Twas The Night Of Wrestlemania

Mar29

Twas the night of Wrestlemania
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even Stardust
The snacks were laid out in the fridge with care
In hopes that the Big Show wouldn’t be there

The beers were nestled all snug in their place
The Network buffered quickly with a smile on my face
Ladder Match contenders stood praying for a push
Dolph Ziggler was oiling from his neck to his tush

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
Many superstars were brawling, looking for dreams to shatter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
To enter the ring and try to win the Andre The Giant Match

The glare of my TV on leather sofa that’s actually faux
Gave the lustre of moonlight to the laminate flooring below
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Paul Heyman announcing Brock Lesnar was here

With a beefy presence, and a neck so thick
Brock flexed his biceps and let Heyman do all of his schtick
More rapid than eagles his opponent soon came
And he bounced through the crowd and roared Lesnars’ name

“Believe that” Roman warned to this calculating man
The problem is Brock just didn’t give damn
To the corner of the turnbuckle to the top of the tron
Wrestlemania was soon starting, the excitement had begun

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
There was a boo from the crowd and a glint in an eye
Triple H makes his way to prove he’s the King
And defeat the throne’s threat, the enigmatic Sting

And then, in a twinkling, came word from backstage
Russian music played out and the crowd went to a rage
Rusev appeared with Lana in tow
Soon then came John Cena screaming “let’s go”

A lightning bolt hit and Undertaker appeared
Bray Wyatt’s demands was finally adhered
The Show of Shows is all about glamour
But as I went to sit down I heard such a clamour

His thighs how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
And I counted an 8 pack adorned on his belly
His droll little mouth was drawn like a bow
As he told me he’d soon hit an RKO

Seth Rollins his opponent didn’t care for him at all
But I was soon to discover who’d really stand tall
With J&J security at his side helping him win
Like a Diva’s waist, his chances are thin

Revenge is coming, she smiled to say
But that wouldn’t be too easy for crazy AJ
Her friendship with Paige is what she needed to tackle
But The Bellas just watched as they let out a cackle

I spoke not a word as the music soon played
The games were over, the WWE logo displayed
Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL too
Welcomed us to Wrestlemania with a how-do-you-do

The fireworks exploded and the excitement rose
I felt a buzz from my head right down to my toes
As Jerry Lawler beamed and roared, getting zanier and zanier
“Welcome ladies and gentlemen”… “To WRESTLEMANIA!”

Twas The Night Of Wrestlemania

Apr6

Twas the night of Wrestlemania
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even Shea-mouse
The snacks were laid out in the fridge with care
In hopes that the Big Show wouldn’t be there

The beers were nestled all snug in their place
Sky Box Office was booked with a smile on my face
Damien Sandow stood praying for a Wrestlemania push
Dolph Ziggler was oiling from his neck to his tush

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
Many superstars were brawling, looking for dreams to shatter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
To enter the ring and try to win the Memorial Match

With a beefy presence, and a neck so thick
Brock flexed his biceps and let Heyman do all of his schtick
More rapid than eagles his opponent soon came
And he sounded the gong and roared Lesnars’ name

“Rest In Peace” he warned to that calculating man
The problem is Brock just didn’t give damn
To the corner of the turnbuckle to the top of the tron
Wrestlemania was soon starting, the excitement had begun

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
There was a boo from the crowd and a glint in an eye
This was The Authority, dressed to impressed
Ignoring the crowd’s chants of “Yes, Yes, Yes”

And then, in a twinkling, came word from backstage
The lights went dark from locker room to stage
The Wyatts appeared so gloomy and strange
Soon then came John Cena screaming with rage

A goat mask to hand, he had one demand
That The Wyatts pay for their actions that were so underhand
The Show of Shows is all about glamour
But as I went to sit down I heard such a clamour

His thighs how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
And I counted an 8 pack adorned on his belly
His droll little mouth was drawn like a bow
As he told me he’d soon hit an RKO

Batista his opponent didn’t care for him at all
But I was soon to discover who’d really stand tall
Then I saw a man with a broad face and dead eyes
Who warned of a threat for both of those guys

A Triple Threat will be coming, he smiled to say
But The Shield soon tore Corporate Kane away
Randy sighed deep and went off in a sulk
But in the background there was laughter from the legend Hulk

I spoke not a word as the music soon played
The games were over, the WWE logo displayed
Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL too
Welcomed us to Wrestlemania with a how-do-you-do

Why I Love WWE

Apr6

Now, I’m not usually one for reposts but this still counts today.

