Old School Recap

Hey all.

I’m aware I’ve not posted much recently so I wanted to make it up to you by kicking it OLD SCHOOL. That’s right, a full blown recap.

So the show opened with Stephanie McMahon, the love of my life in the dark timeline where I’m straight, talking about Daniel Bryan. For those who don’t remember, Steph decided that Daniel  needed a “corporate makeover” in order to make Vince happy.

It was time for the big unveiling complete with length video package. What were we to see? A whole new Daniel with shaved beard and new haircut? I mean, this is Raw, they’re not going to do some crappy segment right? Right?

Turns out the big makeover was Daniel having hairgel put in his hair and him wearing a suit. Then it went from bad to worse. Stephanie left the ring after congratulating Corporate Daniel Bryan. Vince then made his way down and said that, if Daniel wants his approval, he has to shave his beard. Wade Barrett came down with a barber’s chair and some clippers and it ended up in a strange brawl. Daniel then took to the mic to talk about he was a wrestler and not some corporate stooge.

Then we had RVD v Alberto Del Rio. We were then re-introduced to Ricardo Rodriguez who was touted as returning from “severe injury”. The severe injury was to his judgement, as Ricardo was actually back from a Wellness Violation ban. The match had its usual shenanigans as Ricardo set up the bucket in the corner for ADR to throw RVD into. However, it didn’t go to plan as Ricardo ended up hitting the metal and RVD picked up the win.

Infuriated at this, ADR then beat down Ricardo and even crushed his head between steel steps. It was pretty brutal.

Cody Rhodes came to the ring after a break with an interesting package (naughty). We were then shown the footage from Smackdown (which has been great recently) of Cody stealing the briefcase and then throwing into the ocean then the subsequent brawls. I’m loving Cody v Damien so it was fun to see it in a nice little video.

Cody then revealed that in the box was the Money In The Bank briefcase which had been fished from the ocean. It was not in good health and Damien Sandow made his way to the ring to get it. Cody acted as if though he didn’t want a fight but pulled a fast one and ended up being beat down by Cody.

Our next match was Ryback v Mark Henry. Henry has sadly lost his big momentum from the fake retirement speech and this match was short lived as Ryback left the ring for a 10 count.

Backstage, Total Divas The Bella Twins were joined by Eva Marie to discuss how they hated Natalya. Natalya then showed up to slap one of The Bellas and Eva Marie tried to pretend that she could act. If you haven’t watched Total Divas yet then do. It’s hilarious. Also, I totally think they should give Seamstress Sandra from Episode 2 her own show. Obsessed.

Cena then came out to reply to Daniel Bryan. Bryan basically accused Cena of just being an entertainer whilst he is a wrestler. Cena didn’t like that very much and explained how he had loads of titles. Cena even acknowledged the “you can’t wrestle” chants which, let’s be honest, is one of the douchiest chants in WWE. The guy has put his body through years of pain and put on some great matches yet the crowd continue to chant “you can’t wrestle” just because Cena didn’t earn his spot via the indies. Cena pretty much addressed that point saying that working in Japan doesn’t mean you’re the greatest and that it takes much more to make it in the WWE.

Then, for some reason, Randy Orton showed up. Orton couldn’t have walked any slower to the ring as Michael Cole screamed that he might be cashing in. There was no cash-in and instead Orton reminded Cena that Daniel Bryan wasn’t the only person he should worry about. With that, The Shield then made their way to the ring to beat down slash fiction’s favourite couple and Daniel Bryan joined the mix to even things up. Brad Maddox as his beefy ass then came out to announce a 6-man tag match.

Tons of Funk v The Wyatt Family was the next match and The Wyatt Family destroyed the crowd favourite. Afterwards, they were beaten up and Bray Wyatt did his usual speech but, admittedly, he was mumbling slightly so at one point I’m pretty sure he announced he was gay.

Then Kane appeared to announce he was still the Devil’s favourite demon and that Bray had better fear him.

CM Punk and Josh Matthews had an awkward interview. CM Punk is mad, y’all.

Layla then made her way to the ring and revealed she turned on Kaitlyn because she was sick of her getting all the attention. I much prefer evil Layla to nice Layla so it’s good to have her back. And Layla aligning with AJ is also awesome. It’d be great to get LayCool back though.

Anyways, Layla v Kaitlyn got underway and Layla did every dirty trick in the book which even included hanging from the top rope like a sloth. Eventually, AJ would cause a distraction to allow Layla to pick up the win.

Christian also won a match vs Heath Slater.

CM Punk v Curtis Axel followed that and Curtis Axel was basically used as a hype man for Brock Lesnar. After winning the match, Punk went after Paul Heyman and Brock came out. I hate to admit it, but I’m loving Punk and Lesnar together. It’s a great story. The two had a brutal fight on the outside and it began to look like Punk was going to get hold of Heyman but, alas, it wasn’t to be as Punk was hit with the F5 by Lesnar.

Afterwards, Heyman challenged Punk to a match.

Kofi Kingston came out in long tights and defeated Fandango. Way to cover up the only thing that made you interesting, Kofi.

Backstage an upset Stephanie spoke to Triple H saying that Vince went crazy at her because the makeover segment was a disaster. Triple H was incensed and accused Vince of being crazy. It’s Game Of Thrones you guys. Vince is Mad King Aaerys Targaryen and Triple H is Robert Baratheon ready to slay him. Triple H said Vince was out to ruin Summerslam and that he’s causing the ship to sink. I definitely think we’re going to see a new McMahon/Helmsley era with Stephanie and Triple H officially taking over control of the WWE. And you know what? I freaking love it.

The Real Americans also had a match against The Usos. Zeb did his usual speech but went for the cheap pop about the local football team. Seriously, if you’re not from that town, it’s hard to care. There’s plenty to talk about, Zeb. Go crazy!

The Real Americans picked up the win.

Dolph Ziggler v Big E Langston was the next match and these two had a score to settle. It appeared as if Dolph was getting the upperhand until Kaitlyn came to the ring. She ran at AJ who, for some reason, decided to mount her and the brawl eventually entered the ring.

This allowed distraction enough for Big E to beat down Dolph and pick up the win.

The Main Event was the 6 man tag and boy was it a doozy. The Shield were using their numbers game and ended up getting disqualified. Then, Randy Orton hit his RKO on both Cena and Daniel Bryan. It looked as if he was going to cash in but it never happened because The Shield intervened. However, Randy decided to let The Shield beat down his team mates as he walked away.

Heel Orton is so much fun. Maybe we’ll see a Viper cash in at Summerslam?

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Wrestlemania Predictions

So, Wrestlemania is drawing closer and closer. But what might go down at the Show of Shows? Well, it wouldn’t be a PPV without my always incorrect and bizarre predictions. Remember, these are from the brain of a crazy person.

But do make sure you let me know what YOU think will go down at Wrestlemania.

Wade Barrett v The Miz (Pre-Show Match for the Intercontinental Title)

I think this could prove to be a good match. Yes, it’s pre-show but it’s Wrestlemania AND it’s televised. It’s sad to see The Miz come from main eventing to this but, like every job, sometimes you’re on top and sometimes you’re a bottom. Ok, I may be talking about orgies.

Either way, we’re no doubt in for a treat which I think will see The Miz win the title.

WINNER: The Miz

Team Hell No v Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston (for the Tag Team Titles)

I think this could be a nice surprise of the night. I don’t think this will be a match that’s remembered for being a great match but I think it’ll act as a storytelling device.

It’s my belief that this match will end in a no-contest thanks to AJ shenanigans. I’m guessing some sort of double count-out. I think that AJ will screw Dolph over and leave him out of the Tag Team title race.

More on Big E’s role later…

WINNERS: No Contest

Tons Of Funk & The Funkadactyls vs Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins

This match is so dumb. This is more pre-show worthy than Barrett v Miz. But, alas, it’s happening and it’s currently the only divas action on the card.

