Old School Recap

Hey all.

I’m aware I’ve not posted much recently so I wanted to make it up to you by kicking it OLD SCHOOL. That’s right, a full blown recap.

So the show opened with Stephanie McMahon, the love of my life in the dark timeline where I’m straight, talking about Daniel Bryan. For those who don’t remember, Steph decided that Daniel  needed a “corporate makeover” in order to make Vince happy.

It was time for the big unveiling complete with length video package. What were we to see? A whole new Daniel with shaved beard and new haircut? I mean, this is Raw, they’re not going to do some crappy segment right? Right?

Turns out the big makeover was Daniel having hairgel put in his hair and him wearing a suit. Then it went from bad to worse. Stephanie left the ring after congratulating Corporate Daniel Bryan. Vince then made his way down and said that, if Daniel wants his approval, he has to shave his beard. Wade Barrett came down with a barber’s chair and some clippers and it ended up in a strange brawl. Daniel then took to the mic to talk about he was a wrestler and not some corporate stooge.

Then we had RVD v Alberto Del Rio. We were then re-introduced to Ricardo Rodriguez who was touted as returning from “severe injury”. The severe injury was to his judgement, as Ricardo was actually back from a Wellness Violation ban. The match had its usual shenanigans as Ricardo set up the bucket in the corner for ADR to throw RVD into. However, it didn’t go to plan as Ricardo ended up hitting the metal and RVD picked up the win.

Infuriated at this, ADR then beat down Ricardo and even crushed his head between steel steps. It was pretty brutal.

Cody Rhodes came to the ring after a break with an interesting package (naughty). We were then shown the footage from Smackdown (which has been great recently) of Cody stealing the briefcase and then throwing into the ocean then the subsequent brawls. I’m loving Cody v Damien so it was fun to see it in a nice little video.

Cody then revealed that in the box was the Money In The Bank briefcase which had been fished from the ocean. It was not in good health and Damien Sandow made his way to the ring to get it. Cody acted as if though he didn’t want a fight but pulled a fast one and ended up being beat down by Cody.

Our next match was Ryback v Mark Henry. Henry has sadly lost his big momentum from the fake retirement speech and this match was short lived as Ryback left the ring for a 10 count.

Backstage, Total Divas The Bella Twins were joined by Eva Marie to discuss how they hated Natalya. Natalya then showed up to slap one of The Bellas and Eva Marie tried to pretend that she could act. If you haven’t watched Total Divas yet then do. It’s hilarious. Also, I totally think they should give Seamstress Sandra from Episode 2 her own show. Obsessed.

Cena then came out to reply to Daniel Bryan. Bryan basically accused Cena of just being an entertainer whilst he is a wrestler. Cena didn’t like that very much and explained how he had loads of titles. Cena even acknowledged the “you can’t wrestle” chants which, let’s be honest, is one of the douchiest chants in WWE. The guy has put his body through years of pain and put on some great matches yet the crowd continue to chant “you can’t wrestle” just because Cena didn’t earn his spot via the indies. Cena pretty much addressed that point saying that working in Japan doesn’t mean you’re the greatest and that it takes much more to make it in the WWE.

Then, for some reason, Randy Orton showed up. Orton couldn’t have walked any slower to the ring as Michael Cole screamed that he might be cashing in. There was no cash-in and instead Orton reminded Cena that Daniel Bryan wasn’t the only person he should worry about. With that, The Shield then made their way to the ring to beat down slash fiction’s favourite couple and Daniel Bryan joined the mix to even things up. Brad Maddox as his beefy ass then came out to announce a 6-man tag match.

Tons of Funk v The Wyatt Family was the next match and The Wyatt Family destroyed the crowd favourite. Afterwards, they were beaten up and Bray Wyatt did his usual speech but, admittedly, he was mumbling slightly so at one point I’m pretty sure he announced he was gay.

Then Kane appeared to announce he was still the Devil’s favourite demon and that Bray had better fear him.

CM Punk and Josh Matthews had an awkward interview. CM Punk is mad, y’all.

Layla then made her way to the ring and revealed she turned on Kaitlyn because she was sick of her getting all the attention. I much prefer evil Layla to nice Layla so it’s good to have her back. And Layla aligning with AJ is also awesome. It’d be great to get LayCool back though.

Anyways, Layla v Kaitlyn got underway and Layla did every dirty trick in the book which even included hanging from the top rope like a sloth. Eventually, AJ would cause a distraction to allow Layla to pick up the win.

Christian also won a match vs Heath Slater.

CM Punk v Curtis Axel followed that and Curtis Axel was basically used as a hype man for Brock Lesnar. After winning the match, Punk went after Paul Heyman and Brock came out. I hate to admit it, but I’m loving Punk and Lesnar together. It’s a great story. The two had a brutal fight on the outside and it began to look like Punk was going to get hold of Heyman but, alas, it wasn’t to be as Punk was hit with the F5 by Lesnar.

