So this week’s RAW was an interesting one and you know what? I enjoyed every second of it. I’m not loving the Kane superpower thing nor the Jericho return but things are certainly improving.
The show began with a recap of the whole “dragged into hell” thing from last week. Then Kane came out and said how he was angry people weren’t embracing the hate. He said that we all wake up next to our wives and we’re filled with hate. He said we deal with our kids and filled with further hate. I don’t have a wife or any kids so what am I filled with? Ah yes; doughnuts, vodka and sadness. He continued that when people chant Cena Sucks that we’re actually saying that WE suck. I do suck. I suck good, gurl. He said that it’s time Cena faced the consequences of not embracing hate.
Then Cena came down and was all “oh really?” then ran to the ring. He and Kane went at it and the fight went backstage, through the area, to a loading dock. The two traded punches and Cena grabbed a crowbar and hit Kane around the knees. Kane threw Cena into a bunch of boxes and then disappeared. I HATE when men do that.
Next up was Sheamus & Santino Morella vs Wade Barrett & Jinder Mahal. I’ve no idea why they bother giving Mahal a push. His character is stale and the whole angry Indian thing is so over-done it’s not even funny. The match, however, was won when Santino hit the cobra. That’s right, Santino picked up a win. Trust me, this wasn’t the strangest thing of the night.
We went backstage once more this time to The Miz who wasn’t very happy with my new BFF and SMS-Master John Laurinaitis or as I call him, J-Lau. J-Lau laughed off Miz’s issues saying that he had bigger fish to fry. Miz said that R Truth was out of control and he needed security. J-Lau denied this request and told him to find his own. Then came the killer line, he said he wasn’t being a Little Jimmy… he’s Big Johnny! HA! J-Lau, you’re killing me dude.
We then had the first announcement for who was to be inducted into the Hall Of Fame. The first inductee was to be Edge. Congrats!
Backstage once more to The Miz trying to convince Mason Ryan to be his bodyguard. Either that or he was asking for a blow job because Ryan looked dressed for a night at a gay bar. Ryan laughed off the request and went into the locker room.
We then went further backstage to Zack Ryder who was telling his Dad that he’s scared about Kane but excited about Eve. Eve then turned up and Ryder asked her out on a date. An awkward pause later, and Eve accepted. The two were set to go after Eve’s big match with Beth Phoenix. Eve left, followed by Ryder but they weren’t allow because a door swung open and, I swear to God I don’t make this shit up, Kane peered around the side of the door. I mean, it was frickin’ hilarious.
It was match time with Kofi Kingston going up against a shady Daniel Bryan. Shady because on Smackdown he had a title match against The Big Show and got himself DQ’d by winding up Mark Henry who was breathing heavily into the microphone on commentary. So the match was over in a flash with Kofi tapping out to the LeBell Lock. It was pretty much a Divas Match (oh no he didn’… oh yes I did).
After the match The Big Show came out to confront the shady D-Bry about what he was playing at on Smackdown. Bryan immediately apologised and said that he wishes it didn’t end that way. Show said that’s a good job as they have a no-DQ, no-countout rematch. Uhhh ohhh.
Then it was time for the debut we’ve all been waiting for. Brodus Clay. For weeks we’ve been teased that the big man would eventually return and lo and behold this time he would. Things started off a little weird as Justin Roberts bellowed “making his much anticipated debut, from the planet funk weighing in at…” So for a moment I sat there, confused. The planet funk? I laughed it off as silly America but then he continued “the Funkasaurus, BRODUS CLAY”. The next 5+ minutes were a blur of red velour, strange dance moves and flashing lights. Brodus had returned as what seemed like The Godfather if he had a thyroid problem. He beat Curt Hawkins in a squash match and then danced some more. It was so, so, so strange but oh so good. Like trying anal for the first time or that thing I did with my cousin.
Things got weirder as we were subjected to Zack Ryder brushing his teeth in a sink. When Zack bent down to spit (hello!) we saw Kane in the corner. It was like George Michael had gone a bit crazy and put on a mask. This entire thing is becoming a bit of a homo-erotic horror movie.
Meanwhile, away from crazy land, The Miz approached Primo and Epico and asked for their services to protect him. It’s funny because used condoms provide better protection than these two morons. The two men went away and Miz was left reeling, only for CM Punk to come along and laugh at him. Miz used to be a WWE Champion. Now he’s just a chump. Me no likey.
Next was CM Punk v Jack Swagger. Before the match got under way, my BFF and SMS-Master J-Lau came down to the ring. He said that he wanted the Royal Rumble to be a fair bout so if Punk won, both Jack Swagger and Vickie Guerrero would be banned from ringside. He also told Dolph he has a match against Cena. Then he went to stand and watch the match. Such a good guy, supporting Punk the way he is.
