*, but instead AJ went down the photoshop route of putting up fake images of Vickie in compromising positions. AJ missed a few tricks with it but it was kinda funny. Vickie was furious and AJ reminded her Vickie wasn’t allowed to hit her. Then, inexplicably, Tamina came to the ring to beat down AJ. M’kay…
Josh Matthews was then backstage interviewing Paul Heyman and questioned CM Punk’s ability to win the match. Heyman took offense, obvs, and launched into a beautiful diatribe about Punk’s achievements and how he’ll continue to achieve etc etc. It was beautiful but there’s only so much recapping of an interview you can do, y’know?
It was then time for Sheamus and Big Show to go head-to-head. I haven’t been uber keen on this whole feud but the two have had some interesting matches for sure. Sheamus had been all over WWE adverts played throughout the show and I was beginning to see them as some sort of clue. It looked like I was right as Sheamus managed to get the big man down but, as Sheamus went to hit the Brogue Kick, Big Show pulled the ref infront of him. Scott Armstrong went down like a sack of potatoes and other referees clambered to his side. The bell hadn’t yet been rung so when Big Show hit the WMD and pinned it looked like he’d win. A referee did the three count and everything. However, a different referee changed the decision to make it a Big Show DQ. Ooh, bitch please.
Sheamus then decided to put the beat down on Big Show with a steel chair, obviously symbolising that this thing will head into TLC in a chair match no doubt.
Winner: Sheamus via DQ
My Prediction: Big Show
Score: 1-2
Then it was Team Ziggler v Team Foley time. Many had been looking forward to a sexy reveal of Dolph’s new trunks that he’d previously promised on Twitter.
However, it wasn’t to be but Dolph still looked good. Team Ziggler took the first hit after Damien Sandow got caught with a chokeslam when his plot to abandon his team failed. It looked to be going slowly downhill for Team Ziggler but they soon gained the upperhand and eventually it all came down to Randy Orton and Dolph himself. Orton set on a homoerotic beatdown (aren’t they always?) on Ziggler and it looked like he was going for the punt. I immediately began to cry “NOT THE FACE” but Orton’s plot was thwarted by a well-timed superkick. Ziggler pinned Orton for the win.
Winner: Team Ziggler
My Prediction: Team Foley
Score: 1-3
It was main event time as Ryback, Cena and Punk went head-to-head for the WWE Championship. I was nervous about the bought but my nerves melted when I realised how hot Cena looked in his new gear. Anyways, the three men tried their best to make it work with Cena and Punk even teaming up to put Ryback through the announce table.
It looked like the winner of the night would the Spanish Announce Table but, as Ryback got set to pick up the win, three men ran into the ring and beat Ryback and Cena down. They then put Ryback through the Spanish Announce Table.
These three men were the much-talked-about Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns. The Internet fanbase has gone crazy and I’m no doubt going to be seen as a moron for not knowing or caring who they are. I’m going to give this whole thing chance but this just seems to me to be like a new Nexus. I also reckon Brad Maddox will be part of it. Either way, the distraction allowed Punk to pin Cena to retain.
Winner: CM Punk
My Prediction: John Cena
Score: 1-4
Yet again my predictions failed but, oh well! It was an interesting PPV which opened the door for a few fun stories.
Until next time,
XO-TWB
I Will Survive…or…Series…
So tonight, Survivor Series is finally upon us. But who will win what and how? It’s time for my monthly how-wrong-can-I-be predictions!
Pre Show: 3MB v Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd
First of all, WWE.com is calling the Gabriel/Kidd pairing “International Airstrike”. Considering the current situation in the Middle East, WWE are probably best steering away from that little moniker. So who might win? Well, firstly it depends on which two men from 3MB will wrestle. Either way, I’m going to take a punt and predict that Gabriel and Kidd might just clinch it.
Prediction: Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd
Eve vs Kaitlyn (Divas Championship)
This one is interesting as Kaitlyn was meant to get a shot a few months back and was attacked by a mysterious woman in a blonde wig. Kaitlyn assumed that the culprit was Eve. That all seems logical but the story was never truly resolved. Also, with Kelly Kelly gone, WWE are looking at Eve as their face of the WWE on the Divas side of things. After her win on Stars Earn Stripes, I have a feeling that Eve is going to turn face sometime soon.
So, my prediction? I think that Layla will turn on her friend Kaitlyn and ruin the match for her allowing Eve to retain.
Prediction: Eve
Antonio Cessaro v R Truth (US Title)
I must admit, I don’t care for either men in this contest and their feud has bored me rather so I’m going to take a quick guess and say that R Truth becomes the new champion.
Prediction: R Truth
Team Foley v Team Ziggler
The big question in this match is who will replace Cody Rhodes. For those who don’t know, my future husband Cody was victim to a nasty bump when a flip from Kane went awry causing him to hurt his shoulder and suffer a concussion. WWE are yet to name a replacement for Cody and are still advertising him as participating on their official website. Many names have been passed around for who might just replace Cody…
Lord Tensai: this is a possibility. He’s a heel, he’s a beast and he’s someone nobody really cares about. Throw him in, throw him out with no consequence to story or the match.
Likelihood: 8/10
Ted DiBiase Jr: this could be a great chance for Ted to finally get back onto main TV and replacing his former on-screen partner would be fitting but it’d mean having to help out the bad guys!
Likelihood: 6/10
Fandango: the man we’ve all seen trailed on Raw. Originally named Fandangoo, Johnny Curtis’ new gimmick may just may an early debut. It’d be a perfect set up allowing Fandango to utter his catchphrase “mind if I cut in?” and enter the match. However, I’m sure WWE have plans for when they wanted him to debut and may not be up for changing it so late in the game.
Likelihood: 5/10
Jack Swagger: Swags recently took an on-screen break from WWE and hasn’t been seen/heard from recently. It’d be the perfect opportunity to return to the big leagues.
Likelihood: 4/10
Brad Maddox: After failing to win his contract in a match against Ryback on Raw, Brad Maddox might still try to cling to hope. He’s been lighting up Twitter with claims that he’s only second to CM Punk when it comes to length of time in-ring with Ryback and has recently declared himself “2nd best in the world”. Could Maddox win over Ziggler and get a place on the team? It’s an outside possibility that I’m more than willing to entertain!
Likelihood: 3/10
Obviously, WWE may announce the replacement before the PPV and make me look like a complete douchenozzle in the process.
In terms of the actual match, it’s a tough one to call and I believe it could go either way. But there’s obviously a story issue here. Foley’s beef was with Punk and Ziggler was shoe-horned into captaincy with very little interaction with Foley. However, both men have previously clashed so it’s not completely out of the realm of believability. It may, however, be quite fitting that Ziggler is filling Punk’s spot. Maybe Dolph will do it again…
My prediction is that Team Foley will pick up the win.