Afterwards, Heyman challenged Punk to a match.

Kofi Kingston came out in long tights and defeated Fandango. Way to cover up the only thing that made you interesting, Kofi.

Backstage an upset Stephanie spoke to Triple H saying that Vince went crazy at her because the makeover segment was a disaster. Triple H was incensed and accused Vince of being crazy. It’s Game Of Thrones you guys. Vince is Mad King Aaerys Targaryen and Triple H is Robert Baratheon ready to slay him. Triple H said Vince was out to ruin Summerslam and that he’s causing the ship to sink. I definitely think we’re going to see a new McMahon/Helmsley era with Stephanie and Triple H officially taking over control of the WWE. And you know what? I freaking love it.

The Real Americans also had a match against The Usos. Zeb did his usual speech but went for the cheap pop about the local football team. Seriously, if you’re not from that town, it’s hard to care. There’s plenty to talk about, Zeb. Go crazy!

The Real Americans picked up the win.

Dolph Ziggler v Big E Langston was the next match and these two had a score to settle. It appeared as if Dolph was getting the upperhand until Kaitlyn came to the ring. She ran at AJ who, for some reason, decided to mount her and the brawl eventually entered the ring.

This allowed distraction enough for Big E to beat down Dolph and pick up the win.

The Main Event was the 6 man tag and boy was it a doozy. The Shield were using their numbers game and ended up getting disqualified. Then, Randy Orton hit his RKO on both Cena and Daniel Bryan. It looked as if he was going to cash in but it never happened because The Shield intervened. However, Randy decided to let The Shield beat down his team mates as he walked away.

Heel Orton is so much fun. Maybe we’ll see a Viper cash in at Summerslam?

Until next time,

XO-TWB

TLC What I Think Will Happen

No Raw recap today. I know, I suck. But, whatever. So tonight I’m very excited because we have my favourite PPV… TLC! But, what will come of the matches? It wouldn’t be a PPV without my terrible, fangirly and never-correct predictions.

PRE-SHOW “Santa’s Helper” #1 Contender Battle Royal (For Divas Championship)

This stipulation is no doubt going to be ho ho horrible as WWE try to give pervs with a red velvet and fur fetish an early Christmas present. Up for a shot are Kaitlyn, Alicia Fox, Layla, Rosa Mendes, Natalya, Aksana, Cameron, Naomi and Tamina. I’m going to guess that Tamina either gets taken out pre-match or during by AJ, who has been left out of this title opportunity. Of course, that’d be a continuation of a Divas Storyline but who knows?

Not all these women have a shot. Out of the running for a shot are: Aksana, Naomi, Cameron and Rosa. Which leaves Kaitlyn, Layla, Alicia and Natalya. My heart tells me that I’d like to see Natalya win and finally get a shot against Eve. However, I think it’ll come down to Layla and Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn has already had a shot for the title and lost and Layla was a previous champion. I’m going to have a guess and say that Layla picks up the win.

Prediction: Layla

Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara vs Team Rhodes Scholars – Tables Match for #1 Contendership

Another #1 Contendership match. I’m not hating this one though as I love tables matches. TLC is one of my favourite PPVs. Seriously, I cannot describe how excited I am for this thing. Anyways,Team Rhodes Scholars were on track for a great feud with Team Hell No until Cody was sadly injured. This gives enough of a story for them to feud again for the Tag Team Titles. Also, it seems like WWE aren’t really invested in the Mysterio/Cara, they haven’t given them a “cool” team name. How about Team Wellness Violation?

Anyways, I’m going to say that Team Rhodes Scholars pick up the win.

Prediction: Team Rhodes Scholars

Antonio Cesaro v R Truth (US Title)

This match has no stipulation which just adds to my disinterest. Cesaro is impressive but his character is terrible. I don’t like it when they do “foreign” characters that spend all their time saying how they hate Americans and prefer their homelands. THEN GO HOME! It never makes any sense and R Truth has lost all momentum since his return.

I’m going to predict that R Truth gets the win. Mr McMahon seemed highly amused when he introduced him the other week on Raw and that gives him a strong thumbs up.

Prediction: R Truth

Kofi Kingston v Wade Barrett (Intercontinental Championship)

Another match with no stipulation. I’m not overly bored by that but I think it’s a crying shame. Kofi’s leaping ability always looks awesome in Ladder Matches and Wade’s brutality would be great if he had a chair or table in his arsenal.

This feud has sort of come out of nowhere, as the match was announced via the announce booth. Wade has been making strides since his return and I’d like to see Kofi lose just because of the super annoying “Wildcat” nickname WWE have decided to give him.

My guess is that Wade picks up the win.

Prediction: Wade Barrett

Big Show v Sheamus – Chairs Match (World Heavyweight Title)

This little feud has been going on longer than any of us expected but boy-oh-boy has it been good. Big Show’s new found anger has channelled well and Sheamus’ cheeky chappy Irish ways have really gotten under his skin. The chairs element is a fun one as both these men could destroy the other.

