People Power Outage

No Way Out was a fun affair and I actually quite liked the show. My predictions amounted to what they always do and I ended up getting nearly every single one wrong. I’m smart like that. So what exactly went down then?

The opening bout was surprisingly the World Heavyweight Championship Match. I smelt shenanigans with the fact it was up first and I racked my Red Bull infused brain to find an answer. I came up with nothing. I began to think that we were going to be hit with dejavu as, when the bell rang, Dolph pulled a Daniel Bryan and made Vickie kiss him. Sheamus went for the Brogue Kick but luckily this time the 18 second victory was not to happen.

It was a fantastic match and both men did a great job. It was clear that they put their best in and it made me sweat just watching them. Plus I’m also overweight. I chomped down on my Milkybar (not a euphemism) nervously as it seemed my future 3^rd husband (after Zac Efron and Cody Rhodes) was going to see gold. Sadly, it wasn’t to be and Sheamus picked up the win.

Soon, my love. Soon.

Backstage, J-Lau turned up wearing a suit that made him look like a cinema usher. I’ve no idea what he was thinking but I’m going to presume he wasn’t thinking at all. J-Lau was trying to convince Mr McMahon that he didn’t need to be at ringside for the match because of his concussion and everything. Vince wasn’t conVINCED (I know, sorry) and slammed the door in his face. Someone was grumpy but inappropriate emotional responses are a side effect to a concussion. Obviously, some people take that to the extreme. I’m looking at you, Benoit.

Scumbag Josh Matthews then waded in asking J-Lau about the pressure of perhaps getting fired. J-Lau then told Josh he was a failed wrestler and unfit to be an announcer. Bitch PLEASE.

The WWE “Universe” have been up in arms about how WWE is only about the kiddies and that joke matches are wrong. This is the same group of people who cheered for Colt Cabana when CM Punk gave him a shout out. To quote resident flag kicker Chris Jericho. YOU’RE ALL SYCOPHANTS AND HYPOCRITES. I am, indeed, talking about the Tuxedo Match which saw Santino Morella take on Ricardo Rodriguez.

It was what we expected and Santino picked up the win. I like the humour of it all and I genuinely LOL’d when Ricardo sauntered off in Del Rio undies.

Bacstage once more to Matt Striker who was interviewing CM Punk. Punk talked about how Bryan was a good technical wrestler but was interrupted by cray cray AJ. Did you know AJ was crazy? I know, right? It’s not like it’s been mentioned a gazillion times. AJ basically wished Punk luck but then Punk got all douchey and said luck was for losers. I actually think Punk is a bit of a dickhead really. There, I said it.

Cody Rhodes, who disappeared for a while, was up against Christian in our next match. Cody was hoping for a third reign in the same way I want to be in a three way with him and Dolph. The match was actually really good and the two really went at it. There was a move where Cody bent Christian’s arm back and the stood on his elbow which actually made me cringe. I’m such a “mark”, you guys.

However it seemed like I was a common curse as future husband #2 lost to Christian.

Then it was the turn of unknown tag teams to get in on the PPV action. It was to be a Four Way Tag Team Match to see who would be the #1 contender for the Tag Team Titles. It’s a nice change for them to decide the contenders this way as usually names are picked out from a hat. The match was really good and it wasn’t a clusterfuck as I expected. There was a great moment when Tyson Kidd hit the hurricarana off the top rope to the outside, knocking everyone down. And it was also fun to see Justin Gabriel’s cute little butt back in action.

The win eventually went to Titus O’Neil and Darren Young aka the Primetime Players. It turns out that Abraham Washington screwed over Primo and Epico Fail. Good stuff, nice to see the tag division getting a good story.

I’d like to pause this recap a minute to say something which annoyed me. For those who don’t know, The Primetime Players wear pink ring attire. This caused Booker T to say that he thought they were “a little fruityish if you know what I mean… a little sweet”. I’m not going to accept homophobia from some jumped up moron who can’t even string a sentence together. So, fuck you Booker T. Interestingly, he doesn’t make such comments about Dolph who not only wore pink but used to jiggle his arse for everyone.

Back to the recap, Triple H came to the ring to challenge Brock Lesnar to a match. And that was it. I was a little disappointed because Triple H was WAY off his game and rambled for a while about trying to find the balance between being corporate and a wrestler. I think it’s time WWE decided what they wanted him to be. If they want a corporate figure, then make him that. I think Trips would make a great GM. He’s my favourite ever wrestler but the lack of continuity in his character is starting to grate on me.

Backstage, AJ wished Daniel Bryan luck. What is that girl playing at?!