Last year I wrote an article about why it is I love WWE.

Check it out.

Road To Wrestlemania #1: Why I Love WWE

March 28, 2012 by thewweb | Leave a comment

With it being Wrestlemania, I wanted to write something with a bit of gravitas. I then realised I’m not one for all that so I decided to write about something easy, close to my heart, and something we can all relate to: why I love wrestling.

My wrestling fandom began in 1997, when I was just 7 years old. I began watching during the Stephanie McMahon/Test/HHH storyline. My first ever Raw, I sat with my cousin who had been telling me how good it was. It was the big wedding. My cousin brought me up to speed on the story and I watched with glee as it all went horribly wrong. I fell in genuine pre-gay love with Stephanie McMahon (a love affair which continues to this day).

I became enthralled in the story, the fact that the good guy always came out on top. I loved the feeling of danger that came with siding with a heel. I fist-pumped the air when Stone Cold got one over on Vince McMahon. My obsession was deep. Every Christmas, my bedroom became filled with WWF PPV VHS’ and wrestling figures. I loved my wrestling figures. I had hundreds (worth nothing as I always destroyed them). It was using my figures that I first got to grips with writing. I used to spend hours creating intricate stories full of betrayal and scandal.

One of my fondest memories was my first house show. It was 2003, around the time of Wrestlemania. I was a huge John Cena fan. I regularly used to scream “word life” and responded to people in bad rap. My Dad took me into the living room where there was a big piece of cardboard with a marker pen and a brand new wrestling belt. It took me a while to connect the dots and he literally had to spell it out for me. He told me I had 20 minutes to create a sign. I scrawled “Wordlife 619” on it in support of my two favourite wrestlers at the time. We packed up in the car and went. There I watched in amazement at John Cena, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Big Show… the best of the best. Eddie was doing his run against Big Show and recreated the “sewerage” moment. We went crazy. I was high, high up in the bleachers. We weren’t that well off but my Dad had read about the show in the paper. It was one of the best moments in my life.

When I turned 15, I thought I was too cool for wrestling. I abandoned it completely as my friends would mock me openly for being a fan. When I turned 16, my Grandad died. We were very close but my brothers and sisters weren’t so. I felt angry, isolated and I had nowhere to turn. Then I was sat flicking through channels and saw a WWE Experience show (a compilation of Raw & Smackdown moments). The show had changed massively. John Cena was now a corporate good guy. Still, I found it comforting. Nothing bad happens in WWE that doesn’t go unrewarded. WWE has always taught karma. The bad guy gets it. At a time in my life when everything felt unjust, WWE was just what I needed to believe in life again.

So I began watching and was hooked again. This time I joined the Internet Wrestling Community. I jumped on message boards. After a year or so I checked out Wrestlegasm. I had regular chats with Rae and Andrew and it made me care. Eventually I cared enough to open this very blog because I wanted to share my perspective.

I love WWE. I will always love WWE. My big dream is to be a writer there one day. I’m often mocked for being a 21 year old WWE fan. I’ve been to several house shows now and yeah, the landscape has changed. The sweary teens have been replaced by exciteable kids but, you know what? I love it. These kids that chant for Cena, that get all dressed up and wave signs. They remind me of why I was a fan. Why I am still a fan and why I’ll forever remain a fan.

I’d love to hear your stories, get in touch and I might just put them up!

XO-TWB

Wrestlemania Predictions

Apr4

So, Wrestlemania is drawing closer and closer. But what might go down at the Show of Shows? Well, it wouldn’t be a PPV without my always incorrect and bizarre predictions. Remember, these are from the brain of a crazy person.

