Andy Gets A RAW Deal

So since Tough Enough and RAW were merged together, I decided I’d merge together the recap. Apologies for it being a day late but I had to enjoy my pesky real life. It always gets in the way.

Tough Enough kicked off with a recap of the season, highlighting the major events. It was a good way to promote how great the show was considering it still hasn’t been renewed (not to my knowledge anyway). Here’s hoping it does. We began at the home of Andy, who gave us a glimpse into his private life. It seems his wife wears the trousers and he seems like a pretty good Dad. I just can’t stand the guy and I think he’s an asshole. We’re given a look at how he’s keeping fit which includes rolling tyres.

We then go to Luke’s home where he is enjoying the partying lifestyle. He’s also training hard with his routine including lifting logs up and down. I guess the guy isn’t happy unless he has some nice solid wood in his hand.

Then it comes time for the two to say goodbye to their families. Since Andy is based in Florida, it’s not such a huge deal but for Luke he realises he could return as a WWE Superstar. Luke gets all emotional which is nice to see considering his douche-tastic ways on Tough Enough throughout the season. He’s super gay when he cries too.

The two finalists head to FCW where they’re met by Bill and Ricky Steamboat. Bill tells them that they will have a big match in front of WWE Execs and their opponent will be… HIM! Wow, I’m looking forward to seeing these matches. Ricky Steamboat then takes the two round the back to check out his ring. Naughty. He then assesses their skills which basically consists of him saying Luke is great and Andy is just… tall.

It’s FCW fight day and the two are taping up. Andy calls Luke a weasel which I don’t like because there’s no sportsmanship. I think the guy is a complete asshole. Oh, I’ve already said it? Oh well, might as well repeat it. We then go live to the arena where Superstars is underway. We’re then reminded that the final will be live. Interesting, considering that none of that was promoted.

Then it comes time for us to see the two matches. I’m excited, I’m on the edge of my seat, here is comes… WHAT?! A frickin’ montage? WHAT… a terrible decision. So the major thing that we’ve been building to the entire season is just a 3 minute montage where basically Luke looks hot and Bill shakes both their hands.

I’m majorly pissed off. After the match, Booker asks them how they did. Luke answers that he could’ve done better. Oh dear.

We then head live to the arena and Bill, Booker and Trish all make their entrance.

Bill then gets on the Mic to introduce the eliminated contestants. They all look completely ridiculous with Michelle dressed as some sort of Cavewoman and Martin looks like Hornswaggle’s older brother. A big oh dear. They’re clearly not happy to be there and the situation gets more hilarious when Bill introduces Ryan as Skidmarks. WOOPSIE!

The two finalists then hit the ring, followed quickly by the man of the hour Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin asks each trainer who they think should win. They all choose Andy which to me really foreshadows the end result. The entire thing seems based more on looks though. They all comment on how Luke is a pretty boy and Andy is a giant. Why should it matter? It’s about talent!

Stone Cold gives the two the chance to shoot against each other. Luke is pretty nice and says that Andy may be good but he is the full package, a real superstar. Andy, however, goes down the douche route of telling Luke that he has no business being in the ring and he’s insulted. All delivered with a monotonal boring voice that makes me want to rip my hair out.

Stone Cold looks set to make his decision but then we’re met with a limo and out pops… Vince McMahon! Yey. I love how we’ve still not had an explanation as to the whole coma situation but who cares? Vince and Austin in the same ring? Always great. Vince takes his usual swagger down to the ring.

Once in the ring, Vince asks each finalist why they should be the winner. Andy begins by saying the words “I guaran-damn-tee” to which Vince cuts him off completely. Woopsie. Luke then says that he’s what everyone wants, love him or hate him. He gives Andy a second chance and the guy fluffs it yet again.

Vince then decides he will pick the winner, Stone Cold tells him that he is picking the winner whether Vince likes it or not. It’s vintage Austin as Michael Cole would say and it sent shivers down my spine. The announcement is dragged out and we discover the winner is… Andy!

