So, Night Of Champions was actually pretty interesting. I can’t say I hated it. But, what exactly went down and how did I do with my predictions? Read on.
The show opened up with the announcement that JBL will be the guest commentator for the night, replacing Jerry Lawler who is recovering from a heart attack. It was nice to see JBL, I like the guy.
The first match was the Fatal Fourway for the Intercontinental Championship. It was actually a good match, in the end. That’s right, in the end. You see, you come to expect that when Sin Cara wrestles there’s going to be a few fuck-ups but now Rey Mysterio has joined that exclusive club. Put both Sin Cara and Rey in a ring together? Botchamania heaven.
However, I can’t deny that Sin Cara actually helped play part in a fantastic finish. It was hard to make that whole thing look interesting and it’s hard to keep people captivated in a match with so many men. In all fairness, the camera operator tried with several up-close shots of Cody’s ass (thank you) but the finish was great. Sin Cara blinded Miz using a mask, Cody went to hit the finish but Miz bumped into him and out of instinct, hit his finisher for the win.
Winner: The Miz
My Prediction: Cody Rhodes
Score: 0 – 1
Backstage, the Prime Time Players were telling Eve how vital it was that they were seen on TV. Before Eve could, no doubt, laugh in their faces, she was interrupted with an emergency. Eve ran over to the scene to discover a hurt Kaitlyn grabbing her ankle. Apparently, someone with their face covered attacked her. I began to wonder if it was The Miz but I doubt that. Either way, it was clear that Kaitlyn wouldn’t be wrestling. But who would…?
Then it was Tag Team Title Time as Kofi Kingston and R Truth faced the Anger Management Duo of Kane and Daniel Bryan. I was looking forward to this match and I wasn’t disappointed. Bryan and Kane played the whole thing perfectly and having them team up was certainly a stroke of genius. No doubt they’re going to have their inevitable break-up and feud but I really hope this little team sticks around for a while.
Kane and Bryan got into a bit of a war which resulted in an angry Bryan shoving Kane off the turnbuckle, only for him to land on Kofi for the win. The two men then angrily started arguing about which one of them was most deserving, with both declaring “I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS”. Yeah, I’ll have that t-shirt in an XL please.
Winners: Daniel Bryan & Kane
My Prediction: Daniel Bryan & Kane
Score: 1-1
Backstage, Eve updated Booker T on the Kaitlyn situation. Teddy reminded Booker that there needs to be a championship match as it was Night Of Champions. Then I got confused because Eve was either doing her usual terrible acting or she was playing her part great. “Oh… I didn’t realise that… but no other diva has earned a shot at the title” she sighed. Only for Booker T to give it to Eve leaving Teddy Long to give us his something-ain’t-right-playa face.
The next match was for the US Title and I predicted this all wrong. So, in terms of the Battle Royal:
Winner: Zack Ryder
My Prediction: Ryback
Score: 1-2
I didn’t realise either that there would be a match after. Ryder managed to pick up the Battle Royal win and went head to head against Cessaro who seemed to have some sort of vendetta against Ryder’s tights. Hey, I’m not complaining. With one asscheek exposed, Ryder did his best but the evil temptress Aksana interfered and cost Ryder the win.
Winner: Antonio Cessaro
My Prediction: N/A
Score: Still 1-2 as I’m not counting it. Shut up.
Backstage, an annoyed Otunga and Alberto Del Rio yell at Ricardo Rodriguez. But why? Because Ricardo took off his neck brace! THEY’VE BEEN FAKING IT ALL ALONG! WHO COULD’VE GUESSED?! Oh… everyone. Right. OK.
Dolph Ziggler v Randy Orton was next. It was a match I was looking forward to because Randy Orton has a history of making his matches with Dolph extremely homo-erotic and this one didn’t disappoint. There was a moment when Randy just kept grabbing at Dolph. It was bliss. Anyways, it was a really good match and that’s not something I like saying when it comes to Randy Orton. The two did seem evenly match and it’s clear to see these guys have in-ring chemistry.
Can I also say how awesome was JBL’s feminist rant about Vickie Guerrero?! It came out of nowhere but it’s just another reason JBL is awesome.
I’d actually go ahead and say that Orton/Ziggler matches are just as good as Orton/Cena matches. I actually wouldn’t mind these two going at it again. Either way, Ziggler tried but it wasn’t to be as Orton hit an awesome RKO in mid-air.
Winner: Randy Orton
My Prediction: Randy Orton
Score: 2-2
Eve went against Layla for the Divas Championship in our next match. It was a pretty good match and I can see why Eve was destined for the shot over Kaitlyn. It looked like Eve was going to get an easy cover but she hit her finisher for the win instead.
I actually think Eve being evil is a red herring. I think that we’ll discover Layla is the secret attacker.
Winner: Eve
My Prediction: Layla
Score: 2-3
In the parking lot, Kane and Bryan angrily yell at each other about who is the tag team champions. Doctor Shelby looks set to explode but is interrupted by AJ instead who goes crazy. She says she went to great expense to see them make a breakthrough but they aren’t happy for each other. Doctor Shelby gets Daniel Bryan to congratulate Kane but Kane disappears instead. Bryan goes on a rant only to be interrupted by Kane who throws ice water over the three of them and makes the most awesome declaration ever… and well, it’s been remixed.
Del Rio v Sheamus was up next and well, the thing we could all have predicted (yet, I never) happened. Booker T came out to announce that the Brogue kick would be reinstated. Sheamus then went to kick ADR but hit Otunga instead.
The match wasn’t actually too bad and Del Rio managed to pull out a few cool tricks. Ultimately, it wasn’t to be for Del Rio and Sheamus hit his brogue kick for the win.
Winner: Sheamus
My Prediction: Del Rio/Dolph Ziggler
Score: 2-4
The main event was CM Punk v John Cena. Before the match got underway, Paul Heyman wanted to say a few things. He said that he was simply there to view history because CM Punk would be in his 302nd day as WWE Champion. He said the entire thing was about respect. I’m starting to worry that respect is becoming the new “destiny”. I’m bored already.
The match eventually got underway and it was a doozy. I really did enjoy it and these two certainly know how to please a crowd. But, it looked like Cena had picked up the win with a fantastic German Suplex from the turnbuckle. However, after celebrating with soldiers and enjoying the cheers of his home crowd, the referee announced that both men’s shoulders were down. Both men lost so CM Punk retained.
Winner: CM Punk
My Prediction: CM Punk
Score: 3-4
Overall, I didn’t do too badly. I’m usually way, way, way off the mark. This time I was just way, way off the mark.
No Way Out was a fun affair and I actually quite liked the show. My predictions amounted to what they always do and I ended up getting nearly every single one wrong. I’m smart like that. So what exactly went down then?
The opening bout was surprisingly the World Heavyweight Championship Match. I smelt shenanigans with the fact it was up first and I racked my Red Bull infused brain to find an answer. I came up with nothing. I began to think that we were going to be hit with dejavu as, when the bell rang, Dolph pulled a Daniel Bryan and made Vickie kiss him. Sheamus went for the Brogue Kick but luckily this time the 18 second victory was not to happen.
