Old School Recap

Hey all.

I’m aware I’ve not posted much recently so I wanted to make it up to you by kicking it OLD SCHOOL. That’s right, a full blown recap.

So the show opened with Stephanie McMahon, the love of my life in the dark timeline where I’m straight, talking about Daniel Bryan. For those who don’t remember, Steph decided that Daniel  needed a “corporate makeover” in order to make Vince happy.

It was time for the big unveiling complete with length video package. What were we to see? A whole new Daniel with shaved beard and new haircut? I mean, this is Raw, they’re not going to do some crappy segment right? Right?

Turns out the big makeover was Daniel having hairgel put in his hair and him wearing a suit. Then it went from bad to worse. Stephanie left the ring after congratulating Corporate Daniel Bryan. Vince then made his way down and said that, if Daniel wants his approval, he has to shave his beard. Wade Barrett came down with a barber’s chair and some clippers and it ended up in a strange brawl. Daniel then took to the mic to talk about he was a wrestler and not some corporate stooge.

Then we had RVD v Alberto Del Rio. We were then re-introduced to Ricardo Rodriguez who was touted as returning from “severe injury”. The severe injury was to his judgement, as Ricardo was actually back from a Wellness Violation ban. The match had its usual shenanigans as Ricardo set up the bucket in the corner for ADR to throw RVD into. However, it didn’t go to plan as Ricardo ended up hitting the metal and RVD picked up the win.

Infuriated at this, ADR then beat down Ricardo and even crushed his head between steel steps. It was pretty brutal.

Cody Rhodes came to the ring after a break with an interesting package (naughty). We were then shown the footage from Smackdown (which has been great recently) of Cody stealing the briefcase and then throwing into the ocean then the subsequent brawls. I’m loving Cody v Damien so it was fun to see it in a nice little video.

Cody then revealed that in the box was the Money In The Bank briefcase which had been fished from the ocean. It was not in good health and Damien Sandow made his way to the ring to get it. Cody acted as if though he didn’t want a fight but pulled a fast one and ended up being beat down by Cody.

Our next match was Ryback v Mark Henry. Henry has sadly lost his big momentum from the fake retirement speech and this match was short lived as Ryback left the ring for a 10 count.

Backstage, Total Divas The Bella Twins were joined by Eva Marie to discuss how they hated Natalya. Natalya then showed up to slap one of The Bellas and Eva Marie tried to pretend that she could act. If you haven’t watched Total Divas yet then do. It’s hilarious. Also, I totally think they should give Seamstress Sandra from Episode 2 her own show. Obsessed.

Cena then came out to reply to Daniel Bryan. Bryan basically accused Cena of just being an entertainer whilst he is a wrestler. Cena didn’t like that very much and explained how he had loads of titles. Cena even acknowledged the “you can’t wrestle” chants which, let’s be honest, is one of the douchiest chants in WWE. The guy has put his body through years of pain and put on some great matches yet the crowd continue to chant “you can’t wrestle” just because Cena didn’t earn his spot via the indies. Cena pretty much addressed that point saying that working in Japan doesn’t mean you’re the greatest and that it takes much more to make it in the WWE.

Then, for some reason, Randy Orton showed up. Orton couldn’t have walked any slower to the ring as Michael Cole screamed that he might be cashing in. There was no cash-in and instead Orton reminded Cena that Daniel Bryan wasn’t the only person he should worry about. With that, The Shield then made their way to the ring to beat down slash fiction’s favourite couple and Daniel Bryan joined the mix to even things up. Brad Maddox as his beefy ass then came out to announce a 6-man tag match.

Tons of Funk v The Wyatt Family was the next match and The Wyatt Family destroyed the crowd favourite. Afterwards, they were beaten up and Bray Wyatt did his usual speech but, admittedly, he was mumbling slightly so at one point I’m pretty sure he announced he was gay.

Then Kane appeared to announce he was still the Devil’s favourite demon and that Bray had better fear him.

CM Punk and Josh Matthews had an awkward interview. CM Punk is mad, y’all.

Layla then made her way to the ring and revealed she turned on Kaitlyn because she was sick of her getting all the attention. I much prefer evil Layla to nice Layla so it’s good to have her back. And Layla aligning with AJ is also awesome. It’d be great to get LayCool back though.

Anyways, Layla v Kaitlyn got underway and Layla did every dirty trick in the book which even included hanging from the top rope like a sloth. Eventually, AJ would cause a distraction to allow Layla to pick up the win.

Christian also won a match vs Heath Slater.

CM Punk v Curtis Axel followed that and Curtis Axel was basically used as a hype man for Brock Lesnar. After winning the match, Punk went after Paul Heyman and Brock came out. I hate to admit it, but I’m loving Punk and Lesnar together. It’s a great story. The two had a brutal fight on the outside and it began to look like Punk was going to get hold of Heyman but, alas, it wasn’t to be as Punk was hit with the F5 by Lesnar.

Afterwards, Heyman challenged Punk to a match.

Kofi Kingston came out in long tights and defeated Fandango. Way to cover up the only thing that made you interesting, Kofi.

Backstage an upset Stephanie spoke to Triple H saying that Vince went crazy at her because the makeover segment was a disaster. Triple H was incensed and accused Vince of being crazy. It’s Game Of Thrones you guys. Vince is Mad King Aaerys Targaryen and Triple H is Robert Baratheon ready to slay him. Triple H said Vince was out to ruin Summerslam and that he’s causing the ship to sink. I definitely think we’re going to see a new McMahon/Helmsley era with Stephanie and Triple H officially taking over control of the WWE. And you know what? I freaking love it.

The Real Americans also had a match against The Usos. Zeb did his usual speech but went for the cheap pop about the local football team. Seriously, if you’re not from that town, it’s hard to care. There’s plenty to talk about, Zeb. Go crazy!

The Real Americans picked up the win.

Dolph Ziggler v Big E Langston was the next match and these two had a score to settle. It appeared as if Dolph was getting the upperhand until Kaitlyn came to the ring. She ran at AJ who, for some reason, decided to mount her and the brawl eventually entered the ring.

This allowed distraction enough for Big E to beat down Dolph and pick up the win.

The Main Event was the 6 man tag and boy was it a doozy. The Shield were using their numbers game and ended up getting disqualified. Then, Randy Orton hit his RKO on both Cena and Daniel Bryan. It looked as if he was going to cash in but it never happened because The Shield intervened. However, Randy decided to let The Shield beat down his team mates as he walked away.

Heel Orton is so much fun. Maybe we’ll see a Viper cash in at Summerslam?

Until next time,

XO-TWB

TLC What I Think Will Happen

No Raw recap today. I know, I suck. But, whatever. So tonight I’m very excited because we have my favourite PPV… TLC! But, what will come of the matches? It wouldn’t be a PPV without my terrible, fangirly and never-correct predictions.

PRE-SHOW “Santa’s Helper” #1 Contender Battle Royal (For Divas Championship)

This stipulation is no doubt going to be ho ho horrible as WWE try to give pervs with a red velvet and fur fetish an early Christmas present. Up for a shot are Kaitlyn, Alicia Fox, Layla, Rosa Mendes, Natalya, Aksana, Cameron, Naomi and Tamina. I’m going to guess that Tamina either gets taken out pre-match or during by AJ, who has been left out of this title opportunity. Of course, that’d be a continuation of a Divas Storyline but who knows?

Not all these women have a shot. Out of the running for a shot are: Aksana, Naomi, Cameron and Rosa. Which leaves Kaitlyn, Layla, Alicia and Natalya. My heart tells me that I’d like to see Natalya win and finally get a shot against Eve. However, I think it’ll come down to Layla and Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn has already had a shot for the title and lost and Layla was a previous champion. I’m going to have a guess and say that Layla picks up the win.

Prediction: Layla

Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara vs Team Rhodes Scholars – Tables Match for #1 Contendership

Another #1 Contendership match. I’m not hating this one though as I love tables matches. TLC is one of my favourite PPVs. Seriously, I cannot describe how excited I am for this thing. Anyways,Team Rhodes Scholars were on track for a great feud with Team Hell No until Cody was sadly injured. This gives enough of a story for them to feud again for the Tag Team Titles. Also, it seems like WWE aren’t really invested in the Mysterio/Cara, they haven’t given them a “cool” team name. How about Team Wellness Violation?