Prediction: Team Foley
Big Show v Sheamus (World Heavyweight Championship)
Throwing William Regal into the mix was certainly interesting and one has to wonder if that strand has concluded or not. Or could Regal play a part in the match? I doubt it but that’d be cool, right?
Big Show hasn’t held the title very long and Sheamus has just come off a mammoth run. I don’t think there would be much point in Sheamus winning the title back so soon but, it is WWE so who knows? I’m going to err on the side of caution and predict that Show retains… but could there be a surprise around the corner. Read on…
Prediction: Big Show
CM Punk v Ryback v John Cena (WWE Title)
So, I alluded to it earlier. I think that there will be an interesting Survivor Series twist here. But what could it be? Hear me out.
Dolph and Cena have been feuding for a long time now and many people have wondered if it’s all just pointless. But what if it isn’t? What if it’s leading to the start of a whole new change in WWE.
It’s been no secret that the roster divide is now over so therefore the need for two champions is over. With rumours of a huge roster cull floating around the Internet, I wonder if it’s actually got good grounds. Dolph Ziggler is clearly the future of WWE. He’s the leader of the pack when it comes to future stars and WWE Fans have been itching for Ziggler to get a big push. Cena is WWE’s present. He’s at the top of the ladder so wouldn’t it be fitting for the present and the future to collide?
I believe that Dolph Ziggler will cash in his Money In The Bank contract to win the World Heavyweight Championship at Survivor Series. I then think John Cena will win the WWE Title. They will continue to feud on Raw with Ziggler having eyes on the title. This leads the way, perhaps via Vickie Guerrero, for a unification of the titles. Winner takes all. The return of an undisputed champion who will defend their belt on both brands.
It’s a long shot but I think it’d be awesome.
Prediction: John Cena.
Let me know your thoughts and predictions. Have I gone too far? Am I on to something? Let me know!
Ryback To The Future
This week’s Raw was another interesting one as we head into Survivor Series. But with Brad Maddox’s potential contract on the line, would he be able to secure the $1 million deal? And what further evidence could Vickie have on AJ Lee and John Cena? Read on…
So Raw started as it did last week with a strange Dateline NBC-style voice over. This voice over acts a preview for the show coming up and well, it’s not needed. It just sounds dumb.
Anyways, first up was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler. This is a match I always look forward to because Randy has a habit for really grabbing on guys trunks and it’s super hot. The match wasn’t too bad and ended in a Dolph Ziggler win after Alberto Del Rio, flanked by Ricardo Rodriguez, distracted Orton. After the match, Ziggler, Del Rio and Rodriguez all descended on Orton and beat him down. Orton was then saved by Kofi Kingston.
Never missing the opportunity to make a tag match, Teddy Long came out in his Keenan Thompson “what’s up with that” suit and made a tag match. Ziggler and Del Rio v Orton and Kingston. It was a good tag match which ended in Del Rio picking up the win after a sick kick to Kingston after Rodriguez interrupted.
Afterwards, Dolph stuck around. Now glistening with sweat and baby oil like Edward Cullen in the light, Dolph was with Vickie Guerrero. Vickie is still chomping at the bit about the whole AJ/Cena affair and it’s all getting tiresome. I love Cena. I love AJ. I love Dolph and I love Vickie. You’d think I love this. I just don’t. Especially because it’s steeped in the irony of Vickie’s inappropriate cougar/cub relationship with Dolph.
A furious AJ came to the ring and said things needed to stop and that Vickie was throwing her “considerable weight” around. A fat joke? Really? Anyways, Vickie was furious and then played some voicemail messages where AJ pretty much confesses her feelings for John. When did Vickie start working for News International? AJ said that they were false but Vickie and Dolph were having none of it and Dolph asked AJ if she found the fact that John’s ignoring her more dissatisfying and disappointing than actually sleeping with him. With that, Cena came down and AJ held him back only to slap Ziggler herself with Cena throwing in a punch for good measure.
I don’t know where this is leading to but I’ll be glad when it’s over. Backstage AJ and Cena chatted and after Cena made a “it’s never gonna happen” comment, AJ made him revise it. Could there be a Cena/AJ romance on the cards?
The next match was William Regal v The Big Show. Regal was looking for revenge after Big Show stormed into a pub and beat down he and Sheamus. FYI, that place looked nothing like a pub. Big Show really took it to Regal and it was a real nothing-held-back fight. Whilst I miss Regal on my TV, I don’t want to see the old guy get hurt and, by the looks on his chest after the match, I think that’s a likely outcome if Regal had a more full-time role. Big Show got the win and went to cause more damage with a WMD but, luckily, Sheamus saved the day.
Kaitlyn vs Layla was our next match with the two buxom beauties going head-to-head for the #1 Contender Position at Survivor Series. I’m not going to rant about the state of the divas division but Kaitlyn and Layla are best friends and they’re fighting. No build up, no emotion and no connection. Kaitlyn picked up the win and she and Eve stared each other down afterwards.
Now, I’m about to get on my soapbox. I love WWE. I am never shocked and, as you can tell from this blog, nothing really bothers me. However, WWE’s decision to air real life footage of Jerry Lawler receiving CPR and defibrillation after suffering a heart attack was despicable. Now, a lot of people have defended it saying that Lawler OK’d it and such but even so, it was not appropriate. I’m not a person who thinks we should bring back Attitude Era and blood so I can’t be accused of being a hypocrite. But a man lay there, in the back of an ambulance, fighting for his life and WWE chose to send a camera man? I find that disrespectful. I like when WWE blurs reality and fiction, I think it keeps people on the edge but this was too much. Now, as an adult, it wasn’t too traumatising. I just felt it was inappropriate. But for a PG show?
Now, what I didn’t have a problem with is what happened next. Jerry Lawler came out and gave a big speech about surviving and it was truly emotional to see everyone on their feet. This then cued CM Punk to come out. What then unfolded was CM Punk and Heyman berating Lawler, saying that Punk caused his heart attack and then Heyman and Punk orchestrated a fake heart attack with Punk throwing up the ‘X’ and such. That didn’t bother me because Punk is a fictional character and it’s not the first time WWE have used Lawler’s personal life as part of the show.
Mick Foley then came to the ring to yell at Punk. The Foley/Punk feud now makes no real sense considering the fact that Punk is out of the Survivor Series gambit but I will be covering that in my Survivor Series Predictions later. Foley got real mad at Punk and said the world doesn’t revolve around him after Punk said everyone else was worthless. It was good stuff.