WINNERS: Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins

Ryback v Mark Henry

This is a match I’m not particularly interested in seeing. I just don’t buy into a storyline where it’s literally two men putting their dicks on the table and measuring. It seems a pathetic story of “I’M BIGGER THAN YOU” and I don’t think it’s Wrestlemania worthy. However, I do think we’ll see some rather agile big men do some cool stuff.

WINNER: Ryback

Chris Jericho vs Fandango

This is one I’m really looking forward to. I know Fandango is a great wrestler and I also know that Chris Jericho knows how to work a match like a freaking pro. Their story has been another loose one. The fact that Jericho isn’t saying Fandango’s name properly isn’t exactly storyline of the year but, at the same time, you know it’s something deeper for Jericho. It’s about respect.

But, I think this is the night of new talent so I’m going for Fandango.

WINNER: Fandango

Randy Orton, Sheamus & The Big Show v The Shield

I think this will be a great match. The Big Show is the live wire in this one and there’s been a lot of talk of Sheamus or Randy turning over to the dark side. The three men don’t get along but they have been bound by their hatred for The Shield.

My guess is that The Shield will have an even bigger role at Wrestlemania. Again… more on that later. Either way, they’re winning this.

WINNERS: The Shield

Jack Swagger v Alberto Del Rio (for the World Heavyweight Championship)

Certainly a fun storyline and I think they’ve played it really well. It’s ruffled a few Tea Party feathers and, heck, that’s always fun. I think both these men have great talent and have done a lot with what they’ve been dealt with.

There’s a lot of layers to this match. The bigotry of Swagger and Colter mixed with the pain inflicted on Alberto’s gay Mexican lover, Ricardo Rodriguez. I don’t believe that we’ll see an end to this feud at Wrestlemania.

It’s my belief that the winner of this match will be Jack Swagger who will win thanks to some sort of trickery. I then think Alberto will exact his revenge on Swagger by beating him up. This then gives Dolph Ziggler the chance to cash in, this time, successfully.

However, as Ziggler celebrates in the ring, Big E Langston (who is flanked by AJ) will come to the ring and destroy Ziggler. Ziggler turns face and he and Big E go on to battle it out.

WINNER: Jack Swagger followed by a Dolph Ziggler cash in

Triple H vs Brock Lesnar (If Triple H loses, he must retire)

This is a match where I genuinely don’t know who the winner will be. I find it very hard to guess. Triple H is clearly moving on up with his responsibilities in WWE and spends most of his time finding new talent. Brock Lesnar doesn’t tend to stick around long either, so it’s hard to tell.

I think that Wrestlemania is going to be a night where we say goodbye to old friends. WWE is going home, to where WWE has its headquarters and where it built its empire from. I think it’d be fitting to see new stars formed and older flames be blown out.

That’s why, regrettably, I believe Brock Lesnar will win.

WINNER: Brock Lesnar

The Undertaker v CM Punk

This is another one that’s hard to predict. It’s hard to ever think of the streak being ended but I think if anyone is going to do it, it’s CM Punk. CM Punk is WWE’s biggest new star. He has millions of fans behind him. CM Punk already has the Urn, a part of Undertaker. The only thing keeping Undertaker alive is the streak.

As I said above, I think this Wrestlemania will see some flames burn out and I think Undertaker’s will be one of them. CM Punk wins, kills the streak and, thus, kills Undertaker. And, at the same time, has millions more people hate him to become the ultimate heel.

WINNER: CM Punk

The Rock v John Cena (for the WWE Championship)

I’m looking forward to this match. The simple answer here would be that Cena simply couldn’t lose again, surely not. Because Cena is pinning everything on this… this is his redemption. The Rock, however, has the WWE Title. HIS WWE title. The Rock despises John Cena because Cena is the star of WWE. Michael Cole said it today during the Wrestlemania press conference “this man has held up the WWE for almost ten years”.

This is where things, in my mind, get interesting. What if The Rock wins thanks to The Shield. What if, the entire time, The Rock has been behind The Shield. The injustice they are fighting is the injustice that he isn’t WWE’s biggest star anymore. All the people The Shield have taken out are rising stars or people the fans love. What if The Rock is trying to destroy everything and everyone that seems to be rising hire than he is.

It’s far-fetched. Unlikely to happen. But that’s my prediction.

WINNER: The Rock

So there we have it. The predictions of a mad man. Could we see an epic Face turn from Dolph Ziggler and an epic Heel turn from The Rock?

No matter what happens, I cannot wait for Wrestlemania.

XO-TWB

Raw In Jokes

Hey hey.

Once again, I forgot to do my WWEek In Jokes. If you’re looking for a consistent blog… y’in the wrong place. It *was* my niece’s birthday so that’s a pretty legit excuse, you guys.

So, it’s Raw Recap Sunday. So let’s have a Raw In Jokes special.

Enjoy.

XO-TWB

–          John Cena debuted a new bright yellow t-shirt because being a John Cena fan wasn’t embarrassing enough

–          Fandango was infuriated when Chris Jericho failed to pronounce his name properly. Don’t take it to heart, buddy, nobody knows who you are

–          Jack Swagger broke the ankle of Ricardo Rodriguez. Don’t worry, Ricardo, I’m sure Jack can hook you up with some good “pain relief”

–          The Big Show came to the aide of Randy Orton and Sheamus. I don’t know about Randy but the voices in my head were telling me to change the channel

–          Triple H will be forced to retire if he loses against Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania which leads me to a very special spin-off of WWEek In Jokes called C’mon WWE!*

 

*        C’mon WWE, Triple H has teased retirement more than Brad and Angelina have had children I mean, c’mon.

*        And C’mon WWE, didn’t Triple H retire last year? The only people benefiting from all these retirements are the people who make the cake, c’mon!

*        Oh c’mon, how bad of a stipulation can it be? The man is married to the daughter of the chairman. “Looks like I’m going to have to retire” “How about we just rehire you?” “That’ll work” c’mon!

*        C’mon WWE, how stupid do you think we are? There’s no real threat here. And sure, it may very well be Triple H’s last match… of March. But he’s like herpes, he’ll keep coming back.

*        And C’mon WWE, don’t think I hate Triple H. I think he’s great. But it’s hard to get excited about a match where a guy who literally runs the company might lose his career. It’s not like he’s going to lose everything. He’s the son-in-law of a billionaire. I’ve seen more jeopardy on an actual episode of Jeopardy. C’MON!

*Yes, this entire bit was ripped from SNL Weekend Update’s “Really?!” but fuck you.

Les Not Do This Again

There’s been a lot of talk about WWE and its storyline decisions this week. The decision to make The Rock champ and the return of Brock Lesnar. What could it all mean and what exactly happened?

CM Punk & The Rock

Fresh from Royal Rumble, a furious Punk denounced The Rock’s win as cheating. The Rock had the match restarted and, in his mind, Punk had already won. This meant that Punk felt cheated once again by The Rock. Firstly, he felt cheated by the fact that The Rock could come back after so long and get a title shot. After all, Punk has worked really hard to be where he is.

The Rock, however, is just pleased because he won it for ‘the people’. His people. The same people that Punk was saying didn’t mean anything. Which makes it a sweeter victory. However, Punk isn’t going to let sleeping dog lies and challenged The Rock to a rematch at Elimination Chamber.

Will The Rock retain? And how will Lesnar/Heyman and The Shield tie into it?

The Miz & Antonio Cessaro

These two guys hate each other and have done ever since The Miz hit the figure-four on him when he was a guest on MizTV. Cessaro isn’t the type of man you do that to and get away with it and he proved that by beating Miz on the Royal Rumble pre-show.

This week, Miz regained power because he was special referee in Antonio’s match against Randy Orton. Antonio was clearly distracted which allowed Randy Orton to pick up the win. Miz then scooped up a groggy Antonio and hit the Skull-Crushing Finale.

But it’s all fun and games so far, what Miz really wants is the belt. But will he get it?