Are you freakin’ kidding me? Oh well. Luke leaves glumly and Austin asks Vince if he has anything to say to Andy. Vince tells Andy congratulations and welcome to the WWE and then SLAPS HIM!

It was hilarious. Then Austin stares Vince down and shakes Andy’s hand, only to stun him!

It makes no sense why they would want to do that to the winner of the competition but I’m happy either way. Andy may not have been my pick to win and I think he’ll fail as a Superstar but congratulations all the same.

Then it was time for the RAW portion of the show as Vince and Austin drank beers in the ring. They’re then interrupted by R Truth who is dressed as a Confederate Soldier. Can I just say, for the record, that I do not find this racist at all. R Truth wouldn’t have done it, WWE wouldn’t have done it and USA would’ve been pissed if that was the case. The Internet Wrestling Community (IWC) really need to calm down on the anti-WWE stance. If you don’t like it, don’t watch it. My friend Ray over at Wrestlegasm.com (and the inspiration for this blog) has done a great post about this. Check it out.

R Truth says he’s come to apologise and we see the clip of him throwing the soda at that “family” of Cena fans. R Truth does his goofy “I’m a good R Troof” thing which, again, his hilarious. Despite my reservations, he’s one of the best things on RAW. Stone Cold then mentions his outfit to which R Truth gives us all a history lesson on the Confederacy and then says he wants to secede from the WWE Universe. Just pure genius.

He then tells Vince he’s fed up of the conspiracy and Vince tells him to come to his office during office hours which are 9am to Midnight. The Miz then enters and says that R Truth is wasting his moment with the chairman. He then discusses how A-Ry ruined his title chances and he deserves another. A-Ry comes down and says that isn’t true and that the Miz deserves nothing but a beat down.

If things couldn’t get any crazier, Cena then makes his entrance to try and break things down. He says that, since R Truth apologised, he’ll get his match at Capitol Punishment. The Anon GM then chimes in and, before he can make the announcement, Vince yells “Michael Cole shut up!” Again, hilarious.

Vince then announces that the main event will be R Truth and The Miz v John Cena and Alex Riley with Special Guest Referee; Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Back to normality, the first match of the night was Santino Morella v Michael McGuillilililililicutty. I’m not a huge fan of New Nexus but I am a huge fan of nice backsides and I feel that I’ve been neglecting Michael’s nice ass so, as an apology, here is a picture.

Santino picked up the win.

Then it was Diva time with Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix taking on the Bella Twins. It was actually a good match with Beth picking up the win for Team Goodies.

Backstage, Booker T attempted to teach Trish the spinerooni but was interrupted by Jack Swagger. Booker then says he’ll see Swagger in the ring. Oooo.

Then it was CM Punk time, with Punk hitting a promo about how often Rey loses against him. At least WWE are admitting they’ve done this over and over. The two then had a match which was pointless considering that they’ll be head to head at the PPV. So stupid. Anyhoo, Rey won.

Then it was time for Alberto Del Rio who wanted to reiterate that Big Show’s accident wasn’t his fault and he demanded to speak to Show. Show’s music hit and the crowd went wild only to be met by Ricardo Rodriquez in a fat suit. The entire segment had me rolling and Rodriquez’s impression of Show is dead-on.

Next Long Island Iced Z finally got some air time in a match against Kofi with Dolph Ziggler and Vicki Guerrero on commentary. I’ve got to give props to Dolph, he was great on commentary and his comment about Kofi’s trunks being designed by a blind kid were funny. It was a very funny RAW, actually. Kofi picked up the win.

We then had Swagger and Booker facing off. It was nice to see Booker in the ring and it really took be back to why I liked him (in his pre-King Booker days of course). Swagger decided he didn’t want to fight and got himself counted out. Evan Bourne decided that wouldn’t do and attacked Swagger and tossed him in the ring. Booker T hit his finisher and the two celebrated with a double Spinerooni.