Backstage, a camera man was filming Brad Maddox’s ass for some YouTube show. I approve.
Then came the clusterfuck segment of the night with what could only be described as a Mid-Card Mash-Up. The next match was an 8… yes, 8, man tag match. It was Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd vs The Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. The match wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great nor was it good enough to be on Raw. Each man was trying to get a decent amount of time but it ended up being too many tags happening too quick. It was like an orgy in the dark. Bodies everywhere, people reaching out not sure who they’re going to touch next. Justin Gabriel picked up the win after a Rey Mysterio assist.
Backstage, The Miz jockeyed for a position in the WWE Raw Active vote for who would fill the remaining Team Foley position. Ziggler argued that Miz was a quitter and wasn’t fit for any team. Foley then challenged Ziggler to offer up two members of his team to face two members of his. Ziggler decided on Team Rhodes Scholars and Foley decided on Kane and the viewer’s choice. He then told Ziggler that “Amy Schumer says hi”. For those who don’t know, Amy Schumer is a fabulous comedian and former girlfriend of Ziggler’s. And, in her defence, she played along on Twitter after being challenged by Vickie Guerrero.
https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/268203921800060928For those who haven’t heard/seen any of Amy’s comedy, I recommend her album Cutting.
Then we had R Truth v Lord Tensai. I can’t even. Just. No. If you care, Truth won but the real loser here was the WWE Universe, am I right?
Then came the moment we were all waiting for and by “we” I mean, me and my penis. Brad Maddox’s in-ring debut. Maddox faced Ryback in order to win himself a $1 Million contract at WWE. So, would Maddox get to live his dream of being a superstar? Would weeks of discussion, scandal and promo work be the kick star to a fresh and bright career for Maddox? No. The answer is no because WWE sucks and there is no God. Ryback literally destroyed Maddox and bought the rogue ref’s storyline to a close with a thud. I have no idea why WWE chose to not give Maddox a contract, maybe he just wasn’t ready yet but what really was the point in Maddox’s involvement. In bringing back Vince McMahon? This reeks to me of creative going somewhere but it all changing last minute. But hey, who knows, Maddox could still turn up… but more on that in my Survivor Series predictions.
David Otunga v Sheamus was the next offering and Sheamus picked up an easy win. However, Big Show turned up on the titantron to ruin Sheamus’ celebrations. Now, Big Show had Regal and was threatening to punch him. So Sheamus, rather than running backstage, stood and watched. AFTER Show punched Regal, THEN Sheamus ran backstage. What… a bad friend.
A Josh Matthews updated announced that Regal had a concussion and a potential broken jaw.
Then came the Team Foley v Team Ziggler match. Of sorts. Team Rhodes Scholars went up against Kane and his partner… The Miz! But Kane had other problems on his mind as, before coming to the ring, Daniel Bryan expressed his unhappiness of his tag team boo sharing the ring with another man. Kane tried to shake it off but a jealous Bryan decided to follow Miz to the ring.
The tag match was pretty good and Miz played his face role well right off the bat. I don’t love it but I’m making do. After Miz capitalised using Bryan as a human shield, Kane hit the chokeslam for the win.
Then we had John Cena v CM Punk. It was a PPV worthy bout, as always and it’s a shame to see these two giving away this match on Raw but, hey, who am I to complain? Paul Heyman tried to interfere where possible but a cowardly Punk was thwarted by Ryback who sauntered down to the ring which allowed Cena to hit the AA for the win. Afterwards, all 3 men stared at the prize… the WWE Championship.
So, what might happen on Sunday? Look out for my predictions.
Until next time,
XO-TWB
Time To Get Survivor Serious
This week’s Raw was coming from my home country of the UK and boy what a show! The Birmingham crowd were on fire, butts were bubblier than ever and I have to say, it’s been one of the strongest UK editions of the show I’ve seen in a while. But what went down? Read on, my loves!
Raw opened up with an angry Miz telling Paul Heyman that CM Punk is a coward. Heyman told Miz that he needed to get onboard along with the rest of the team. Miz, however, wasn’t having any of it and abruptly quit Team Punk.
The first match of the night was 6-man tag action with Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara and R Truth teaming up against The Prime Time Players and Antonio Cessaro. Admittedly, it was more of a 4 against 3 match because I’m pretty sure Rey’s stomach counts for a 4th person. Those black latex shirts aren’t fooling anyone, Rey.
It was a so-so match with your usual fair which resulted in R Truth picking up the win.
Then it was time for Vickie Guerrero to have her say. For those who have been hiding in a hole (I know a few holes I wouldn’t mind hiding in), Vickie is currently the Raw Managing Supervisor which is WWE’s way of trying to get around the fact the GM role never stays filled for long. Vickie believes that AJ Lee and John Cena were having an affair whilst AJ was General Manager. Now, I don’t understand the issue here because both AJ and John are unmarried and they can do what and whoever they want. Vickie, however, had more footage.
Cena came to the ring to see exactly what the incriminating evidence was and this time it was juicier. It involved towels and sneaking around. It was like the entire segment was produced by Jerry Sandusky. Cena, however, maintained his plea of innocence saying that all the evidence was circumstantial. Vickie disagreed and wanted to hear AJ’s side of the story. AJ, however, wasn’t willing to come to the ring as she’d want to punch Vickie in the face and well, if she does that then she’s fired and said she wouldn’t be able to do what she loves to do. Dolph Ziggler then turned up and told AJ we all know what she loves to do. Ziggler is so Mean Girls. I love it. With that Cena darted out the ring and Vickie screeched with joy.
Backstage, Paul Heyman tried to convince Wade Barrett to join Team Punk at Survivor Series. Whilst initially hesitant, Barrett eventually agreed.
The next match was Daniel Bryan v Cody Rhodes. The match was actually pretty good but a distraction from Kane and Damien Sandow allowed Cody to pick up the win. Afterwards, Cody took to the mic to lisp his way through some gloating. He also said that his partner Damien Sandow could easily beat Kane and with that we had an impromptu Kane v Damien Sandow match!
Kane and Sandow really went at it but Bryan and Rhodes were proving to be distracting. After Cody ran into the ring to avoid a Daniel Bryan beatdown, the referee expelled both of them from ringside. This allowed Kane to hit Sandow with a chokeslam for the win.
It was then time for Brad Maddox to explain himself. I strongly believed he should’ve come out butt naked and shook that cute little tush and all would be forgiven. Alas, it wasn’t to be but Maddox’s ample glutes were well displayed in the trousers he was wearing. Anyway, back to the action as Maddox explained his reasons for interfering in the Punk v Ryback WWE Championship Match. Maddox said that he’d be in FCW for a long time and was told that he wouldn’t make it. He believes it’s because he’s not tall or fast enough. That he doesn’t fit in. It was your usual fodder but the guy looked totally cute the entire time so, take a look.