Wade Barrett & Bo Dallas

Bo Dallas is everything that Wade hates. He’s young, speedy and doesn’t look at all tough. Wade believes he should be able to dominate this guy but the exact opposite is happening. Bo managed to eliminate Wade at the Royal Rumble and, this week, managed to pick up a win against him. Wade’s self-belief is in the fact he can destroy any man that dares cross his path so the fact that a complete newbie is beating him isn’t going to play well.

But how long until the NXT Upstart gets sent back to Florida?

John Cena

Cena had to win the Royal Rumble. His in-ring prowess was starting to get stale and his moves weren’t cutting it. He was losing constantly and had to keep on watching other men pass him by. But, with his big win at the Rumble and another win against Cody Rhodes on Raw, it seems like life is improving for Cena. That is, of course, until The Shield get involved.

The Shield

The Shield have continued their promise. After beating down The Rock on both Raw and Royal Rumble, they went after John Cena. Cena is everything they hate and they see it as an injustice that he gets so many opportunities to shine. Could The Shield hamper Cena’s Wrestlemania success?

Alberto Del Rio & The Big Show

The Big Show turned the tables on Raw and stole a trick from Del Rio and Ricardo’s playbook. After beating on his foe, he duct taped him to the ropes and made him watch as he physically destroyed Ricardo.

Ricardo is Del Rio’s everything. He’s been there for him  through thick and thin and he’s like family. So, for Del Rio, there is no greater pain than seeing his family punished. Del Rio has been cocky and handled the Big Show with humour until now.

Could we see a return to the darker side of Del Rio?

Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler

After supposedly ending Jericho’s career, Ziggler was not pleased to see Jericho return at the Royal Rumble and, eventually, was able to eliminate him. Jericho made an impassioned speech on Raw about how he was back to his old safe. This was, of course, interrupted by Dolph Ziggler. The two were then forced into a Strange Bedfellows match vs Team Hell No.

But, with Jericho vowing to rise again, will Ziggler give it another go at extinguishing his flame?

Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero

Vickie managed to ruin Ziggler’s night once again, this time by announcing that it was she who gave Jericho his return contract. Because, what greater revenge is there, than to surround someone who hurt you with people they hate? Vickie is a woman scorned but will her broken heart be mended or will she eventually give up on trying to rekindle their lost love?

Team Hell No

After getting along so well and graduating from anger management, it seemed these two were heading straight into a meltdown. And we started seeing sighs of that when they started fighting in the middle of their match.

Are Team Hell No set for ruin?

Vince McMahon, CM Punk, Paul Heyman, The Shield & Brad Maddox (multiple strands!)

At the top of Raw, Vince announced he had video footage that proved that Heyman and Punk were working together and that, if he could not prove otherwise, Heyman would be fired.

At the end of the night, Vince delivered with footage taken by Brad Maddox’s “Experience” Cameraman which showed Paul having The Shield attack Maddox because he wasn’t getting the job done anymore. It’s kind of a sad story really. Maddox was just desperate for someone to believe in him, willing to do anything, only to be betrayed by the man he saw as a father figure.

Interestingly, Punk wasn’t around for the big reveal which could mean he potentially didn’t know about it. Perhaps Heyman didn’t have enough faith in Punk to let him go it alone in the ring?

Vince also loved having the opportunity to screw over Punk and Heyman. Punk has relied on Heyman for the past few months and well, without his rock, could Punk flounder?

The real twist of the night ame just as Vince was about to fire Heyman. Brock Lesnar came out. My feelings about Lesnar have been much discussed. I find him a talentless jughead with no real entertainment value but I guess he served a purpose here. He took out the boss before he could fire Heyman.

Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman

Heyman clearly loves Brock but he’s obviously the Lenny to Punk’s George . Heyman appears scared of Brock and pleaded with Vince to run because he knew what would happen. Punk is always predictable in terms of his reaction because he generally allows his words to do the talking but Brock isn’t as intelligent. He uses his fists and that scared Heyman.

Will Heyman be able to control the monster he helped create?

Brock Lesnar & Triple H (?)

Whilst I’m not convinced Triple H is returning to in-ring action (sadly), I think this is an interesting one and we could see the return of Triple H as on-screen management. Brock and Triple H have history and now Brock has injured his father-in-law we might just see the fire being refuelled.

So that’s my take on the WWE action. What are your thoughts?

Let me know.

XO-TWB

Vince & Repeat

Raw this week was miles better than last week’s effort. But what went on? It’s a good job this is a recap, eh? Read on!

Raw began with some tag team action as Team Hell No went up against The Prime Time Players. However, before TPTP turned up, Kane had a few words for some audience members. I say, audience members, it was in fact The Shield. The Shield were in a sky box looking over the ring and Kane basically called them cowards and told them to come down and face him. I think that’s why Kane will never host The Price Is Right. TPTP then came down to the ring and the match began. Team Hell No were trying their best but were distracted because The Shield kept making their way down to the ring.

Eventually, Daniel Bryan would pick up the win thanks to reversing a roll-up into another roll-up. Immediately afterwards, The Shield ran into the ring and gave both men a brutal beat down.

Backstage, John Cena and Sheamus were talking. The conversation went from odd to super odd as Cena began discussing giving a Giraffe a ride in his car but getting a citation for it. Then Sheamus tried to out-goof him by talking about Dublin and Father Ted kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse. For those unaware, Father Ted was a popular UK sitcom and one of the funniest episodes saw Ted having to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse as a forfeit on a bet. Glad you’re caught up. Sheamus thanked Cena for turning up on Smackdown to help him and said he was looking forward to teaming up with him against Ziggler and Big Show later.

Divas action was our second match of the night with AJ Lee facing Tamina. The role of Tamina was played by Vanessa Williams. It was actually a good match and it was nice to see Tamina getting to show off an impressive set of moves. Eventually she succumbed to the dreaded roll-up curse and AJ picked up the win. AJ and Tamina could’ve had a great feud after Survivor Series but, alas, it wasn’t to be.

CM Punk and Paul Heyman made their way to the ring after the commercial break. Heyman was carrying with him the WWE Encyclopaedia and thus ensued one of the best ever plugs of merchandise that wasn’t a plug ever where he basically said that Punk should’ve been in it more. After discussing the importance of Punk’s WWE Title reign, Punk then took to the mic and did his usual best in the world stuff and said he has nothing to do with The Shield or Brad Maddox. Side note, the way Punk pronounces “Maddox” is very annoying.

The Miz then came out and interrupted. He referred to Paul Heyman as a “walrus” and tried his best to make the crowd love him. Face Miz is a real cutie patootie, I know that much. He then said that Punk should prove he isn’t lying about The Shield and Maddox by taking a lie detector test on MizTV. Punk accepted.

Then it was time for tag team action as Sheamus and John Cena faced The Big Show and Dolph Ziggler. I actually loved this match and Sheamus and Cena made a great team. Also, Dolph looked totally hot. I love the way he pushes his trunks further down his torso so we can see his ‘v’… *ahem*. Anyways, the match ended on a supercool note when Cena and Sheamus simultaneously hit their finishes on Ziggler and Show.

Damien Sandow was next out the curtain and decided that his efforts to educate the WWE Universe have been fruitless. He said, however, he wanted an apprentice. He then called an audience plant to the ring who was dressed as an R Truth fan. He asked him three questions. The first two were simple general knowledge. Then he asked who wrote a verse of poetry. The R Truth fan sadly lost. Santino then came out and chastised our intellectual saviour and said he’d ask HIM a question. How many sea shells does she sell on the sea shore? That was the actual question. Sandow, ever the genius, answered it genuinely and ended up beating on Santino when he tried to hit him with the mic. Life’s a beach, right you guys? You guys?!

Santino and Sandow then had a match with Sandow as the victor.