Divas action was up next as Beth Phoenix took on the champ, Layla. I have to say, this match KICKED BUTT! It was awesome. It was the right length, there were great moves. Even the announcers got behind it. Sadly, the crowd were dead but we’re going in the right direction. If they can pull this shit off more often, the Divas Division will soon be strengthened. Also, did anyone notice Layla just full on grab Beth’s boob when she went for the pin? Personal space, girl.

Backstage to AJ once more but this time she was talking to Kane. She went to wish him luck but ended up making out with him instead. Can I just say, I frickin’ LOVE these two. They’re like a Twilight type of relationship. Or even Monsters Inc if Boo was older and Sulley was nailing her.

For some reason we had Sin Cara v Hunico. Sin Cara won. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Then it was the triple threat match. I don’t want to say too much except watch it. I was so apprehensive about Kane’s addition into this but with the AJ angle, it all worked great. AJ ran in towards the end, she was knocked off the apron, Kane was distracted and Punk picked up the win.

As Kane scooped AJ up and took her away, she smiled at Punk like it was her plan all along. LOVE IT.

After the great came the awful… Ryback was “fed” more. I’m so sick of this Will Sasso lookalike stinking up my WWE experience. GO AWAY.

Then we had the main event, the cage match. I was apprehensive about how boring this would be and at first it appeared I was right. There was only so much these two could do but this one was about the story. It seemed like Big Show was going to win but Brodus Clay ran down to the ring with a steel chair, blocking his exit. People were expecting a swerve where Brodus hit Cena instead but I didn’t think that. Soon a plethora of Big Show victims ran down to unsuccessfully stop The Big Show.

As Cena made his way out, J-Lau tried to knock him off with his crutch. It looked like Show was going to sneak out the door but Cena won!

J-Lau was fired.

My heart broke.

And so did the Spanish Announce Table.

There we ave it, that was No Way Out.

Until next time,

XO-WB

A Cole-Lossal Mess

Hey everyone! Apologies for the lack of a recap last week but, in honour of the Queen’s Jubilee and The Royal Family, I spent the entire weekend not working. This week’s Raw will not go down in the history books as a classic but it still wasn’t the worst thing ever. So what went down? Read on.

The show opened with Michael Cole in the ring. Cole was to interview John Cena about the whole Big Show fiasco. Cena came to the ring and then things got a bit strange. See, WWE is all about bad guys and good guys which you’ll often see referred to as “heels” and “[baby]faces”. Now usually the heel is not somebody you agree with unless you’re a sociopath like me. Things got weird because the heel, Michael Cole, was actually speaking the truth.

Cole said that the entire situation was that of Cena’s own making because he would rather play the clown than have come out and supported his friend, The Big Show. He said that Cena only thought about himself and his ego and that led to him humiliating J-Lau. It was hard to disagree and I began to question everything I once believed. It was actually all true and Cena didn’t help himself by saying that Cole had a My Little Pony collection. Cena explained that he was certain that, if he’d defeated J-Lau, a new GM would’ve rehired Show. Cole, again surprisingly correct, asked how exactly he knew that for sure. There were no guarantees.

As I scratched my head and then my balls for good measure, Cole then went crazy saying that Cena was over-rated and in it for himself and he needs to learn it’s not all about him. I gave the same speech to my cousin. Just because he’s in a wheelchair, why should he get all the attention?

Speaking of the handicapped, J-Lau then turned up. He told Cena he could pick his own opponent to which he picked Michael Cole. Cole protested but J-Lau said there was nothing he could do and then he did the most awesome Diva move on his scooter. I love him.

Image courtesy of wrestlingwithtext.com

After a break we went backstage to Cole and J-Lau and Cole begged J-Lau to stop the match. J-Lau denied the request and did another Diva drive off. I’ve never seen anyone work a mobility scooter like him.

Vickie Guerrero then hit the stage to introduce Dolph Ziggler as an angry Michael Cole stomped past her. It was time for the Dolph Ziggler/Sheamus rematch from Smackdown. The two had a great match so I had high expectations. Unfortunately my expectations should’ve been lower than Vickie’s boobs because the match was pretty much identical to the one they had on Smackdown. It wasn’t a bad thing but it would’ve been nice to see a change. However, I’ll forgive Dolph anything as the Ziggle Jiggle booty pop he does on his way to the ring literally makes my life. Sheamus picked up the win.

The excitement of his victory was short lived, however, when Del Rio attacked him from behind. With an assist from the genius that is Ricardo Rodriguez, Del Rio clamped the arm breaker as Sheamus hung from the stage. It was actually pretty awesome and for a moment I forgot how dull Del Rio was. Also, what’s why his package? He has the male version of Camel Toe… Camel Balls.