Anyways, I’m going to say that Team Rhodes Scholars pick up the win.

Prediction: Team Rhodes Scholars

Antonio Cesaro v R Truth (US Title)

This match has no stipulation which just adds to my disinterest. Cesaro is impressive but his character is terrible. I don’t like it when they do “foreign” characters that spend all their time saying how they hate Americans and prefer their homelands. THEN GO HOME! It never makes any sense and R Truth has lost all momentum since his return.

I’m going to predict that R Truth gets the win. Mr McMahon seemed highly amused when he introduced him the other week on Raw and that gives him a strong thumbs up.

Prediction: R Truth

Kofi Kingston v Wade Barrett (Intercontinental Championship)

Another match with no stipulation. I’m not overly bored by that but I think it’s a crying shame. Kofi’s leaping ability always looks awesome in Ladder Matches and Wade’s brutality would be great if he had a chair or table in his arsenal.

This feud has sort of come out of nowhere, as the match was announced via the announce booth. Wade has been making strides since his return and I’d like to see Kofi lose just because of the super annoying “Wildcat” nickname WWE have decided to give him.

My guess is that Wade picks up the win.

Prediction: Wade Barrett

Big Show v Sheamus – Chairs Match (World Heavyweight Title)

This little feud has been going on longer than any of us expected but boy-oh-boy has it been good. Big Show’s new found anger has channelled well and Sheamus’ cheeky chappy Irish ways have really gotten under his skin. The chairs element is a fun one as both these men could destroy the other.

But who will win? That’s a tough one for me because it’s a hard one to predict. You have to wonder if the Money In The Bank Match between Cena and Ziggler will somehow tie into this. How great would it be if Dolph cashed in his contract before his match with Cena?

More on that later, but I’m going to say that Big Show picks up the win.

Prediction: Big Show

John Cena v Dolph Ziggler (Money In The Bank Ladder Match)

This match is shady to me and I hate that Ziggler’s contract is up for grabs yet again. It shouldn’t be allowed to be at risk like a title is. Once you win it, that’s your guaranteed opportunity. It weakens one of my favourite stipulations.

Anyways, I’m going to go crazy and predict that this match doesn’t go to plan. I think that Ziggler will cash in the briefcase before his match with Cena thus making the match slightly void. Vickie Guerrero will then come out and gloat only to have Mr McMahon come out and force Vickie to make Dolph defend his newly earned title in a Ladders Match.

I think then The Shield will get involved and fight the injustice, taking Cena down and allowing Ziggler to pick up the win.

If this idea doesn’t work, I’m going to say that Ziggler wins anyway.

Prediction: Ziggler

Team Hell No & Ryback vs The Shield – TLC Match

I have been often derogatory about Ryback but there’s no denying the guy has gotten popular. Feed Me More chants have taken over the WWE and I am not afraid to admit I was wrong. I’m no fan of Ryback but I hate The Shield more than him, so I’m Team Hell & ‘Back (you likey?) for this one.

CM Punk’s injury shocked everyone but the champ looks to be OK and won’t be out for too long. Obviously, there are some people that say Punk is faking and the whole thing is a work. It’d be a great twist to have CM Punk run down and screw over Ryback only to have, say, The Rock come down and beat on him.

I don’t think that’ll happen.

What I do think though is that The Shield will be taken out and Team Hell & ‘Back will pick up the win.

Prediction: Team Hell No and Ryback

So, that’s what I think.

What do YOU think?

Let me know.

XO-TWB

I Will Survive…or…Series…

So tonight, Survivor Series is finally upon us. But who will win what and how? It’s time for my monthly how-wrong-can-I-be predictions!

Pre Show: 3MB v Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd

First of all, WWE.com is calling the Gabriel/Kidd pairing “International Airstrike”. Considering the current situation in the Middle East, WWE are probably best steering away from that little moniker. So who might win? Well, firstly it depends on which two men from 3MB will wrestle. Either way, I’m going to take a punt and predict that Gabriel and Kidd might just clinch it.

Prediction: Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd

Eve vs Kaitlyn (Divas Championship)

This one is interesting as Kaitlyn was meant to get a shot a few months back and was attacked by a mysterious woman in a blonde wig. Kaitlyn assumed that the culprit was Eve. That all seems logical but the story was never truly resolved. Also, with Kelly Kelly gone, WWE are looking at Eve as their face of the WWE on the Divas side of things. After her win on Stars Earn Stripes, I have a feeling that Eve is going to turn face sometime soon.

So, my prediction? I think that Layla will turn on her friend Kaitlyn and ruin the match for her allowing Eve to retain.

Prediction: Eve

Antonio Cessaro v R Truth (US Title)

I must admit, I don’t care for either men in this contest and their feud has bored me rather so I’m going to take a quick guess and say that R Truth becomes the new champion.

Prediction: R Truth

Team Foley v Team Ziggler

The big question in this match is who will replace Cody Rhodes. For those who don’t know, my future husband Cody was victim to a nasty bump when a flip from Kane went awry causing him to hurt his shoulder and suffer a concussion. WWE are yet to name a replacement for Cody and are still advertising him as participating on their official website. Many names have been passed around for who might just replace Cody…

Lord Tensai: this is a possibility. He’s a heel, he’s a beast and he’s someone nobody really cares about. Throw him in, throw him out with no consequence to story or the match.
Likelihood: 8/10

Ted DiBiase Jr: this could be a great chance for Ted to finally get back onto main TV and replacing his former on-screen partner would be fitting but it’d mean having to help out the bad guys!
Likelihood: 6/10

Fandango: the man we’ve all seen trailed on Raw. Originally named Fandangoo, Johnny Curtis’ new gimmick may just may an early debut. It’d be a perfect set up allowing Fandango to utter his catchphrase “mind if I cut in?” and enter the match. However, I’m sure WWE have plans for when they wanted him to debut and may not be up for changing it so late in the game.
Likelihood: 5/10

Jack Swagger: Swags recently took an on-screen break from WWE and hasn’t been seen/heard from recently. It’d be the perfect opportunity to return to the big leagues.
Likelihood: 4/10

Brad Maddox: After failing to win his  contract in a match against Ryback on Raw, Brad Maddox might still try to cling to hope. He’s been lighting up Twitter with claims that he’s only second to CM Punk when it comes to length of time in-ring with Ryback and has recently declared himself “2^nd best in the world”. Could Maddox win over Ziggler and get a place on the team? It’s an outside possibility that I’m more than willing to entertain!
Likelihood: 3/10

Obviously, WWE may announce the replacement before the PPV and make me look like a complete douchenozzle in the process.

In terms of the actual match, it’s a tough one to call and I believe it could go either way. But there’s obviously a story issue here. Foley’s beef was with Punk and Ziggler was shoe-horned into captaincy with very little interaction with Foley. However, both men have previously clashed so it’s not completely out of the realm of believability. It may, however, be quite fitting that Ziggler is filling Punk’s spot. Maybe Dolph will do it again…

My prediction is that Team Foley will pick up the win.

Prediction: Team Foley

Big Show v Sheamus (World Heavyweight Championship)

Throwing William Regal into the mix was certainly interesting and one has to wonder if that strand has concluded or not. Or could Regal play a part in the match? I doubt it but that’d be cool, right?

Big Show hasn’t held the title very long and Sheamus has just come off a mammoth run. I don’t think there would be much point in Sheamus winning the title back so soon but, it is WWE so who knows? I’m going to err on the side of caution and predict that Show retains… but could there be a surprise around the corner. Read on…

Prediction: Big Show

CM Punk v Ryback v John Cena (WWE Title)

So, I alluded to it earlier. I think that there will be an interesting Survivor Series twist here. But what could it be? Hear me out.

Dolph and Cena have been feuding for a long time now and many people have wondered if it’s all just pointless. But what if it isn’t? What if it’s leading to the start of a whole new change in WWE.