But do make sure you let me know what YOU think will go down at Wrestlemania.

Wade Barrett v The Miz (Pre-Show Match for the Intercontinental Title)

I think this could prove to be a good match. Yes, it’s pre-show but it’s Wrestlemania AND it’s televised. It’s sad to see The Miz come from main eventing to this but, like every job, sometimes you’re on top and sometimes you’re a bottom. Ok, I may be talking about orgies.

Either way, we’re no doubt in for a treat which I think will see The Miz win the title.

WINNER: The Miz

Team Hell No v Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston (for the Tag Team Titles)

I think this could be a nice surprise of the night. I don’t think this will be a match that’s remembered for being a great match but I think it’ll act as a storytelling device.

It’s my belief that this match will end in a no-contest thanks to AJ shenanigans. I’m guessing some sort of double count-out. I think that AJ will screw Dolph over and leave him out of the Tag Team title race.

Raw In Jokes

Mar31

Hello!

And a very Happy Easter to all my lovely followers.

I hope all that chocolate hasn’t hampered your ability to laugh because, well, it’s a Raw In Jokes kinda recap!

XO-TWB

–          CM Punk has vowed to end the streak at Wrestlemania. Punk is great at ending things… like Serena’s career

–          Fandango continued his assault on Chris Jericho and screamed at him to “say my name” because apparently he’s a Destiny’s Child fan

–          Kaitlyn was attacked by AJ Lee after calling her crazy. Because if anything says “not crazy”, it’s assaulting a chick in a locker room

–          The Big Show once again joined forces with Randy Orton and Sheamus to fend off The Shield. The men are said to fight collectively under their team name; The Zzzield

–          Triple H has said that Brock Lesnar better be prepared to fight with his life but if Triple H doesn’t kill him, I’m sure all those Jimmy John’s will

–          The Rock and John Cena went face-to-face in an almost 25 Minute Debate. It was a lot like watching Obama v Romney, you didn’t want either of them to win but you had to pretend to care

Making the main event a debate has raised a few eyebrows amongst wrestling fans who have asked WWE to just stop trying to make us care. Which leads me on to a new segment called… Just Stop.

–          Hey, WWE, just stop trying to make us care about The Rock vs John Cena 2. You billed the first one as once in a life time and here we are again? What is with all the repeat matches? It’s a good job WWE don’t write fairytales because they’d all start “A few times upon a time”

–          And just stop trying to make Sweet T a “thing”. It’s not a thing. The sweetest thing about Tensai are the tears he cries at night, wishing he’d never left Japan

–          Oh, and whilst we’re at it, just stop with the tweets. If I wanted to read what people are saying on Twitter, guess what, I’D READ TWITTER. I don’t care what @WWEBiggestFanEvr thinks about the show nor do I care for the shocking absence of grammar

–          And PLEASE just stop with the recaps of things we’ve literally just seen. I don’t need to see a 2 minute recap of something that happened before the advert break because, unlike a big slice of your roster, I’m not high! SO JUST STOP

Raw In Jokes

Mar24

Hey hey.

Once again, I forgot to do my WWEek In Jokes. If you’re looking for a consistent blog… y’in the wrong place. It *was* my niece’s birthday so that’s a pretty legit excuse, you guys.

So, it’s Raw Recap Sunday. So let’s have a Raw In Jokes special.

Enjoy.

XO-TWB

– John Cena debuted a new bright yellow t-shirt because being a John Cena fan wasn’t embarrassing enough

– Fandango was infuriated when Chris Jericho failed to pronounce his name properly. Don’t take it to heart, buddy, nobody knows who you are

– Jack Swagger broke the ankle of Ricardo Rodriguez. Don’t worry, Ricardo, I’m sure Jack can hook you up with some good “pain relief”

– The Big Show came to the aide of Randy Orton and Sheamus. I don’t know about Randy but the voices in my head were telling me to change the channel

– Triple H will be forced to retire if he loses against Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania which leads me to a very special spin-off of WWEek In Jokes called C’mon WWE!*

* C’mon WWE, Triple H has teased retirement more than Brad and Angelina have had children I mean, c’mon.