Backstage once more where David Otunga announced that Mr McMahon would return to Raw to give J-Lau an appraisal. Um, wasn’t Vince relieved of his duties? Another plothole for WWE to dig themselves out of. Speaking of which, do you think we’ll ever get a conclusion to the Anonymous GM?

Sin Cara made his Raw return against Hunico. I swear to God, if this is what we have to look forward to with 3 hour Raw, I give up now. The Sin Cara lighting is stupid and he does the same moves over and over. Also, what’s with the new outfit? He looks like a lesbian Power Ranger. Sin Cara picked up the win.

Then it was Ryback who was there to obliterate two young hopefuls by the names of Arthur Rosenburg and Stan Stansky or as I like to call them; The Dynamic Jew-o. I’m not a fan of Ryback and this schtick is getting old. It’s not even impressive anymore. He’s beating up skinny kids… that’s not impressive, it’s bullying. Ryback obviously won. Yawn.

We then had the CM Punk v Kane rematch. It was actually a really good match and I think it’s given a new life to Kane. Hopefully it won’t last very long as Kane is currently hindering the Bryan/Punk feud. It’s hard to pin point exactly why WWE involved Kane in the story but, creative does what it does. The match was good and it seemed like Bryan had caused Punk to lose after a kick from outside. However, AJ ran to the ring to alert the referee of Bryan’s assault. Punk then took the opportunity to take Bryan out. After rolling in the ring, Punk was hit with the Chokeslam to allow Kane to pick up the win. A worried AJ then entered to check on Punk and Kane closed in on her. Bryan then valiantly leapt to her defence but was met with a big boot instead. Kane advanced closer but a psychotic smile from AJ made him leave.

Now I know you’re thinking, Wrestlebitch, why haven’t you weighed in on the AJ issue, your opinion is always so valued. Well thanks, gurl. I think that the AJ story is interesting but I fear that the angle is becoming skewed. The idea of it was seemingly that she was having a nervous breakdown. Many believe this to be WWE mocking or degrading mental illness. I don’t get that vibe and it’s interesting that people are reacting this way to AJ’s storyline whereas it seems perfectly fine that Randy Orton hears voices in his head. I think that people should allow this storyline to develop and see where it goes. I’ve been wrong before about the Cena/Eve angle but I think that it’s unfair to say that WWE is making light of mental illness.

As I step off my soap box and back into Raw, AJ went backstage for an interview with Josh Matthews. It got a little strange as she questioned if he feared aggressive women and then said that Josh might just be her type. I don’t mean to spread rumours but I don’t think you’re his type, AJ… if you know what I mean.

Tag Team action was next as Kofi Kingston and R Truth faced Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkings. The match was as expected but the fact Kofi and Truth were taped up was a nice touch after Big Show’s assault. Team Boom won. Do they actually have an official name? Let me know.

Then it was main event time. John Cena v Michael Cole. But wait! J-Lau came out to announced that Cena would only face Cole if he could beat Lord Tensai. I’ve come to learn that Tensai is Japanese for “sighs ten times” because that’s exactly what I do when I hear his name. Tensai and Cena duked it out and, surprisingly, Cena picked up the win.

We then had 15 minutes of Cena humiliating Michael Cole who was stripped to his boxers. I’d like to see Dolph Ziggler in his underwear. Oh wait…

After Cea assaulted Cole with JRs BBQ sauce (btw, JRs Chipotle Ketchup is divine) it seemed he was about to win but Lord Tensai (sigh x10) got involved. It seemed like Cole was going to get the shock victory but Cena kicked out and hit the AA on Cole for the win.

This Monday is a 3 Hour Raw in which Mr McMahon returns. I have high expectations. Please don’t shatter them, WWE.

Until then,

XO-WB

Show No He Didn’t!

Well after a sucky ending to what was a good PPV, Raw had a lot to do in order to make up for everyone’s expectations not being met. But, did it do the job it needed to do? Well, read on then, stupid.

So the show started with John Cena who was as confused as the rest of us as to what happened at Over The Limit. Cena explained that he wasn’t mad that The Big Show got involved, he was mad that John Laurinaitis is still sticking around. He clearly has poor taste. Anyways, Cena went on to say that The Big Show shouldn’t have done it and then literally described what happened that night. Like play-by-play. It’s like dude, we saw. Cena seemed really mad at what went down. I mean super mad. I imagine he wasn’t even that mad when his wife filed for divorce.