It’s been no secret that the roster divide is now over so therefore the need for two champions is over. With rumours of a huge roster cull floating around the Internet, I wonder if it’s actually got good grounds. Dolph Ziggler is clearly the future of WWE. He’s the leader of the pack when it comes to future stars and WWE Fans have been itching for Ziggler to get a big push. Cena is WWE’s present. He’s at the top of the ladder so wouldn’t it be fitting for the present and the future to collide?

I believe that Dolph Ziggler will cash in his Money In The Bank contract to win the World Heavyweight Championship at Survivor Series. I then think John Cena will win the WWE Title. They will continue to feud on Raw with Ziggler having eyes on the title. This leads the way, perhaps via Vickie Guerrero, for a unification of the titles. Winner takes all. The return of an undisputed champion who will defend their belt on both brands.

It’s a long shot but I think it’d be awesome.

Prediction: John Cena.

Let me know your thoughts and predictions. Have I gone too far? Am I on to something? Let me know!

Ryback To The Future

This week’s Raw was another interesting one as we head into Survivor Series. But with Brad Maddox’s potential contract on the line, would he be able to secure the $1 million deal? And what further evidence could Vickie have on AJ Lee and John Cena? Read on…

So Raw started as it did last week with a strange Dateline NBC-style voice over. This voice over acts a preview for the show coming up and well, it’s not needed. It just sounds dumb.

Anyways, first up was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler. This is a match I always look forward to because Randy has a habit for really grabbing on guys trunks and it’s super hot. The match wasn’t too bad and ended in a Dolph Ziggler win after Alberto Del Rio, flanked by Ricardo Rodriguez, distracted Orton. After the match, Ziggler, Del Rio and Rodriguez all descended on Orton and beat him down. Orton was then saved by Kofi Kingston.

Never missing the opportunity to make a tag match, Teddy Long came out in his Keenan Thompson “what’s up with that” suit and made a tag match. Ziggler and Del Rio v Orton and Kingston. It was a good tag match which ended in Del Rio picking up the win after a sick kick to Kingston after Rodriguez interrupted.

Afterwards, Dolph stuck around. Now glistening with sweat and baby oil like Edward Cullen in the light, Dolph was with Vickie Guerrero. Vickie is still chomping at the bit about the whole AJ/Cena affair and it’s all getting tiresome. I love Cena. I love AJ. I love Dolph and I love Vickie. You’d think I love this. I just don’t. Especially because it’s steeped in the irony of Vickie’s inappropriate cougar/cub relationship with Dolph.

A furious AJ came to the ring and said things needed to stop and that Vickie was throwing her “considerable weight” around. A fat joke? Really? Anyways, Vickie was furious and then played some voicemail messages where AJ pretty much confesses her feelings for John. When did Vickie start working for News International? AJ said that they were false but Vickie and Dolph were having none of it and Dolph asked AJ if she found the fact that John’s ignoring her more dissatisfying and disappointing than actually sleeping with him. With that, Cena came down and AJ held him back only to slap Ziggler herself with Cena throwing in a punch for good measure.

I don’t know where this is leading to but I’ll be glad when it’s over. Backstage AJ and Cena chatted and after Cena made a “it’s never gonna happen” comment, AJ made him revise it. Could there be a Cena/AJ romance on the cards?

The next match was William Regal v The Big Show. Regal was looking for revenge after Big Show stormed into a pub and beat down he and Sheamus. FYI, that place looked nothing like a pub. Big Show really took it to Regal and it was a real nothing-held-back fight. Whilst I miss Regal on my TV, I don’t want to see the old guy get hurt and, by the looks on his chest after the match, I think that’s a likely outcome if Regal had a more full-time role. Big Show got the win and went to cause more damage with a WMD but, luckily, Sheamus saved the day.

Kaitlyn vs Layla was our next match with the two buxom beauties going head-to-head for the #1 Contender Position at Survivor Series. I’m not going to rant about the state of the divas division but Kaitlyn and Layla are best friends and they’re fighting. No build up, no emotion and no connection. Kaitlyn picked up the win and she and Eve stared each other down afterwards.

Now, I’m about to get on my soapbox. I love WWE. I am never shocked and, as you can tell from this blog, nothing really bothers me. However, WWE’s decision to air real life footage of Jerry Lawler receiving CPR and defibrillation after suffering a heart attack was despicable. Now, a lot of people have defended it saying that Lawler OK’d it and such but even so, it was not appropriate. I’m not a person who thinks we should bring back Attitude Era and blood so I can’t be accused of being a hypocrite. But a man lay there, in the back of an ambulance, fighting for his life and WWE chose to send a camera man? I find that disrespectful. I like when WWE blurs reality and fiction, I think it keeps people on the edge but this was too much. Now, as an adult, it wasn’t too traumatising. I just felt it was inappropriate. But for a PG show?

Now, what I didn’t have a problem with is what happened next. Jerry Lawler came out and gave a big speech about surviving and it was truly emotional to see everyone on their feet. This then cued CM Punk to come out. What then unfolded was CM Punk and Heyman berating Lawler, saying that Punk caused his heart attack and then Heyman and Punk orchestrated a fake heart attack with Punk throwing up the ‘X’ and such. That didn’t bother me because Punk is a fictional character and it’s not the first time WWE have used Lawler’s personal life as part of the show.

Mick Foley then came to the ring to yell at Punk. The Foley/Punk feud now makes no real sense considering the fact that Punk is out of the Survivor Series gambit but I will be covering that in my Survivor Series Predictions later. Foley got real mad at Punk and said the world doesn’t revolve around him after Punk said everyone else was worthless. It was good stuff.

Backstage, a camera man was filming Brad Maddox’s ass for some YouTube show. I approve.

Then came the clusterfuck segment of the night with what could only be described as a Mid-Card Mash-Up. The next match was an 8… yes, 8, man tag match. It was Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd vs The Prime Time Players, Primo & Epico. The match wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great nor was it good enough to be on Raw. Each man was trying to get a decent amount of time but it ended up being too many tags happening too quick. It was like an orgy in the dark. Bodies everywhere, people reaching out not sure who they’re going to touch next. Justin Gabriel picked up the win after a Rey Mysterio assist.

Backstage, The Miz jockeyed for a position in the WWE Raw Active vote for who would fill the remaining Team Foley position. Ziggler argued that Miz was a quitter and wasn’t fit for any team. Foley then challenged Ziggler to offer up two members of his team to face two members of his. Ziggler decided on Team Rhodes Scholars and Foley decided on Kane and the viewer’s choice. He then told Ziggler that “Amy Schumer says hi”. For those who don’t know, Amy Schumer is a fabulous comedian and former girlfriend of Ziggler’s. And, in her defence, she played along on Twitter after being challenged by Vickie Guerrero.

https://twitter.com/amyschumer/status/268203921800060928

For those who haven’t heard/seen any of Amy’s comedy, I recommend her album Cutting.

Then we had R Truth v Lord Tensai. I can’t even. Just. No. If you care, Truth won but the real loser here was the WWE Universe, am I right?

Then came the moment we were all waiting for and by “we” I mean, me and my penis. Brad Maddox’s in-ring debut. Maddox faced Ryback in order to win himself a $1 Million contract at WWE. So, would Maddox get to live his dream of being a superstar? Would weeks of discussion, scandal and promo work be the kick star to a fresh and bright career for Maddox? No. The answer is no because WWE sucks and there is no God. Ryback literally destroyed Maddox and bought the rogue ref’s storyline to a close with a thud. I have no idea why WWE chose to not give Maddox a contract, maybe he just wasn’t ready yet but what really was the point in Maddox’s involvement. In bringing back Vince McMahon? This reeks to me of creative going somewhere but it all changing last minute. But hey, who knows, Maddox could still turn up… but more on that in my Survivor Series predictions.

David Otunga v Sheamus was the next offering and Sheamus picked up an easy win. However, Big Show turned up on the titantron to ruin Sheamus’ celebrations. Now, Big Show had Regal and was threatening to punch him. So Sheamus, rather than running backstage, stood and watched. AFTER Show punched Regal, THEN Sheamus ran backstage. What… a bad friend.

A Josh Matthews updated announced that Regal had a concussion and a potential broken jaw.