After the speech, Mr McMahon came out and offered Maddox a contract if he’s able to beat Ryback on next week’s Raw.
Once Maddox had left the ring, Mr McMahon bought out Vickie Guerrero. He said that it seemed odd to not have Punk defend his title at Survivor Series. After trying to get Dolph the gig, Vickie eventually gave in and announced Ryback as the opponent. But Mr McMahon didn’t want it to end there, he said it should be a triple threat match but who should the opponent be? Ah yes, John Cena. Vickie reluctantly agreed and the match was made. And that’s how WWE works folks. Other people make decisions and then Vince steps in and forces them to change their mind.
Sheamus took on The Miz in the next match and I was pleasantly surprised. First of all, The Big Show was on commentary and I have to say he was a delight. His anger at Michael Cole was brilliant. And the match? It was great! The Miz and Sheamus really pulled out the stops and it was a genuine nail biter. Also, Miz wore blue. Bitch looks good in blue.
Backstage, Dolph Ziggler was pacing outside Mr McMahon’s office. Vickie exited and had great news, now that Punk was no longer team captain, Dolph will take the helm. So it’ll now be Team Foley v Team Ziggler. CM Punk, however, was not best pleased and expressed his displeasure to Vickie. She then announced that Ziggler and Punk would team up to face Ryback and Cena!
Then it looked like we were getting a promo for a new diva as Sex & The City-esque music played and bright colours flashed. Turns out it’s for a new Superstar by the name of Fandangoo. Rumour has it Fandangoo will be Johnny Curtis’ new gimmick. However, it seems like WWE had a few spelling issues because on Smackdown, they dropped one of the ‘O’s. Homo they didn’t.
Now, usually when WWE does UK shows there’s some sort of UK segment. Someone drinking tea or someone dressed as The Queen. But no. None of that. The most British thing was Sheamus and William Regal backstage deciding to go for a pint. Tip of me ‘at for that guv’nor.
Diva action was up next as Layla and Kaitlyn teamed up against Eve and Aksana. I have to say that these women (let’s be honest, minus Aksana) are very good in the ring. Eve’s clearly sprucing up her moves and Layla’s new high-risk move set works like a dream. It even helped she and Kaitlyn pick up the win.
Backstage once more where Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez discussed the fact that ADR wasn’t team captain. Then he bumped into Rosa Mendes. The two seemed to have chemistry so watch out for a storyline there.
ADR’s opponent for the night would be Kofi Kingston. Kingston was seemingly set to lose as ADR put on a beat down. However, Randy Orton’s music hit and caused a distraction which allowed Kofi to roll ADR up for the win. After the match, ADR ran into an RKO by Orton. Orton’s face, however, seems to have been ran into by too much botox. His face is so puffed up. Maybe he had an allergic reaction to some fake tan. Or y’know. Pills again.
More tag action in the next match which was Primo and Epico Fail vs Zack Ryder and Santino. Not worth discussing really. Ryder and Santino won.
Wade Barrett then had a match against Brodus Clay. A weird pairing but they had to give Barrett a match since he was on home turf. The crowd were freakin’ electric as they watched Barrett pick up the inevitable win.
3 man band member Heath Slater then went up against one of the Usos. I can’t even. This three hour thing is really starting to not work out, you guys.
Then it was main event time and boy was it a doozy. Dolph and Punk really lay into Cena for the duration of the match and Dolph hitting elbow drop after elbow drop was particularly brutal. Ryback, meanwhile, was foaming at the mouth to be let into the match up. He soon got his way and cleared house and picked up the win.
Afterwards, he and Cena stared each other down.
I’m still not buying into Ryback as a character with longevity but good luck to the guy.
Until next time,
XO-TWB
Refereeasy On The Eyes
This week’s Raw certainly raised a few questions about what direction WWE is going in and I can’t say I hate it. But what exactly happened this week? Read on, Mon Cherie.
Raw opened this week with CM Punk and blowhard Paul Heyman who acted as Punk’s mouthpiece yet again. Heyman explained that he and Punk were holding Raw hostage, due to the injustice of the previous week when CM Punk lost against John Cena despite having his foot on the rope. To smooth this injustice, Heyman called out Referee Brad Maddox to the ring to apologies and resign.
Maddox agreed and came to the ring. Side note, how hot is Maddox? He’s actually a wrestler whose real name is Brent Wellington and he was previously part of FCW (or NXT as it’s now known). Anyways, he’s got a banging ass which looks even better in tights.
Courtesy of Just Us Boys Forum
Moving on, Maddox did apologise saying he genuinely didn’t see what happened but he refused to resign. He then explained that he was actually called upon last minute by AJ Lee, the GM, as a replacement. For those who aren’t in the know, the NFL (American Football) recently had a referee crisis in which their referees went on strike. In response, NFL drafted in some “replacement referees” who weren’t so good thus creating lots of controversy and WWE decided to use it for leverage.
So, Punk then used to opportunity to berate the GM causing her to come out and defend herself. Maddox left the ring and AJ faced Heyman and Punk. Punk then decided he’d mock AJ and her previous breakdown in which she proposed to him because nobody had ever really been nice to her. This resulted in Paul Heyman proposing to AJ, promising they’d become a power couple akin to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. AJ decided to slap him instead.
Backstage, Sexy Ref apologised to AJ for what happened. She got all weird and said she’d fire him if it ever happened again. Bitch per-lease.
The first match of the night was Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston. Ziggler was accompanied by Vickie as always and Kofi was accompanied by tag team partner R Truth and his imaginary friend Little Jimmy. Vickie decided to mock Little Jimmy whilst he was sat down, enraging Truth who confronted her. In all fairness, Jimmy was just having a nice drink and some popcorn. Anyways, things got heated, R Truth threw water at Vickie and both were ejected from ringside.
The match got underway and I have to say it was brilliant. JR was right; it turned very quickly into a main event match up with lots of finish fake outs and just generally cool moves. Ultimately, it was Dolph who would pick up the win over Kofi.
It was then announced that John Cena has had surgery on his elbow and would discuss his future.
We then had another Daniel Bryan/Kane/Doctor Shelby Anger Management session. These have been a real highlight and I implore you to check it out.
Match two was the Prime Time Players v Zack Ryder and Santino Morella. WWE really does seem to be giving more light to Tag Teams but I am nervous about the number of tag team matches on WWE programming over singles. I understand it’s a way of displaying as much talent as possible but it can get a little predictable. Anyways, it was a good match and the Prime Time Players are getting better with each bout. They picked up the win.