He was then interrupted by Eve who introduced J-Lau. Due to his heroic match at Over The Limit, J-Lau was rocking a mobility scooter. He made it looked good, jazzed it up with a people power symbol. J-Lau got swag, yo. Sadly, that swag doesn’t extend to the mic as J-Lau explained that he re-hired Big Show on Saturday. Now for anyone who actually listens, you’ll know that the board of directors stipulated that any superstar who gets involved on the Sunday would be fired. Meaning Big Show would be fired. J-Lau continued that, if Cena touches him again, he’ll be fired on the spot. He also announced that Big Show would be Cena’s opponent at No Way Out.

Then, Show himself made an appearance and explained that he went rouge because nobody cared about him. He said that, when he broke down crying, nobody came to his defence, nobody asked if he was OK. Basically, Show is forever alone.

After telling Cena he’d basically destroy him at No Way Out, Show left. Otunga then turned up to the party for a match with Cena. Cena warned Otunga that he “wasn’t in the mood” which sounds like something he said to his wife a lot. No wonder they’re over. Otunga got involved anyway and Cena basically destroyed him like I hope one day Cody Rhodes will destroy my you-know-what. After Cena made Otunga tap, Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkins, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil all came in to beat on Cena. Sheamus then turned up and after violently shoving J-Lau, cleared the ring.

A furious J-Lau, who was watching it all from his scooter, set a match. A 2 on 3 handicap match but this had a twist, it’d be a LUMBERJACK match. Let me hear you say ooooh (ooooh).

It was then time for the next match to get under way and Ricardo Rodriguez was set to announce Alberto Del Rio. He was interrupted by Santino who told RR that he wasn’t doing his job right. RR was furious as Santino explained that he couldn’t roll his R’s. Santino is good at rolling his R’s. He’s also good at rolling his cars. Santino then hit the Cobra on RR and left the ring.

The ADR v Orton match then got underway. It all got pretty boring. Chris Jericho appeared just when Orton was going to hit the RKO. Jericho hit the Codebreaker and then took to the mic declaring he’s the “best in the world”. Again. Jericho lost that moniker in a match. It was the whole point of it. Jericho then hit two subsequent Codebreakers and left. Eurgh. The whole thing makes me want to go desecrate a flag.

Daniel Bryan then made his way to the ring. See, he felt that he won the match because Punk tapped out at Over The Limit. What actually happened was that Punk tapped after winning with a 3 count. Bryan denied this and showed some footage of Punk tapping. Punk then came out to settle things. He explained that, despite the fact that it was one of the best battles he’s ever been in, he still beat him 1, 2, 3. Then another issue was bought up. D-Bry got involved in a match that Punk had against Kane, making Kane believe Punk had hit him with a chair. Punk explained that Kane now knows the full facts and wants his revenge.

Kane v Bryan was a so-so match and I think WWE have no idea what to do with Kane anymore. The dude clearly believes he’s still a demon but we’ve seen enough Vampire Diaries and Twilight to know that supernatural beings are way prettier. Punk was on commentary for the match which was also pretty fun. Punk then managed to return the favour to Bryan, by making Kane thing Bryan was going to beat on him with a chair. Kane then destroyed him. I hope that this doesn’t become a triple threat thing. I hate triple threat. I always seems to me like the geeky kid asking if he can “play too”. After being chokeslammed, Punk added insult to injury and put the Anaconda Vice onto Bryan. Meanie.

Speaking of meanie, Puk then saw AJ backstage and AJ was giving him the crazy eyes. Punk then said that she was basically an idiot for still caring about Bryan. Real sensitive, Punk. AJ began crying and Punk got all autistic, not knowing what to do. He then revealed that he actually sort of digs crazy chicks. Smooth.

We then had Christian v Jinder Mahal. I’m not even going to dignify this with a real recap. Just: ZZZZ.

Divas action was up next with Beth Phoenix taking on Kelly Kelly. Ksquared was all ditzy and gleeful after ranking pretty highly on the Maxim Hot 100. That’s right, the Maxim Hot 100. Y’know, that well known wrestling magazine? Anyways, Beth annihilated Kelly. Question; since Kelly Kelly was wearing stars and stripes, and Beth Phoenix kicked her, does that mean that Beth is going to get suspended too?

It was the 2 on 3 lumberjack handicap match which made our main event. Cena and Sheamus’ opponents were Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and The Artist Formerly Known As Prince… Albert – Lord Tensai. It was actually a good match and not the clusterfuck I expected. I still don’t buy Tensai as a real human being but Ziggler and Swagger never fail to put a tingle in my dingle. That’s my sex dingle and my wrestling dingle. The match ended when the lumberjacks went crazy and the entire locker room emptied. I hope one day to have an entire locker room empty on me too.