Then came the Team Foley v Team Ziggler match. Of sorts. Team Rhodes Scholars went up against Kane and his partner… The Miz! But Kane had other problems on his mind as, before coming to the ring, Daniel Bryan expressed his unhappiness of his tag team boo sharing the ring with another man. Kane tried to shake it off but a jealous Bryan decided to follow Miz to the ring.

The tag match was pretty good and Miz played his face role well right off the bat. I don’t love it but I’m making do. After Miz capitalised using Bryan as a human shield, Kane hit the chokeslam for the win.

Then we had John Cena v CM Punk. It was a PPV worthy bout, as always and it’s a shame to see these two giving away this match on Raw but, hey, who am I to complain? Paul Heyman tried to interfere where possible but a cowardly Punk was thwarted by Ryback who sauntered down to the ring which allowed Cena to hit the AA for the win. Afterwards, all 3 men stared at the prize… the WWE Championship.

So, what might happen on Sunday? Look out for my predictions.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Time To Get Survivor Serious

This week’s Raw was coming from my home country of the UK and boy what a show! The Birmingham crowd were on fire, butts were bubblier than ever and I have to say, it’s been one of the strongest UK editions of the show I’ve seen in a while. But what went down? Read on, my loves!

Raw opened up with an angry Miz telling Paul Heyman that CM Punk is a coward. Heyman told Miz that he needed to get onboard along with the rest of the team. Miz, however, wasn’t having any of it and abruptly quit Team Punk.

The first match of the night was 6-man tag action with Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara and R Truth teaming up against The Prime Time Players and Antonio Cessaro. Admittedly, it was more of a 4 against 3 match because I’m pretty sure Rey’s stomach counts for a 4^th person. Those black latex shirts aren’t fooling anyone, Rey.

It was a so-so match with your usual fair which resulted in R Truth picking up the win.

Then it was time for Vickie Guerrero to have her say. For those who have been hiding in a hole (I know a few holes I wouldn’t mind hiding in), Vickie is currently the Raw Managing Supervisor which is WWE’s way of trying to get around the fact the GM role never stays filled for long. Vickie believes that AJ Lee and John Cena were having an affair whilst AJ was General Manager. Now, I don’t understand the issue here because both AJ and John are unmarried and they can do what and whoever they want. Vickie, however, had more footage.

Cena came to the ring to see exactly what the incriminating evidence was and this time it was juicier. It involved towels and sneaking around. It was like the entire segment was produced by Jerry Sandusky. Cena, however, maintained his plea of innocence saying that all the evidence was circumstantial. Vickie disagreed and wanted to hear AJ’s side of the story. AJ, however, wasn’t willing to come to the ring as she’d want to punch Vickie in the face and well, if she does that then she’s fired and said she wouldn’t be able to do what she loves to do. Dolph Ziggler then turned up and told AJ we all know what she loves to do. Ziggler is so Mean Girls. I love it. With that Cena darted out the ring and Vickie screeched with joy.

Backstage, Paul Heyman tried to convince Wade Barrett to join Team Punk at Survivor Series. Whilst initially hesitant, Barrett eventually agreed.

The next match was Daniel Bryan v Cody Rhodes. The match was actually pretty good but a distraction from Kane and Damien Sandow allowed Cody to pick up the win. Afterwards, Cody took to the mic to lisp his way through some gloating. He also said that his partner Damien Sandow could easily beat Kane and with that we had an impromptu Kane v Damien Sandow match!

Kane and Sandow really went at it but Bryan and Rhodes were proving to be distracting. After Cody ran into the ring to avoid a Daniel Bryan beatdown, the referee expelled both of them from ringside. This allowed Kane to hit Sandow with a chokeslam for the win.

It was then time for Brad Maddox to explain himself. I strongly believed he should’ve come out butt naked and shook that cute little tush and all would be forgiven. Alas, it wasn’t to be but Maddox’s ample glutes were well displayed in the trousers he was wearing. Anyway, back to the action as Maddox explained his reasons for interfering in the Punk v Ryback WWE Championship Match. Maddox said that he’d be in FCW for a long time and was told that he wouldn’t make it. He believes it’s because he’s not tall or fast enough. That he doesn’t fit in. It was your usual fodder but the guy looked totally cute the entire time so, take a look.

After the speech, Mr McMahon came out and offered Maddox a contract if he’s able to beat Ryback on next week’s Raw.

Once Maddox had left the ring, Mr McMahon bought out Vickie Guerrero. He said that it seemed odd to not have Punk defend his title at Survivor Series. After trying to get Dolph the gig, Vickie eventually gave in and announced Ryback as the opponent. But Mr McMahon didn’t want it to end there, he said it should be a triple threat match but who should the opponent be? Ah yes, John Cena. Vickie reluctantly agreed and the match was made. And that’s how WWE works folks. Other people make decisions and then Vince steps in and forces them to change their mind.

Sheamus took on The Miz in the next match and I was pleasantly surprised. First of all, The Big Show was on commentary and I have to say he was a delight. His anger at Michael Cole was brilliant. And the match? It was great! The Miz and Sheamus really pulled out the stops and it was a genuine nail biter. Also, Miz wore blue. Bitch looks good in blue.

Backstage, Dolph Ziggler was pacing outside Mr McMahon’s office. Vickie exited and had great news, now that Punk was no longer team captain, Dolph will take the helm. So it’ll now be Team Foley v Team Ziggler. CM Punk, however, was not best pleased and expressed his displeasure to Vickie. She then announced that Ziggler and Punk would team up to face Ryback and Cena!

Then it looked like we were getting a promo for a new diva as Sex & The City-esque music played and bright colours flashed. Turns out it’s for a new Superstar by the name of Fandangoo. Rumour has it Fandangoo will be Johnny Curtis’ new gimmick. However, it seems like WWE had a few spelling issues because on Smackdown, they dropped one of the ‘O’s. Homo they didn’t.

Now, usually when WWE does UK shows there’s some sort of UK segment. Someone drinking tea or someone dressed as The Queen. But no. None of that. The most British thing was Sheamus and William Regal backstage deciding to go for a pint. Tip of me ‘at for that guv’nor.

Diva action was up next as Layla and Kaitlyn teamed up against Eve and Aksana. I have to say that these women (let’s be honest, minus Aksana) are very good in the ring. Eve’s clearly sprucing up her moves and Layla’s new high-risk move set works like a dream. It even helped she and Kaitlyn pick up the win.

Backstage once more where Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez discussed the fact that ADR wasn’t team captain. Then he bumped into Rosa Mendes. The two seemed to have chemistry so watch out for a storyline there.

ADR’s opponent for the night would be Kofi Kingston. Kingston was seemingly set to lose as ADR put on a beat down. However, Randy Orton’s music hit and caused a distraction which allowed Kofi to roll ADR up for the win. After the match, ADR ran into an RKO by Orton. Orton’s face, however, seems to have been ran into by too much botox. His face is so puffed up. Maybe he had an allergic reaction to some fake tan. Or y’know. Pills again.

More tag action in the next match which was Primo and Epico Fail vs Zack Ryder and Santino. Not worth discussing really. Ryder and Santino won.

Wade Barrett then had a match against Brodus Clay. A weird pairing but they had to give Barrett a match since he was on home turf. The crowd were freakin’ electric as they watched Barrett pick up the inevitable win.

3 man band member Heath Slater then went up against one of the Usos. I can’t even. This three hour thing is really starting to not work out, you guys.

Then it was main event time and boy was it a doozy. Dolph and Punk really lay into Cena for the duration of the match and Dolph hitting elbow drop after elbow drop was particularly brutal. Ryback, meanwhile, was foaming at the mouth to be let into the match up. He soon got his way and cleared house and picked up the win.

Afterwards, he and Cena stared each other down.

I’m still not buying into Ryback as a character with longevity but good luck to the guy.

Until next time,

XO-TWB

Refereeasy On The Eyes

This week’s Raw certainly raised a few questions about what direction WWE is going in and I can’t say I hate it. But what exactly happened this week? Read on, Mon Cherie.