Then it was finally main event time. It was a pretty good match and a very strong main event. It was nice to see them playing off on Alex Riley’s trust when he appeared behind Cena with the briefcase. A-Ry then hit Miz with the briefcase which then caused Miz to stumble towards Austin who hit Miz with the stunner!

Cena then struck the AA for the 1-2-3. After the match, Austin celebrated with Cena only for the Anon GM to interrupt. Cole announced that, due to Austin’s interference, the winners of the match were now The Miz and R Truth. He then also announced that next week’s RAW would be a 3 hour All Star special where Stone Cold would be special guest GM!

Austin then attacked the GM podium, grabbed Cole, stunned him and poured beer on him.

A fantastic RAW and I certainly look forward to the next instalment! And that’s the bottom line because the Wrestlebitch said so.

XO-WB

Injur-really Sad

It was an emotional Tough Enough this week with injuries galore. I’ve often claimed my role as person most willing to rub better the ailments of some of the Superstars and it’s a shame I didn’t make myself known during this week’s edition of Tough Enough.

Anyway, it started as usual with the people who were saved from elimination returning home. Only, this time, it was just AJ. This fact thrills Christina who looks like she’s won the lottery or something. She shoots to the camera about being the only girl left and that was her main aim. That mentality is worrying because she should’ve been supporting her fellow-Divas. But, she’s worked hard to gain her place in the competition. What’s that..? She’s related to who?! Ohhhhh.

Trish decided that Christina needs some yoghurt. I agree, girl is too skinny. Wait, no, Yoga. My bad. Trish says that Yoga helped her when she had a herniated disc. As a guy who never exercises, I never see the calming appeal of contorting your body. Christina gets emotional during the downward facing dog, a move I think Yoga stole from the homos. Christina moans to Trish about having to be tough all the time. Ermmm it’s call Tough Enough, stupid.

Training time, and the gang are given the theme of the week which is creativity. It’s an interesting topic because it’s not something people really think of when they think of the Superstars. We think of WWE Creative sure but we don’t realise the effort they go to, to put the flair into their performance. What is clear, however, is that very few of the contestants are creative. I’d say Luke was most creative because he’s pretended not to be gay for so long. Ohhh woopsie.

The big task for the day was to show more creativity in their moves. After failing miserably at jazzing up a fireman’s lift, the trainers decide they want to try and get creative when it comes to throwing someone out of the ring. This goes exactly like you’d think. Everyone tries their best to make it seem creative but we end up with a clusterfuck which results in Andy getting over excited.

Andy is the most intriguing guy in the competition because he’s like a stepford Superstar. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t smile… he just gets angry and glum. He gets wayyyyy into the contest and, after punching Luke squarely in the nose, he throws him over the ropes which such force Luke nearly ends up on his head. Luckily for Luke, he has enough grease in his air to avoid head injury and he just slid right onto his back.

After Bill declares the day to be a bust, Andy has a phone call with his family. An emotional, intimate and deeply private phone call… is what it should’ve been. Instead it was an awkward “this is on camera, right?” chat. Basically, it was filler.

Every week a hard working Superstar turns up to fill the gang with knowledge and inspiration. They show the upmost in professionalism and shine as mentors. This week, it’s the turn of the Divas. But wait, instead of being treated like equals they instead turn up with champagne in short dresses to take everyone out to party. A glaring statement on the state of the division if there ever was one.

Predictably, the boys act as if though they’ve never been around girls before and the Bellas revel in seeing some hot booty. I wish we got to see some. We did get to see the guys in towels though which was just as nice I guess.

After suiting up, literally, the gang head out to a restaurant where the Divas surprise everyone by being the most inspirational guests of the entire season. They sit and listen to the gang and give fantastic advice. The sound you hear is my jaw hitting the floor. It was nice to see but then things took a turn for the stupid when the Bellas, upon request, slapped Jeremiah and Luke repeatedly in the face. The two laugh moronically like Bevis and Butthead.

The next day, the gang head to THQ HQ where WWE decided it was a perfect opportunity to plug the new WWE video game. It does look fun. The contestants are tasked with creating their own characters. It’s a pretty hilarious segment as they go head-to-head. Luke’s character, which looks remarkably like him, is declared the best by the THQ boss person. Luke’s head swells like the thighs on his character.