Then out came Mick Foley. Honestly, I don’t want to recap it. His speech to Punk about being a legend and not a statistic was awesome.
WATCH!
Then it was The Miz v Ryback. Here’s where I eat humble pie. I argued that Ryback wouldn’t last very long and that he sucks. I stand by the sucks comment but it’s obvious the crowd love him for some reason. Maybe it’s to do with his resemblance to loveable funnyman Will Sasso. Who knows. And, actually, his match against The Miz wasn’t terrible. The Miz got a few shots in. The show, however, was stolen by a crazed fan who ran into the ring and was immediately tackled. I thought it was just some schtick but clearly it wasn’t. Maybe it was one of the jobbers Ryback destroyed? Both men were extremely professional and carried on, with Ryback picking up the win.
Then we had more anger management.
Backstage, in AJ’s office, she wanted to make it clear to all referees including Sexy Ref that it should be business as normal and they should go out there and do what they do best. After the referees left and I stopped thinking about what I’d like to do to Maddox, Alberto Del Rio came in flunked by David Otunga and Ricardo Rodriguez. The men weren’t happy and AJ knew saying they deserved some sort of vengeance and would all team up against Sheamus, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara.
Then the Wade Barrett onslaught continued with a fantastic win over Tyson Kidd.
Michael Cole then took to the ring to interview Jerry Lawler. WWE handled the episode of Raw where Jerry had the heart attack really well but, once they realised Lawler was alive and kicking, they’re milking that cash cow until it’s dry. I think trying to profit from a heart attack is terrible but it’s not surprising. Not only did they trail Lawler’s interview like it was the rising of Christ but now they’re selling a Long Live The King t-shirt. Mamma mia. Jerry does look good though. Keep well, King.
Then it was time for 6 man tag action. Botchamania favourites Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up with Sheamus to face ADR, Otunga and Ricardo. The match was what you’d expect but it got the point across and didn’t make me want to rip my own eyeballs out too much. Sin Cara picked up the win with a Sheamus assist and then Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Otunga. And balance is restored.
Then we got another instalment off Diner Anger Management.
After that, it was time for Daniel Bryan and Kane to come out and discover what their tag team name would be. The suggestions were generally horrible and they were all prefixed by the word “team” which is clearly WWE’s way of jumping onto the Twilight Team Edward/Jacob/Bella nonsense. Anyways, the Universe plumbed for Team Hell No but, before they could celebrate, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow jumped in to attack them.
Cody then took to the mic and announced they would be known as Team Rhodes Scholars. It seems a little mean to give a guy with a lisp that many s’s but he managed. I guess this “team” thing is going to stick. Might cause confusion come Survivor Series.
After that got some Divas Tag Action with Layla and Alicia Fox facing Beth Phoenix and Eve. It was actually a good match and you can’t fault Eve’s wrestling. I am surprised that she can fall on her face without those teeth getting stuck in the mat though.
After Eve stole a win from Beth, Kaitlyn came out and said she remembers that the person who attacked her at Night Of Champions was blonde. Eve immediately pinned it on Beth and took her out. But who could it be (note: definitely not Kelly Kelly… bye, bitch, btw)? Either way, it’s nice to see the Divas getting a real storyline. Nothing like a good whodunit.
Funkasaurus Brodus Clay went against Lord Tensai next. It was a boring match until Big Show came out and knocked both men out. I don’t know if it was even for anything other than to break up what was a very dull bout.
Then it was time for Cena to face the public. He came out and did his usual schtick of saying he’s had a shit week, that he’s not sure if he can go on. Then he, as always, contradicted himself, and said that he’d make sure he was ready to face Punk at Hell In A Cell. I’m actually excited for that match and I love Cena but I think the guy should take a break. He’s just had surgery. I fear he’ll end up doing himself way too much damage.
Punk then came out and berated him and told Cena to get out of his ring. Punk and Heyman gave him to the count of three but, as Punk turned, Cena grabbed a steel pipe from his shorts (giggle) and beat on Punk with it.
Backstage, Punk sloped back still in pain from the attack. There, he noticed Mick Foley and decided to beat him up. Punk walked away but attempted to go back but he was stopped in his tracks by a terrifying sight… Ryback. Hahaha, I know right? Anyways, Punk walked away.
So what does this mean? Well, WWE are focussing more on Tag Teams and Divas. The Superheavyweights are probably going to have a superheavyweight feud and Ryback is probably going to be pushed to the main event. I mostly don’t hate it. Mostly.
Until next time,
XO-WB
Cena’s NOC The Champ
Hey ya’ll!
So, Night Of Champions was actually pretty interesting. I can’t say I hated it. But, what exactly went down and how did I do with my predictions? Read on.
The show opened up with the announcement that JBL will be the guest commentator for the night, replacing Jerry Lawler who is recovering from a heart attack. It was nice to see JBL, I like the guy.
The first match was the Fatal Fourway for the Intercontinental Championship. It was actually a good match, in the end. That’s right, in the end. You see, you come to expect that when Sin Cara wrestles there’s going to be a few fuck-ups but now Rey Mysterio has joined that exclusive club. Put both Sin Cara and Rey in a ring together? Botchamania heaven.
However, I can’t deny that Sin Cara actually helped play part in a fantastic finish. It was hard to make that whole thing look interesting and it’s hard to keep people captivated in a match with so many men. In all fairness, the camera operator tried with several up-close shots of Cody’s ass (thank you) but the finish was great. Sin Cara blinded Miz using a mask, Cody went to hit the finish but Miz bumped into him and out of instinct, hit his finisher for the win.
Winner: The Miz
My Prediction: Cody Rhodes
Score: 0 – 1
Backstage, the Prime Time Players were telling Eve how vital it was that they were seen on TV. Before Eve could, no doubt, laugh in their faces, she was interrupted with an emergency. Eve ran over to the scene to discover a hurt Kaitlyn grabbing her ankle. Apparently, someone with their face covered attacked her. I began to wonder if it was The Miz but I doubt that. Either way, it was clear that Kaitlyn wouldn’t be wrestling. But who would…?
Then it was Tag Team Title Time as Kofi Kingston and R Truth faced the Anger Management Duo of Kane and Daniel Bryan. I was looking forward to this match and I wasn’t disappointed. Bryan and Kane played the whole thing perfectly and having them team up was certainly a stroke of genius. No doubt they’re going to have their inevitable break-up and feud but I really hope this little team sticks around for a while.