But who will win? That’s a tough one for me because it’s a hard one to predict. You have to wonder if the Money In The Bank Match between Cena and Ziggler will somehow tie into this. How great would it be if Dolph cashed in his contract before his match with Cena?

More on that later, but I’m going to say that Big Show picks up the win.

Prediction: Big Show

John Cena v Dolph Ziggler (Money In The Bank Ladder Match)

This match is shady to me and I hate that Ziggler’s contract is up for grabs yet again. It shouldn’t be allowed to be at risk like a title is. Once you win it, that’s your guaranteed opportunity. It weakens one of my favourite stipulations.

Anyways, I’m going to go crazy and predict that this match doesn’t go to plan. I think that Ziggler will cash in the briefcase before his match with Cena thus making the match slightly void. Vickie Guerrero will then come out and gloat only to have Mr McMahon come out and force Vickie to make Dolph defend his newly earned title in a Ladders Match.

I think then The Shield will get involved and fight the injustice, taking Cena down and allowing Ziggler to pick up the win.

If this idea doesn’t work, I’m going to say that Ziggler wins anyway.

Prediction: Ziggler

Team Hell No & Ryback vs The Shield – TLC Match

I have been often derogatory about Ryback but there’s no denying the guy has gotten popular. Feed Me More chants have taken over the WWE and I am not afraid to admit I was wrong. I’m no fan of Ryback but I hate The Shield more than him, so I’m Team Hell & ‘Back (you likey?) for this one.

CM Punk’s injury shocked everyone but the champ looks to be OK and won’t be out for too long. Obviously, there are some people that say Punk is faking and the whole thing is a work. It’d be a great twist to have CM Punk run down and screw over Ryback only to have, say, The Rock come down and beat on him.

I don’t think that’ll happen.

What I do think though is that The Shield will be taken out and Team Hell & ‘Back will pick up the win.

Prediction: Team Hell No and Ryback

So, that’s what I think.

What do YOU think?

Let me know.

XO-TWB

Vince McSlammed

This week’s Raw was actually quite enjoyable. I am, however, a super McFahon (that’s a Fan of the McMahon Family) so any appearance by any of them was always going to bolster my enjoyment. It was also the first 3 hour Raw. I’m currently reviewing the way I recap because 3 hour Raws are going to be a bitch to do in this current format. So if you’ve any ideas, let me know.

The show opened with J-Lau who was surprisingly chipper considering he was having a job evaluation. It’s been a point of contention amongst WWE fans because we’re all pretty sure Vince got stripped of his day to day duties. But, it’s Vince so I decided to let it go. Before J-Lau could get past even introducing himself, Vince’s music hit and the crowd went wild. I love Vince’s strut and often try to emulate it but I was chastised for mocking Cerebral Palsy so had to stop. Vince even did a backwards strut; it was a thing of beauty.

In the ring, J-Lau extended his hand but Vince refused noting that he didn’t know where it’d been. Ooh, bitch please. Vince then waved away J-Lau’s insistence that he was an astute businessman blaming him for the 2 lawsuits that came with the Lesnar signing. I was torn here because, technically, it was Triple H’s fault but at the same time… Brock Lesnar is a prick. Vince then continued explaining that The Big Show’s signing was also a bad idea as he’s not performed effectively since 1999. I found this ironic on the same night in which The Great Khali in a number one contender’s match was deemed a good idea. More on that later.

The party was then interrupted by Sheamus. Sheamus came to the ring and it seemed like he was going to defend J-Lau but he actually launched into a tirade against him. This was interrupted by Vince who announced that “#firejohnny” was trending worldwide. This is what we’ve come to; the Chairman of WWE announcing hashtags live on air. In led me to wish that Vince had a Twitter too but I guess the parody accounts can tide me over.

It all came to an end when Vince warned J-Lau that he had to impress or he will be fired. Vince then left the ring on J-Lau’s scooter which he then drove off the stage. RIP Scooter. J-Lau vowed revenge on Sheamus announcing he’d have a match against… Lord Tensai. Eurgh.

The Tensai match sucked and Sheamus got the win. Backstage, Vince, J-Lau and Teddy discussed who might be Del Rio’s replacement at No Way Out. Vickie interrupted suggesting her two clients get in on the action. It was then left to Teddy to suggest a Fatal Fourway… Ziggler, Swagger, Christian and… THE GREAT KHALI. FREAKIN’ KHALI?! The only push he should be getting is in a wheelchair. He can barely walk. Vince declared it a “great” idea. I hope he was being sarcastic.

After the break we were back in the ring where Tensai and his Japanese Lover Sakamoto were standing awkwardly. It appeared as if though they’d waited an entire ad break for something. Turns out, it was for Tensai to beat up his lover. It was like Brokeback but breathy-ier and just plain weird. Obviously, this was an attempt to make Tensai seem domineering but it just came across as two angry lesbians having a fall out.