It was a fantastic match and both men did a great job. It was clear that they put their best in and it made me sweat just watching them. Plus I’m also overweight. I chomped down on my Milkybar (not a euphemism) nervously as it seemed my future 3rd husband (after Zac Efron and Cody Rhodes) was going to see gold. Sadly, it wasn’t to be and Sheamus picked up the win.
Soon, my love. Soon.
Backstage, J-Lau turned up wearing a suit that made him look like a cinema usher. I’ve no idea what he was thinking but I’m going to presume he wasn’t thinking at all. J-Lau was trying to convince Mr McMahon that he didn’t need to be at ringside for the match because of his concussion and everything. Vince wasn’t conVINCED (I know, sorry) and slammed the door in his face. Someone was grumpy but inappropriate emotional responses are a side effect to a concussion. Obviously, some people take that to the extreme. I’m looking at you, Benoit.
Scumbag Josh Matthews then waded in asking J-Lau about the pressure of perhaps getting fired. J-Lau then told Josh he was a failed wrestler and unfit to be an announcer. Bitch PLEASE.
The WWE “Universe” have been up in arms about how WWE is only about the kiddies and that joke matches are wrong. This is the same group of people who cheered for Colt Cabana when CM Punk gave him a shout out. To quote resident flag kicker Chris Jericho. YOU’RE ALL SYCOPHANTS AND HYPOCRITES. I am, indeed, talking about the Tuxedo Match which saw Santino Morella take on Ricardo Rodriguez.
It was what we expected and Santino picked up the win. I like the humour of it all and I genuinely LOL’d when Ricardo sauntered off in Del Rio undies.
Bacstage once more to Matt Striker who was interviewing CM Punk. Punk talked about how Bryan was a good technical wrestler but was interrupted by cray cray AJ. Did you know AJ was crazy? I know, right? It’s not like it’s been mentioned a gazillion times. AJ basically wished Punk luck but then Punk got all douchey and said luck was for losers. I actually think Punk is a bit of a dickhead really. There, I said it.
Cody Rhodes, who disappeared for a while, was up against Christian in our next match. Cody was hoping for a third reign in the same way I want to be in a three way with him and Dolph. The match was actually really good and the two really went at it. There was a move where Cody bent Christian’s arm back and the stood on his elbow which actually made me cringe. I’m such a “mark”, you guys.
However it seemed like I was a common curse as future husband #2 lost to Christian.
Then it was the turn of unknown tag teams to get in on the PPV action. It was to be a Four Way Tag Team Match to see who would be the #1 contender for the Tag Team Titles. It’s a nice change for them to decide the contenders this way as usually names are picked out from a hat. The match was really good and it wasn’t a clusterfuck as I expected. There was a great moment when Tyson Kidd hit the hurricarana off the top rope to the outside, knocking everyone down. And it was also fun to see Justin Gabriel’s cute little butt back in action.
The win eventually went to Titus O’Neil and Darren Young aka the Primetime Players. It turns out that Abraham Washington screwed over Primo and Epico Fail. Good stuff, nice to see the tag division getting a good story.
I’d like to pause this recap a minute to say something which annoyed me. For those who don’t know, The Primetime Players wear pink ring attire. This caused Booker T to say that he thought they were “a little fruityish if you know what I mean… a little sweet”. I’m not going to accept homophobia from some jumped up moron who can’t even string a sentence together. So, fuck you Booker T. Interestingly, he doesn’t make such comments about Dolph who not only wore pink but used to jiggle his arse for everyone.
Back to the recap, Triple H came to the ring to challenge Brock Lesnar to a match. And that was it. I was a little disappointed because Triple H was WAY off his game and rambled for a while about trying to find the balance between being corporate and a wrestler. I think it’s time WWE decided what they wanted him to be. If they want a corporate figure, then make him that. I think Trips would make a great GM. He’s my favourite ever wrestler but the lack of continuity in his character is starting to grate on me.
Backstage, AJ wished Daniel Bryan luck. What is that girl playing at?!
Divas action was up next as Beth Phoenix took on the champ, Layla. I have to say, this match KICKED BUTT! It was awesome. It was the right length, there were great moves. Even the announcers got behind it. Sadly, the crowd were dead but we’re going in the right direction. If they can pull this shit off more often, the Divas Division will soon be strengthened. Also, did anyone notice Layla just full on grab Beth’s boob when she went for the pin? Personal space, girl.
Backstage to AJ once more but this time she was talking to Kane. She went to wish him luck but ended up making out with him instead. Can I just say, I frickin’ LOVE these two. They’re like a Twilight type of relationship. Or even Monsters Inc if Boo was older and Sulley was nailing her.
For some reason we had Sin Cara v Hunico. Sin Cara won. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Then it was the triple threat match. I don’t want to say too much except watch it. I was so apprehensive about Kane’s addition into this but with the AJ angle, it all worked great. AJ ran in towards the end, she was knocked off the apron, Kane was distracted and Punk picked up the win.
As Kane scooped AJ up and took her away, she smiled at Punk like it was her plan all along. LOVE IT.
After the great came the awful… Ryback was “fed” more. I’m so sick of this Will Sasso lookalike stinking up my WWE experience. GO AWAY.
Then we had the main event, the cage match. I was apprehensive about how boring this would be and at first it appeared I was right. There was only so much these two could do but this one was about the story. It seemed like Big Show was going to win but Brodus Clay ran down to the ring with a steel chair, blocking his exit. People were expecting a swerve where Brodus hit Cena instead but I didn’t think that. Soon a plethora of Big Show victims ran down to unsuccessfully stop The Big Show.
As Cena made his way out, J-Lau tried to knock him off with his crutch. It looked like Show was going to sneak out the door but Cena won!
Hey everyone! So we’re back to written recaps because, well, you guys just preferred them. Thanks to everyone who voted on the poll. And if you didn’t vote then I CURSE THEE. It was a night of prediction fails but what exactly went down at Over The Limit? Read on.
So the show opened with the People Power Battle Royal. It began on the WWE Youtube Pre-Show and spilled over to the main show. Eve set it up where the winner would face either Cody Rhodes or Santino Morella that night. It was your usual group of people lucky to get a paycheck including Khali whose knees you can actually hear creaking through the TV. The surprise entrant, bland Superstar Christian. I don’t like Christian, never have. I find him dull. It became clear immediately who would win.
Another entrant was the downtrodden Miz who has put up with a lot of shit recently. It came down to Miz and Christian but, predictably, Christian won. He hinted that he’d face Santino later that night.
Then we had Vickie Guerrero whose dress was a strange mix of extremely sex with availability for keyhole surgery. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to turn me on or if she was just prepped for Kidney surgery. Dolph Ziggler also made a bold fashion choice with a diamond studded dog collar. The annoying thing is, he even made that look not gay. He’s the Ridiculously Photogenic Guy of the WWE. Dolph in a dog collar also kinda turned me on as I’ve always wanted to make him my bitch. Dolph along with Jack Swagger went up against the team of Kofi Kingston and R-Truth. I’m going to start calling Kofi “Betty Ford” because he seems to constantly associate with drug addicts.