Backstage, Dolph explained to Vickie that he lost because of The Big Show. Vickie, however, said she was starting to lose faith in her boo. Dolph begged her to give him a chance to prove otherwise and let him face Cena at TLC. Vickie agreed and Dolph went to hug her but she was reluctant to let him. ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN?!

As Dolph left, he noticed someone in Vickie’s office. Turns out it was the Heartthrob Ref himself, Brad Maddox. Maddox told Vickie he was ensuring people didn’t forget his name and she should give him another chance. She agreed and gave him a match where, if he won, he’d get a contract.

Alberto Del Rio v Sin Cara was the next match. It was pretty good I guess. Not much to say really. ADR won.

We then caught a glimpse of Vince McMahon walking to the ring. He stopped a production assistant and told him to get Vickie to the ring. The PA replied “OK” to which Vince made him say “yes, sir”. Brilliant.

In the ring, Vince told Vickie he was concerned about TLC. She announced Cena/Ziggler and Vince wasn’t happy. He said it should be a Ladder Match with something on the line… Dolph’s briefcase. It was at this point that I lost my shit. No other Money In The Bank Winner has had to defend his briefcase not once but twice! Crazy. Vickie reluctantly agreed and then Vince got her to announce that, if Punk is found lying, Paul Heyman will face Ryback.

Brad Maddox’s contract match turned out to be a squash match vs Randy Orton. Orton made quick work of Maddox but then was set upon by The Shield. So y’know, there was something good about that part of Raw.

Dolph arrived at Vickie’s Office furious to which she roared back that he wanted this match and she just added a stipulation. Dolph then cut her deep by saying she was just like AJ:  an immature, ungrateful amateur! Oof.

Paul Heyman then turned up to stare Vickie down to which she warned him he’d better hope that Punk isn’t lying.

Cena then joined the fun and thanked Vickie for making the match. Vickie then presented Cena with two hairpins adorned with his face saying that AJ had them made and that she was obsessed with him and it’ll end bad. Cena told Vickie she was full of crap and the hairties were a hack job. I’m sure the props lady was later found crying.

Then the Mayans were found to be right. Teddy Long interrupted a tag match and made into a fatal fourway. HE CANCELLED A TAG MATCH, YOU GUYS. It was to be a Fatal Fourway match for either the Intercontinental or US Title, depending on a Raw Active poll. The poll revealed that Kofi Kingston, R Truth, Wade Barrett and Antonio Cessaro would face each other for the US Title. It was a pretty good match and Kofi took a hit on the outside which looked real painful. Cessaro managed to retain his title.

Then it was main event time. Ish. It was Lie Detector time and face Miz even tried to get some applause for the County Sheriff’s office but was booed when he pronounced the county wrong. Woopsie. Punk then came to the ring and the test began. Just ask Miz began to get into the interesting questions, The Shield appeared once more and took out Miz. Team Hell No then came to the ring to help Miz and it looked like they’d get beat too until Ryback ran down. Team Hell No and Ryback managed to divide and conquer The Shield and Punk celebrated in the ring. That was until Ryback got back in and beat him down. He then put Punk through a table.

After the show, however, Punk was carried out and, as we all know, was injured. Best of luck with your recovery, Punk. I’m sure you read this… *cough*.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Shield Me From This Nightmare

This week’s Raw was less than stellar. People forgot names, stumbled over words and you could tell that everyone was hitting a lull. It’s understandable and has always been one of the strongest arguments for WWE to work in seasons rather than all-year. But… it’s a rare thing for WWE to be so monumentally terrible and here’s hoping it’s temporary.

The show began with Ryback facing Titus O’Neil. Already off to a bad start. There wasn’t much point to this match other than them needed an opening bout and to have Ryback get some screentime. The match wasn’t terrible but the outcome was inevitable. Titus did his best but Ryback destroyed him and picked up the win.

I suppose it was a nice lead-in to the confrontation with Vickie but it didn’t pay off. Firstly, it wasn’t entirely obvious that Ryback was holding the show hostage yet security were already on him. Also, why just go after that one security guy? Vickie came out and told Ryback she won’t have him hold her show hostage and that he needs to get out the ring. Ryback pointed out that her security probably couldn’t stop him (apparently three guys can but five can’t) to which Vickie suddenly decided to give into all his demands. This doesn’t seem like Vickie at all and it stood out really odd. Also, Ryback’s weird “angry jaw” thing is super annoying.

So, to sum up, Vickie agreed to a Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match between CM Punk and Ryback for the WWE Title at, well, TLC. It just seemed very wedged in.

We were then shown some earlier footage from the backstage area. Basically, on Smackdown, Hornswaggle had tricked Rosa Mendes with a flower that squirts water. Rosa reacted badly because usually when something squirts in her face, her contract gets renewed. Backstage on Raw, Rosa confronted Hornswaggle asking why he didn’t want a piece of her. Hornswaggle replied telling her that she wasn’t all that. Alberto Del Rio then turned up and threatened to beat Hornswaggle up. The Great Khali and his two shattered knees then made an appearance to warn ADR away.

Khali and ADR then had a match. It was so-so and Khali is starting to get slower and slower. I know it’s all he knows but the guy is going to end up in a wheelchair. It’s hard to watch. Anyways, Ricardo managed to distract Khali to allow ADR to hit the cross armbreaker for the win.

Backstage once more where Vickie was confronted by CM Punk and Paul Heyman. Their argument was that Vickie was endangering her champion by putting him in a TLC match. Vickie said Ryback deserved it after “Punk’s boys” intervened. Both Vickie and Punk struggled to remember the name “Roman Reigns”. It was awkward but they powered through. Vickie then announced that Punk would face either Kane or Daniel Bryan, as chosen by a Raw Active poll.

Then came the dumbest part of the night. The Michael Cole interview with Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns. Firstly, the interview was held in what appeared to be an abandoned warehouse rather than one of WWE’s swanky studios. The set-up looked more like a drug deal than an interview. Then, all three men were dressed like mall cops with overactive imaginations. Cole asked the men if they were hired by CM Punk. Dean Ambrose was the butter-faced team leader and I have to say, what an odd looking bloke. He looks like the picture that should be used in dictionaries when defining the term “troll”. He said that the men were simply a shield against injustice and that they were sit of sitting at NXT and watching WWE turn into a popularity contest. That’s right, the three men who only came to light due to internet POPULARITY were bemoaning popularity.

They said they were there to stop WWE heading in the wrong direction. Sadly, they must’ve missed an opportunity to stop the interview airing.

It was super, super dumb. The Shield looks super, super dumb and I am simply not yet buying the hype of these three men.

Next up was Tamina v Alicia Fox. The match was good but it was no Melina v Alicia Fox.  Anyways, Tamina picked up the win.

Then more stupidity reigned as WWE desperately tried to squeeze the Cena/AJ/Vickie/Dolph sponge and hope some creative juices would pour out. What did we get instead? Vickie giving Cena the gift of his and her bathrobes and saying that he should enjoy it whilst it lasts because, soon, AJ will leave him and “his entire world will implode”. His. Entire. World. They’ve been dating 3 weeks. What is this? The Vampire Diaries? With that, AJ then arrived to berate Vickie. She said that she can do whatever she wants now and then kissed Cena.

Can we just stop for a second and discuss these kisses? Is it just me who is bitterly disappointed by Cena’s lip action? He kisses AJ like he’s kissing his mother.

Anyways, Dolph then came out. Things then took an interesting turn when it looked like the story was going to become a gay story. Dolph said that he knows why Cena got so mad and vicious and that he knows “what’s eating him up inside” and it made it seem like he was about to insinuate that Cena thinks about him when he’s kissing AJ but alas, he stated that AJ thinks about him. Damn. That would’ve been one hell of a swerve. Cena then went to kick the jiggle out of Ziggle but Vickie put the kibosh on it and announced the two would have a match later.

Again, REAL dumb.