Backstage once more to R Truth and Matt Striker. Truth was basically sounding off about Big Show saying that he’s going to lose against Cena. This didn’t go down so well with Big Show, who knocked Truth out with the WMD. I must admit, I’m not keen on the Big Show angle but the WMD is a bad ass move.

A rare mixed tag match was next with Santino Morella teaming with Layla to face the team of Beth Phoenix and Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer… Ricardo Rodriguez. The match was actually pretty fun and it seemed to be the Divas wrestling properly and the two men joking outside. The joking was actually quite fun and Ricardo running into the ring post was a personal highlight. However, Beth annihilated Layla with the GlamSlam to pick up the win. Afterwards, Santino and Ricardo tussled which led to Santino angrily tearing open Ricardo’s shirt. However, things got super homo as it was revealed that Ricardo was wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt underneath. Brilliant.

Backstage, David Otunga began complimenting Vince on his physique and suggested that, if J-Lau were to be fired, he’d be the perfect replacement. This didn’t go down well with Vince who announced that he hates lawyers. An angry Kofi stormed in, wanting Big Show’s blood for beating up his partner. J-Lau intervened announcing Kofi as Show’s opponent in a warm-up cage match.

Daniel Bryan then made his way to the ring. He said that he was the obvious winner because he wasn’t being distracted like Punk and Kane were. The reason for the distraction? AJ. Bryan said that AJ may still love him but he feels nothing for her. He also made a great joke that 2^nd base for Kane is someone not throwing up when they look at him. He then made the proclamation that “one you’ve gone Bryan, there’s no point in tryin’. He ACTUALLY said that. I actually used to have a saying like that myself “One sexy night with me, you’ve definitely got an STD”.

Punk then interrupted saying that Bryan was delusional and questioned how AJ could love anybody who had a “goatface”. Kane then came out to reel off a strange CV which included electrocuting Shane McMahon’s testicles. AJ then ran to the ring, wanting them to stop arguing. She told Kane that deep down she knew he had a heart, she told Bryan that she will always love him and she told Punk that well, HE’S JUST SOOOOO CUTE AND FRICKIN’ AWESOME!11. I must be fair to AJ, that’s how I react every time Dolph or Cody are on my screen. J-Lau’s face then appeared on the titantron where he announced that Kane and Bryan will team up against Punk and… AJ. Ooooh.

Then it was Fatal Fourway time. After the real wrestlers got rid of Khali who made things so slow I had to check my TV settings, it all got very awesome. Dolph was magnificent as always but there were some great near falls and submissions. The big scandal was Dolph screwing over Swagger to eliminate him. Obviously, the pull away from Team Vickie continues. It was then down to Christian and Dolph. And I am thrilled to say that DOLPH WON! HE ACTUAL WON! HE COULD BECOME CHAMPION! I’m not getting ahead of myself but I’ve bought a bottle of champagne just in case.

Backstage once more and Vince was cornered by Natalya who wanted him to bring back the Hart Family in some sort of reunion. Vince looked as interested in that proposition as I would be a lesbian three-way. Vince walked away but was interrupted by Naomi and Cameron aka the Funkadactyls. They wanted Vince to overturn J-Lau’s decision to remove Brodus from Raw and only have him on Smackdown. Vince, however, refused to overturn the decision. The two girls were upset but decided to instead get funky with Vince in what is one of my favourite moments ever. The entire thing was capped off by Zack Ryder whose shocked face was absolutely brilliantly timed and executed. The excitement on his face when Vince fist pumped the air yelling “woo woo woo” was just brilliant. It’s also the face I pull every time someone on WWE gets a wedgie.

Ryback then squashed two more thin, weedy wrestlers. I don’t understand how WWE thinks that makes him look tough. It’s like a jock beating up two nerds. It isn’t tough or cool, it’s weak and cowardly. I wish it’d stop as it’s getting boring. WWE has too much of this going on. We’ve got Sin Cara defeating everyone, we’ve got Big Show knocking everyone out, we’ve got Tensai throwing his weight around and Ryback doing the same. It’s getting boring, very quick and it isn’t how you build someone. Look at Ziggler. He loses most of his matches yet his in-ring skill and character are so good… he doesn’t need to win to be a winner.

Things went from bad to worse as, backstage, Vince and Hornswaggle mocked JR. The guy is a WWE Legend. He’s popular with fans. To mock his Bell’s Palsy isn’t fair and disrespectful. I don’t approve at all.

Cena then showed up to suggest that Vince should do the right thing and fire J-Lau. Vince told Cena to worry about himself and not get involved in the Kofi/Show cage match. Cena reassured Vince that he wouldn’t do so as Kofi had already asked him not to. Convenient. Otunga then turned up again and things got awesome as Vince, after declaring Otunga a sycophant, said he’d never respect anyone who could actually pucker up and kiss and guy’s ass. We then cut to an annoyed looking William Regal.

