This week’s Raw was actually quite enjoyable. I am, however, a super McFahon (that’s a Fan of the McMahon Family) so any appearance by any of them was always going to bolster my enjoyment. It was also the first 3 hour Raw. I’m currently reviewing the way I recap because 3 hour Raws are going to be a bitch to do in this current format. So if you’ve any ideas, let me know.
The show opened with J-Lau who was surprisingly chipper considering he was having a job evaluation. It’s been a point of contention amongst WWE fans because we’re all pretty sure Vince got stripped of his day to day duties. But, it’s Vince so I decided to let it go. Before J-Lau could get past even introducing himself, Vince’s music hit and the crowd went wild. I love Vince’s strut and often try to emulate it but I was chastised for mocking Cerebral Palsy so had to stop. Vince even did a backwards strut; it was a thing of beauty.
In the ring, J-Lau extended his hand but Vince refused noting that he didn’t know where it’d been. Ooh, bitch please. Vince then waved away J-Lau’s insistence that he was an astute businessman blaming him for the 2 lawsuits that came with the Lesnar signing. I was torn here because, technically, it was Triple H’s fault but at the same time… Brock Lesnar is a prick. Vince then continued explaining that The Big Show’s signing was also a bad idea as he’s not performed effectively since 1999. I found this ironic on the same night in which The Great Khali in a number one contender’s match was deemed a good idea. More on that later.
The party was then interrupted by Sheamus. Sheamus came to the ring and it seemed like he was going to defend J-Lau but he actually launched into a tirade against him. This was interrupted by Vince who announced that “#firejohnny” was trending worldwide. This is what we’ve come to; the Chairman of WWE announcing hashtags live on air. In led me to wish that Vince had a Twitter too but I guess the parody accounts can tide me over.
It all came to an end when Vince warned J-Lau that he had to impress or he will be fired. Vince then left the ring on J-Lau’s scooter which he then drove off the stage. RIP Scooter. J-Lau vowed revenge on Sheamus announcing he’d have a match against… Lord Tensai. Eurgh.
The Tensai match sucked and Sheamus got the win. Backstage, Vince, J-Lau and Teddy discussed who might be Del Rio’s replacement at No Way Out. Vickie interrupted suggesting her two clients get in on the action. It was then left to Teddy to suggest a Fatal Fourway… Ziggler, Swagger, Christian and… THE GREAT KHALI. FREAKIN’ KHALI?! The only push he should be getting is in a wheelchair. He can barely walk. Vince declared it a “great” idea. I hope he was being sarcastic.
After the break we were back in the ring where Tensai and his Japanese Lover Sakamoto were standing awkwardly. It appeared as if though they’d waited an entire ad break for something. Turns out, it was for Tensai to beat up his lover. It was like Brokeback but breathy-ier and just plain weird. Obviously, this was an attempt to make Tensai seem domineering but it just came across as two angry lesbians having a fall out.
Backstage once more to R Truth and Matt Striker. Truth was basically sounding off about Big Show saying that he’s going to lose against Cena. This didn’t go down so well with Big Show, who knocked Truth out with the WMD. I must admit, I’m not keen on the Big Show angle but the WMD is a bad ass move.
A rare mixed tag match was next with Santino Morella teaming with Layla to face the team of Beth Phoenix and Alberto Del Rio’s personal ring announcer… Ricardo Rodriguez. The match was actually pretty fun and it seemed to be the Divas wrestling properly and the two men joking outside. The joking was actually quite fun and Ricardo running into the ring post was a personal highlight. However, Beth annihilated Layla with the GlamSlam to pick up the win. Afterwards, Santino and Ricardo tussled which led to Santino angrily tearing open Ricardo’s shirt. However, things got super homo as it was revealed that Ricardo was wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt underneath. Brilliant.
Backstage, David Otunga began complimenting Vince on his physique and suggested that, if J-Lau were to be fired, he’d be the perfect replacement. This didn’t go down well with Vince who announced that he hates lawyers. An angry Kofi stormed in, wanting Big Show’s blood for beating up his partner. J-Lau intervened announcing Kofi as Show’s opponent in a warm-up cage match.
Daniel Bryan then made his way to the ring. He said that he was the obvious winner because he wasn’t being distracted like Punk and Kane were. The reason for the distraction? AJ. Bryan said that AJ may still love him but he feels nothing for her. He also made a great joke that 2nd base for Kane is someone not throwing up when they look at him. He then made the proclamation that “one you’ve gone Bryan, there’s no point in tryin’. He ACTUALLY said that. I actually used to have a saying like that myself “One sexy night with me, you’ve definitely got an STD”.
Punk then interrupted saying that Bryan was delusional and questioned how AJ could love anybody who had a “goatface”. Kane then came out to reel off a strange CV which included electrocuting Shane McMahon’s testicles. AJ then ran to the ring, wanting them to stop arguing. She told Kane that deep down she knew he had a heart, she told Bryan that she will always love him and she told Punk that well, HE’S JUST SOOOOO CUTE AND FRICKIN’ AWESOME!11. I must be fair to AJ, that’s how I react every time Dolph or Cody are on my screen. J-Lau’s face then appeared on the titantron where he announced that Kane and Bryan will team up against Punk and… AJ. Ooooh.