The match, for the titles, was your average fair and Kofi and Dolph did some fantastic work. The quality of the match, however, was overshadowed by the awful commentary. I get its Lawler’s job to be mean about Vickie but not throughout the entire damn match. It was annoying and, even more annoyingly, Dolph and Swagger lost. Not so annoyingly, Abraham Washington was nowhere to be found. THANK. GOD.
Backstage, powerbitch Eve and David Otunga chatted to Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks. They requested that the two go into the crowd and destroy any signs. I’ve often dreamed of a wrestler destroying something of mine… but I don’t mean a sign.
We then had Divas action and I’m starting to become one of those annoying people who say something is “definitely” happening when it’s not. You know it’s bad when dirtsheets seem better informed. I’m obsessed with Kharma and when she’ll return and I presumed it’d happen at OTL but it didn’t. What we did get, though, was fantastic. Beth and Layla worked great together and the match was outstanding. Also, it was long! They were given time and the two were evenly matched in terms of skill. Layla picked up the win to retain her Divas Title. Their match, however, was also ruined by bad commentary. Booker T said that Layla shouldn’t wrestle in a knee brace as it’s “impossible”. Erm, talk to Stone Cold, idiot.
Backstage, Randy Orton was being interviewed for reasons I can’t explain. I nodded off momentarily because even his voice is boring but perked up when Jericho entered the room. Jericho said he’d win because he’s the best in the world. This annoys me because his whole feud with Punk was over that moniker. He lost the right to use it. I get he’s a bad guy but it’s called character development.
Then it was Fatal Fourway time as Orton, Sheamus, Y2J and Alberto Del Rio all faced off. This wasn’t a match I was looking forward to but I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It was quite gripped and I didn’t know who was going to win. I hadn’t been this torn since I accidentally opened two different porn movies and had to decide which one to watch. I went with plumber who gets grease on his shorts. Thanks for asking.
It was melee in every sense of the word and it seemed that Orton was going to RKO his way to victory but Sheamus swooped in to get the win.
Backstage, Eve chatted to Cody Rhodes. I had to re-watch their chat 20 times because for the first 19 I kept yelling “BITCH, STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN” furiously at the screen. The two chatted about how brave J-Lau is and that Christian will win the US Title and give it legitimacy. Cody expressed concern that Christian was too rusty but Captain ChariZZZma overheard and decided he’d go after Cody’s Intercontinental Title instead. Douche.
Then The Miz came out for his second match of the night, this time against Brodus Clay. The Miz said he was sick of the WWE Universe fawning over the Funkasaurus because he’s so ridiculous. I agree with Miz and his beautiful bouncing boobs, but then thinks took a turn for the worse… Miz danced. I love Miz and I think he is awesome but this was embarrassing. Miz’s career has crashed so hard I’m thinking of renaming him Princess Diana. After copying the dance from Thriller, Miz went up against Brodus and lost. Again. To a human dinosaur. Seriously. Princess freakin’ Diana.
Curt and Tyler then decided to REKS some signs… I’m sorry. That won’t happen again. The confiscated several signs and decided to tear them up. It was a bit brutal but completely delicious and, it being Reks and Hawkins I half expected the signs to end up victorious but these two finally got a win.
Cody Rhodes then came out and said he was glad he was never bought up in North Carolina as they’re all pretty much stupid. I love this man. He then had to face ChriZZZtian for the IC Title. I must admit it was a good match but that was only because Cody made it look so good. Now yes, I wish to ride Cody’s penis like it was a fairground attraction but he’s also very talented and he deserves a better opponent. Sorry, Peeps. Cody, however, lost and Christian picked up the win. Grumble.
CM Punk then got interviewed and basically talked about how much D-Bry had changed. Then AJ went all shadow lurker. It was kinda awkward.
I’ve decided not to recap the Punk v Bryan match and I implore you to watch it for yourselves. It was many, many shades of awesome but I did wish it’d gone on a little longer. The two are very talented and I am very happy to see that it looks like this feud will continue. I do think WWE missed a trick with this one because they should’ve somehow included AJ. They hinted at it enough but, story is story and we’ll see if that comes back around.
Backstage once more to a grinning Teddy Long. Teddy said that he has no desires on becoming GM but he believes that Eve and Otunga might end up running WWE should J-Lau have lost. I would be SO up for that.
Then WWE forgot this was a PPV and not an episode of NXT and offered us Camacho vs Rybeck. The crowd decided to show their support for Skip Sheffield’s new gimmick by chanting “Goldberg”. I do love the WWE Universe. I really do.
Then it was time for the big one. J-Lau vs John Cena. J-Lau was wearing an outfit for cycling but he still looked good. Many fans has argued that this was a ridiculous match but it was supposed to be. Cena believed that there could be no outside interference and you must admit, the entire think was VERY funny. The two of them sat, J-Lau slumped in the commentary booth pretending to be Booker T. It was genius. Kudos to J-Lau.
Then things took a turn for the sucky. J-Lau tried to run away but then was dragged back by Big Show. Cena went for the AA but Big Show hit the WMD and J-Lau won. It was too predictable, so predictable I didn’t even predict it as I thought there’d be a swerve. I was wrong and instead we’re left with an awful few weeks of mean Big Show. It really sucks, WWE. Cena is your top guy and you’re sticking him with Lesnar and Show? Despicable.
So that was Over The Limit. I thought it was mostly really good.
OK, so Wrestlemania was about a billion shades of awesome. Everyone’s got their own opinion and well, I am about to give you mine! I loved it for many reasons but what exactly went down? Well, read on.
So the show started with Lilian Garcia. I’ve felt sorry for her recently after the Zack Ryder/Zack Swagger gaffe has exploded over the internet with people writing some rather mean comments. I happen to think Lilian is one of the best announcers of my time but then there is something else she is more talented at; singing. She sang the national anthem and blew me away. I mean, I’m British but I was SO close to joining the US Army. And since Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell doesn’t exist, looking at some of the soldiers I’d have a LOT of fun.
The first match of the night was, surprisingly, Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus. This match has been building for months ever since Sheamus won the Royal Rumble. Royal Rumble winners haven’t always fared too great on the grandest stage of them all and it was clear whose side the audience was on. I’ve not heard that many people shout “YES, YES, YES” since I arranged a gay sex flashmob. They’re like orgies but you dance whilst you’re doing it. So, the bell rings but Daniel isn’t ready. He wants a peck from his lover AJ. Only, once they were done, Sheamus gave Bryan another smacker… with his boot! The match was over and done in 18 seconds and Sheamus was crowned new champion.
I thought that was amazing. People have gone crazy, they’re furious but WWE Fans love an underdog (unless his name is John Cena) and well, Bryan is now that underdog. He was hard-done to and the crowd (as evidenced by Raw) are well and truly behind him. Smart move, WWE.
Backstage Team Johnny assembled and The Miz interrupted trying to give a grand speech. It went down like a fart in a spacesuit. J-Lau, played by Colonel Sanders, appeared to give his team a pep talk. Dolph looked amazing. That’s all you need to know.
The next match was Kane vs Orton. This was more painful than lubeless anal. I swear to God. It was two superstars I didn’t really care about fighting for reasons that were way too vague. The match itself wasn’t that good either but I must admit, I did like finish. Everyone always assumes Orton is going to win big matches, so when Kane chokeslammed him off the top rope I must admit, I got a little tingle in my dingle.