Raw opened this week with CM Punk and blowhard Paul Heyman who acted as Punk’s mouthpiece yet again. Heyman explained that he and Punk were holding Raw hostage, due to the injustice of the previous week when CM Punk lost against John Cena despite having his foot on the rope. To smooth this injustice, Heyman called out Referee Brad Maddox to the ring to apologies and resign.

Maddox agreed and came to the ring. Side note, how hot is Maddox? He’s actually a wrestler whose real name is Brent Wellington and he was previously part of FCW (or NXT as it’s now known). Anyways, he’s got a banging ass which looks even better in tights.

Courtesy of Just Us Boys Forum

Moving on, Maddox did apologise saying he genuinely didn’t see what happened but he refused to resign. He then explained that he was actually called upon last minute by AJ Lee, the GM, as a replacement. For those who aren’t in the know, the NFL (American Football) recently had a referee crisis in which their referees went on strike. In response, NFL drafted in some “replacement referees” who weren’t so good thus creating lots of controversy and WWE decided to use it for leverage.

So, Punk then used to opportunity to berate the GM causing her to come out and defend herself. Maddox left the ring and AJ faced Heyman and Punk. Punk then decided he’d mock AJ and her previous breakdown in which she proposed to him because nobody had ever really been nice to her. This resulted in Paul Heyman proposing to AJ, promising they’d become a power couple akin to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. AJ decided to slap him instead.

Backstage, Sexy Ref apologised to AJ for what happened. She got all weird and said she’d fire him if it ever happened again. Bitch per-lease.

The first match of the night was Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston. Ziggler was accompanied by Vickie as always and Kofi was accompanied by tag team partner R Truth and his imaginary friend Little Jimmy. Vickie decided to mock Little Jimmy whilst he was sat down, enraging Truth who confronted her. In all fairness, Jimmy was just having a nice drink and some popcorn. Anyways, things got heated, R Truth threw water at Vickie and both were ejected from ringside.

The match got underway and I have to say it was brilliant. JR was right; it turned very quickly into a main event match up with lots of finish fake outs and just generally cool moves. Ultimately, it was Dolph who would pick up the win over Kofi.

It was then announced that John Cena has had surgery on his elbow and would discuss his future.

We then had another Daniel Bryan/Kane/Doctor Shelby Anger Management session. These have been a real highlight and I implore you to check it out.

Match two was the Prime Time Players v Zack Ryder and Santino Morella. WWE really does seem to be giving more light to Tag Teams but I am nervous about the number of tag team matches on WWE programming over singles. I understand it’s a way of displaying as much talent as possible but it can get a little predictable. Anyways, it was a good match and the Prime Time Players are getting better with each bout. They picked up the win.

Then out came Mick Foley. Honestly, I don’t want to recap it. His speech to Punk about being a legend and not a statistic was awesome.

WATCH!

Then it was The Miz v Ryback. Here’s where I eat humble pie. I argued that Ryback wouldn’t last very long and that he sucks. I stand by the sucks comment but it’s obvious the crowd love him for some reason. Maybe it’s to do with his resemblance to loveable funnyman Will Sasso. Who knows. And, actually, his match against The Miz wasn’t terrible. The Miz got a few shots in. The show, however, was stolen by a crazed fan who ran into the ring and was immediately tackled. I thought it was just some schtick but clearly it wasn’t. Maybe it was one of the jobbers Ryback destroyed? Both men were extremely professional and carried on, with Ryback picking up the win.

Then we had more anger management.

Backstage, in AJ’s office, she wanted to make it clear to all referees including Sexy Ref that it should be business as normal and they should go out there and do what they do best. After the referees left and I stopped thinking about what I’d like to do to Maddox, Alberto Del Rio came in flunked by David Otunga and Ricardo Rodriguez. The men weren’t happy and AJ knew saying they deserved some sort of vengeance and would all team up against Sheamus, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara.

Then the Wade Barrett onslaught continued with a fantastic win over Tyson Kidd.

Michael Cole then took to the ring to interview Jerry Lawler. WWE handled the episode of Raw where Jerry had the heart attack really well but, once they realised Lawler was alive and kicking, they’re milking that cash cow until it’s dry. I think trying to profit from a heart attack is terrible but it’s not surprising. Not only did they trail Lawler’s interview like it was the rising of Christ but now they’re selling a Long Live The King t-shirt. Mamma mia. Jerry does look good though. Keep well, King.

Then it was time for 6 man tag action. Botchamania favourites Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up with Sheamus to face ADR, Otunga and Ricardo. The match was what you’d expect but it got the point across and didn’t make me want to rip my own eyeballs out too much. Sin Cara picked up the win with a Sheamus assist and then Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Otunga. And balance is restored.

Then we got another instalment off Diner Anger Management.

After that, it was time for Daniel Bryan and Kane to come out and discover what their tag team name would be. The suggestions were generally horrible and they were all prefixed by the word “team” which is clearly WWE’s way of jumping onto the Twilight Team Edward/Jacob/Bella nonsense. Anyways, the Universe plumbed for Team Hell No but, before they could celebrate, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow jumped in to attack them.

Cody then took to the mic and announced they would be known as Team Rhodes Scholars. It seems a little mean to give a guy with a lisp that many s’s but he managed. I guess this “team” thing is going to stick. Might cause confusion come Survivor Series.

After that  got some Divas Tag Action with Layla and Alicia Fox facing Beth Phoenix and Eve. It was actually a good match and you can’t fault Eve’s wrestling. I am surprised that she can fall on her face without those teeth getting stuck in the mat though.

After Eve stole a win from Beth, Kaitlyn came out and said she remembers that the person who attacked her at Night Of Champions was blonde. Eve immediately pinned it on Beth and took her out. But who could it be (note: definitely not Kelly Kelly… bye, bitch, btw)? Either way, it’s nice to see the Divas getting a real storyline. Nothing like a good whodunit.

Funkasaurus Brodus Clay went against Lord Tensai next. It was a boring match until Big Show came out and knocked both men out. I don’t know if it was even for anything other than to break up what was a very dull bout.

Then it was time for Cena to face the public. He came out and did his usual schtick of saying he’s had a shit week, that he’s not sure if he can go on. Then he, as always, contradicted himself, and said that he’d make sure he was ready to face Punk at Hell In A Cell. I’m actually excited for that match and I love Cena but I think the guy should take a break. He’s just had surgery. I fear he’ll end up doing himself way too much damage.

Punk then came out and berated him and told Cena to get out of his ring. Punk and Heyman gave him to the count of three but, as Punk turned, Cena grabbed a steel pipe from his shorts (giggle) and beat on Punk with it.

Backstage, Punk sloped back still in pain from the attack. There, he noticed Mick Foley and decided to beat him up. Punk walked away but attempted to go back but he was stopped in his tracks by a terrifying sight… Ryback. Hahaha, I know right? Anyways, Punk walked away.

So what does this mean? Well, WWE are focussing more on Tag Teams and Divas. The Superheavyweights are probably going to have a superheavyweight feud and Ryback is probably going to be pushed to the main event. I mostly don’t hate it. Mostly.

Until next time,

XO-WB

Cena’s NOC The Champ

Hey ya’ll!

So, Night Of Champions  was actually pretty interesting. I can’t say I hated it. But, what exactly went down and how did I do with my predictions? Read on.

The show opened up with the announcement that JBL will be the guest commentator for the night, replacing Jerry Lawler who is recovering from a heart attack. It was nice to see JBL, I like the guy.

The first match was the Fatal Fourway for the Intercontinental Championship. It was actually a good match, in the end. That’s right, in the end. You see, you come to expect that when Sin Cara wrestles there’s going to be a few fuck-ups but now Rey Mysterio has joined that exclusive club. Put both Sin Cara and Rey in a ring together? Botchamania heaven.

However, I can’t deny that Sin Cara actually helped play part in a fantastic finish. It was hard to make that whole thing look interesting and it’s hard to keep people captivated in a match with so many men. In all fairness, the camera operator tried with several up-close shots of Cody’s ass (thank you) but the finish was great. Sin Cara blinded Miz using a mask, Cody went to hit the finish but Miz bumped into him and out of instinct, hit his finisher for the win.