Wade Barrett then made his way to the announce table for Kofi Kingston v Lord Tensai. Whilst on commentary, Wade slipped in that he’ll be facing Kofi for the IC title at TLC. So yeah, who needs build up?

Kofi picked up the win.

Backstage, Kane and Daniel Bryan began discussing who might get picked for the Raw Active poll. Bryan said that people simply love him and that he has data to prove it. He then displayed a hilarious electoral college map of the US and then The World which showed that everyone was going to vote for him.  Always willing to ruin the party, Josh Matthews showed up to announce that Kane had won the poll and would face CM Punk later. Daniel Bryan was then informed that runner-up prize was a match with Rey Mysterio.

Daniel Bryan v Rey Mysterio was a simple match but it wasn’t terrible. Rey clearly shines much brighter in singles competition and Sin Cara doesn’t compliment him as a superstar. Kane and Bryan work perfectly but Mysterio and Cara have no chemistry. Anyways, Rey got the win.

Backstage once more, Rosa Mendes thanked ADR for his support. It was half-Spanish and half-English but I pretty much picked up that she was going to blow him later. Am I right? Si? Anyways, I always worry when WWE pairs their top stars with Divas in romantic storylines as it often means they’ve run out of solid ideas. Here’s hoping it’s all leading somewhere.

Meanwhile, apparent locker room lurker Josh Matthews interrupted Dolph warming up. He asked if Dolph had given Cena more incentive by making things so personal. Then Dolph said a bunch of things which were super awesome about how he’s Mr Money In The Bank and it couldn’t get better. He’s so dreamy. I am just as transfixed by the things coming out of his mouth as I am by the things I wish were going into it.

Then came the saving grace of the night and the only reason I don’t totally hate the “lovers” angle. Dolph and Cena got to wrestle. And boy, was it good. The match was fantastic and it almost felt PPV worthy. With Cena being attended to after tweaking his knee, Dolph tried to take off the turnbuckle padding. However, AJ came out to stop Dolph and foil his dastardly plan. Vickie soon followed and, when the referee was distracted, Dolph went to hit Cena with the Money In The Bank Briefcase but got hit with an AA instead.

Cena picked up the win and afterwards he and AJ shared another lustless kiss.

Sheamus v Antonio Cessaro was the next match. Sheamus gained the upperhand and knocked Antonio to the outside with a brogue kick. The Big Show, chair in hand, appeared on the stage. Sheamus won via count-out and Big Show looked to walk away but Sheamus instead took to the mic and announced that he’s going to retire Show at TLC and that he doesn’t care if it takes 100 chairs. The Big Show responded by ripping a steel chair to tiny pieces. Some poor intern backstage probably cried into his WWE Lanyard after working so hard to put that together. Cruel, Show. Cruel.

Damien Sandow went up against Zack Ryder and won in the next match. It was a pretty sweet match.

Then it was time for CM Punk v Kane. Kane has gotten better and better in-ring for me and I think that his partnership with Daniel Bryan has given him new life. Kane looked set to win but CM Punk hit the GTS from out of nowhere, just as The Shield began to appear. CM Punk picked up the win and The Shield bombarded the ring and beat on Kane. Punk acted bewildered and confused. Daniel Bryan then ran in but was a lamb to the slaughter. It was down to Ryback to save the day and it looked like he was going to. That was, until, CM Punk jumped back into the ring and beat on him. Ryback looked set to take Punk out too but The Shield got back the advantage and Punk slithered away.

So, why did they do it?

And who gives a fuck?

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Survivor Series Goes Aw-Ry

Survivor Series was an interesting PPV with many twists and turns but what exactly went down? Well I’m glad you asked because I’ve only gone and done a bloody recap, so I have.

The show began with a bogus bonus elimination match. It was to be what I have dubbed Team Cara: Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel, Tyson Kidd & Brodus Clay vs Team Albert: Lord Tensai, Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. It was actually not a terrible match considering it was rather shoe-horned in and it’s nice to see that they’ve decided to build Tyson and Justin a little further. It did raise some worried over Brodus’ future as he was the only member of Team Cara to be eliminated.

I’m also worried about the Prime Time Player’s eyesight as their tights get uglier and brighter each week. It was a seemingly easy win for Team Cara.

Winner:  Team Cara
My Prediction: No prediction due to shoe-in match
Score: 0-0

Backstage we saw Kaitlyn heading to ring until someone in a bad Goldust wig attacked her from behind. Kaitlyn gained the upperhand this time and unveiled the culprit as Aksana. UM… didn’t we already know Aksana was the culprit? Anyways, Eve turned up and said she’d “hate if anything happened to Kaitlyn before the match” to which Kaitlyn pushed Eve over and said the same thing. OMG. RUDE. Eve was trying to be nice.

Then came the actual match itself and I have to say, it was also pretty good. It’s a shame WWE crowds are general douchenozzles and the commentary team didn’t help much either but both women pulled off a good match.  The beginning of the end for Kaitlyn began when Eve literally pulled the rug from underneath her. After hitting a neckbreaker, Eve picked up the win and also grabbed herself a little something extra.

Winner: Eve
My Prediction: Eve
Score: 1-0

Backstage once more but this time it was to the Team Foley locker room. All men were basically bickering as WWE tried to get across the “THEY HATE EACH OTHER, LIKE, LOTS” dynamic of the group. Mick tried to intervene and get the guys onside requesting they finger bang each other. However, Orton simply grunted and told Mick he hated him.

The next match was Antonio Cessaro v R Truth. I opted for Team Toilet Break and ignored most of this match. Two very dull men in what was no doubt a very dull match. Cessaro retained.

Winner: Antonio Cessaro
My Prediction: R Truth
Score: 1-1

Monday Night Raw then trickled into the Survivor Series fun with AJ Lee coming to the ring to make good on an earlier promise to reveal Vickie’s unsavoury antics. I and many others presumed they were going to finally reveal the hypocrisy of Vickie accusing AJ of getting too close to a superstar, *cough* Dolph Ziggler *cough*, but instead AJ went down the photoshop route of putting up fake images of Vickie in compromising positions. AJ missed a few tricks with it but it was kinda funny. Vickie was furious and AJ reminded her Vickie wasn’t allowed to hit her. Then, inexplicably, Tamina came to the ring to beat down AJ. M’kay…

Josh Matthews was then backstage interviewing Paul Heyman and questioned CM Punk’s ability to win the match. Heyman took offense, obvs, and launched into a beautiful diatribe about Punk’s achievements and how he’ll continue to achieve etc etc. It was beautiful but there’s only so much recapping of an interview you can do, y’know?

It was then time for Sheamus and Big Show to go head-to-head. I haven’t been uber keen on this whole feud but the two have had some interesting matches for sure. Sheamus had been all over WWE adverts played throughout the show and I was beginning to see them as some sort of clue. It looked like I was right as Sheamus managed to get the big man down but, as Sheamus went to hit the Brogue Kick, Big Show pulled the ref infront of him. Scott Armstrong went down like a sack of potatoes and other referees clambered to his side. The bell hadn’t yet been rung so when Big Show hit the WMD and pinned it looked like he’d win. A referee did the three count and everything. However, a different referee changed the decision to make it a Big Show DQ. Ooh, bitch please.

Sheamus then decided to put the beat down on Big Show with a steel chair, obviously symbolising that this thing will head into TLC in a chair match no doubt.

Winner: Sheamus via DQ
My Prediction: Big Show
Score: 1-2

Then it was Team Ziggler v Team Foley time. Many had been looking forward to a sexy reveal of Dolph’s new trunks that he’d previously promised on Twitter.

new gear for @wwe #SurvivorSeries sunday, thinking @britneyspears bodysuit from toxic vid meets al czervic

— Nic Nemeth (@NicTNemeth) November 15, 2012

However, it wasn’t to be but Dolph still looked good. Team Ziggler took the first hit after Damien Sandow got caught with a chokeslam when his plot to abandon his team failed. It looked to be going slowly downhill for Team Ziggler but they soon gained the upperhand and eventually it all came down to Randy Orton and Dolph himself. Orton set on a homoerotic beatdown (aren’t they always?) on Ziggler and it looked like he was going for the punt. I immediately began to cry “NOT THE FACE” but Orton’s plot was thwarted by a well-timed superkick. Ziggler pinned Orton for the win.