It was then time for the Big Show/Kofi Kingston cage match. It was exactly as expected and Kofi was utterly destroyed. But hey, we got to hear CAGE MUSIC! WOO!

Sin Cara then defeated Curt Hawkings in a “no shit Sherlock” conclusion.

Daniel Bryan and Vince then spoke backstage and Vince awkwardly mocked Bryan for not looking like a superstar and losing in 18 seconds. Bryan looked pissed and it was confusing really because we’re meant to hate Bryan but that made us hate Vince. But then I realised it was the WWE and just kind of glossed over it in my brain. Along with eating, it’s my coping mechanism.

Then came a nice surprise. The one-off return of Vader! Vader went up against Heath Slater and the man is looking GREAT. He moves better than Khali! It was a great match which he, of course, won to celebrate 1000 episodes of Raw.

Backstage once more and Punk warned AJ not to do anything crazy. Her nodding made it seemed like she understood but the look in her eyes said otherwise.

That match was up next and it was actually pretty good. Punk tried his best to ensure AJ wasn’t tagged in but Punk was shoved into her and the referee registered the tag. The crowd waited with baited breath to see what Kane would do to her but well, she jumped on him, wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him. That’s right. She made out with him. Kane immediately tagged himself out and left the ring to allow Punk to get tagged in and pin Bryan for the win.

Then it was the big decision; would Vince fire J-Lau. I began to contemplate a world without people power and a tear fell from my eye. J-Lau came out and tried to defend himself but it was clear Vince was gearing himself up for a firing. It looked as if it was about to happen until Big Show made his way to the ring. Show tried to defend J-Lau but this was all interrupted by John Cena.

Cena didn’t seem to care so much for the HR nightmare in the ring but instead told Show that he’d made a grave mistake. See, Show has been blaming everyone for his downfalls so if he loses to Cena, he’s only got himself to blame. And, he’ll have to work the rest of his contract knowing that he’s a sell out. The heated words got to Big Show who went for Cena. Security Guards were scattered everywhere as the two men went to brawl. As Vince went to break it up he was met instead by the WMD, knocking him out.

This was on the anniversary of the great Limo explosion which we thought killed Vince but actually didn’t. But, if you looked at Cena’s face… the punch might’ve.

So that was the first 3 hour Raw and my hand hurts doing this recap. Expect a different format next week!

Until then,

XO-WB

Bitch Broadcast 3

Hey everyone!

Sorry for the lack of update but I was being lazy. Meh, what you gonna do?

The 3rd Bitch Broadcast is up and ready for you.

Just click play to listen or just right click this link and save target as.

Marvellous,

XO-WB

A Real Shame…Us

The Royal Rumble was a real controversial event which is why it’s taken me so long to recap. Also, I’ve been super busy leading my secret life as a hands-on underwear salesman to college-age teen boys. The Rumble was certainly one to forget but it wasn’t completely without its memorable moments. Which is a good job, as here is a ruddy recap.

The show started with a Cage Match. It was to be Daniel Bryan v Big Show v Mark Henry for the World Heavyweight Title. The match itself was actually not that bad considering you had one dynamo and two big giants that can’t really do much. Mark Henry got a few good shots in but this match was all about Bryan and The Big Show. Show is still racked with guilt after running over AJ with his moob. I was more than happy, that bitch is annoying. Bryan, however, is just annoying. YES! YES! YES! Yes, he is.

The match came to an end when Big Show surprisingly climbed the cage to stop Daniel Bryan escaping. Big Show had firm grasp of Bryan’s hand but Bryan manage to wriggle free to retain. I mean, OK, it was shorter than it should’ve been and it lacked any amazing moment but let’s be fair… a man lifted another man using one arm. COME ON!

We were then given a John Cena promo package where people all said really nice things about him. I like Cena, he does a lot for the kids and he’s really popular on the Facebook and the Twitter as we’re reminded constantly. HE’S GOT MORE FANS THAN MICHELLE OBAMA!!!11 She’s the first lady guys, lighten up. MORE FOLLOWERS THAN THE DALAI LAMA!!11 He’s a religious figure who you shouldn’t use to gain points, Jesus Christ people. Basically it was a pro-Cena package. I’m also pro-Cena’s package.

The next match was a special HEY MY CLOTHES ARE BRIGHTER THAN YOURS Divas match. It was Beth Phoenix, Natalya and The Bella Twins vs Eve, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox and Tamina. The bad girls were all in blue whilst the good girls all wore orange apart from Tamina who looked like a drag queen. The match was short but it did involve a few good moments like when Kelly Kelly flew into the air. Who knew she was a top? And Beth Phoenix screaming “GET OUTTA MY RING” was also pretty fun. If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that I’d be able to afford a better lawyer in my sexual assault trial. The bad girls won, btw.