Either way, can Randy Orton disappear and come back with a new personality? Ta.
Backstage once more this time to a seafood buffet where Mick Foley, Santino and some dude from The Deadliest Catch (the non-dead one) were eating crab. Random stuff happened, I got confused but it was still funny! I bet Kelly Kelly is pissed though, isn’t The Deadliest Catch her nickname?
Next was a match I was actually excited for; The Big Show vs Cody Rhodes. Rhodes came out first in a brand new outfit. He looked fiiiiine. First of all, red is a great colour on him and secondly, he has a new robe that literally frames his bulge. Way to know your audience, girl.
The match itself was actually pretty good. I had worried that the size difference would’ve played an issue but it really didn’t. Cody put in some great offense and the match was enjoyable. It can’t have been too enjoyable for Cody’s balls though, after Big Show ploughed into them. A spear to the nuts… kinky. Cody tried to recover but Show hit the WMD for the win.
We then had the Divas match that I didn’t care about. Beth Phoenix teamed up with Eve to take on the team of Kelly Kelly and “celebrity” Maria Menounos. The match was what you expected but there were some high points. It was mostly an exercise in proving that celebrities matter more than people that actually work their butts off all year (Hey, Rock!). Maria was rocking a Greek Flag tee and I was kinda hoping she’d crash like their economy. Sadly, Maria got a roll up pin on Beth for the win. Oh and there was no Kharma either. Sooooo…
Backstage once more, this time to HBK who basically explained that he had Undertaker’s career in the palm of his hand. I’d like to have Cody Rhodes in the palm of mine.
Then it was time for the match I was most excited for, The Undertaker v HHH. End of an era. Possibly end of the streak? Me recapping this won’t do it justice. Quite frankly, if you only watch one match from Wrestlemania then it must be this. HBK added so much to it, he was like the narrator. He was a friend, a fan, not wanting the pain to go on much longer. The anguish in his face, it looked like Chris Beniot had nipped around to say hello to his wife and kids. Amazing match. Gave me goosebumps. Plus, JR was in the booth so that’s always a winner.
Then it was Hall Of Fame time. Honestly? I nipped to the toilet. But I came back in time for Edge’s cute “trying not to cry” face. ADORBS.
Backstage to One Man Rock Band (not a band then, is it?) Heath Slater. I don’t know who he blew to get on Mania but he managed it. Anyways, he spurted some thinly veiled racism to Flo Rida or pushed him into a wall.
It was then time for the team match. Team Johnny v Team Teddy. The Bella Twins each introduced a team. Again, I’ve no idea why. I think WWE just wanted to give everyone a chance. The match itself was, unsurprisingly, a complete clusterfuck. There were too many men and that’s not something I say often.
The match came to an end when Eve jumped into the ring to fist pump alongside Ryder. Ryder got distracted by Eve’s massive hands and allowed The Miz to pick up the win. FYI, how spookily close were my predictions?! Crazy.
So yeah, then Eve gets all apologetic and, when Ryder turned to face her, she kicked him in the nuts. Hilarious. I love evil Eve (AKA Eveil). LONG MAY SHE REIGN.
Then we saw CM Punk backstage where J-Lau walked past. CM Punk muttered a few words of what I’m assuming wasn’t congratulations only for J-Lau to turn the tables. He announced that if CM Punk got himself DQ’d, he’d still lose the belt. OOO, TWIST.
Said match was up next with CM Punk taking on Chris Jericho. I did wonder who would win this and I was pleasantly surprised. I actually loved this match, it was great. It did exactly what it needed to do, it needed to make us believe Punk could lose. And boy did he come close. False finishes happen often but it’s nice to see it done with submissions. Eventually, Y2J tapped out to the Anaconda Vice. Awesommmme. Punk won but there were no losers in this. Except those that didn’t watch.
Then Brodus Clay came out to tell everyone he was gonna call his momma. This then lead to a bunch of dancers dressed as old women on stage dancing. It was actually hilarious and really broke up the levity of the night.
Then the main event but, it being Wrestlemania, the entrances needed to be grand. Sean “Diddy” Combs was first out after being introduced by Justin Roberts. Diddy then introduced MGK. It was like Inception. MGK was actually really good but he was there to (very vocally) support John Cena. I think props need to go to the guy. He knew it wouldn’t be popular and he managed to make it all sound legit. I enjoyed it.
Once Cena was in the ring, it was the turn of Flo Rida who was accompanied by Sia who was dressed like a slutty troll doll. She mimed the entire way through too… tut. Then The Rock made his way to the ring.
OK so the match began and, I hope I’m not alone in this, but it suuuccckkked. The match itself was REAL boring. It very much seemed like they both needed to hit certain moves and the crowd clearly loved it but I was a bit yawny. It all ended when John Cena went for the People’s Elbow and The Rock hit Rock Bottom instead. The Rock won and I hated it. He didn’t need to win. It wasn’t necessary. But, I guess things got worse on Raw.
So that was Mania and, overall, I loved it. It gets bigger and better every year and I think some great stories will come out of it. I’d love to hear what you think though.
This week was Raw’s big “go home” show. There’s no Smackdown this week so they really had to get across what’s coming up. It was a good Raw and an interesting lead in but what went down? Well, read on, girl.
The show started with a match. Not something you see that often in WWE these days but it made a refreshing change. The match was Randy Orton & Sheamus vs Kane & Daniel Bryan. Obviously two Smackdown storylines colliding awkwardly. Ah well, it was a good match. When it comes to leading into Wrestlemania, it was definitely a little nerve wracking looking at some of the bumps the guys were taking. I mean, I’m sure Randy Orton is used to two male bodyparts pouncing off him but Daniel Bryan’s feet are quite as silky smooth.
The match ended when Daniel Bryan’s brainwashed lover, played by a 12 year old girl trapped in a 25 year old girl’s body, stepped in the way of Sheamus. AJ was protecting Bryan from a Brogue kick. The tactic work and the referee escourted her out of the ring. Kane meanwhile struggled onto the apron to deliver a chokeslam. A chokeslam so hard made Kane fall over. Not to worry, I’ve often been able to walk after a good slamming.
After one of many Rock/Cena promos, Michael Cole got in the ring. He announced that he is the official commentator for Team Johnny. Erm, what else would he be? I mean, really? It’s such a dumb title but I guess it makes sense. Actually no. No it doesn’t. He’s been on Team Johnny for weeks. There was literally no need to make it official. Anyways, he then introduced my hero J-Lau who then made an announcement himself; Vickie Guerrero would be the Team Johnny flag bearer. Vickie looked stunning, as always but seemed to struggle keeping hold of the pole. If it were me, I’d practice on Dolph Ziggler.
J-Lau then introduced David Otunga and his ridiculously tiny t-shirt. He looked like the Incredible Hulk had put the washing machine on too high. I imagine it’s a fair impression of what Jennifer Hudson looks like when she falls off the WeightWatchers wagon. Booker T then took to the mic to introduce Teddy Long. Who then introduced Santino. Basically, everyone got introduced.