After playing games, the contestants head to a late night training session. There they run through drills and try to add their new-found creativity. It actually works well with everyone taking on a character. Except AJ who is the Toby Flenderson of Tough Enough (for those who don’t get the reference, I urge you to check out The Office US). AJ makes a few mistakes and is told to go sit outside.

Bill then decides they should start again with a new sequence of body slamming and pinning. Things get started but, as he’s exiting the ring, Martin goes down. It’s hard to make this seem funny so I’m not going to try. Martin’s ankle popped and he’s clearly in pain and begs to get back in the ring. The medic eventually convinces him to go get an X Ray and a tearful Martin exits.

The next day, Martin returns to reveal that he has a fractured ankle. It’s actually heartbreaking and I cried. I say that I cried, I’m an ice queen so I hired somebody to cry for me. Stone Cold took Martin into his office where he said that this stuff happens and he shouldn’t give up. He then says that, usually, he takes people’s belts from them but he will allow Martin to hang his own belt up. It’s a beautiful moment.

But, life goes on and the gang go back to training. They’re told that they must perform one move off the top rope. After last week’s elbow-drop debacle I was concerned but then I realised Eric wasn’t around anymore so I relaxed a little. First up was Christina and AJ and the two have at it. AJ aka Toby is boring as always and Christina takes charge. She heads to the top rope to perform what looked like it was going to be a cross body. Only problem is, AJ got too close so it had to turn into an Axe Handle. Christina fell funny on her foot and went down, hurting her ankle.

Again, this isn’t funny and nobody can see this and smile. Not even Luke who looks concerned despite making several remarks to camera about injuries being great for getting rid of the competition. I don’t like Luke anymore. He’s an asshole. A sexy, homolicious asshole. I am also now prepared for the google hits to this blog being ‘luke tough enough sexy asshole’. You’re pervs.

Christina is shipped off to the hospital and Stone Cold cancels training. Everyone is pissed at AJ but will Christina recover?

Next week we find out but I can reveal she does. During the promo for the next episode, her hair is visible.

I hope I’m wrong!

XO – WB

Ericdiculous

This week’s Tough Enough was certainly interesting but, as the weeks go on, it’s clear that some people should’ve been eliminated long before now. Anyway, last week Randy Orton-on-a-budget Luke survived elimination in what he decided was just a test from the trainers. He reckons that he’s just had the fire lit underneath him. I reckon he’s had hotter things underneath him but that’s a different conversation.

Christina also returned and Ivelissa aka Pointy-Face was not happy. This annoys me. If these girls were smart they’d team up throughout the competition, work together, have naked pillow fights… OK maybe not that but they got too deep into competition too early. They should’ve worked together to keep themselves in further down the line. It was bitch central and Christina stated the obvious.

We got a more in-depth glimpse into the daily routine training at Casa Del Pain and it was clear that even the warm ups were hard. They were all clearly tired especially Eric. I literally cannot say that guy’s name without sighing deeply. He’s a big steamy mess. I swear to God, I’m not physically fit but the guy looks like he’d sweat putting his t-shirt* on in the morning (*available at WWEShop.com). Bill says he’s gonna really separate the top from the bottom and makes a loose blood clot analogy. Oh bill, you and your analogies.

Jeremiah or, as Luke probably calls him, Jer-Bear teamed up with his bosom buddy to take part in a little one on one body slamming practice. Luke decided this would be a great time to check out Jer-Bear’s huge organ. Sadly for him, the organ he was checking out was the guy’s intestines because he was slamming so hard Jer-Bear ended up coughing up blood. I think this is lunacy, Bill thinks this is dedication.