From Divas to screamers it was John Cena vs Kane. It was all that embrace the hate/crate/your fate/high interest rate/debate/the fact I’ll be late nonsense that looked like it’d finally come to an end. After what was a pretty mediocre bout, the two men left the ring to duke it out. The referee hit the ten count and both men were counted out. They didn’t care about that though and just carried on fighting. The brawl erupted throughout the arena with Kane tossing off Cena all over the place. Double entendre heyyyyyy. Kane finally managed to dispose of Cena and then went after Zack Ryder who was being staged in what was essentially a poorly constructed sitcom set. After kicking down the door with scary ease, Kane smothered Ryder with his hand and wheeled Ryder down to the ring. Ryder, in the meantime, was doing a weird “disabled” face which made it look like he was mocking the handicap. WOO WOO Woops, I peed myself. Eve ran down to cry a little to add to Ryder’s embarrassment as he was tombstoned. Ever the hero, Cena turned up about 5 minutes to late and got a chokeslam for his troubles. Woopsie. I began to zone out a little as I had spent the previous hour embracing a Vodka bottle.

We were then shown a promo for The Rock. Cena’s promo was about how much he liked the business, how he cared for his fans and didn’t want to do anything else. The Rock’s promoted his new movie and the fact he likes big trucks. Go figure.

Then, for some reason, WWE thought it’d be nice for us to see a Brodus Clay/Drew McIntyre match. No, me neither. Apparently, Drew had requested it from Teddy Long and you can find the full explanation on WWE.com. How about you give me a PPV worthy match… dotcom? Anyway, Brodus won. I love Brodus but he should’ve been in the Rumble.

Then it was the big CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler match. Special Guest Referee J-Lau was the first man into the ring and he explained, in the interest of fairness, that he would be officiating from the outside and a proper referee will call the match. Oh J-Lau. You’re so fair.

The match got underway and, as expected, it was a good one. We were given great moves and Dolph Ziggler’s cute little butt made me squeal in delight. Things took a dark turn when Punk accidentally knocked the referee out of the ring. J-Lau, the sweetheart that he is, decided to check on the referee to make sure he was OK. Problem was, at this point, Punk was making Dolph tap to the anaconda vice. Then J-Lau MAY have missed a three count whilst he was helping the ref back in the ring. CM Punk went crazy and threw Dolph up for the GTS, hitting J-Lau in the head and sending him crashing to the outside. In the process, Punk kinda got the three count again. Total accident. It was sorted in the end and CM Punk won. He brought it on himself. J-Lau is an ANGEL.

Then it was the Rumble. It’s hard to recap the match but here are the things that made me happy:

1. The Miz stayed in so long
2. Cody Rhodes and The Miz were practically a team. This turned me on immensely
3. Ricardo Rodriguez
4. Mr Socko v Cobra

5. Kofi’s Handstand

6. Road Dogg’s return

7. Kharma’s return/hitting her finisher on Dolph

Here are the things I didn’t like:

1. Kharma didn’t stay in longer
2. All the announcers got involved
3. The Big Show was the 30^th entrant
4. Sheamus won it. FUCKING SHEAMUS. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME? I love Sheamus but, come on…

What did you think of it? Was it the end of the world as you know it or were you too bitterly disappointed by the fact WWE have botched Jericho’s return this making us look like fools for the whole It Begins thing?

Let me know.

XO-WB

I Wish Someone Would Slam-Me Into A Wall

I know I’m a bad, bad wrestling blogger but hey, I was having a life. RUDE. Anyways, last Monday’s RAW was the Slammy’s so we didn’t miss much… or did we? Well you’ll have to read on to find out.

So RAW began straight with the Slammy’s and the first award was the “Tell Me I Didn’t Just See That” Award presented by Booker T and Hornswaggle. For those confused, Mick Foley hosted a live special Smackdown where he organised a battle royal. The winner of that would get a wish granted. Hornswaggle won and asked to be able to speak. He now can but we’ve suddenly realised he’s actually a crazy racist. But, racism aside, it was awards time. The nominees were your standard WWE stuff but the winner was JR’s dance in the Michael Cole challenge.

Typically Cole couldn’t just let that go so had to berate JR. Booker T decided they should have another contest, a rap battle. It was as painful as it sounds. I mean seriously, JR put the silent ‘c’ into rap. The crowd, however, loved it and JR decided to milk the situation with Booker when he was asked to do a JR-Roonie. It was awful. Poor JR.

Next we had Mick Foley and Ted DiBiase (the original, not the duck lipped one) presenting the Holy Shit Moment Of The Year award. Obviously the shit part was edited out. Luckily, they don’t have that policy for this edition of RAW or it’d be really short. Anyway, the winner of that award was Big Show for the ring collapse incident.