Winner: Team Ziggler
My Prediction: Team Foley
Score: 1-3

It was main event time as Ryback, Cena and Punk went head-to-head for the WWE Championship. I was nervous about the bought but my nerves melted when I realised how hot Cena looked in his new gear. Anyways, the three men tried their best to make it work with Cena and Punk even teaming up to put Ryback through the announce table.

It looked like the winner of the night would the Spanish Announce Table but, as Ryback got set to pick up the win, three men ran into the ring and beat Ryback and Cena down. They then put Ryback through the Spanish Announce Table.

These three men were the much-talked-about Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns. The Internet fanbase has gone crazy and I’m no doubt going to be seen as a moron for not knowing or caring who they are. I’m going to give this whole thing chance but this just seems to me to be like a new Nexus. I also reckon Brad Maddox will be part of it. Either way, the distraction allowed Punk to pin Cena to retain.

Winner: CM Punk
My Prediction: John Cena
Score: 1-4

Yet again my predictions failed but, oh well! It was an interesting PPV which opened the door for a few fun stories.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Ryback To The Future

This week’s Raw was another interesting one as we head into Survivor Series. But with Brad Maddox’s potential contract on the line, would he be able to secure the $1 million deal? And what further evidence could Vickie have on AJ Lee and John Cena? Read on…

So Raw started as it did last week with a strange Dateline NBC-style voice over. This voice over acts a preview for the show coming up and well, it’s not needed. It just sounds dumb.

Anyways, first up was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler. This is a match I always look forward to because Randy has a habit for really grabbing on guys trunks and it’s super hot. The match wasn’t too bad and ended in a Dolph Ziggler win after Alberto Del Rio, flanked by Ricardo Rodriguez, distracted Orton. After the match, Ziggler, Del Rio and Rodriguez all descended on Orton and beat him down. Orton was then saved by Kofi Kingston.

Never missing the opportunity to make a tag match, Teddy Long came out in his Keenan Thompson “what’s up with that” suit and made a tag match. Ziggler and Del Rio v Orton and Kingston. It was a good tag match which ended in Del Rio picking up the win after a sick kick to Kingston after Rodriguez interrupted.

Afterwards, Dolph stuck around. Now glistening with sweat and baby oil like Edward Cullen in the light, Dolph was with Vickie Guerrero. Vickie is still chomping at the bit about the whole AJ/Cena affair and it’s all getting tiresome. I love Cena. I love AJ. I love Dolph and I love Vickie. You’d think I love this. I just don’t. Especially because it’s steeped in the irony of Vickie’s inappropriate cougar/cub relationship with Dolph.

A furious AJ came to the ring and said things needed to stop and that Vickie was throwing her “considerable weight” around. A fat joke? Really? Anyways, Vickie was furious and then played some voicemail messages where AJ pretty much confesses her feelings for John. When did Vickie start working for News International? AJ said that they were false but Vickie and Dolph were having none of it and Dolph asked AJ if she found the fact that John’s ignoring her more dissatisfying and disappointing than actually sleeping with him. With that, Cena came down and AJ held him back only to slap Ziggler herself with Cena throwing in a punch for good measure.

I don’t know where this is leading to but I’ll be glad when it’s over. Backstage AJ and Cena chatted and after Cena made a “it’s never gonna happen” comment, AJ made him revise it. Could there be a Cena/AJ romance on the cards?

The next match was William Regal v The Big Show. Regal was looking for revenge after Big Show stormed into a pub and beat down he and Sheamus. FYI, that place looked nothing like a pub. Big Show really took it to Regal and it was a real nothing-held-back fight. Whilst I miss Regal on my TV, I don’t want to see the old guy get hurt and, by the looks on his chest after the match, I think that’s a likely outcome if Regal had a more full-time role. Big Show got the win and went to cause more damage with a WMD but, luckily, Sheamus saved the day.

Kaitlyn vs Layla was our next match with the two buxom beauties going head-to-head for the #1 Contender Position at Survivor Series. I’m not going to rant about the state of the divas division but Kaitlyn and Layla are best friends and they’re fighting. No build up, no emotion and no connection. Kaitlyn picked up the win and she and Eve stared each other down afterwards.

Now, I’m about to get on my soapbox. I love WWE. I am never shocked and, as you can tell from this blog, nothing really bothers me. However, WWE’s decision to air real life footage of Jerry Lawler receiving CPR and defibrillation after suffering a heart attack was despicable. Now, a lot of people have defended it saying that Lawler OK’d it and such but even so, it was not appropriate. I’m not a person who thinks we should bring back Attitude Era and blood so I can’t be accused of being a hypocrite. But a man lay there, in the back of an ambulance, fighting for his life and WWE chose to send a camera man? I find that disrespectful. I like when WWE blurs reality and fiction, I think it keeps people on the edge but this was too much. Now, as an adult, it wasn’t too traumatising. I just felt it was inappropriate. But for a PG show?

Now, what I didn’t have a problem with is what happened next. Jerry Lawler came out and gave a big speech about surviving and it was truly emotional to see everyone on their feet. This then cued CM Punk to come out. What then unfolded was CM Punk and Heyman berating Lawler, saying that Punk caused his heart attack and then Heyman and Punk orchestrated a fake heart attack with Punk throwing up the ‘X’ and such. That didn’t bother me because Punk is a fictional character and it’s not the first time WWE have used Lawler’s personal life as part of the show.

Mick Foley then came to the ring to yell at Punk. The Foley/Punk feud now makes no real sense considering the fact that Punk is out of the Survivor Series gambit but I will be covering that in my Survivor Series Predictions later. Foley got real mad at Punk and said the world doesn’t revolve around him after Punk said everyone else was worthless. It was good stuff.

Backstage, a camera man was filming Brad Maddox’s ass for some YouTube show. I approve.

Then came the clusterfuck segment of the night with what could only be described as a Mid-Card Mash-Up. The next match was an 8… yes, 8, man tag match. It was Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd vs The Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. The match wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great nor was it good enough to be on Raw. Each man was trying to get a decent amount of time but it ended up being too many tags happening too quick. It was like an orgy in the dark. Bodies everywhere, people reaching out not sure who they’re going to touch next. Justin Gabriel picked up the win after a Rey Mysterio assist.

Backstage, The Miz jockeyed for a position in the WWE Raw Active vote for who would fill the remaining Team Foley position. Ziggler argued that Miz was a quitter and wasn’t fit for any team. Foley then challenged Ziggler to offer up two members of his team to face two members of his. Ziggler decided on Team Rhodes Scholars and Foley decided on Kane and the viewer’s choice. He then told Ziggler that “Amy Schumer says hi”. For those who don’t know, Amy Schumer is a fabulous comedian and former girlfriend of Ziggler’s. And, in her defence, she played along on Twitter after being challenged by Vickie Guerrero.

https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/268203921800060928

For those who haven’t heard/seen any of Amy’s comedy, I recommend her album Cutting.

Then we had R Truth v Lord Tensai. I can’t even. Just. No. If you care, Truth won but the real loser here was the WWE Universe, am I right?

Then came the moment we were all waiting for and by “we” I mean, me and my penis. Brad Maddox’s in-ring debut. Maddox faced Ryback in order to win himself a $1 Million contract at WWE. So, would Maddox get to live his dream of being a superstar? Would weeks of discussion, scandal and promo work be the kick star to a fresh and bright career for Maddox? No. The answer is no because WWE sucks and there is no God. Ryback literally destroyed Maddox and bought the rogue ref’s storyline to a close with a thud. I have no idea why WWE chose to not give Maddox a contract, maybe he just wasn’t ready yet but what really was the point in Maddox’s involvement. In bringing back Vince McMahon? This reeks to me of creative going somewhere but it all changing last minute. But hey, who knows, Maddox could still turn up… but more on that in my Survivor Series predictions.