Kane and Bryan got into a bit of a war which resulted in an angry Bryan shoving Kane off the turnbuckle, only for him to land on Kofi for the win. The two men then angrily started arguing about which one of them was most deserving, with both declaring “I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS”. Yeah, I’ll have that t-shirt in an XL please.
Winners: Daniel Bryan & Kane
My Prediction: Daniel Bryan & Kane
Score: 1-1
Backstage, Eve updated Booker T on the Kaitlyn situation. Teddy reminded Booker that there needs to be a championship match as it was Night Of Champions. Then I got confused because Eve was either doing her usual terrible acting or she was playing her part great. “Oh… I didn’t realise that… but no other diva has earned a shot at the title” she sighed. Only for Booker T to give it to Eve leaving Teddy Long to give us his something-ain’t-right-playa face.
The next match was for the US Title and I predicted this all wrong. So, in terms of the Battle Royal:
Winner: Zack Ryder
My Prediction: Ryback
Score: 1-2
I didn’t realise either that there would be a match after. Ryder managed to pick up the Battle Royal win and went head to head against Cessaro who seemed to have some sort of vendetta against Ryder’s tights. Hey, I’m not complaining. With one asscheek exposed, Ryder did his best but the evil temptress Aksana interfered and cost Ryder the win.
Winner: Antonio Cessaro
My Prediction: N/A
Score: Still 1-2 as I’m not counting it. Shut up.
Backstage, an annoyed Otunga and Alberto Del Rio yell at Ricardo Rodriguez. But why? Because Ricardo took off his neck brace! THEY’VE BEEN FAKING IT ALL ALONG! WHO COULD’VE GUESSED?! Oh… everyone. Right. OK.
Dolph Ziggler v Randy Orton was next. It was a match I was looking forward to because Randy Orton has a history of making his matches with Dolph extremely homo-erotic and this one didn’t disappoint. There was a moment when Randy just kept grabbing at Dolph. It was bliss. Anyways, it was a really good match and that’s not something I like saying when it comes to Randy Orton. The two did seem evenly match and it’s clear to see these guys have in-ring chemistry.
Can I also say how awesome was JBL’s feminist rant about Vickie Guerrero?! It came out of nowhere but it’s just another reason JBL is awesome.
I’d actually go ahead and say that Orton/Ziggler matches are just as good as Orton/Cena matches. I actually wouldn’t mind these two going at it again. Either way, Ziggler tried but it wasn’t to be as Orton hit an awesome RKO in mid-air.
Winner: Randy Orton
My Prediction: Randy Orton
Score: 2-2
Eve went against Layla for the Divas Championship in our next match. It was a pretty good match and I can see why Eve was destined for the shot over Kaitlyn. It looked like Eve was going to get an easy cover but she hit her finisher for the win instead.
I actually think Eve being evil is a red herring. I think that we’ll discover Layla is the secret attacker.
Winner: Eve
My Prediction: Layla
Score: 2-3
In the parking lot, Kane and Bryan angrily yell at each other about who is the tag team champions. Doctor Shelby looks set to explode but is interrupted by AJ instead who goes crazy. She says she went to great expense to see them make a breakthrough but they aren’t happy for each other. Doctor Shelby gets Daniel Bryan to congratulate Kane but Kane disappears instead. Bryan goes on a rant only to be interrupted by Kane who throws ice water over the three of them and makes the most awesome declaration ever… and well, it’s been remixed.
Del Rio v Sheamus was up next and well, the thing we could all have predicted (yet, I never) happened. Booker T came out to announce that the Brogue kick would be reinstated. Sheamus then went to kick ADR but hit Otunga instead.
The match wasn’t actually too bad and Del Rio managed to pull out a few cool tricks. Ultimately, it wasn’t to be for Del Rio and Sheamus hit his brogue kick for the win.
Winner: Sheamus
My Prediction: Del Rio/Dolph Ziggler
Score: 2-4
The main event was CM Punk v John Cena. Before the match got underway, Paul Heyman wanted to say a few things. He said that he was simply there to view history because CM Punk would be in his 302nd day as WWE Champion. He said the entire thing was about respect. I’m starting to worry that respect is becoming the new “destiny”. I’m bored already.
The match eventually got underway and it was a doozy. I really did enjoy it and these two certainly know how to please a crowd. But, it looked like Cena had picked up the win with a fantastic German Suplex from the turnbuckle. However, after celebrating with soldiers and enjoying the cheers of his home crowd, the referee announced that both men’s shoulders were down. Both men lost so CM Punk retained.
Winner: CM Punk
My Prediction: CM Punk
Score: 3-4
Overall, I didn’t do too badly. I’m usually way, way, way off the mark. This time I was just way, way off the mark.
Until next time,
XO-WB
Don’t Knock My NOC Predictions
Well, tonight sees us head into Night Of Champions where nearly all the belts go on the line. So, what might be in stall for NOC? Here at Wrestlebitch, there’s a long history of getting these horribly wrong so do enjoy and let me know your picks!
Pre-show Battle Royal for US Title #1 Contender
So who will become the #1 contender for the US Title? It’s hard to pick. We could see Cessaro continue to face Santino or someone else completely. I’m going to go for someone else completely in the vague hope that WWE have realised how little the belt now matters and wish to change that. The belt hasn’t mattered since Ziggler dropped it to Ryder.
Anyways, nobody has been announced but I’m going to take a guess and say that Ryback will become the #1 contender.
Layla v Kaitlyn for Divas Title
This is an interesting one because both of these women are friends. They don’t hate each other. Most of the focus has actually been on Eve. Which is why I’m going to say that Layla will retain the title, Eve will come in to “congratulate” her and then beat on her.
The two will then feud for the title.
Kofi Kingston & R Truth v Kane & Daniel Bryan for the Tag Team Titles
I’ve loved, loved, loved this. I’ve loved the whole Anger Management thing. It’s hilarious. Anyways, I think that Kane & Daniel Bryan will indeed win and continue their dysfunctional partnership for a while.
Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler
I’m looking forward to this match only because Randy seems to get really handsy with Dolph’s tights which just reveals an entire world of sexy. I’m not going to lie, I usually hate Orton matches but these two have actually had quite the thing going. It’s clear that Randy hates the up and comer and it’ll be interesting to see where it goes.
I’m going to go ahead and say that Randy Orton will win. Dolph has Money In The Bank and Randy needs the win more.
Sheamus v Alberto Del Rio for World Heavyweight Championship
This has also been an interesting one as the two have gone back-and-forth. Ignoring the awful vignettes that have come with it, it hasn’t been bad. The banning of the Brogue kick has really added something to the mix.