* And C’mon WWE, didn’t Triple H retire last year? The only people benefiting from all these retirements are the people who make the cake, c’mon!

* Oh c’mon, how bad of a stipulation can it be? The man is married to the daughter of the chairman. “Looks like I’m going to have to retire” “How about we just rehire you?” “That’ll work” c’mon!

* C’mon WWE, how stupid do you think we are? There’s no real threat here. And sure, it may very well be Triple H’s last match… of March. But he’s like herpes, he’ll keep coming back.

* And C’mon WWE, don’t think I hate Triple H. I think he’s great. But it’s hard to get excited about a match where a guy who literally runs the company might lose his career. It’s not like he’s going to lose everything. He’s the son-in-law of a billionaire. I’ve seen more jeopardy on an actual episode of Jeopardy. C’MON!

*Yes, this entire bit was ripped from SNL Weekend Update’s “Really?!” but fuck you.

Rockin’ Raw Poetry Recap

Mar17

Hey all.

As you know I often try to come up with unique ways to give you your Raw Recap. This week is a poem.

Enjoy…

XO-TWB

This week on Raw was mostly a tribute
But even that turned into major dispute
The cad that is Punk interrupted Undertaker
Who was paying tribute to Paul Bearer, who’d sadly met his maker
Evil Punk soon found himself placed in a match with Kane
His protests fell on deaf ears, his anger all in vein

Big Show tried to step up
And take down The Shield
But, much like acting, this wasn’t his strongest field
The gang were far too much for even the Big Show
He was soon laid on his back and The Shield gained a new foe

Ziggler faced Daniel Bryan
The match was rather great
But even when Dolph had won
They rubbed it in Bryan’s face
AJ signalled for Big E to lift him on his back
Soon D-Bry was up in the air, and the goat hit the mat

Fandango was supposed to wrestle
But he refused to yet again
His problem is that nobody seems
To know how to say his name

The New Age Outlaws were in a match
Against The Rhodes Scholars
But Brock Lesnar interrupted to boos and to hollers
Brutal Brock hit F5 and Heyman took to the mic
They said Triple H could have the match…
But they’d pick what ever stipulation they’d like

Kofi faced Mark Henry and Kingston was just squashed
I guess it’s nice to see it but I didn’t care to watch
Henry will face Ryback soon as the giant faces another
I hope I will change my mind but right now I’m like “oh, brother”

The Bella Twins returned on Raw
With Rhodes Scholars they did flirt
Poor Kaitlyn was stood there but was soon kicked to the curb!

Ryback faced Heath Slater
The Ginger was soon ground
Ryback really is the meanest Will Sasso Lookalike around

Del Rio faced Antonio
It was a match that was quite fun
But his feud with Jack Swagger well,
That’s only really just begun

Rhodes Scholars returned to the ring
In a match with new opponents
Sadly for this duo, Orton and Sheamus owned it
With an RKO and a brogue, their luck was truly out
A Shorton victory made the crowd scream and shout

A highlight reel with Jericho was soon invaded
As Brad Maddox tried to explained a match, well, he’d made it
The Miz faced Jericho in a match that was short lived
As Wade Barrett interfered and soon had his skull crushed in
A Code Breaker finish defeated this British monster
But no doubt he’ll get his revenge in a title contest

Swagger faced Sin Cara
After victory he tried to hurt him
So Alberto soon ran in like a Mexican Peter Parker
He and Swagger soon battled, Del Rio with the upperhand
But this will still continue until Swagger has the belt in hand

Then we had the main event
Punk went up against Kane
And thanks to the Undertaker, his brother won that game
But with the Urn that once held such power
CM Punk bashed in Kane’s skull as we closed the third hour.

Elimination Chamber Predictions

Feb17

So tonight is Elimination Chamber and well, it wouldn’t be a WWE PPV without me giving you predictions that almost never come true and are a complete fantasy in my head. Don’t forget, I want to hear yours so be sure to leave a comment!