David Otunga v Sheamus was the next offering and Sheamus picked up an easy win. However, Big Show turned up on the titantron to ruin Sheamus’ celebrations. Now, Big Show had Regal and was threatening to punch him. So Sheamus, rather than running backstage, stood and watched. AFTER Show punched Regal, THEN Sheamus ran backstage. What… a bad friend.

A Josh Matthews updated announced that Regal had a concussion and a potential broken jaw.

Then came the Team Foley v Team Ziggler match. Of sorts. Team Rhodes Scholars went up against Kane and his partner… The Miz! But Kane had other problems on his mind as, before coming to the ring, Daniel Bryan expressed his unhappiness of his tag team boo sharing the ring with another man. Kane tried to shake it off but a jealous Bryan decided to follow Miz to the ring.

The tag match was pretty good and Miz played his face role well right off the bat. I don’t love it but I’m making do. After Miz capitalised using Bryan as a human shield, Kane hit the chokeslam for the win.

Then we had John Cena v CM Punk. It was a PPV worthy bout, as always and it’s a shame to see these two giving away this match on Raw but, hey, who am I to complain? Paul Heyman tried to interfere where possible but a cowardly Punk was thwarted by Ryback who sauntered down to the ring which allowed Cena to hit the AA for the win. Afterwards, all 3 men stared at the prize… the WWE Championship.

So, what might happen on Sunday? Look out for my predictions.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Time To Get Survivor Serious

This week’s Raw was coming from my home country of the UK and boy what a show! The Birmingham crowd were on fire, butts were bubblier than ever and I have to say, it’s been one of the strongest UK editions of the show I’ve seen in a while. But what went down? Read on, my loves!

Raw opened up with an angry Miz telling Paul Heyman that CM Punk is a coward. Heyman told Miz that he needed to get onboard along with the rest of the team. Miz, however, wasn’t having any of it and abruptly quit Team Punk.

The first match of the night was 6-man tag action with Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara and R Truth teaming up against The Prime Time Players and Antonio Cessaro. Admittedly, it was more of a 4 against 3 match because I’m pretty sure Rey’s stomach counts for a 4^th person. Those black latex shirts aren’t fooling anyone, Rey.

It was a so-so match with your usual fair which resulted in R Truth picking up the win.

Then it was time for Vickie Guerrero to have her say. For those who have been hiding in a hole (I know a few holes I wouldn’t mind hiding in), Vickie is currently the Raw Managing Supervisor which is WWE’s way of trying to get around the fact the GM role never stays filled for long. Vickie believes that AJ Lee and John Cena were having an affair whilst AJ was General Manager. Now, I don’t understand the issue here because both AJ and John are unmarried and they can do what and whoever they want. Vickie, however, had more footage.

Cena came to the ring to see exactly what the incriminating evidence was and this time it was juicier. It involved towels and sneaking around. It was like the entire segment was produced by Jerry Sandusky. Cena, however, maintained his plea of innocence saying that all the evidence was circumstantial. Vickie disagreed and wanted to hear AJ’s side of the story. AJ, however, wasn’t willing to come to the ring as she’d want to punch Vickie in the face and well, if she does that then she’s fired and said she wouldn’t be able to do what she loves to do. Dolph Ziggler then turned up and told AJ we all know what she loves to do. Ziggler is so Mean Girls. I love it. With that Cena darted out the ring and Vickie screeched with joy.

Backstage, Paul Heyman tried to convince Wade Barrett to join Team Punk at Survivor Series. Whilst initially hesitant, Barrett eventually agreed.

The next match was Daniel Bryan v Cody Rhodes. The match was actually pretty good but a distraction from Kane and Damien Sandow allowed Cody to pick up the win. Afterwards, Cody took to the mic to lisp his way through some gloating. He also said that his partner Damien Sandow could easily beat Kane and with that we had an impromptu Kane v Damien Sandow match!

Kane and Sandow really went at it but Bryan and Rhodes were proving to be distracting. After Cody ran into the ring to avoid a Daniel Bryan beatdown, the referee expelled both of them from ringside. This allowed Kane to hit Sandow with a chokeslam for the win.

It was then time for Brad Maddox to explain himself. I strongly believed he should’ve come out butt naked and shook that cute little tush and all would be forgiven. Alas, it wasn’t to be but Maddox’s ample glutes were well displayed in the trousers he was wearing. Anyway, back to the action as Maddox explained his reasons for interfering in the Punk v Ryback WWE Championship Match. Maddox said that he’d be in FCW for a long time and was told that he wouldn’t make it. He believes it’s because he’s not tall or fast enough. That he doesn’t fit in. It was your usual fodder but the guy looked totally cute the entire time so, take a look.

After the speech, Mr McMahon came out and offered Maddox a contract if he’s able to beat Ryback on next week’s Raw.

Once Maddox had left the ring, Mr McMahon bought out Vickie Guerrero. He said that it seemed odd to not have Punk defend his title at Survivor Series. After trying to get Dolph the gig, Vickie eventually gave in and announced Ryback as the opponent. But Mr McMahon didn’t want it to end there, he said it should be a triple threat match but who should the opponent be? Ah yes, John Cena. Vickie reluctantly agreed and the match was made. And that’s how WWE works folks. Other people make decisions and then Vince steps in and forces them to change their mind.

Sheamus took on The Miz in the next match and I was pleasantly surprised. First of all, The Big Show was on commentary and I have to say he was a delight. His anger at Michael Cole was brilliant. And the match? It was great! The Miz and Sheamus really pulled out the stops and it was a genuine nail biter. Also, Miz wore blue. Bitch looks good in blue.

Backstage, Dolph Ziggler was pacing outside Mr McMahon’s office. Vickie exited and had great news, now that Punk was no longer team captain, Dolph will take the helm. So it’ll now be Team Foley v Team Ziggler. CM Punk, however, was not best pleased and expressed his displeasure to Vickie. She then announced that Ziggler and Punk would team up to face Ryback and Cena!

Then it looked like we were getting a promo for a new diva as Sex & The City-esque music played and bright colours flashed. Turns out it’s for a new Superstar by the name of Fandangoo. Rumour has it Fandangoo will be Johnny Curtis’ new gimmick. However, it seems like WWE had a few spelling issues because on Smackdown, they dropped one of the ‘O’s. Homo they didn’t.

Now, usually when WWE does UK shows there’s some sort of UK segment. Someone drinking tea or someone dressed as The Queen. But no. None of that. The most British thing was Sheamus and William Regal backstage deciding to go for a pint. Tip of me ‘at for that guv’nor.

Diva action was up next as Layla and Kaitlyn teamed up against Eve and Aksana. I have to say that these women (let’s be honest, minus Aksana) are very good in the ring. Eve’s clearly sprucing up her moves and Layla’s new high-risk move set works like a dream. It even helped she and Kaitlyn pick up the win.

Backstage once more where Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez discussed the fact that ADR wasn’t team captain. Then he bumped into Rosa Mendes. The two seemed to have chemistry so watch out for a storyline there.

ADR’s opponent for the night would be Kofi Kingston. Kingston was seemingly set to lose as ADR put on a beat down. However, Randy Orton’s music hit and caused a distraction which allowed Kofi to roll ADR up for the win. After the match, ADR ran into an RKO by Orton. Orton’s face, however, seems to have been ran into by too much botox. His face is so puffed up. Maybe he had an allergic reaction to some fake tan. Or y’know. Pills again.

More tag action in the next match which was Primo and Epico Fail vs Zack Ryder and Santino. Not worth discussing really. Ryder and Santino won.

Wade Barrett then had a match against Brodus Clay. A weird pairing but they had to give Barrett a match since he was on home turf. The crowd were freakin’ electric as they watched Barrett pick up the inevitable win.