I think that Alberto Del Rio will win the title in some sort of suspicious manner. Only for Sheamus to hit the brogue kick. Dolph Ziggler will then run in, cash in, and become the new World Heavyweight Champion.
The Miz v Cody Rhodes v Sin Cara v Rey Mysterio for Intercontinental Championship
I can’t say I’ve been hating this either. It’ll be interesting to see how Sin Cara and Mysterio work together as Rhodes has already made it clear he’ll take out anyone to win the title. It’s hard to guess this one because there are merits in any of these men winning. The Miz also hasn’t had chance to keep the title very long but WWE has never been afraid on beating on Miz.
My prediction is that Cody Rhodes will pick up the win.
CM Punk v John Cena for WWE Title
The Punk/Cena storyline has been odd and a little frayed. The addition of Paul Heyman is even odder. I just don’t think that this whole thing is going to come to a natural end and I think that Heyman will try to usher in a new revolution.
With that in mind, I predict that CM Punk will retain yet again but I think there’ll be some sort of ECW/Paul Heyman Guys invasion. WWE hasn’t done an invasion since Nexus and they do love themselves an invasion.
So that’s what I think.
What do you think?
Leave me your predictions below!
The New AJ Outlaws
Hey ya’ll. Apologies about the lack of update, I was at a wedding last week! This week’s Raw was a little hit and miss but it ended really strong. But exactly what went down? Well, read on.
The show opened with Michael Cole announcing that Jerry Lawler would not be on commentary. We were then shown a clip of CM Punk and Lawler fighting backstage which, obviously, resulted in Lawler lying flat out and motionless. I must admit, a Raw without Lawler wasn’t exactly the worst thing to hear on the show’s opening.
Sheamus then came to his ring and told the Chicago crowd that the party has already started but it’s going to end for one man, Alberto Del Rio. Sheamus went to continue his rant but was interrupted instead by CM Punk who wasn’t happy. He said that Sheamus was disrespecting him by trying to steal the limelight and the adoration of the Chicago crowd who were, as predicted, very much on Punk’s side. This fact completely threw Sheamus off what he was doing and he kept fumbling his lines and stuttering. Don’t cry, Great White. We all have our off days.
Anyways, the two went back and forth until Sheamus challenged Punk to go to the ring. Instead, AJ interrupted and announced that Alberto Del Rio would face John Cena and that Punk and Sheamus would go head to head.
The first match of the night was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler in a Smackdown grudge match. The match was actually pretty good but I kept getting a really homoerotic vibe. I know that WWE is one big homoerotic vibe but Randy certainly loved exploring Dolph’s body. Lucky bastard. The two battled it out and it seemed like Randy was going to win, but Dolph turned things around by rolling Orton up and stealing the win, with the aide of Orton’s tights.
We then had the triumphant return of the Daniel Bryan/Kane Anger Management classes. This week, the group were tasked with creating Anger Collages. Kane’s was sadly blank and the therapist told Kane they wanted to see his true feelings. Kane replied by setting the bin alight. Oh Kane, what will we do with you?
The 2nd match of the night was Tag Team action with Cody Rhodes teaming up with Lord Tensai to face Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara. Cody has been unnaturally fixated with Sin Cara’s mask, insisting on exposing Sin Cara’s hideous face to the world. I’d like to remind Cody that there’s enough ugliness on TV and its name is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
The match wasn’t too bad but it would be Coddles and A-Train who came up short. Rey and Sin Cara picked up the win.
Back to Anger Management where, this time, they took part in trust circles. For those who haven’t ever had to suffer mind-numbing team building tasks, this is where you close your eyes and fall back and your colleague catches you. Daniel Bryan fell back and Kane caught him and it seemed the two were being good until they were both instructed to catch Howard. Howard was then dropped quicker than Kharma.
We were then meant to have Sheamus v CM Punk but, after Sheamus made his entrance, Punk came to the ring fully dressed. He explained how the Chicago crowd respected him and the fact he’s main event material and nothing else. The confused and mildly retarded Chicago crowd carried on cheering for their man until he announced that, since it was Labor Day he was going to go home. He left the ring and then, despite AJ’s pleas, announced he was taking some contracted personal days and left the arena.
AJ was then left to find Sheamus a new opponent. Alberto Del Rio then made his way to ringside to watch as Jack Swagger took on Sheamus. The two had a good match but it was evident that Sheamus would pick up the win.
Afterwards, a distraction from Ricardo Rodriguez would allow Del Rio to attack Sheamus, only for his plan to be foiled. Sheamus beat down Del Rio and went to hit the Brogue Kick but Del Rio was saved by his right hand goon, Ricardo. Ricardo took full force of the kick and ended up being escorted out by medics.
Divas action was up next and Eve and her scary teeth teamed up against Kaitlyn. The entire thing was watched ringside by Layla who spent most of her time arguing with The Miz, who joined Michael Cole on commentary earlier after the Orton/Ziggler match. The two went back and forth and it became evident that Layla’s accent is a little off and the two clearly hate each other. Either way, Eve won and started doing this creepy “good sportsman” smile and handshake. It’s the kinda smile you give someone you work with after you fucked them at the Christmas party.
Backstage, a worried AJ protested with Jack Swagger as he left the arena. Swagger announced he was taking extended leave as he was “better than this.” Poor Swags. I think it’s cute how they made it a big deal that he wasn’t there, considering he hasn’t been on Raw in weeks.
Part 3 of Anger Management saw D-Bry and Kane come to a resolution as they announced they were now friends. However, Kane’s offhanded comment about destroying D-Bry resulted in the two arguing. The rest of the class left, leaving the counsellor to deal with the fall out. However, things came to an end when the counsellor went crazy and screamed at everyone. Kane and D-Bry broke him.
It was then announced that the two would have a match but what match would it be? Twitter users were invited to vote on them teaming up, facing each other or hugging it out.
Backstage, David Otunga announced he was now representing Rodriguez and they would be pursuing Sheamus for damages. Please God don’t let it happen in Little People’s Court.
Then came the 2nd hour fluff or, as I call it, Superstars Lite.
Ryback picked up the win against Jinder Mahal.
Backstage, a livid AJ announced that the Del Rio/Cena match would now be Falls Count Anywhere.
Then came the Kane/Bryan Twitter Poll results. The results were in and they were told to hug it out. They took their merry time doing so but eventually hugged. All their good work was ruined, however, when bromantic backslapping became too aggressive. The two ended up brawling and Kane tried to break Bryan’s neck only to end up getting smashed with a Steel Chair.
Superstars Lite part 2 took place afterwards with Antonio Cessaro defeating Santino Morella.
Then, Superstars Lite part 3 ended up with Zack Ryder beating Heath Slater.