The match actually was pretty good and Swagger got to show off his skills since he doesn’t get much chance otherwise. J-Lau spent most of the night texting. He was texting me, btw. The match ended somewhat strangely when the ref mis-counted a 3 count giving CM Punk the win. Many people thought it was a genuine error but I didn’t think so somehow. I think this whole thing is going to be hotly contested. J-Lau then took to the apron to congratulate Punk on his win. SUCH A GOOD GUY!
Backstage, Cena and his new boyfriend (he’s SO over you Orton so stop sending him pictures of your dong) Zack Ryder were chatting. Zack wanted to thank John for supporting him so much and Cena was all “no problem sexy, come here whilst I kiss you”. Ok, that MAY have been the subtext I was seeing. Either way, it was a dumb segment.
Going backstage seemed to be the theme of the night; I was comfortable of this as the backstage is my favourite place to enter. This time it was Ricardo Rodriguez and The Bellas. The Bellas had made Ricardo come to the arena to give him a message to give to Alberto Del Rio. Clearly these bitches are too stupid to use Facebook. They were interrupted by The Miz who wanted Ricardo’s services. He ordered Ricardo to the ring to insult R Truth or he’ll like, totally get beatings. Ricardo complied and made his way to the ring.
Meanwhile, The Four Horsemen were announced as the next inductees to the Hall Of Fame. Cue the internet going wild with THAT MEANS CHRIS BENOIT, THE MURDERER, IS IN THE HALL OF FAME. No. No it doesn’t. Shut up. It does mean that Ric Flair will be inducted twice. I reckon he probably pawned his first ring.
After that poor Ricardo made his way to the ring to wind up R Truth. He was literally a dead man walking. He said that R Truth’s mother was ugly (ooh bitch) and that Truth had bad breath. Something, I believe, to probably be true. I mean, the man has gold teeth. That’s never a good sign of oral hygiene. I’ll pause a second to ponder thing; when did Ricardo start speaking English? I mean, I know he was out of action after falling off that ladder at TLC but is a Rosetta Stone DVD that quick? Back to the action, R Truth came out and said Little Jimmy had told him Ricardo was a good guy. Then we learnt that the R in R Truth stood for Racist. He made Ricardo sing La Cucaracha. That’s right. Ricardo got really into it and we even got a rrrremix. I had a feeling Mason Ryan had requested the remix. The gays love a remix. Truth then decided he wanted to hear it again “one ‘gain” he said. Ricardo shook his head. “UNO… gain”. OK. This shit is funny. Ricardo stupidly slapped Truth’s mic out of his hand and I feared that we were about to see some sort of Mexican cartel style fight go down but, instead, R Truth just beat on him. The Miz then came to the rescue and beat down Truth. Truth, however, soon bounced back and Miz ran for the hills. Well, the stalls.
After that it was Chris Jericho time. I’d made it clear last week that I wasn’t digging the return of Y2J and that I felt he dragged it out too far last week. Needless to say, the world disagreed with me. But I stand by my dislike. I’m allowed. Jericho came out and did his mugging of the crowd but this time he changed it up. He began crying. This, I LOVED. We’ve seen promo after promo of guys returning or guys leaving where they sobbed in the ring as the crowd cheered. Jericho pounded his chest, a la Edge, to show his thanks. He then left without a word. It lasted a short of amount of time and it just worked so much better. I’m starting to come around.
Then it was time for Divas action. Eve made her way to the ring to face Beth Phoenix to earn a shot at the title. But when it was Beth’s turn to come out, Kane’s music and pyro hit and Eve stood scared… there was nowhere to go. The ever loving Zack Ryder ran out and rescued Eve. The couple ran to the back in what became a horror movie. I was half expected Eve to break her leg and their overconfident black friend to die. They went to their car in which Ryder discovered a flat tire. Oh no! Who could’ve done that (?!). Eve got into the car and Ryder went about changing the tyre.
Then it was the main event in what promised to be a real homo-erotic affair. Cena vs Dolph. The match actually was really good but it ended when we were shown backstage once more as Ryder desperately tried to fix the tyre. I, personally, would’ve just ran to the front of the area and hailed a cab but hey… I’m no broski. Cena watched, confused but then out of nowhere came Kane! Kane began beating on Ryder and Ziggler held back Cena from rescuing his boyfriend. Cena was forced to watch as Kane chokeslammed Ryder off the edge of the loading bay into a bunch of crates. You could say, Ryder was made to embrace the crate.
Cena slammed Ziggler into some stairs and ran to rescue Ryder. He was intercepted by Kane who did the hand smothering thing. We ended with a close up of Ryder and Cena both unconscious. It rocked.
So I loved this week’s RAW but what did you think? Hit me up, gurl.
XO-WB
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