3 man band member Heath Slater then went up against one of the Usos. I can’t even. This three hour thing is really starting to not work out, you guys.

Then it was main event time and boy was it a doozy. Dolph and Punk really lay into Cena for the duration of the match and Dolph hitting elbow drop after elbow drop was particularly brutal. Ryback, meanwhile, was foaming at the mouth to be let into the match up. He soon got his way and cleared house and picked up the win.

Afterwards, he and Cena stared each other down.

I’m still not buying into Ryback as a character with longevity but good luck to the guy.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Refereeasy On The Eyes

This week’s Raw certainly raised a few questions about what direction WWE is going in and I can’t say I hate it. But what exactly happened this week? Read on, Mon Cherie.

Raw opened this week with CM Punk and blowhard Paul Heyman who acted as Punk’s mouthpiece yet again. Heyman explained that he and Punk were holding Raw hostage, due to the injustice of the previous week when CM Punk lost against John Cena despite having his foot on the rope. To smooth this injustice, Heyman called out Referee Brad Maddox to the ring to apologies and resign.

Maddox agreed and came to the ring. Side note, how hot is Maddox? He’s actually a wrestler whose real name is Brent Wellington and he was previously part of FCW (or NXT as it’s now known). Anyways, he’s got a banging ass which looks even better in tights.

Courtesy of Just Us Boys Forum

Moving on, Maddox did apologise saying he genuinely didn’t see what happened but he refused to resign. He then explained that he was actually called upon last minute by AJ Lee, the GM, as a replacement. For those who aren’t in the know, the NFL (American Football) recently had a referee crisis in which their referees went on strike. In response, NFL drafted in some “replacement referees” who weren’t so good thus creating lots of controversy and WWE decided to use it for leverage.

So, Punk then used to opportunity to berate the GM causing her to come out and defend herself. Maddox left the ring and AJ faced Heyman and Punk. Punk then decided he’d mock AJ and her previous breakdown in which she proposed to him because nobody had ever really been nice to her. This resulted in Paul Heyman proposing to AJ, promising they’d become a power couple akin to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. AJ decided to slap him instead.

Backstage, Sexy Ref apologised to AJ for what happened. She got all weird and said she’d fire him if it ever happened again. Bitch per-lease.

The first match of the night was Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston. Ziggler was accompanied by Vickie as always and Kofi was accompanied by tag team partner R Truth and his imaginary friend Little Jimmy. Vickie decided to mock Little Jimmy whilst he was sat down, enraging Truth who confronted her. In all fairness, Jimmy was just having a nice drink and some popcorn. Anyways, things got heated, R Truth threw water at Vickie and both were ejected from ringside.

The match got underway and I have to say it was brilliant. JR was right; it turned very quickly into a main event match up with lots of finish fake outs and just generally cool moves. Ultimately, it was Dolph who would pick up the win over Kofi.

It was then announced that John Cena has had surgery on his elbow and would discuss his future.

We then had another Daniel Bryan/Kane/Doctor Shelby Anger Management session. These have been a real highlight and I implore you to check it out.

Match two was the Prime Time Players v Zack Ryder and Santino Morella. WWE really does seem to be giving more light to Tag Teams but I am nervous about the number of tag team matches on WWE programming over singles. I understand it’s a way of displaying as much talent as possible but it can get a little predictable. Anyways, it was a good match and the Prime Time Players are getting better with each bout. They picked up the win.

Then out came Mick Foley. Honestly, I don’t want to recap it. His speech to Punk about being a legend and not a statistic was awesome.

WATCH!

Then it was The Miz v Ryback. Here’s where I eat humble pie. I argued that Ryback wouldn’t last very long and that he sucks. I stand by the sucks comment but it’s obvious the crowd love him for some reason. Maybe it’s to do with his resemblance to loveable funnyman Will Sasso. Who knows. And, actually, his match against The Miz wasn’t terrible. The Miz got a few shots in. The show, however, was stolen by a crazed fan who ran into the ring and was immediately tackled. I thought it was just some schtick but clearly it wasn’t. Maybe it was one of the jobbers Ryback destroyed? Both men were extremely professional and carried on, with Ryback picking up the win.

Then we had more anger management.

Backstage, in AJ’s office, she wanted to make it clear to all referees including Sexy Ref that it should be business as normal and they should go out there and do what they do best. After the referees left and I stopped thinking about what I’d like to do to Maddox, Alberto Del Rio came in flunked by David Otunga and Ricardo Rodriguez. The men weren’t happy and AJ knew saying they deserved some sort of vengeance and would all team up against Sheamus, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara.

Then the Wade Barrett onslaught continued with a fantastic win over Tyson Kidd.

Michael Cole then took to the ring to interview Jerry Lawler. WWE handled the episode of Raw where Jerry had the heart attack really well but, once they realised Lawler was alive and kicking, they’re milking that cash cow until it’s dry. I think trying to profit from a heart attack is terrible but it’s not surprising. Not only did they trail Lawler’s interview like it was the rising of Christ but now they’re selling a Long Live The King t-shirt. Mamma mia. Jerry does look good though. Keep well, King.

Then it was time for 6 man tag action. Botchamania favourites Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up with Sheamus to face ADR, Otunga and Ricardo. The match was what you’d expect but it got the point across and didn’t make me want to rip my own eyeballs out too much. Sin Cara picked up the win with a Sheamus assist and then Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Otunga. And balance is restored.

Then we got another instalment off Diner Anger Management.

After that, it was time for Daniel Bryan and Kane to come out and discover what their tag team name would be. The suggestions were generally horrible and they were all prefixed by the word “team” which is clearly WWE’s way of jumping onto the Twilight Team Edward/Jacob/Bella nonsense. Anyways, the Universe plumbed for Team Hell No but, before they could celebrate, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow jumped in to attack them.

Cody then took to the mic and announced they would be known as Team Rhodes Scholars. It seems a little mean to give a guy with a lisp that many s’s but he managed. I guess this “team” thing is going to stick. Might cause confusion come Survivor Series.

After that  got some Divas Tag Action with Layla and Alicia Fox facing Beth Phoenix and Eve. It was actually a good match and you can’t fault Eve’s wrestling. I am surprised that she can fall on her face without those teeth getting stuck in the mat though.

After Eve stole a win from Beth, Kaitlyn came out and said she remembers that the person who attacked her at Night Of Champions was blonde. Eve immediately pinned it on Beth and took her out. But who could it be (note: definitely not Kelly Kelly… bye, bitch, btw)? Either way, it’s nice to see the Divas getting a real storyline. Nothing like a good whodunit.

Funkasaurus Brodus Clay went against Lord Tensai next. It was a boring match until Big Show came out and knocked both men out. I don’t know if it was even for anything other than to break up what was a very dull bout.

Then it was time for Cena to face the public. He came out and did his usual schtick of saying he’s had a shit week, that he’s not sure if he can go on. Then he, as always, contradicted himself, and said that he’d make sure he was ready to face Punk at Hell In A Cell. I’m actually excited for that match and I love Cena but I think the guy should take a break. He’s just had surgery. I fear he’ll end up doing himself way too much damage.

Punk then came out and berated him and told Cena to get out of his ring. Punk and Heyman gave him to the count of three but, as Punk turned, Cena grabbed a steel pipe from his shorts (giggle) and beat on Punk with it.

Backstage, Punk sloped back still in pain from the attack. There, he noticed Mick Foley and decided to beat him up. Punk walked away but attempted to go back but he was stopped in his tracks by a terrifying sight… Ryback. Hahaha, I know right? Anyways, Punk walked away.

So what does this mean? Well, WWE are focussing more on Tag Teams and Divas. The Superheavyweights are probably going to have a superheavyweight feud and Ryback is probably going to be pushed to the main event. I mostly don’t hate it. Mostly.

Until next time,

XO-WB