Show did a big speech about how he was going to beat Mark Henry and then Wade Barrett came along and said how the barrage is coming. A match ensued between the pair and it was just a quickie as it ended with Barrett trying to hit Show with a chair, only to be punched away. Big Show also punched a table in half. Note to self: never invite Big Show to dinner.

We were then re-introduced to the awesome of Road Dogg. I’m  a huge Road Dogg fan so it was nice to see the D-O-Double G back in the WWE. See, that even rhymed. Road Dogg was there to present the Pipe Bomb Of The Year Award. It, obviously went to CM Punk.

Then hilarity ensued as Punk bought out a mannequin dressed as John Laurinaitis back in the day when he was Johnny Ace. There was then a very acid-trippy video featuring highlights from Laurinaitis’ career. It was weird but at the same time, very, very cool. You gotta love Punk.

Following on from that was the Divalicious Moment Of The Year presented by the lovely Lita. It was nice to see Lita turned up. I just hope she didn’t drive. The award went to Kelly Kelly for when she won the Divas Championship. I could go into why this is a huge mistake and makes me want to rip out my eyeballs, swallow them and shit them out but it’s not that kind of blog post. Kelly then did a breathy speech about how honoured she was. Beth and Natalya came out and Beth stole Kelly’s award and received a slap for it. Lita did nothing but hide behind Kelly. For fu—no, no. Not that kind of blog post.

Next up was the OMG Moment Of The Year as in OMG I can’t believe this is still happening. Santino Morella got to host this one with literally no assistance from The Bella Twins. The winner was Triple H vs Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Interestingly, Triple H returned to collect his award and send a message to Nash. He banged on about how this is personal and yadda, yadda, yadda. It was a good segment because he managed not to injure anything whilst standing still and talking. Then Santino hung around awkwardly to give HHH his award which I’m sure went down great. Woopsie.

The funtimes continued with David Otunga and the extremely irritating Tony Atlas. His laugh may be infectious but not in a fun, giggling way but more of an AIDs kinda way. They were there to announce the Trending Star Of The Year which would go to the person who trends first worldwide during the Fatal Fourway match. The nominees were Zack Ryder, Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler and Daniel Bryan.

This was followed by the Fatal Fourway and boy was it a good match. I really enjoyed it and I definitely hope to see Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan feud in the near future. Those kicks in the corner were mean! Although, I am still giggling at that set of pins they were doing. There comes a moment during a move set where it becomes less wrestling and more foreplay… I mean, I definitely got a semi.

After the match, which was won by Dolph Ziggler, Jerry Lawler announced the winner of the Slammy. That was Zack Ryder who was gleeful at this prize. Ziggler, however, didn’t plan on celebrating and took Ryder down and stole his award. Hashtag Meanie.

The next award was presented by Christian who limped out to announce he was giving away two awards. The first was a new one invented by him and given to him named Courageous Moment Of The Year because he managed to present an award whilst being injured. OK, it was funny. Then it was the Game Changer Of The Year award which went to John Cena challenging The Rock.

Cena came out and did his usual “I’m here/he isn’t” speech and it appeared he was getting more and more pissed off. I am LOVING the story development in Cena at the moment. Cena had a killer line saying he’d like to apologise for Team Bring It not bringing it. Cena really knows how to get a crowd going.

We were then offered a tag team bout in the form of CM Punk & Randy Orton taking on The Miz & Alberto Del Rio. The match, again, was actually really good and Miz and Del Rio gained the upper hand. Things took a turn for the worse though when Wade Barrett knocked Orton off the apron. This meant Punk couldn’t tag in and Miz picked up the win (yey!). Orton jumped the barrier to chase down Barrett and Miz and Del Rio used the opportunity to beat down Punk. I would like to thank The Miz, however, for giving me a new dream. I now want him to whisper into my ear “ooh, you’re an aggressive one” during sex. Make it happen, people.

The next award was A Lister Of The Year presented by Vickie Guerrero and Goldust. I hate Goldust and it annoys me how WWE let him treat fans on Twitter. He’s rude, obnoxious and simply not a nice guy. The only push he deserves is into a moving train. Speaking of things you wish didn’t live anymore, Snooki won.

Then there was a weird non-match between Sheamus and Jinder Mahal. Jinder came down to the ring, Sheamus brogue kicked him and that was that. No pin, no ring bell, just that. It was clear even Sheamus had no idea what was going on as he simply shrugged and left the ring laughing.

The night was finally beginning to come to a close as Rey Mysterio came out to present Superstar Of The Year. The winner was CM Punk but, with Punk out of action, who would collect his prize? Well, John Laurinaitis of course. It was freaking hilarious and Laurinaitis showed he really knows how to make a crowd hate him. I seriously think he’s amazing. Punk/Laurinaitis is the new Austin/McMahon.