Winner: The Miz
My Prediction: Cody Rhodes
Score: 0 – 1

Backstage, the Prime Time Players were telling Eve how vital it was that they were seen on TV. Before Eve could, no doubt, laugh in their faces, she was interrupted with an emergency. Eve ran over to the scene to discover a hurt Kaitlyn grabbing her ankle. Apparently, someone with their face covered attacked her. I began to wonder if it was The Miz but I doubt that. Either way, it was clear that Kaitlyn wouldn’t be wrestling. But who would…?

Then it was Tag Team Title Time as Kofi Kingston and R Truth faced the Anger Management Duo of Kane and Daniel Bryan. I was looking forward to this match and I wasn’t disappointed. Bryan and Kane played the whole thing perfectly and having them team up was certainly a stroke of genius. No doubt they’re going to have their inevitable break-up and feud but I really hope this little team sticks around for a while.

Kane and Bryan got into a bit of a war which resulted in an angry Bryan shoving Kane off the turnbuckle, only for him to land on Kofi for the win. The two men then angrily started arguing about which one of them was most deserving, with both declaring “I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS”. Yeah, I’ll have that t-shirt in an XL please.

Winners: Daniel Bryan & Kane
My Prediction: Daniel Bryan & Kane
Score: 1-1

Backstage, Eve updated Booker T on the Kaitlyn situation. Teddy reminded Booker that there needs to be a championship match as it was Night Of Champions. Then I got confused because Eve was either doing her usual terrible acting or she was playing her part great. “Oh… I didn’t realise that… but no other diva has earned a shot at the title” she sighed. Only for Booker T to give it to Eve leaving Teddy Long to give us his something-ain’t-right-playa face.

The next match was for the US Title and I predicted this all wrong. So, in terms of the Battle Royal:

Winner: Zack Ryder
My Prediction: Ryback
Score: 1-2

I didn’t realise either that there would be a match after. Ryder managed to pick up the Battle Royal win and went head to head against Cessaro who seemed to have some sort of vendetta against Ryder’s tights. Hey, I’m not complaining. With one asscheek exposed, Ryder did his best but the evil temptress Aksana interfered and cost Ryder the win.

Winner: Antonio Cessaro
My Prediction: N/A
Score: Still 1-2 as I’m not counting it. Shut up.

Backstage, an annoyed Otunga and Alberto Del Rio yell at Ricardo Rodriguez. But why? Because Ricardo took off his neck brace! THEY’VE BEEN FAKING IT ALL ALONG! WHO COULD’VE GUESSED?! Oh… everyone. Right. OK.

Dolph Ziggler v Randy Orton was next. It was a match I was looking forward to because Randy Orton has a history of making his matches with Dolph extremely homo-erotic and this one didn’t disappoint. There was a moment when Randy just kept grabbing at Dolph. It was bliss. Anyways, it was a really good match and that’s not something I like saying when it comes to Randy Orton. The two did seem evenly match and it’s clear to see these guys have in-ring chemistry.

Can I also say how awesome was JBL’s feminist rant about Vickie Guerrero?! It came out of nowhere but it’s just another reason JBL is awesome.

I’d actually go ahead and say that Orton/Ziggler matches are just as good as Orton/Cena matches. I actually wouldn’t mind these two going at it again. Either way, Ziggler tried but it wasn’t to be as Orton hit an awesome RKO in mid-air.

Winner: Randy Orton
My Prediction: Randy Orton
Score: 2-2

Eve went against Layla for the Divas Championship in our next match. It was a pretty good match and I can see why Eve was destined for the shot over Kaitlyn. It looked like Eve was going to get an easy cover but she hit her finisher for the win instead.

I actually think Eve being evil is a red herring. I think that we’ll discover Layla is the secret attacker.

Winner: Eve
My Prediction: Layla
Score: 2-3

In the parking lot, Kane and Bryan angrily yell at each other about who is the tag team champions. Doctor Shelby looks set to explode but is interrupted by AJ instead who goes crazy. She says she went to great expense to see them make a breakthrough but they aren’t happy for each other. Doctor Shelby gets Daniel Bryan to congratulate Kane but Kane disappears instead. Bryan goes on a rant only to be interrupted by Kane who throws ice water over the three of them and makes the most awesome declaration ever… and well, it’s been remixed.

Del Rio v Sheamus was up next and well, the thing we could all have predicted (yet, I never) happened. Booker T came out to announce that the Brogue kick would be reinstated. Sheamus then went to kick ADR but hit Otunga instead.

The match wasn’t actually too bad and Del Rio managed to pull out a few cool tricks. Ultimately, it wasn’t to be for Del Rio and Sheamus hit his brogue kick for the win.

Winner: Sheamus
My Prediction: Del Rio/Dolph Ziggler
Score: 2-4

The main event was CM Punk v John Cena. Before the match got underway, Paul Heyman wanted to say a few things. He said that he was simply there to view history because CM Punk would be in his 302^nd day as WWE Champion. He said the entire thing was about respect. I’m starting to worry that respect is becoming the new “destiny”. I’m bored already.

The match eventually got underway and it was a doozy. I really did enjoy it and these two certainly know how to please a crowd. But, it looked like Cena had picked up the win with a fantastic German Suplex from the turnbuckle. However, after celebrating with soldiers and enjoying the cheers of his home crowd, the referee announced that both men’s shoulders were down. Both men lost so CM Punk retained.

Winner: CM Punk
My Prediction: CM Punk
Score: 3-4

Overall, I didn’t do too badly. I’m usually way, way, way off the mark. This time I was just way, way off the mark.

Until next time,

XO-WB

Don’t Knock My NOC Predictions

Well, tonight sees us head into Night Of Champions where nearly all the belts go on the line. So,  what might be in stall for NOC? Here at Wrestlebitch, there’s a long history of getting these horribly wrong so do enjoy and let me know your picks!

Pre-show Battle Royal for US Title #1 Contender

So who will become the #1 contender for the US Title? It’s hard to pick. We could see Cessaro continue to face Santino or someone else completely. I’m going to go for someone else completely in the vague hope that WWE have realised how little the belt now matters and wish to change that. The belt hasn’t mattered since Ziggler dropped it to Ryder.

Anyways, nobody has been announced but I’m going to take a guess and say that Ryback will become the #1 contender.

Layla v Kaitlyn for Divas Title

This is an interesting one because both of these women are friends. They don’t hate each other. Most of the focus has actually been on Eve. Which is why I’m going to say that Layla will retain the title, Eve will come in to “congratulate” her and then beat on her.

The two will then feud for the title.

Kofi Kingston & R Truth v Kane & Daniel Bryan for the Tag Team Titles

I’ve loved, loved, loved this. I’ve loved the whole Anger Management thing. It’s hilarious. Anyways, I think that Kane & Daniel Bryan will indeed win and continue their dysfunctional partnership for a while.

 

 Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler

I’m looking forward to this match only because Randy seems to get really handsy with Dolph’s tights which just reveals an entire world of sexy. I’m not going to lie, I usually hate Orton matches but these two have actually had quite the thing going. It’s clear that Randy hates the up and comer and it’ll be interesting to see where it goes.

I’m going to go ahead and say that Randy Orton will win. Dolph has Money In The Bank and Randy needs the win more.

Sheamus v Alberto Del Rio for World Heavyweight Championship

This has also been an interesting one as the two have gone back-and-forth. Ignoring the awful vignettes that have come with it, it hasn’t been bad. The banning of the Brogue kick has really added something to the mix.

I think that Alberto Del Rio will win the title in some sort of suspicious manner. Only for Sheamus to hit the brogue kick. Dolph Ziggler will then run in, cash in, and become the new World Heavyweight Champion.

The Miz v Cody Rhodes v Sin Cara v Rey Mysterio for Intercontinental Championship

I can’t say I’ve been hating this either. It’ll be interesting to see how Sin Cara and Mysterio work together as Rhodes has already made it clear he’ll take out anyone to win the title. It’s hard to guess this one because there are merits in any of these men winning. The Miz also hasn’t had chance to keep the title very long but WWE has never been afraid on beating on Miz.

My prediction is that Cody Rhodes will pick up the win.

CM Punk v John Cena for WWE Title

The Punk/Cena storyline has been odd and a little frayed. The addition of Paul Heyman is even odder. I just don’t think that this whole thing is going to come to a natural end and I think that Heyman will try to usher in a new revolution.