Ryder’s victory was interrupted by an angry Vickie Guerrero who wanted to make an announcement. She said she’d spoke to the Board Of Directors who demanded AJ apologise for slapping her. AJ came down, apologised and was met with two slaps by Vickie. A furious AJ was unable to strike back, in fear of losing her job. AJ was having a tough night and it all came to a scary end when she had a nervous breakdown in the ring. It was actually uncomfortable which is a testament to how good an actress she is. Bitch be cray cray.
Then it was the main event. I won’t talk about it too much because I think you should see it! Cena and Del Rio had a great match.
It all ended though when CM Punk interfered and knocked Cena out backstage. He rolled Del Rio on top of Cena for the 3 count. Afterwards, Punk continued his assault by hitting the GTS on a car. Cena’s face smashed onto the bonnet. As Punk drove away, the getaway driver was revealed… Paul Heyman.
Heyman’s back. But what are his motives?
Tune in next week.
Until then,
XO-WB
Show No He Didn’t!
Well after a sucky ending to what was a good PPV, Raw had a lot to do in order to make up for everyone’s expectations not being met. But, did it do the job it needed to do? Well, read on then, stupid.
So the show started with John Cena who was as confused as the rest of us as to what happened at Over The Limit. Cena explained that he wasn’t mad that The Big Show got involved, he was mad that John Laurinaitis is still sticking around. He clearly has poor taste. Anyways, Cena went on to say that The Big Show shouldn’t have done it and then literally described what happened that night. Like play-by-play. It’s like dude, we saw. Cena seemed really mad at what went down. I mean super mad. I imagine he wasn’t even that mad when his wife filed for divorce.
He was then interrupted by Eve who introduced J-Lau. Due to his heroic match at Over The Limit, J-Lau was rocking a mobility scooter. He made it looked good, jazzed it up with a people power symbol. J-Lau got swag, yo. Sadly, that swag doesn’t extend to the mic as J-Lau explained that he re-hired Big Show on Saturday. Now for anyone who actually listens, you’ll know that the board of directors stipulated that any superstar who gets involved on the Sunday would be fired. Meaning Big Show would be fired. J-Lau continued that, if Cena touches him again, he’ll be fired on the spot. He also announced that Big Show would be Cena’s opponent at No Way Out.
Then, Show himself made an appearance and explained that he went rouge because nobody cared about him. He said that, when he broke down crying, nobody came to his defence, nobody asked if he was OK. Basically, Show is forever alone.
After telling Cena he’d basically destroy him at No Way Out, Show left. Otunga then turned up to the party for a match with Cena. Cena warned Otunga that he “wasn’t in the mood” which sounds like something he said to his wife a lot. No wonder they’re over. Otunga got involved anyway and Cena basically destroyed him like I hope one day Cody Rhodes will destroy my you-know-what. After Cena made Otunga tap, Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkins, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil all came in to beat on Cena. Sheamus then turned up and after violently shoving J-Lau, cleared the ring.
A furious J-Lau, who was watching it all from his scooter, set a match. A 2 on 3 handicap match but this had a twist, it’d be a LUMBERJACK match. Let me hear you say ooooh (ooooh).
It was then time for the next match to get under way and Ricardo Rodriguez was set to announce Alberto Del Rio. He was interrupted by Santino who told RR that he wasn’t doing his job right. RR was furious as Santino explained that he couldn’t roll his R’s. Santino is good at rolling his R’s. He’s also good at rolling his cars. Santino then hit the Cobra on RR and left the ring.
The ADR v Orton match then got underway. It all got pretty boring. Chris Jericho appeared just when Orton was going to hit the RKO. Jericho hit the Codebreaker and then took to the mic declaring he’s the “best in the world”. Again. Jericho lost that moniker in a match. It was the whole point of it. Jericho then hit two subsequent Codebreakers and left. Eurgh. The whole thing makes me want to go desecrate a flag.
Daniel Bryan then made his way to the ring. See, he felt that he won the match because Punk tapped out at Over The Limit. What actually happened was that Punk tapped after winning with a 3 count. Bryan denied this and showed some footage of Punk tapping. Punk then came out to settle things. He explained that, despite the fact that it was one of the best battles he’s ever been in, he still beat him 1, 2, 3. Then another issue was bought up. D-Bry got involved in a match that Punk had against Kane, making Kane believe Punk had hit him with a chair. Punk explained that Kane now knows the full facts and wants his revenge.
Kane v Bryan was a so-so match and I think WWE have no idea what to do with Kane anymore. The dude clearly believes he’s still a demon but we’ve seen enough Vampire Diaries and Twilight to know that supernatural beings are way prettier. Punk was on commentary for the match which was also pretty fun. Punk then managed to return the favour to Bryan, by making Kane thing Bryan was going to beat on him with a chair. Kane then destroyed him. I hope that this doesn’t become a triple threat thing. I hate triple threat. I always seems to me like the geeky kid asking if he can “play too”. After being chokeslammed, Punk added insult to injury and put the Anaconda Vice onto Bryan. Meanie.
Speaking of meanie, Puk then saw AJ backstage and AJ was giving him the crazy eyes. Punk then said that she was basically an idiot for still caring about Bryan. Real sensitive, Punk. AJ began crying and Punk got all autistic, not knowing what to do. He then revealed that he actually sort of digs crazy chicks. Smooth.
We then had Christian v Jinder Mahal. I’m not even going to dignify this with a real recap. Just: ZZZZ.
Divas action was up next with Beth Phoenix taking on Kelly Kelly. Ksquared was all ditzy and gleeful after ranking pretty highly on the Maxim Hot 100. That’s right, the Maxim Hot 100. Y’know, that well known wrestling magazine? Anyways, Beth annihilated Kelly. Question; since Kelly Kelly was wearing stars and stripes, and Beth Phoenix kicked her, does that mean that Beth is going to get suspended too?
It was the 2 on 3 lumberjack handicap match which made our main event. Cena and Sheamus’ opponents were Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and The Artist Formerly Known As Prince… Albert – Lord Tensai. It was actually a good match and not the clusterfuck I expected. I still don’t buy Tensai as a real human being but Ziggler and Swagger never fail to put a tingle in my dingle. That’s my sex dingle and my wrestling dingle. The match ended when the lumberjacks went crazy and the entire locker room emptied. I hope one day to have an entire locker room empty on me too.
Cena meanwhile, slipped away looking for The Big Show. He ran backstage to find him but bumped into J-Lau instead. Cena carried on looking but found a WMD to the face. I hate Big Show but that punch was frickin’ awesome.
So that was Raw. What did you think?
Until next time,
XO-WB
Wrestlebitch.com 