Then it was time for the main event. Mark Henry took on John Cena. It was a so-so match but the real action came near the end. It appeared that Mark Henry was getting the upperhand with a huge World’s Strongest Slam onto Cena. The next thing the room goes completely dark and with a huge red thunder… Kane returned! After chokeslamming Cena, Kane removed his weird welder-esque mask to reveal a new mask. The old Kane has returned! Yey!

It was freakin’ awesome and just about made up for the awful awards segments.

What did you think of RAW? Let me know.

XO-WB

Twurvivor Series Tweview

OK. So two things are currently going on. I’m tired and I’m lazy.

So, instead of my usual recap I’ve decided to go a different route and adopt WWE’s irritating obsession over Twitter.

So here is a collection of my tweets during Survivor Series. Many of them are out of context… see if you can guess what I’m referring to. There are a few hilarious retweets on their too so please follow those people. Just scroll to the bottom and work your way up. That’s what we do here on Wrestlebitch… we start at the bottom ;).

Also, tweet me YOUR favourite Survivor Series tweets. If there’s enough, I’ll post the best ones. Even if they’re your own tweets just quote them and mention me!

Tweet Tweet!

XO-WB

Boots To Guesses

Hey everyone!

Still no space upgrade on my account just yet so no recaps and stuff. But, what can I do? Well… I can provide some Survivor Series prediction-ness. Totes a word.

Here goes.

Beth Phoenix v Eve (Lumberjill Match for Divas Championship)

So this match has had terrible build up. I mean really… it was about as well built as the Three Pig’s straw house. Anyhoo, who do I think will win? Well it’s been interesting considering that Beth has been constantly been beaten by lesser-Divas. I actually think the real action tonight will be between the Lumberjills. It was teasted on Smackdown to have Kaitlyn turn heel on AJ so I think tonight we’ll see some double crossing and a few shocks.

Back to the actual match, I reckon that tonight will be a victory for Eve.

Dolph Ziggler v John Morrison (US Title)

So poor Dolph is doubling up on yet another PPV. Interesting really how that’s happened twice now. I think it’s either showing faith in Dolph or it’s a blinding lack of push given to the current roster. I do think that Dolph is moving onwards and upwards and I feel that he’s soon going to be going after the WWE title. I would even have him down as a potential holder of the Money In The Bank contract. I also think that John Morrison is beggining to lose faith. He’s losing matches, he’s jobbing and him even getting this shot was a stab in the dark. There’s also Zack Ryder’s petition. I think that this match may become a Triple Threat possibly.

With this in mind I’m going to say Dolph loses the title and Zack Ryder wins. It sounds bizarre but I think Dolph losing will cause the cracks in his psyché that Dolph needs.

Team Orton v Team Barrett

This is sadly the only traditional Survivor Series match. It would be interesting to see if the Lumberjill match ends up getting out of hand and the Divas end up having one. That’s a long shot but anyway…

It’s hard to predict this so I’ll take guesses at order of elimination.

1st: Kofi
2nd: Jack Swagger
3rd: Hunico
4th: Dolph Ziggler
5th: Sin Cara
6th: Mason Ryan

I then think that Team Barrett will take the win.

Alberto Del Rio v CM Punk (WWE Title)

Another match I’m sort of interested in seeing where it goes but at the same time it’s a bit ‘meh’. There’s a certain awkwardness around CM Punk which is akin to when you kiss a crush whilst drunk and then sort of send them a text after beggining them to love you and then they don’t reply… JEFF WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK? HUH?! CALL ME YOU ASSHOLE. I mean, what? Shut up.

Anyways, who will win? I’m going to go for CM Punk.

Mark Henry v Big Show (World Heavyweight Championship)

This has been a well built match. It’ll be interesting to see what they do with it as the whole ring-collapse thing was pretty awesome. I think that it’s always going to be difficult to have a GREAT match with two men of that size but I think the passion they put across is going to really get them through. I’m torn here by the fact that Mark Henry’s reign has been awesome. There’s also the whole Daniel Bryan angle. So, who do I think will win? I think nobody will.

I think that Show and Henry will beat themselves to a DQ or double count out then Daniel Bryan will cash in and win.

John Cena & The Rock v The Awesome Truth

OK, I’m going to be the lone voice in the crowd. I don’t like The Rock’s return. I don’t understand why he feels he can come back, say he’s back for good then not appear for months. I get he moves on but he’s come back, insulted John Cena fans and sodded off. I get he’s The Rock but I don’t feel he’s needed but, he’s happening and that’s that. I reckon that this will be a good match. The Rock wrestling again is still a big draw and despite my reservations, I think once I see him back in his trunks and bouncing around I’ll get the same excitement I used to watching The Rock.

I also think it’ll be interesting to see if we get that heel turn by Cena. One of these guys has to be a bad guy going into ‘Mania. But who will it be? That’s the golden question.

I’m going to predict somebody gets double crossed (my view is that Cena will turn heel) and that The Awesome Truth take the win.

But what do you think? Let me know via Twitter, Tumblr or the comments below!