Cena meanwhile, slipped away looking for The Big Show. He ran backstage to find him but bumped into J-Lau instead. Cena carried on looking but found a WMD to the face. I hate Big Show but that punch was frickin’ awesome.

So that was Raw. What did you think?

Until next time,

XO-WB

WMDismal

Hey everyone! So we’re back to written recaps because, well, you guys just preferred them. Thanks to everyone who voted on the poll. And if you didn’t vote then I CURSE THEE. It was a night of prediction fails but what exactly went down at Over The Limit? Read on.

So the show opened with the People Power Battle Royal. It began on the WWE Youtube Pre-Show and spilled over to the main show. Eve set it up where the winner would face either Cody Rhodes or Santino Morella that night. It was your usual group of people lucky to get a paycheck including Khali whose knees you can actually hear creaking through the TV. The surprise entrant, bland Superstar Christian. I don’t like Christian, never have. I find him dull. It became clear immediately who would win.

Another entrant was the downtrodden Miz who has put up with a lot of shit recently. It came down to Miz and Christian but, predictably, Christian won. He hinted that he’d face Santino later that night.

Then we had Vickie Guerrero whose dress was a strange mix of extremely sex with availability for keyhole surgery. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to turn me on or if she was just prepped for Kidney surgery. Dolph Ziggler also made a bold fashion choice with a diamond studded dog collar. The annoying thing is, he even made that look not gay. He’s the Ridiculously Photogenic Guy of the WWE. Dolph in a dog collar also kinda turned me on as I’ve always wanted to make him my bitch. Dolph along with Jack Swagger went up against the team of Kofi Kingston and R-Truth. I’m going to start calling Kofi “Betty Ford” because he seems to constantly associate with drug addicts.

The match, for the titles, was your average fair and Kofi and Dolph did some fantastic work. The quality of the match, however, was overshadowed by the awful commentary. I get its Lawler’s job to be mean about Vickie but not throughout the entire damn match. It was annoying and, even more annoyingly, Dolph and Swagger lost. Not so annoyingly, Abraham Washington was nowhere to be found. THANK. GOD.

Backstage, powerbitch Eve and David Otunga chatted to Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks. They requested that the two go into the crowd and destroy any signs. I’ve often dreamed of a wrestler destroying something of mine… but I don’t mean a sign.

We then had Divas action and I’m starting to become one of those annoying people who say something is “definitely” happening when it’s not. You know it’s bad when dirtsheets seem better informed. I’m obsessed with Kharma and when she’ll return and I presumed it’d happen at OTL but it didn’t. What we did get, though, was fantastic. Beth and Layla worked great together and the match was outstanding. Also, it was long! They were given time and the two were evenly matched in terms of skill. Layla picked up the win to retain her Divas Title. Their match, however, was also ruined by bad commentary. Booker T said that Layla shouldn’t wrestle in a knee brace as it’s “impossible”. Erm, talk to Stone Cold, idiot.

Backstage, Randy Orton was being interviewed for reasons I can’t explain. I nodded off momentarily because even his voice is boring but perked up when Jericho entered the room. Jericho said he’d win because he’s the best in the world. This annoys me because his whole feud with Punk was over that moniker. He lost the right to use it. I get he’s a bad guy but it’s called character development.

Then it was Fatal Fourway time as Orton, Sheamus, Y2J and Alberto Del Rio all faced off. This wasn’t a match I was looking forward to but I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It was quite gripped and I didn’t know who was going to win. I hadn’t been this torn since I accidentally opened two different porn movies and had to decide which one to watch. I went with plumber who gets grease on his shorts. Thanks for asking.

It was melee in every sense of the word and it seemed that Orton was going to RKO his way to victory but Sheamus swooped in to get the win.

Backstage, Eve chatted to Cody Rhodes. I had to re-watch their chat 20 times because for the first 19 I kept yelling “BITCH, STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN” furiously at the screen. The two chatted about how brave J-Lau is and that Christian will win the US Title and give it legitimacy. Cody expressed concern that Christian was too rusty but Captain ChariZZZma overheard and decided he’d go after Cody’s Intercontinental Title instead. Douche.

Then The Miz came out for his second match of the night, this time against Brodus Clay. The Miz said he was sick of the WWE Universe fawning over the Funkasaurus because he’s so ridiculous. I agree with Miz and his beautiful bouncing boobs, but then thinks took a turn for the worse… Miz danced. I love Miz and I think he is awesome but this was embarrassing. Miz’s career has crashed so hard I’m thinking of renaming him Princess Diana. After copying the dance from Thriller, Miz went up against Brodus and lost. Again. To a human dinosaur. Seriously. Princess freakin’ Diana.