With that in mind, I predict that CM Punk will retain yet again but I think there’ll be some sort of ECW/Paul Heyman Guys invasion. WWE hasn’t done an invasion since Nexus and they do love themselves an invasion.

So that’s what I think.

What do you think?

Leave me your predictions below!

The New AJ Outlaws

Hey ya’ll. Apologies about the lack of update, I was at a wedding last week! This week’s Raw was a little hit and miss but it ended really strong. But exactly what went down? Well, read on.

The show opened with Michael Cole announcing that Jerry Lawler would not be on commentary. We were then shown a clip of CM Punk and Lawler fighting backstage which, obviously, resulted in Lawler lying flat out and motionless. I must admit, a Raw without Lawler wasn’t exactly the worst thing to hear on the show’s opening.

Sheamus then came to his ring and told the Chicago crowd that the party has already started but it’s going to end for one man, Alberto Del Rio. Sheamus went to continue his rant but was interrupted instead by CM Punk who wasn’t happy. He said that Sheamus was disrespecting him by trying to steal the limelight and the adoration of the Chicago crowd who were, as predicted, very much on Punk’s side. This fact completely threw Sheamus off what he was doing and he kept fumbling his lines and stuttering. Don’t cry, Great White. We all have our off days.

Anyways, the two went back and forth until Sheamus challenged Punk to go to the ring. Instead, AJ interrupted and announced that Alberto Del Rio would face John Cena and that Punk and Sheamus would go head to head.

The first match of the night was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler in a Smackdown grudge match. The match was actually pretty good but I kept getting a really homoerotic vibe. I know that WWE is one big homoerotic vibe but Randy certainly loved exploring Dolph’s body. Lucky bastard. The two battled it out and it seemed like Randy was going to win, but Dolph turned things around by rolling Orton up and stealing the win, with the aide of Orton’s tights.

We then had the triumphant return of the Daniel Bryan/Kane Anger Management classes. This week, the group were tasked with creating Anger Collages. Kane’s was sadly blank and the therapist told Kane they wanted to see his true feelings. Kane replied by setting the bin alight. Oh Kane, what will we do with you?

The 2^nd match of the night was Tag Team action with Cody Rhodes teaming up with Lord Tensai to face Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara. Cody has been unnaturally fixated with Sin Cara’s mask, insisting on exposing Sin Cara’s hideous face to the world. I’d like to remind Cody that there’s enough ugliness on TV and its name is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

The match wasn’t too bad but it would be Coddles and A-Train who came up short. Rey and Sin Cara picked up the win.

Back to Anger Management where, this time, they took part in trust circles. For those who haven’t ever had to suffer mind-numbing team building tasks, this is where you close your eyes and fall back and your colleague catches you. Daniel Bryan fell back and Kane caught him and it seemed the two were being good until they were both instructed to catch Howard. Howard was then dropped quicker than Kharma.

We were then meant to have Sheamus v CM Punk but, after Sheamus made his entrance, Punk came to the ring fully dressed. He explained how the Chicago crowd respected him and the fact he’s main event material and nothing else. The confused and mildly retarded Chicago crowd carried on cheering for their man until he announced that, since it was Labor Day he was going to go home. He left the ring and then, despite AJ’s pleas, announced he was taking some contracted personal days and left the arena.

AJ was then left to find Sheamus a new opponent. Alberto Del Rio then made his way to ringside to watch as Jack Swagger took on Sheamus. The two had a good match but it was evident that Sheamus would pick up the win.

Afterwards, a distraction from Ricardo Rodriguez would allow Del Rio to attack Sheamus, only for his plan to be foiled. Sheamus beat down Del Rio and went to hit the Brogue Kick but Del Rio was saved by his right hand goon, Ricardo. Ricardo took full force of the kick and ended up being escorted out by medics.

Divas action was up next and Eve and her scary teeth teamed up against Kaitlyn. The entire thing was watched ringside by Layla who spent most of her time arguing with The Miz, who joined Michael Cole on commentary earlier after the Orton/Ziggler match. The two went back and forth and it became evident that Layla’s accent is a little off and the two clearly hate each other. Either way, Eve won and started doing this creepy “good sportsman” smile and handshake. It’s the kinda smile you give someone you work with after you fucked them at the Christmas party.

Backstage, a worried AJ protested with Jack Swagger as he left the arena. Swagger announced he was taking extended leave as he was “better than this.” Poor Swags. I think it’s cute how they made it a big deal that he wasn’t there, considering he hasn’t been on Raw in weeks.

Part 3 of Anger Management saw D-Bry and Kane come to a resolution as they announced they were now friends. However, Kane’s offhanded comment about destroying D-Bry resulted in the two arguing. The rest of the class left, leaving the counsellor to deal with the fall out. However, things came to an end when the counsellor went crazy and screamed at everyone. Kane and D-Bry broke him.

It was then announced that the two would have a match but what match would it be? Twitter users were invited to vote on them teaming up, facing each other or hugging it out.

Backstage, David Otunga announced he was now representing Rodriguez and they would be pursuing Sheamus for damages. Please God don’t let it happen in Little People’s Court.

Then came the 2nd hour fluff or, as I call it, Superstars Lite.

Ryback picked up the win against Jinder Mahal.

Backstage, a livid AJ announced that the Del Rio/Cena match would now be Falls Count Anywhere.

Then came the Kane/Bryan Twitter Poll results. The results were in and they were told to hug it out. They took their merry time doing so but eventually hugged. All their good work was ruined, however, when bromantic backslapping became too aggressive. The two ended up brawling and Kane tried to break Bryan’s neck only to end up getting smashed with a Steel Chair.

Superstars Lite part 2 took place afterwards with Antonio Cessaro defeating Santino Morella.

Then, Superstars Lite part 3 ended up with Zack Ryder beating Heath Slater.

Ryder’s victory was interrupted by an angry Vickie Guerrero who wanted to make an announcement. She said she’d spoke to the Board Of Directors who demanded AJ apologise for slapping her. AJ came down, apologised and was met with two slaps by Vickie. A furious AJ was unable to strike back, in fear of losing her job. AJ was having a tough night and it all came to a scary end when she had a nervous breakdown in the ring. It was actually uncomfortable which is a testament to how good an actress she is. Bitch be cray cray.

Then it was the main event. I won’t talk about it too much because I think you should see it! Cena and Del Rio had a great match.

It all ended though when CM Punk interfered and knocked Cena out backstage. He rolled Del Rio on top of Cena for the 3 count. Afterwards, Punk continued his assault by hitting the GTS on a car. Cena’s face smashed onto the bonnet. As Punk drove away, the getaway driver was revealed… Paul Heyman.

Heyman’s back. But what are his motives?

Tune in next week.

Until then,

XO-WB

Brock The Fuck Is Going On?

Hello all! I’m baaaack. A week later than planned. Sadly that means I’m glossing over Summerslam but that’s OK. Because Raw is like an epic PPV every week now!

So, Raw has officially gone to 3 hours and I’ve been wracking my brains to think of how I’m going to recap them. Then it hit me; work harder. I can’t let these precious recaps slide just because of an extra hour, right?  But what exactly went down this week?

The show opened with resident block head, Brock Lesnar and his human voice box Paul Heyman. They were coming fresh off a big victory against Triple H at Summerslam and Paul had a few things to say. Basically, they’re trying to push this as the end of Triple H’s career. It’s hard to believe they wouldn’t have made a bit more fuss about one of the greatest superstars of all time retiring from in-ring action but, whatevs, I’ll bite.

Paul said that Triple H wanted and fight and it was a fight he got and that Brock made him quit. Paul then discussed how Triple H used to battle through severe injuries to finish a match but now he tapped out to Brock. Actually, it was a very good promo and it was an interesting angle. It’s just a shame Brock Lesnar is involved. He’s literally the most boring man in WWE ever. And I’m including John Laurinaitis.