After Jer-Bear finishes spitting up, Stone Cold comes in and announces the theme for the week would be focus. The first task was for the guys to go up top and deliver and elbow drop. A simple move to your average WWE watcher but it’s clear that it’s all about focus, balance and conquering your fears. They each do pretty well but the usual no-goes crop up again. Pointy-Face fails to even body slam her bag and Eric well… Eric is Eric. Ivelisse becomes the bigger issue though when she begins limping around. It’s clear that she’s in lots of pain but it’s also clear she’s playing on it. Booker says that injuries are common and that the contestants should put up or shut up. I’m sure the wellness policy peeps were thrilled.

After the first bout of training, Ivelisse calls Bill and Booker into a meeting. She’s clearly frustrated in her injury and the guys tell her straight. They both advise she thinks very clearly about how far she wants to go in the competition because she needs to get over the injury to continue. Pointy-Face says he refuses to quit. Then Bill goes all cute and shuffles her hair. If he touched my hair I’d probably scream but I’m guess I’m just more Diva.

We then say hello to John Morrison or as I like to call him, J-Douche. I just don’t like the guy. Personal issues aside, Jo-Mo introduces the gang to the rope course they’re going to be doing. It looks quite difficult and the usual contenders make it through no problem. Then we get Pointy-Face who is saved by Jo-Mo. Then it’s Eric’s turn.

Eric is a complete and utter dick. He makes me cringe. Here is a summary of Eric’s time on the rope course.

I mean, seriously?!

The gang head back to Casa Del Pain where they are given their final focus challenge. They must all go to the top-rope, squat and then remain there. The first two to fall are eliminated. The two that survive go through to the final round. Everyone seems to do a good job and, to everyone’s surprise, Martin doesn’t win a challenge. AJ is the next shock.

AJ is extremely boring hence they give him the nickname Tumbleweed. AJ is the kinda guy who could fuck you from behind without you even noticing. He’s like LOST Season 3. Dull, confusing and just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

The final round consisted of a similar task but, this time, Andy and Eric had to run the ropes. The final two were Luke and Jer-Bear. Luke waxes lyrical about he and his Southern lover are the best in the competition and how they’re gonna be top dog. Jer-Bear betrays On-Sale Orton by saying that he will be the only top dog. I’m sure Luke will watch that back and cry into his Hello Kitty blanket.

The two went head to head in a challenge where they had to bodyslam the bag and the hit an elbow drop. Jer-Bear doesn’t impress by talking too slow and not hitting the elbow drop properly. Luke does a perfect job and finally wins a challenge.

Then it’s bottom three time.

I’m not surprised by these people being in the bottom 3. And it’s actually a shame all 3 couldn’t go.

Stone Cold gave them all chance to shine and Eric was out-of-breath just trying to explain himself. Ivelisse, defeated, said that she’ll do anything to be in the WWE. Stone Cold tells her that her body has given up on her and it was time to go.

However, that wasn’t to be the only elimination. Stone Cold decided that someone else should go too. AJ explains why he should stay but I fell asleep listening. The guy is so boring. Stone Cold tells him watching AJ wrestle is like watching grass grow.

Then he turns to Eric who is sweating heavy from the mammoth task of standing still. And well, this happens.

I am so glad that he’s finally gone.

Next week, things get tougher and injuries start to strike.

I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that if Martin or Luke ever need anyone to rub their aching muscles… I’d be happy to.

XO – WB.

All The Small Things

This week’s Tough Enough is all about team work. This is something I’m extremely good at especially when it comes to threesomes. The gang are all given a rude wake up call by Trish giving everyone the horn.

Not like that, rude. The gang are all dressed up in Army gear which can mean only one thing: PAINTBALL! Wait, what? An obstacle course?
Lame. The gang are given an extremely difficult course to take which would really put them to the limits. It’s clear from the off who the weak ones are with resident fail Eric falling over far too often.

Ivelisse aka Pointy-Face is also a major let down and doesn’t manage to even finish the course herself and is, instead, helped by gallant Martin. Oh Martin, you’re so pretty and gallant and kind. You can help me with my sack anytime.

Christina, however, doesn’t like the fact that Ivelisse didn’t finish and says she has a bad attitude. I’m thinking Christina probably isn’t a very nice person and the only bitch around here is the Wrestlebitch. This, my friends, means war.