Curt and Tyler then decided to REKS some signs… I’m sorry. That won’t happen again. The confiscated several signs and decided to tear them up. It was a bit brutal but completely delicious and, it being Reks and Hawkins I half expected the signs to end up victorious but these two finally got a win.

Cody Rhodes then came out and said he was glad he was never bought up in North Carolina as they’re all pretty much stupid. I love this man. He then had to face ChriZZZtian for the IC Title. I must admit it was a good match but that was only because Cody made it look so good. Now yes, I wish to ride Cody’s penis like it was a fairground attraction but he’s also very talented and he deserves a better opponent. Sorry, Peeps. Cody, however, lost and Christian picked up the win. Grumble.

CM Punk then got interviewed and basically talked about how much D-Bry had changed. Then AJ went all shadow lurker. It was kinda awkward.

I’ve decided not to recap the Punk v Bryan match and I implore you to watch it for yourselves. It was many, many shades of awesome but I did wish it’d gone on a little longer. The two are very talented and I am very happy to see that it looks like this feud will continue. I do think WWE missed a trick with this one because they should’ve somehow included AJ. They hinted at it enough but, story is story and we’ll see if that comes back around.

Backstage once more to a grinning Teddy Long. Teddy said that he has no desires on becoming GM but he believes that Eve and Otunga might end up running WWE should J-Lau have lost. I would be SO up for that.

Then WWE forgot this was a PPV and not an episode of NXT and offered us Camacho vs Rybeck. The crowd decided to show their support for Skip Sheffield’s new gimmick by chanting “Goldberg”. I do love the WWE Universe. I really do.

Then it was time for the big one. J-Lau vs John Cena. J-Lau was wearing an outfit for cycling but he still looked good. Many fans has argued that this was a ridiculous match but it was supposed to be. Cena believed that there could be no outside interference and you must admit, the entire think was VERY funny. The two of them sat, J-Lau slumped in the commentary booth pretending to be Booker T. It was genius. Kudos to J-Lau.

Then things took a turn for the sucky. J-Lau tried to run away but then was dragged back by Big Show. Cena went for the AA but Big Show hit the WMD and J-Lau won. It was too predictable, so predictable I didn’t even predict it as I thought there’d be a swerve. I was wrong and instead we’re left with an awful few weeks of mean Big Show. It really sucks, WWE. Cena is your top guy and you’re sticking him with Lesnar and Show? Despicable.

So that was Over The Limit. I thought it was mostly really good.

What did you think?

Until next time,

XO-WB

Rhodes To Perdition

This week’s Smackdown was juicy in story but also juicy in men.

OK, well, it was mostly Cody Rhodes but that isn’t exactly a bad thing.

Either way, there’s a gallery so hush.

XO-WB

Rumble In My Pants

Royal Rumbles are great for a fun match but they’re also great for seeing wrestlers in sexual positions.

So here’s all the sexy moments from the show. It’s a BIG ole gallery so give it time to load.

XO-WB

A Real Shame…Us

The Royal Rumble was a real controversial event which is why it’s taken me so long to recap. Also, I’ve been super busy leading my secret life as a hands-on underwear salesman to college-age teen boys. The Rumble was certainly one to forget but it wasn’t completely without its memorable moments. Which is a good job, as here is a ruddy recap.

The show started with a Cage Match. It was to be Daniel Bryan v Big Show v Mark Henry for the World Heavyweight Title. The match itself was actually not that bad considering you had one dynamo and two big giants that can’t really do much. Mark Henry got a few good shots in but this match was all about Bryan and The Big Show. Show is still racked with guilt after running over AJ with his moob. I was more than happy, that bitch is annoying. Bryan, however, is just annoying. YES! YES! YES! Yes, he is.

The match came to an end when Big Show surprisingly climbed the cage to stop Daniel Bryan escaping. Big Show had firm grasp of Bryan’s hand but Bryan manage to wriggle free to retain. I mean, OK, it was shorter than it should’ve been and it lacked any amazing moment but let’s be fair… a man lifted another man using one arm. COME ON!

We were then given a John Cena promo package where people all said really nice things about him. I like Cena, he does a lot for the kids and he’s really popular on the Facebook and the Twitter as we’re reminded constantly. HE’S GOT MORE FANS THAN MICHELLE OBAMA!!!11 She’s the first lady guys, lighten up. MORE FOLLOWERS THAN THE DALAI LAMA!!11 He’s a religious figure who you shouldn’t use to gain points, Jesus Christ people. Basically it was a pro-Cena package. I’m also pro-Cena’s package.