Brodus Clay & Lord Tensai v Team Rhodes Scholars (Pre-Show)

It seems odd they’d reunite Team Rhodes Scholars simply for a pre-show but, well, that’s exactly what they’ve done. Clay and Tensai have fast become allies but will it be enough to beat the newly reunited Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow.

It’d seem odd to be to reunite Sandow and Rhodes and have them lose. That is, of course, unless they want to pair them up so they can argue, fall out and then feud.

For that reason I’m going to say Brodus Clay & Lord Tensai face off with Cody turning face to feud with old friend Damien Sandow.

WINNERS: Brodus Clay & Lord Tensai

Kaitlyn vs Tamina Snuka (Divas Championship)

I can’t say I care much about this match at all, sadly. These two ladies have had some interesting interactions but not enough to get me excited about a tag match. Tamina certainly has the strength but Kaitlyn has managed to pull it out of the bag on numerous occasions. But, I just don’t think that Kaitlyn is going to lose the belt just yet.

WINNER: Kaitlyn

Antonio Cessaro v The Miz (United States Championship)

It’s an interesting one. Cessaro physically dominates The Miz but Miz has a new aggression and passion to really battle himself through. I think that The Miz is fighting for the honour of his country and I believe that won’t be good enough. I actually think that The Miz will lose and Antonio Cessaro will win. Once Cessaro has won, Xenophobic “Real American” Jack Swagger will beat down Cessaro, the foreigner who dares carry around the American Flag.

WINNER: Antonio Cessaro

Alberto Del Rio v The Big Show (World Heavyweight Championship)

I think this will be a great match. Alberto Del Rio wants nothing but to be champion at Wrestlemania and The Big Show just wants to beat down Del Rio and recapture the title. It’s about two different things for these men but there’s no denying that Big Show is pissed. However, Del Rio always has some sort of trick up his sleeve and I think he’ll manage to do it again. I think Del Rio will pick up the win.

WINNER: Alberto Del Rio

Randy Orton v Jack Swagger v Mark Henry v Chris Jericho V Kane v Daniel Bryan (Elimination Chamber for World Heavyweight Championship Shot at Wrestlemania)

This one is an interesting one. I actually think that Jack Swagger will be taken out by an angry Antonio Cessaro. That will leave a place open which will go to Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler and Chris Jericho will make it down to the final 2 only to have Chris Jericho win.

Jericho will then gloat on Raw about his win and then, that night, Ziggler will cash in his Money In The Bank. That’s right, I think we’ll see it cashed in on Raw and not tonight!

WINNER: Chris Jericho

The Shield v John Cena, Sheamus & Ryback

This will be an interesting one but I think we’ll see a surprise ending here. I think tonight we’ll find out who is REALLY behind The Shield. But not in this match, more on that later. I think The Shield will get the beating they deserve and Cena/Sheamus/Ryback will pick up the win. I think that, after the match, Brock Lesnar will run in and take out Cena, Sheamus and Ryback.

WINNERS: John Cena, Sheamus & Ryback

The Rock vs CM Punk (WWE Championship, if The Rock is DQ’d or counted out, Punk wins)

Now there’s an obvious option here; The Shield could fake attack CM Punk to ensure that The Rock is DQ’d and then CM Punk wins the championship. Everyone is going to have that in the back of their mind and I think they’ll make it look like that. Near the end of the match, The Shield will come down and The Rock will try and fight them and The Shield fight back. CM Punk, meanwhile, thinks he’s won as the referee counts down. However, we’ll see Paul Heyman throw The Rock back in the ring. CM Punk will be distracted enough for The Rock to hit Rock Bottom for the win. Confusion will reign as The Shield run back in and take out both Punk and The Rock.

Paul Heyman stands over him as AJ’s music hits and she skips to the ring. AJ plants a big kiss on Heyman. The reason? Remember that proposal? She accepted. The two are secretly married and have been playing Punk all along so AJ could get her revenge. CM Punk loves Paul Heyman like a father. CM Punk also broke AJ’s heart. So AJ set out a plan to break his.

It may sound crazy but you just never know.

So there’s my crazy predictions. Let me know yours!