After the obstacle course, the gang are visited by Rey Mysterio in training who talks about overcoming his obstacles in life. Hey, I thought this week was about Team Work? STICK TO THE THEME, FOOLS. Rey moans on about being small and crying and stuff and everyone seems uplifted. It’s like a WWE version of The Brady Bunch. After Mysterio leaves in his product-placed Chuck Palumbo biking gear, the gang get given their task. They must body slam a 70 pound bag 10 times.

Martin is first up and goes at it with gusto and Stone Cold praises him via a talking head. Looks like we’ve got a case of teacher’s pet on our hands. Ryan enters the ring to give it a go and is immediately sent out after tripping on his way in. Oh, Ryan… you don’t help yourself. Ivelisse struggles once more telling us that she has “nothing left” when trying to body slam the bag. Bill decides to be encouraging saying the bag is 70 pounds and most WWE Divas weigh more than that. Although, looking at some of them, I’d heavily disagree.

Next is the big story of the show, the guys run through a sequence and Ivelisse and Christina face off. Things go wrong though when Christina botches a leap frog jump and lands hard of Ivelisse.

Ivelisse damages her hamstring and it looks pretty painful. Edge/Sasquatch Andy isn’t as sympathetic saying that this stuff happens and WWE isn’t ballet. Ugh, what a jerk. After things have calmed down, Trish goes to visit the girls and tells them they’re looking like the weaker sex. I must say, I agree. I was hoping Tough Enough would really bring some fresh and interesting Diva talent but we’re not left with much.

The life lesson of the day is Team Work and the gang are taken to a Basketball court. There, they bump into some dude who’s famous for Basketball but I’ve never heard of him so who cares? Then they are introduced to their opponents.

The big reveal of this was messed up by last week’s previous and it was obvious that they would be dwarves. So, in order to show these guys respect and give them some dignity, the gang reacted professionally to them.

Oh. Cut to a hilarious Basketball game where the dwarves run rings around the contestants and win the match. It’s clear they’re not acting as a team. Back at the compound, Booker T has a few words with the group about how they need to improve on team work. All the way through this Ryan aka Skidmarks is rolling his eyes. Let’s just say, he regrets it.

The big skills challenge is called 3’s a crowd and the gang are split off into 3 groups. Martin, as always, shines like the star he is and does really well. Others don’t do as well and in particular, Luke who appears to have lost his mojo. Fans of Wrestlebitch have seen first hand that Luke is a good wrestler but perhaps he’s more comfortable in his underwear whilst a fat hairy guy rides him. I’d also like to point out that I’m available.

Ryan surprises everyone by being good and gets put through to the final rounds. He gets overexcited, however, and starts hamming it up. He looks like someone has tried to probe him using a cattle prod. The eventual winner is Martin again much to the annoyance of Luke. Luke tells the camera that it’s unfair that he’s judged on a scale. He reckons he’s been at a 98% performance rate when usually it’s 100% but 98% is still awesome. Awww, pretty boy try to do maths. Cute.

The bottom three are picked and none of them are happy to be there.

After chatting to the group, it’s clear Stone Cold does not like Luke at all. He asks Luke if he’s happy with himself after Christina accuses him of not being confident enough. Luke answers that he loves himself because you have to “love yourself before others”. Luke thinks this is funny. Stone Cold clearly disapproves.

Continuing the trend on hating Luke, Stone Cold asks him if he’s arrogant or just an asshole. He then calls him a dipshit. It’s clear that this annoys Luke as he hasn’t been rode this hard since he got the job at BG East.

Stone Cold then turns his attention to Ryan. Ryan says he’s been giving his best all day everyday and Stone Cold points out that if he’s been giving his best and still ends up in the Bottom 3 then he isn’t good enough. He then tells Ryan he struck out.

Another solid week for Tough Enough and it’s clear that a few of them are starting to unravel. Check back soon to see how the gang are progressing.

XO – WB