The next match was a special HEY MY CLOTHES ARE BRIGHTER THAN YOURS Divas match. It was Beth Phoenix, Natalya and The Bella Twins vs Eve, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox and Tamina. The bad girls were all in blue whilst the good girls all wore orange apart from Tamina who looked like a drag queen. The match was short but it did involve a few good moments like when Kelly Kelly flew into the air. Who knew she was a top? And Beth Phoenix screaming “GET OUTTA MY RING” was also pretty fun. If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that I’d be able to afford a better lawyer in my sexual assault trial. The bad girls won, btw.

From Divas to screamers it was John Cena vs Kane. It was all that embrace the hate/crate/your fate/high interest rate/debate/the fact I’ll be late nonsense that looked like it’d finally come to an end. After what was a pretty mediocre bout, the two men left the ring to duke it out. The referee hit the ten count and both men were counted out. They didn’t care about that though and just carried on fighting. The brawl erupted throughout the arena with Kane tossing off Cena all over the place. Double entendre heyyyyyy. Kane finally managed to dispose of Cena and then went after Zack Ryder who was being staged in what was essentially a poorly constructed sitcom set. After kicking down the door with scary ease, Kane smothered Ryder with his hand and wheeled Ryder down to the ring. Ryder, in the meantime, was doing a weird “disabled” face which made it look like he was mocking the handicap. WOO WOO Woops, I peed myself. Eve ran down to cry a little to add to Ryder’s embarrassment as he was tombstoned. Ever the hero, Cena turned up about 5 minutes to late and got a chokeslam for his troubles. Woopsie. I began to zone out a little as I had spent the previous hour embracing a Vodka bottle.

We were then shown a promo for The Rock. Cena’s promo was about how much he liked the business, how he cared for his fans and didn’t want to do anything else. The Rock’s promoted his new movie and the fact he likes big trucks. Go figure.

Then, for some reason, WWE thought it’d be nice for us to see a Brodus Clay/Drew McIntyre match. No, me neither. Apparently, Drew had requested it from Teddy Long and you can find the full explanation on WWE.com. How about you give me a PPV worthy match… dotcom? Anyway, Brodus won. I love Brodus but he should’ve been in the Rumble.

Then it was the big CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler match. Special Guest Referee J-Lau was the first man into the ring and he explained, in the interest of fairness, that he would be officiating from the outside and a proper referee will call the match. Oh J-Lau. You’re so fair.

The match got underway and, as expected, it was a good one. We were given great moves and Dolph Ziggler’s cute little butt made me squeal in delight. Things took a dark turn when Punk accidentally knocked the referee out of the ring. J-Lau, the sweetheart that he is, decided to check on the referee to make sure he was OK. Problem was, at this point, Punk was making Dolph tap to the anaconda vice. Then J-Lau MAY have missed a three count whilst he was helping the ref back in the ring. CM Punk went crazy and threw Dolph up for the GTS, hitting J-Lau in the head and sending him crashing to the outside. In the process, Punk kinda got the three count again. Total accident. It was sorted in the end and CM Punk won. He brought it on himself. J-Lau is an ANGEL.

Then it was the Rumble. It’s hard to recap the match but here are the things that made me happy:

1. The Miz stayed in so long
2. Cody Rhodes and The Miz were practically a team. This turned me on immensely
3. Ricardo Rodriguez
4. Mr Socko v Cobra

5. Kofi’s Handstand

6. Road Dogg’s return

7. Kharma’s return/hitting her finisher on Dolph

Here are the things I didn’t like:

1. Kharma didn’t stay in longer
2. All the announcers got involved
3. The Big Show was the 30^th entrant
4. Sheamus won it. FUCKING SHEAMUS. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME? I love Sheamus but, come on…

What did you think of it? Was it the end of the world as you know it or were you too bitterly disappointed by the fact WWE have botched Jericho’s return this making us look like fools for the whole It Begins thing?

Let me know.

XO-WB

Rumble-eveable Predictions

Hey everyone! No Friday Fitties gallery this week due to an issue with the video feed. The images aren’t great quality and I like to provide the best. Instead, here are my predictions for this year’s Royal Rumble.

The 30-Man Royal Rumble Match

There’s a lot of speculation over who it could be. This year WWE have really pushed the fact that literally ANYONE can enter the Royal Rumble. This opens up the PPV in many ways because it means that people can do double duty. So, it means that the guys already in matches can enter.