Then we actually got a match. It was a short one with Santino picking up the win with the Cobra. There was the usual GM ruckus which ended with Teddy and Santino tripping J-Lau up. J-Lau went crazy and Santino went to hit him with the Cobra but was hit with a Skull Crushing Finale by The Miz instead. YEY! J-Lau announced that The Miz would be on Team Johnny. Well, he actually said “congratulations on joining Team Teddy” but we knew what he meant. Thank. God. Can you imagine ‘Mania without The Miz? It’d be horrible. Anyways, Team Johnny celebrated as Vickie limply waved the flag.
The next match was Kelly Kelly vs Eve who was accompanied by Beth Phoenix. The WWE has decided this year to yet again ruin the Divas by adding an unknown celebrity. Just thought I’d remind everyone of the sorry state of the Divas Division. I can’t wait for Kharma to come back but obviously, her personal life is of more importance right now. The match was so-so and it’s a shame Eve’s wrestling repertoire isn’t as big as her hands. Kelly Kelly won with the worst roll-up in history.
Then it was CM Punk v Christian. As Punk made his way to the ring, Chris Jericho appeared on the titantron. He announced that Punk was a professional and personal fraud and that he’d exposed Punk’s shady family. He said that there was one family member left… his mother. Turns out Punk’s mother is actually morally together so Jericho instead decided to reveal that Punk’s parents got married after he was born making him a bastard. What century is this? Who cares?
Punk then took his aggression out on Christian and ended up hurting him. Christian is said to have reinjured his neck but I’ve no idea if it’s real or fake. It just looked painful. Not to worry Christian, if you need a massage Punk’s sister will oblige. And if you throw her an extra $20 she’ll give you a happy ending.
This was then followed by Brodus “Funkasaurus” Clay beating Curt Hawkins.
We then got a squash match in the form of The Big Show v Primo. For those who don’t know who Primo is he’s um, well… basically, he’s… he’s definitely a superstar. In all fairness, he’s one half of the Tag Team Champions which is currently about as great an honour as winning AIDs Patient Of The Year. Show easily beat Primo and was then ambushed by Epico who he chokeslammed immediately. Way to rebuild the tag division, Mr COO.
Cody Rhodes (*swoon*) then made his way to the ramp where he announced that he was going to make The Big Show’s name a verb to mean “fucked up” or “shit”. He obviously didn’t put it that way but this blog ain’t PG.
We then got a promo for Lord Tensai who is apparently Prince Albert. That should be interesting. I will now call him JapanA-Train.
Backstage, The Bella Twins were arguing over which team was better (Teddy or Johnny). Zack Ryder then went over and ended up insulting them. After they walked off to cash their pay cheque for standing and talking, Eve walked over to Zack to explain she was hoping they’d share a hotel at ‘Mania. I has theories but you’ll have to wait for my predictions article (out tomorrow!).
Backstage further to where Josh Matthews interviewed CM Punk. Punk basically said he wasn’t a bastard, he’s the best in the world.
Our next match was Mark Henry v The Great Khali. It was what you’d expect but J-Lau and Teddy were at ringside. Mark Henry won the match with a World’s Strongest Slam on Khali. Afterwards, J-Lau threw Teddy into the ring. He then called out the rest of his team to guard the ring. Henry and Teddy wrestled awkwardly for a while whilst Team Johnny beat on Team Teddy. Kofi tried to make the save but failed. It was, however, Booker T who managed to gain the save and was officially announced as a member of Team Teddy. I have a feeling I know who will be replacing Christian but again, wait for tomorrow.
The main event was another talky with The Rock coming out first. I actually liked this because; after he got through the bad jokes and bravado he made real sense. He explained that he’s beaten the best of the best like Hogan and Stone Cold and, in order to cement his legacy, he needs to beat Cena too. The whole idea makes great sense and added a whole new level to the match. After saying how he was going to win, Cena then interrupted. Cena explained that the steaks were just as high for him because WWE is his life. The Rock will go back to Hollywood as a star but if Cena loses, his entire life is taken away from him. The idea of that is a little flawed but it’s all to do with legacies and pride. It’s all very deep. Raw ended with them getting close enough to kiss but it never quite happened. Oh well.
The Royal Rumble was a real controversial event which is why it’s taken me so long to recap. Also, I’ve been super busy leading my secret life as a hands-on underwear salesman to college-age teen boys. The Rumble was certainly one to forget but it wasn’t completely without its memorable moments. Which is a good job, as here is a ruddy recap.
The show started with a Cage Match. It was to be Daniel Bryan v Big Show v Mark Henry for the World Heavyweight Title. The match itself was actually not that bad considering you had one dynamo and two big giants that can’t really do much. Mark Henry got a few good shots in but this match was all about Bryan and The Big Show. Show is still racked with guilt after running over AJ with his moob. I was more than happy, that bitch is annoying. Bryan, however, is just annoying. YES! YES! YES! Yes, he is.
The match came to an end when Big Show surprisingly climbed the cage to stop Daniel Bryan escaping. Big Show had firm grasp of Bryan’s hand but Bryan manage to wriggle free to retain. I mean, OK, it was shorter than it should’ve been and it lacked any amazing moment but let’s be fair… a man lifted another man using one arm. COME ON!
We were then given a John Cena promo package where people all said really nice things about him. I like Cena, he does a lot for the kids and he’s really popular on the Facebook and the Twitter as we’re reminded constantly. HE’S GOT MORE FANS THAN MICHELLE OBAMA!!!11 She’s the first lady guys, lighten up. MORE FOLLOWERS THAN THE DALAI LAMA!!11 He’s a religious figure who you shouldn’t use to gain points, Jesus Christ people. Basically it was a pro-Cena package. I’m also pro-Cena’s package.
The next match was a special HEY MY CLOTHES ARE BRIGHTER THAN YOURS Divas match. It was Beth Phoenix, Natalya and The Bella Twins vs Eve, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox and Tamina. The bad girls were all in blue whilst the good girls all wore orange apart from Tamina who looked like a drag queen. The match was short but it did involve a few good moments like when Kelly Kelly flew into the air. Who knew she was a top? And Beth Phoenix screaming “GET OUTTA MY RING” was also pretty fun. If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that I’d be able to afford a better lawyer in my sexual assault trial. The bad girls won, btw.
From Divas to screamers it was John Cena vs Kane. It was all that embrace the hate/crate/your fate/high interest rate/debate/the fact I’ll be late nonsense that looked like it’d finally come to an end. After what was a pretty mediocre bout, the two men left the ring to duke it out. The referee hit the ten count and both men were counted out. They didn’t care about that though and just carried on fighting. The brawl erupted throughout the arena with Kane tossing off Cena all over the place. Double entendre heyyyyyy. Kane finally managed to dispose of Cena and then went after Zack Ryder who was being staged in what was essentially a poorly constructed sitcom set. After kicking down the door with scary ease, Kane smothered Ryder with his hand and wheeled Ryder down to the ring. Ryder, in the meantime, was doing a weird “disabled” face which made it look like he was mocking the handicap. WOO WOO Woops, I peed myself. Eve ran down to cry a little to add to Ryder’s embarrassment as he was tombstoned. Ever the hero, Cena turned up about 5 minutes to late and got a chokeslam for his troubles. Woopsie. I began to zone out a little as I had spent the previous hour embracing a Vodka bottle.