XO-TWB

Paul Heyman: An Ass Who Just Won’t Quit

Feb17

This week’s Raw was leading into Elimination Chamber which meant that storylines had to amp themselves up and, boy, did they.

The Shield & John Cena/Ryback/Sheamus

For Ryback and Sheamus, taking down The Shield is simply a matter of revenge. These guys have messed with them and others for too long. They want to see these men gone, to see them destroyed. For Cena, though, this is much more. His relationship with The Shield is deep rooted because The Shield represent something in his past he’s ashamed of; The Nexus. The Nexus abused and humiliated Cena, they forced him to do things he didn’t want to do and they belittled in. Sure, he got his eventually, but Cena doesn’t want to see a repeat of that again. So for him, this is a second chance at taking out a rouge group that threaten not only the WWE but also his dominance.

The Shield, however, hate these men. These men are beloved by the WWE Universe and it makes them sick. It’s unjust, to them, to have to fight and claw so hard yet these men appear to be given chance after chance.

The Miz & Antonio Cessaro

Antonio completely destroyed The Miz on Raw. The Miz is representative of the things Antonio Cessaro hates about America. He believes America should change. The Miz isn’t what Cessaro considers a real American so he’s going to fight him. Also, The Miz wants his championship belt! The US Title is Cessaro’s only weapon against what he perceives is American ignorance. If he has the title, he has the power to dictate what the US should be.

The Miz, however, is a good guy now. He’s fighting for the honour of Americans but also the honour of himself. Ric Flair passing the torch wasn’t just an honour but also a burden. He’s the crowd’s guy now, he has to win in order to deserve it.

Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho is out to prove one thing; that, no matter how long he’s gone, he’s still the greatest. What Jericho is great at is blurring the lines between what’s real and what’s created for entertainment. So he’ll take to Twitter to say how a superstar is stealing from him or how he’s better than them because Jericho believe he is. He’s also aware that his significance could fade. He’s away from WWE quite a lot and, when he is, there are other guys there willing to fill his spot. Guys like Dolph Ziggler. So Jericho wants in the Chamber because he wants another shot at getting gold because he wants to remain the Golden Boy.

Big Show & Alberto Del Rio

What I have loved about this has been the balance in humour and aggression. Del Rio and The Big Show have been playing mind games for quite a while now but it was time for all that to come to an end and for things to get a bit more serious. The Big Show sent a clear message on Raw by knocking out Matt Striker, that he can dominate anyone he needs to.

Del Rio also sent a message, he has his eyes on the grand stage of Wrestlemania and he’s going to lock in his focus at any cost.

Jack Swagger

Jack Swagger’s return has kinda sucked. He went away, got a bit beefier (I know, right?) and then came back to dominate. The thing is, he came back on Smackdown. It would’ve made more sense for him to return to Raw. I’m not entirely sure how the whole Zeb Coulter thing is going to play out. It seems like Swagger’s new thing is going to be the “Real” American and go along the lines of anti-immigration and anti-Obama. It’d be interesting to see if the WWE plays it as a parody or it’s just actually them showing their support for those views. I believe that having Zeb use the name Coulter is a play on crazy conservative Ann Coulter but who knows? It’s no secret Linda McMahon is a Republican but she has swayed on the more liberal side of major issues so who knows where this will end up?

CM Punk & Paul Heyman

Paul Heyman announcing he was going to quit literally tore CM Punk apart. Punk LOVES Heyman with all his heart, he’s like the father he’s always wished he had. Punk relies on Heyman for strength and for belief. Punk is a Godless man but his faith is placed within Paul Heyman. Heyman, meanwhile, believes that Punk is the best. Is Heyman’s interest in Punk pure?

CM Punk & The Rock

CM Punk feels like the title was stolen from him. He believe that The Rock cheated by having the match restarted and, therefore, cheated him out of the thing that makes him feel special. The WWE Title is the pinnacle of everything for Punk and for The Rock to steal that is the worst crime. So Punk decided to show The Rock exactly how it felt to have the title stolen from you. But for The Rock it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because the people know who the real champion is. But who will come out of Elimination Chamber a true champion?