There is a lot of talk about the winner being either Chris Jericho or Randy Orton. I think there’s a lot of weight behind the Chris Jericho argument. He’s made it very clear that the world as we know it is going to change. In fact, it’s almost like the WWE is TRYING to tell us he’s going to win. Then there’s Randy Orton. He’s back after an injury but his feud with Wade Barrett seems far from over as their match on Smackdown was a non-starter. I don’t think either Randy Orton is going to be the winner. As I feel Randy Orton doesn’t have any fire behind him. Nobody WANTS him to be a champion. I have a feeling Orton is going to eliminate Barrett and Barrett will eliminate Orton.

My money is on Chris Jericho. My reasons for which I will list below.

WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO

CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler w/Special Guest Referee J-Lau (WWE Championship)

So, a simple segue into this discussion. There’s a lot of theory around this match and what will happen. J-Lau has already been told that if he screws Punk then he won’t have a job. I’ve been talking about my Y2J/Stephanie McMahon theory for a very long time now and I believe it’ll tie into this match… I think that Stephanie is working against Triple H. Triple H as COO was actually pretty fair and, it turns out, is pro-Punk. In fact, when Otunga read out the letter on Raw, Punk said that Triple H was going to come back and do the right thing. This is where I feel Stephanie will be involved. She doesn’t want to do the right thing; she doesn’t want a guy like Punk as champion. I believe she’s the girl in the It Begins videos.

So how does that tie into this match? I think that the match will be real good; I think it’ll be great but I think it’ll end in a DQ. How exactly that will happen, I’m not too sure. I’m presuming it’s going to involve J-Lau being knocked out and Triple H bringing another referee to the ring who catches Vickie or Swags getting involved. Either way, it’ll be a DQ.

Everyone will be pissed off. I then think that Jericho will be helped in the Rumble. I think that it could possibly end up with Kevin Nash and Chris Jericho as the final two contestants and Nash throws himself over. Or, possibly, the lights will go down (all but Jericho’s jacket) and then everyone will have been eliminated declaring Jericho the winner.

Then on Raw we’ll get the reveal… as Triple H goes to fire J-Lau he’s interrupted by Chris Jericho AND… his wife. She says that she has control from the Board, which she’s been behind it all along, Trips is weak etc.

WINNER: CM PUNK

Daniel Bryan v The Big Show v Mark Henry [ Triple Threat Steel Cage Match] (World Heavyweight Championship)

An interesting feud here that has one prong too many. I think that they’re trying to work Mark Henry into the match so he’s still seen as dominant, but at the same time, it’s distracting from the real story where we’re supposed to decide who is turning heel.

It’s very clear that Daniel Bryan is becoming an asshole. But it’s Big Show who is also showing change. He’s gotten angrier, louder, more unpredictable. Nothing makes anybody crazier that guilt.

The other problem we have is that every time Show and Henry have a match, something gets broken. So I think it’s safe to assume that this isn’t going to be much of a cage match.

I also think that AJ will be wheeled to the ring in a neck brace, looking very injured and that will distract The Big Show.

So who will win? I predict that The Big Show will take out Mark Henry but the ruckus between the two ends up slightly hurting AJ. Show goes to check on her (this is presuming they break the cage) and AJ stands up and kicks him in the nuts. Bryan gets a few chair shots in, rolls him into the ring and makes Show tap.

Bryan and AJ celebrate… the new heel couple.

WINNER: DANIEL BRYAN

John Cena v Kane

This has been a storyline I’ve not cared much for but it’ll be an interesting match. Cena’s angry poopface indicated that he was starting to snap and all along Kane has been trying to get him to embrace the hate.

I think this match will end with Cena getting DQ’d… he goes too far and really rips into Kane. Referees, trainers etc and throws aside by a furious Cena who then pulverises Kane. Cena is finally held back and realises what he’s become whilst Kane gets up on his feet, laughs and sets off his pyro… his mission complete.

WINNER: KANE

So, they’re my predictions… what are yours? Hit me up!

Code Red

Before I even got chance to watch Smackdown, I was alerted to the fact there would be a Cody Rhodes/Justin Gabriel match. I was, quite frankly, wet with anticipation. The match-up didn’t disappoint and I had to watch it 4 times to see the whole thing as I kept getting, um, distracted. Here’s hoping that once the Goldust stupidity is over, C-Rho and J-Gay whip themselves up a little feud.

This match, along with others, have all been screencapped for your viewing pleasure.

XO-WB

Happy Wanksgiving

Hey everyone.

So Smackdown was as delicious as a tender Thanksgiving Turkey. I’ve put together a sexual gallery but I must warn you that some images are slightly blurry.

You can’t have everything.

XO-WB

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