Then it was Fatal Fourway time. After the real wrestlers got rid of Khali who made things so slow I had to check my TV settings, it all got very awesome. Dolph was magnificent as always but there were some great near falls and submissions. The big scandal was Dolph screwing over Swagger to eliminate him. Obviously, the pull away from Team Vickie continues. It was then down to Christian and Dolph. And I am thrilled to say that DOLPH WON! HE ACTUAL WON! HE COULD BECOME CHAMPION! I’m not getting ahead of myself but I’ve bought a bottle of champagne just in case.
Backstage once more and Vince was cornered by Natalya who wanted him to bring back the Hart Family in some sort of reunion. Vince looked as interested in that proposition as I would be a lesbian three-way. Vince walked away but was interrupted by Naomi and Cameron aka the Funkadactyls. They wanted Vince to overturn J-Lau’s decision to remove Brodus from Raw and only have him on Smackdown. Vince, however, refused to overturn the decision. The two girls were upset but decided to instead get funky with Vince in what is one of my favourite moments ever. The entire thing was capped off by Zack Ryder whose shocked face was absolutely brilliantly timed and executed. The excitement on his face when Vince fist pumped the air yelling “woo woo woo” was just brilliant. It’s also the face I pull every time someone on WWE gets a wedgie.
Ryback then squashed two more thin, weedy wrestlers. I don’t understand how WWE thinks that makes him look tough. It’s like a jock beating up two nerds. It isn’t tough or cool, it’s weak and cowardly. I wish it’d stop as it’s getting boring. WWE has too much of this going on. We’ve got Sin Cara defeating everyone, we’ve got Big Show knocking everyone out, we’ve got Tensai throwing his weight around and Ryback doing the same. It’s getting boring, very quick and it isn’t how you build someone. Look at Ziggler. He loses most of his matches yet his in-ring skill and character are so good… he doesn’t need to win to be a winner.
Things went from bad to worse as, backstage, Vince and Hornswaggle mocked JR. The guy is a WWE Legend. He’s popular with fans. To mock his Bell’s Palsy isn’t fair and disrespectful. I don’t approve at all.
Cena then showed up to suggest that Vince should do the right thing and fire J-Lau. Vince told Cena to worry about himself and not get involved in the Kofi/Show cage match. Cena reassured Vince that he wouldn’t do so as Kofi had already asked him not to. Convenient. Otunga then turned up again and things got awesome as Vince, after declaring Otunga a sycophant, said he’d never respect anyone who could actually pucker up and kiss and guy’s ass. We then cut to an annoyed looking William Regal.
It was then time for the Big Show/Kofi Kingston cage match. It was exactly as expected and Kofi was utterly destroyed. But hey, we got to hear CAGE MUSIC! WOO!
Sin Cara then defeated Curt Hawkings in a “no shit Sherlock” conclusion.
Daniel Bryan and Vince then spoke backstage and Vince awkwardly mocked Bryan for not looking like a superstar and losing in 18 seconds. Bryan looked pissed and it was confusing really because we’re meant to hate Bryan but that made us hate Vince. But then I realised it was the WWE and just kind of glossed over it in my brain. Along with eating, it’s my coping mechanism.
Then came a nice surprise. The one-off return of Vader! Vader went up against Heath Slater and the man is looking GREAT. He moves better than Khali! It was a great match which he, of course, won to celebrate 1000 episodes of Raw.
Backstage once more and Punk warned AJ not to do anything crazy. Her nodding made it seemed like she understood but the look in her eyes said otherwise.
That match was up next and it was actually pretty good. Punk tried his best to ensure AJ wasn’t tagged in but Punk was shoved into her and the referee registered the tag. The crowd waited with baited breath to see what Kane would do to her but well, she jumped on him, wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him. That’s right. She made out with him. Kane immediately tagged himself out and left the ring to allow Punk to get tagged in and pin Bryan for the win.
Then it was the big decision; would Vince fire J-Lau. I began to contemplate a world without people power and a tear fell from my eye. J-Lau came out and tried to defend himself but it was clear Vince was gearing himself up for a firing. It looked as if it was about to happen until Big Show made his way to the ring. Show tried to defend J-Lau but this was all interrupted by John Cena.
Cena didn’t seem to care so much for the HR nightmare in the ring but instead told Show that he’d made a grave mistake. See, Show has been blaming everyone for his downfalls so if he loses to Cena, he’s only got himself to blame. And, he’ll have to work the rest of his contract knowing that he’s a sell out. The heated words got to Big Show who went for Cena. Security Guards were scattered everywhere as the two men went to brawl. As Vince went to break it up he was met instead by the WMD, knocking him out.
This was on the anniversary of the great Limo explosion which we thought killed Vince but actually didn’t. But, if you looked at Cena’s face… the punch might’ve.
So that was the first 3 hour Raw and my hand hurts doing this recap. Expect a different format next week!
Until then,
XO-WB
Wrestlebitch.com 