Then they decided to bring referee Scott Armstrong out who came out looking like a dog who just took a dump on the carpet. Brock bounced around because that’s all he knows how to do and then patted Scott on the shoulder to thank him for a good job. It is very nice that referees are getting recognition and all but I was a little worried. It hasn’t been a great week for people named Armstrong. With that, Paul declared Brock the new King Of Kings and left the ring.

We then saw a Tout where Punk declared he wanted to pick his own opponent (yes, I’ve had to upload a Tout to Youtube because there’s no support for embedding into WordPress just yet).

On a sidenote, I actually like Tout. It’s interesting. If you want to Tout me some of your thoughts then do so here and I might just use them!

Our first match was 6-man action and it was Kofi Kingston & R Truth & Sin Cara vs Prime Time Players & Cody Rhodes. The Prime Time Players are actually a really good tag team and it was a shame they were held back by the AW bullshit. I called it a while ago that AW would eventually get sacked but the circumstances in which he did were hilarious. In all fairness to AW, it was a really good joke. But that’s the thing about rape jokes… you can’t force them on people.

The match was actually not too bad but it did seem like there were many parts that were confused and things got a little clunky. Cody Rhodes once again became obsessed with Sin Cara’s mask. I’m a little concerned they’re going into the “you’re ugly, I’m beautiful” schtick with Cody again as the whole Dashing Cody Rhodes thing, as fun as the homoerotic vignettes were, was a stepping stone. Cody is much better than that now. Cody’s obsession with de-masking Sin Cara ended up in him losing after Sin Cara rolled him up for the win.

Backstage, Raw GM AJ Lee was chatting to Matt Striker. I’m loving AJ as a GM. Interesting choice indeed. Before AJ could carry on talking, David Otunga appeared. Otunga has been away filming a movie with Halle Berry. A lot of WWE Superstars are off doing movies these days. Good on them. Anyways, Otunga offered to be AJ’s legal counsel and promised to stop people calling her crazy. AJ didn’t like the fact Otunga used the word in front of her and put him in a match with an opponent of her choosing. I hope AJ never runs into Carly Rae Jepsen.

She continued saying that Punk can choose his opponent, subject to her approval.

It was then announced that Khloe Kardashian-Odom is the Social Media Ambassador for the night. It’s great they’re getting popular names but, seriously, these people have never watched WWE in their life! It’d make more sense if they got Kim Kardashian as she’s actually been slammed on camera.

Then it was Ryback vs two jobbers. This whole thing is getting boring so what did they do to spice things up? They had Jinder Mahal run in. I mean, a Ryback/Mahal feud is like having cancer face AIDs. Nobody wins.

Backstage once more to where Dolph Ziggler entered Chris Jericho’s dressing room demanding a rematch. The two went back and forth but AJ broke things up by skipping in and making a declaration. The two WOULD have a rematch but it’d be Ziggler’s Money In The Bank contract vs Y2J’s WWE contract!

Del Rio then made his way to the ring where he spoke about how he deserved another match against Sheamus after the Summerslam one ended in a bit of controversy. AJ came out and declared she wouldn’t interfere in the World Heavyweight Championship set-up as that’s Booker T’s job but she could put Del Rio in a match. And she did, against Randy Orton.

The match wasn’t that bad and a cheeky Sheamus was on commentary. I love Sheamus in full cheeky Irishman mode. It seemed that Randy Orton was going to get caught out by Ricardo but Sheamus stepped in to ensure that didn’t happen. A distracted Randy Orton nearly lost the match but Sheamus pointed out that Randy had his foot on the rope. ADR went mental at Sheamus only to turn around into an RKO to allow Randy Orton to pick up the win.

See, Randy? You can do great things when you’re not on drugs.

Brodus Clay vs Damien Sandow was our next offering and can I just point out a bit of a plothole? Damien Sandow discusses how he’s saving us from social media and populist culture yet he’s got Twitter, YouTube and Tout. Makes no sense.

Anyways, it was a good match which was eventually won by Sandow who grabbed the tights for the win. Brodus, however, wasn’t happy about this and attacked Sandow viciously. It’s a bit bizarre that we all cheered Brodus being a sore loser but the minute he bought those kids in to dance I got over it. SO CUTE!

Then it was Shawn Michaels’ emotional chat via satellite. I won’t talk about it much as you should probably watch it. The gist of it being… Triple H has to realise that his time is over. He’s no longer the competitor he was. He lost. It was all very sad but I didn’t want to wipe away my tears as I prefer using my Kleenex for Dolph Ziggler matches.

David Otunga then came to the ring to face his mystery opponent. That opponent? The Big Show! I must admit, I was a bit down on The Big Show but his fierce persona has been fantastic. He tore Otunga apart completely and it was great. But then we were shown something. A backstage video after Summerslam which I implore you to watch. This is the best I’ve ever seen Big Show. It seemed real, raw, passionate… it was fantastic. More of this, please!

Up next was the anger management match where former enemies must team up. It was Kane and Zack Ryder up against Daniel Bryan and The Miz. I’m loving Daniel Bryan at the minute and the NO! NO! NO! thing is great. The Miz has also returned strong although he’s not as sexy anymore. I miss his old look.

The match itself was fantastic and the Bryan/Miz dynamic was spot-on. Eventually, it boiled down to Bryan and Kane. Bryan slapped Kane and then ran away and The Miz quickly ran too. This left a vulnerable Zack Ryder, along with a timekeeper, to take the hits. It all ended with Ryder being driven into the mat with a tombstone. Woo woo ooh.

Backstage yet again where CM Punk said that he opponent at Night Of Champions would be John Cena but on one condition. That condition? Well, you’ll have to wait.

A Divas Battle Royal was next and what a waste of time it was. It was slow, awkward and pointless. Like the first time I had sex. And the 2^nd. 3^rd. 4^th… shut up. Kaitlyn picked up the win for a title shot we’ll probably never get to see anyway.

Some good news then came. Brock Lesnar announced he was leaving WWE! You heard right. It came out of nowhere and it was announced on TOUT! I know, right? I don’t doubt he’ll be back but it’ll be nice to know WWE will be a Brock-free zone for a while.

Then we had a Wade Barrett vignette. I love it. The whole bare knuckle fighting thing… it’s just great. I’ve never been a huge Wade fan but it’ll be great to see him back. That may be slight British Bias though.

Backstage to Dolph Ziggler’s dressing room (oof… can you imagine? Mmm) where Vickie Guerrero was freaking out. She said they cannot lose and he must win it for her. Dolph said if he was winning it for anyone, it was for himself.

Then we had Ziggler v Y2J and boy… what a match. Y2J lost and I think that was a forgone conclusion. Obviously, he’ll be back. He’s the herpes of WWE… you can never get rid of him. I won’t go too into the match because I think you should watch it. Enjoy!

After the match, Y2J attacked Dolph and left the WWE… for now.

Then it was the main event… well, not match wise but you know what I mean. CM Punk came to the ring. First of all, he wanted a chat with Jerry Lawler. Punk was still unhappy with Lawler’s declaration that Punk had turned his back on the WWE Universe. Lawler explained that’s how he felt at the time but Punk wanted to press the issue. He was stopped in his tracks, however, by Cena.

Punk laughed that Cena couldn’t help himself and then decided to lay down the gauntlet. If Cena wants a WWE title shot then he must say Punk is the best in the world. Cena refused, saying that Punk had to prove he was and that he would wait for a title shot if he needed and then left the ring.

An annoyed Punk then ushered Lawler into the ring and demanded Jerry apologise and announce he’s the best in the world. Lawler refused and then went to leave the ring, only to be kicked in the head by Punk!

So Punk has taken a heel turn. The respect angle is an interesting one and I have to say I’m sort of loving it. There’s been lots of talk about whether or not we want to see Lawler and Punk wrestle and I’m in the “not” camp. Yes, Jerry’s in great shape and can still work in the ring but his style is slower… it’s boring.

But what do you think about this and Raw in general? Hit me up on Twitter, Tout or in the comments section. Like this post? Share it and tell your friends.

Until next time,

XO-WB

DO YOU THINK YOU’D BE GOOD AT DOING RECAPS? I’M LOOKING FOR RECAPPERS. I NEED REGULAR RECAPPERS FOR WWE PPVs AND SMACKDOWN. GET IN TOUCH.