We were then shown a promo for The Rock. Cena’s promo was about how much he liked the business, how he cared for his fans and didn’t want to do anything else. The Rock’s promoted his new movie and the fact he likes big trucks. Go figure.
Then, for some reason, WWE thought it’d be nice for us to see a Brodus Clay/Drew McIntyre match. No, me neither. Apparently, Drew had requested it from Teddy Long and you can find the full explanation on WWE.com. How about you give me a PPV worthy match… dotcom? Anyway, Brodus won. I love Brodus but he should’ve been in the Rumble.
Then it was the big CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler match. Special Guest Referee J-Lau was the first man into the ring and he explained, in the interest of fairness, that he would be officiating from the outside and a proper referee will call the match. Oh J-Lau. You’re so fair.
The match got underway and, as expected, it was a good one. We were given great moves and Dolph Ziggler’s cute little butt made me squeal in delight. Things took a dark turn when Punk accidentally knocked the referee out of the ring. J-Lau, the sweetheart that he is, decided to check on the referee to make sure he was OK. Problem was, at this point, Punk was making Dolph tap to the anaconda vice. Then J-Lau MAY have missed a three count whilst he was helping the ref back in the ring. CM Punk went crazy and threw Dolph up for the GTS, hitting J-Lau in the head and sending him crashing to the outside. In the process, Punk kinda got the three count again. Total accident. It was sorted in the end and CM Punk won. He brought it on himself. J-Lau is an ANGEL.
Then it was the Rumble. It’s hard to recap the match but here are the things that made me happy:
The Miz stayed in so long
Cody Rhodes and The Miz were practically a team. This turned me on immensely
Ricardo Rodriguez
Mr Socko v Cobra
5. Kofi’s Handstand
6. Road Dogg’s return
7. Kharma’s return/hitting her finisher on Dolph
Here are the things I didn’t like:
Kharma didn’t stay in longer
All the announcers got involved
The Big Show was the 30th entrant
Sheamus won it. FUCKING SHEAMUS. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME? I love Sheamus but, come on…
What did you think of it? Was it the end of the world as you know it or were you too bitterly disappointed by the fact WWE have botched Jericho’s return this making us look like fools for the whole It Begins thing?
Hey everyone! No Friday Fitties gallery this week due to an issue with the video feed. The images aren’t great quality and I like to provide the best. Instead, here are my predictions for this year’s Royal Rumble.
The 30-Man Royal Rumble Match
There’s a lot of speculation over who it could be. This year WWE have really pushed the fact that literally ANYONE can enter the Royal Rumble. This opens up the PPV in many ways because it means that people can do double duty. So, it means that the guys already in matches can enter.
There is a lot of talk about the winner being either Chris Jericho or Randy Orton. I think there’s a lot of weight behind the Chris Jericho argument. He’s made it very clear that the world as we know it is going to change. In fact, it’s almost like the WWE is TRYING to tell us he’s going to win. Then there’s Randy Orton. He’s back after an injury but his feud with Wade Barrett seems far from over as their match on Smackdown was a non-starter. I don’t think either Randy Orton is going to be the winner. As I feel Randy Orton doesn’t have any fire behind him. Nobody WANTS him to be a champion. I have a feeling Orton is going to eliminate Barrett and Barrett will eliminate Orton.
My money is on Chris Jericho. My reasons for which I will list below.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO
CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler w/Special Guest Referee J-Lau (WWE Championship)
So, a simple segue into this discussion. There’s a lot of theory around this match and what will happen. J-Lau has already been told that if he screws Punk then he won’t have a job. I’ve been talking about my Y2J/Stephanie McMahon theory for a very long time now and I believe it’ll tie into this match… I think that Stephanie is working against Triple H. Triple H as COO was actually pretty fair and, it turns out, is pro-Punk. In fact, when Otunga read out the letter on Raw, Punk said that Triple H was going to come back and do the right thing. This is where I feel Stephanie will be involved. She doesn’t want to do the right thing; she doesn’t want a guy like Punk as champion. I believe she’s the girl in the It Begins videos.
So how does that tie into this match? I think that the match will be real good; I think it’ll be great but I think it’ll end in a DQ. How exactly that will happen, I’m not too sure. I’m presuming it’s going to involve J-Lau being knocked out and Triple H bringing another referee to the ring who catches Vickie or Swags getting involved. Either way, it’ll be a DQ.
Everyone will be pissed off. I then think that Jericho will be helped in the Rumble. I think that it could possibly end up with Kevin Nash and Chris Jericho as the final two contestants and Nash throws himself over. Or, possibly, the lights will go down (all but Jericho’s jacket) and then everyone will have been eliminated declaring Jericho the winner.
Then on Raw we’ll get the reveal… as Triple H goes to fire J-Lau he’s interrupted by Chris Jericho AND… his wife. She says that she has control from the Board, which she’s been behind it all along, Trips is weak etc.
WINNER: CM PUNK
Daniel Bryan v The Big Show v Mark Henry [ Triple Threat Steel Cage Match] (World Heavyweight Championship)
An interesting feud here that has one prong too many. I think that they’re trying to work Mark Henry into the match so he’s still seen as dominant, but at the same time, it’s distracting from the real story where we’re supposed to decide who is turning heel.
It’s very clear that Daniel Bryan is becoming an asshole. But it’s Big Show who is also showing change. He’s gotten angrier, louder, more unpredictable. Nothing makes anybody crazier that guilt.
The other problem we have is that every time Show and Henry have a match, something gets broken. So I think it’s safe to assume that this isn’t going to be much of a cage match.
I also think that AJ will be wheeled to the ring in a neck brace, looking very injured and that will distract The Big Show.
So who will win? I predict that The Big Show will take out Mark Henry but the ruckus between the two ends up slightly hurting AJ. Show goes to check on her (this is presuming they break the cage) and AJ stands up and kicks him in the nuts. Bryan gets a few chair shots in, rolls him into the ring and makes Show tap.
Bryan and AJ celebrate… the new heel couple.
WINNER: DANIEL BRYAN
John Cena v Kane
This has been a storyline I’ve not cared much for but it’ll be an interesting match. Cena’s angry poopface indicated that he was starting to snap and all along Kane has been trying to get him to embrace the hate.
I think this match will end with Cena getting DQ’d… he goes too far and really rips into Kane. Referees, trainers etc and throws aside by a furious Cena who then pulverises Kane. Cena is finally held back and realises what he’s become whilst Kane gets up on his feet, laughs and sets off his pyro… his mission complete.
WINNER: KANE
So, they’re my predictions… what are yours? Hit me up!
Decided that a gallery shouldn’t be my last post of 2011 so I’m here with Wrestlebitch’s 30 best WWE moments of 2011 (starting from when I began the blog in April!)
So here we go (they’re in date order, not order of my favourites. This ain’t no awards show).
1. The Cena Bait and Switch
Remember how, at the 2011 Draft we all thought Cena was going to Smackdown. The internet blew up with people shocked, many annoyed and dirtsheets predicting this was the WWE launching into a new Attitude Era. Then, at the end of the show, Cena was re-drafted to RAW. Remember that? Haha.
2. Kofi leg drops Sheamus through a Table at Extreme Rules
This was a huge move and very memorable. It really made me think that Kofi is going to be a huge part of WWE in the future. I have never been a huge Kofi fan but he always brings out the big moves when he needs to and this certainly didn’t disappoint.
3. Kharma debuts
On the very same night, Michelle McCool said goodbye to WWE but after her match against Layla a dark force entered the WWE. The internet had been abuzz with rumours about Awesome Kong joining the ranks and people were real excited. Kharma didn’t disappoint, slamming McCool into the mat and making her mark… for now at least.
4. Eric on Tough Enough
Eric on Tough Enough was terrible. He was in the show for all the right reasons but, sadly, he just wasn’t working hard enough to make the cut. He turned up to the show out of shape and week after week he showed himself to be a poor contender. It wasn’t until he had to be rescued from a rope obstacle course that Stone Cole finally said goodbye to this great lump of stupid.
5. Martin has to leave Tough Enough
In an injury-packed episode, one of the series’ favourites Martin gets an ankle injury and is forced to leave his show. Fans and trainers alike were devastated when this hunk with talent lost out on his dream. There certainly wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
6. Alex Riley & The Miz try to cheat a win
When The Miz gained the upper hand in his I Quit match with Cena at Over The Limit it was clear something was up. Cena has never quit before and people were certain that it’d never happen again. It wasn’t, however, to be as it turned out Alex Riley and The Miz had recorded Cena saying I Quit and played it over a microphone. The match was restarted and John Cena got The Miz to say those all-important words.
7. Kharma’s exit
Just when everyone was getting excited about Kharma and her destroying the WWE Divas, it was clear something wasn’t quite right. The internet was buzzing with rumours about injuries, how she had failed a drug test but then Kharma made a shock announcement… she was pregnant. This then caused a huge spiral in the Divas Division resulting in lack of storylines and bad matches. It was a great exit speech though.
8. Alex Riley attacks The Miz
Simply for the homoerotica this was a great moment of 2011. It also lead to a great feud with many a great match. Sad to see that A-Ry has all but disappeared. I guess A-Ry’s DUI let him awry.
9. Punk meets Austin
In an hilarious exchange, Punk (pre-Best In The World) confronted Austin backstage when Austin was guest host. Punk didn’t take kindly to Austin’s portrayal of beer drinking and Austin had a few stern words in reply. Interesting considering Punk is now firmly in the Austin role.
10. Mark Henry’s Hall Of Pain
When Big Show attacked Mark Henry on the Smackdown before Capitol Punishment, Henry decided he wouldn’t take it on the chin. He turned up to take on Big Show and put him through a table. This was the start of Mark Henry’s hall of pain.
11. Punk Shoots
Back in July 2011, we were subjected to a real shock. During Raw’s “RAW Roulette” special, Punk was growing increasingly annoyed at John Cena’s resilience. After Cena was put through a table in the Main Event, Punk came out with a microphone and had a few stern words to say. It was brilliant.
12. Henry pushes Big Show & Drew McIntyre off the stage
Continuing his Hall Of Pain rampage, Mark Henry literally rammed Big Show off the RAW stage during his match with Drew McIntyre. It was fantastic.
13. Money In The Bank
Money In The Bank was, in my opinion, the best PPV of 2011. It even beat out Wrestlemania for me. It had everything… good stories, shock twists and surprise wins. The Money In The Bank matches themselves were great and then John Cena punching John Laurinaitis followed by CM Punk kissing goodbye to the WWE. It was all fantastic viewing.
14. Vince is relieved of his duties
Vince McMahon told John Cena that, should he lose to Punk at MITB he’d be fired. Vince was determined to see this through and the fans waited with baited breath. What we got instead though was Triple H who announced that the board had issued a vote of No Confidence over Vince and that he was relieved of his duties. Vince then cried. It was soap opera fabulousity.
15. Punk returns
In a jam-packed RAW, Triple H decided we needed a new champion. Rey Mysterio was to face The Miz but Vince being relieved of his duties got in the way. Rey got his match and picked up the win but HHH said that wasn’t fair and John Cena should get his rematch. Cena did so and beat Mysterio becoming the new WWE Champion. CM Punk however, caused a ruckus when he returned with HIS WWE title. Two belts… but who would be champion?
16. Skinny Fat Ass
Punk’s return irked many people, especially COO Triple H. Triple H had a few stern words about Punk but Punk had a few of his own. After making barbs at Stephanie McMahon, Triple H told Punk to shut up. Instead of those words, however, he told him he’d beat him on his skinny fat ass. This trended on Twitter for nearly a week intermittently.
17. Kevin Nash’s Return
Kevin Nash returned at Summerslam shocking the WWE Universe with a powerbomb to CM Punk (allowing Del Rio to cash in and become WWE Champion). People wanted answers and so did Punk and the next night on RAW the hilarity ensued as Punk read a text from his sister with some not nice things to say about Kevin Nash.
18. Triple H announces he’s Punk’s opponent
After firing Kevin Nash, Triple H called Punk into his office to tell him that he’d found a new opponent for him at Night Of Champions… HIM! Goosebumps.
19. Beth Phoenix Superplex’s Kelly Kelly
At Night Of Champions, Beth nearly snapped Kelly Kelly in half with an awesome move.
20. The Miz & R Truth apologise to Triple H
This apology was cute and humble. I loved it and really showed Miz’s great acting skills.
21. Hugh Jackman punches Dolph Ziggler
As Zack Ryder’s push builds bigger and bigger, he had Wolverine on his side when Guest Host Hugh Jackman decided to make Ryder his underdog. As it appeared Vickie was being underhand to help Dolph win, Hugh decided to get involved himself and knocked Dolph out allowing Ryder to pick up the win.
22. The WWE Walkout
After weeks of The Miz & R Truth beating on Superstars and Referees and other Superstars going crazy a team of Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, Vickie Guerrero, Christian and David Otunga formed with John Laurinaitis to claim that the WWE had become an unsafe work environment. This then resulted in an Occupy WWE movement. John Laurinaitis then told Triple H to hold a vote of no confidence. He did so and everyone walked out leaving Triple H the sole survivor.
23. Big Show & Mark Henry make the ring collapse
It was awesome. The two men went to the top rope and the result was simply carnage.
24. Kevin Nash attacks Triple H with a sledgehammer
After Triple H demanded that John Laurinaitis resign Nash in order for him to face him, Nash appeared suddenly on the stage and took out Triple H with a sledgehammer. The fight continued backstage where Nash repeatedly beat on Trips leading to an EMT to ask if he was breathing. Brilliant.
25. CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler (November 21st)
This was my favourite RAW match of 2011. I loved it.
26. Hornswoggle speaks
After winning a Christmas Wish on the Smackdown Holiday Special, Hornswoggle wished he could talk. He did. Sadly he turned out to be a little racist later on.
27. Kane Returns
After months out due to Mark Henry, Kane returned once more but this time he had something new… his mask. That’s right, Masked Kane returned but there was only one man he was after… John Cena.
28. TLC 2011
After Money In The Bank, this was the best PPV of 2011. Maybe I have a thing for ladders but it certainly bought around great moves, shock results and a really good crowd. I loved it.
29. Coby Rhodes
In terms of Comedy, this was perhaps the funniest moment in 2011. Santino is really under-utilised.
30. It Begins
These have been fantastic promos keeping everyone guessing. I personally think that Stephanie McMahon & Y2J will return. Many are calling me dumb for that as it’s DEFINITELY THE UNDERTAKER YOU GUYS!!!! I’m allowed to dream, yo.
So. That rounds up my 30 favourite moments from 2011. Do you agree? Disagree? Let me know.
Wrestlebitch is going to have a few changes in 2012 and I’m certainly looking for guest articles to post. If you feel you could write something Bitch-worthy then email me (wrestlebit@gmail.com) either the article or a pitch for the article. If I get a couple I might do a guest post week!
This is going to be my last post (apart from the RAW Gallery) until the New Year now. Not sure of a comeback date but make sure you keep an eye on my Twitter from updates and plenty of other WWE and Non-WWE action. Shameless plug over, on with the show.
We began with CM Punk who gave himself an old-school introduction. It was basically there to wind up The Miz and Alberto Del Rio. CM Punk then came to the ring and said how epic he thought TLC was. He then “proudly” introduced Daniel Bryan or as I like to call him, Hypocrite McHypocriteson. Then, after Bryan, he introduced Zack Ryder. The men basically discussed how they were living the dream and yadda yadda yadda. Please. I run a semi-successful wrestling blog with a mainly gay audience that use my site to jack off to. I’M the real winner.
Predictably but wonderfully, the celebrations were cut short by The Miz, Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler. The three men are obviously still peeved that they lost their matches. So they made their way to the ring to take on the three “heroes” and were met with violence. Those big meanies. Also, major OMG at Ryder hitting Dolph after he jumped over the rope. I literally thought he was going to kill Dolph. The day was saved, however, by my personal hero, Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of RAW John Laurinaitis. I’m a huge fan of John because I too am into rimming.
So the main event was made. It would be three goodies vs three baddies. HUZZAH!
There was no chance they were going to ruin the high of the opening so they offered us a rematch of the Randy Orton/Wade Barrett bout. Oh wait, no, that totally killed my buzz. I used my usual Diva Match Urine supply to instead go relieve myself during this segment. I came back, however, to Barrett throwing Orton through a table. It was sweet relief but, sadly, Orton will be back. I mean, the man is an actual warhorse. He’s worked after major surgery… he had his personality removed.
We were then told by Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole that Kevin Nash would be out for six weeks. It was nice for them to be optimistic but Lawler quickly jumped in and hinted at the fact that it would possible be forever. Way to cover all bases, gurl.
It was then Diva time. I had already urinated so decided I’d just sit and watch. Luckily for me, it didn’t last long. The match was Beth Phoenix v Alicia Fox and it was an OK match that lasted an amazing one minute 25 seconds. Alicia did well and picked up the win. Sadly, she ruined it by wishing everyone a “FOX-AYYYY CHRISTMAS”. I hope a fox rips out her throat so we never have to hear he talk again.
After rummaging through my neighbours bins in a bid to get my “FOX-AYYYY CHRISTMAS” going on, we returned from a break and to Jinder Mahal and Sheamus. Or should that be Shameless because he’s meant to be a solid voice in the locker room yet he’s allowing Jinder Mahal to exist. His character, by the way, is basically “evil Asian man” because the WWE just hasn’t had enough of them, have they? It was boring. Sheamus picked up the win but in a match against Jinder Mahal there are no winners.
John Cena then came out. Not like that. It was to address the fact that Kane chokeslammed him on last week’s RAW. See, Cena wasn’t very happy but he wanted to let Kane know he would understand if it was an accident. An accident?! Really?! Who the fuck gets accidentally chokeslammed? I’ve been accidentally choked after mis-guessing my gag reflex but nobody gets accidentally chokeslammed. Cena said that if, on the off chance, it wasn’t an accident he wanted to face Kane there and then. He was, however, met by Mark Henry instead. Henry limped down to say he wasn’t happy. I presumed that catering hadn’t arrived but Henry was instead talking about Cena trying to make jokes. Nobody likes Cena trying to make jokes, why is he so bothered now? Henry got even more pissed off by the “Sexual Chocolate” chants. Oh the Attitude Era, we look back on you with such rose tinted glasses. Anyway, Kane’s pyro hit and he came down in that weird welder’s mask thing. I hope that doesn’t stick.
Kane then went after Cena and brutally beat him. Then he tried to smother him with his hand causing him to bleed. It was weirdly kinky.
Then for some reason RAW bled into Superstars and we had to suffer The Usos taking on Primo & Epico. I mean, I understand trying to beef up the Tag Team division now Evan Bourne is back but come on… these guys?! The Usos are about as fun as lube-less anal and as for Primo & Epico? Me no gusta. The Usos entrance is also stupid. It was the Siva Tau which is the Samoan war dance. I’m all for culture on our screens but it just looked like they were taking a dump whilst getting their tonsils checked. Dumbo and Dumbero won, however so I guess the war dance wasn’t even worth it.
We then went backstage to the man I’m determined to enter… into a civil partnership with Cody Rhodes. My future husband was interviewed by Josh Matthews and Cody basically said that the Royal Rumble ad was stupid and so was Booker T. I can NOT wait for our pillow talk. Santino then turned up with a present for Cody… or as he kept calling him “Coby” and it turned out to be a cobra in a box. I’d also like to put my hand in a box… Cody’s. Boom tish. It was actually hilarious and proof that WWE CAN do comedy.
Santino, however, quickly learnt that you don’t mess with Coby, I mean, Cody and Cody picked up the win.
We then had a lovely Tribute To The Troops segment. I like what the WWE does for the Troops. It warms my ice cold heart. I’m all for the Troops but even the most anti-conflict people must agree that we need another war… against Nickleback. It can’t just be me that’s done with them, right?
Backstage once more this time to EVPOTRAIRGM John Laurinaitis who was breaking up a fight between The Bella Twins. I can’t remember what they were fighting over because I tune out when I see them. I’m pretty sure it was probably over whose career will end first. Silly muffins, they’ll both die career-wise together and neither of them are talented. The Bella Twins kissed John and went away. Vickie Guerrero then stormed in demanding Dolph get justice. Hornswaggle snook up on her and forced a kiss under mistletoe. I’m loving Hornswaggle’s new character: racist, sexist and now… a rapist. But it’s OK because he’s a little person.
Then there was a dumb interview between Josh Matthews and The Big Show where Josh basically made fun of Show and said pretty much that he’s a loser. Big Show should’ve punched him. I would’ve.
We then had the main event. Punk/Bryan/Ryder all came down through the crowd. It was actually pretty awesome as an entrance and it was nice to see the fans go so crazy. The bad guys then came down and the match was underway. Considering most of these guys went through hell and back at TLC the previous night, it was a REALLY good match. I honestly think that a Cody/Daniel Bryan feud would be amazing. They work well together.
The good guys picked up the win, flashed their new bling and then re-entered the crowd to share the victory.
With that the show was over and so is this recap.
My RAW gallery will be the last thing I post for a while now so I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. When I started this blog in April I had no idea what it’d be come and I look forward to making 2012 the Year Of The Bitch.
Wrestlebitch.com 