Hey!
As our 1st Birthday looms closer, I wanted to offer you a new way of getting the recap.
So I thought and thought and thought I’d try audio!
Enjoy the first (and maybe last) ever Bitch Broadcast.
If you like it, let me know, I’ll make more.
XO-WB
Or, right-click this link and save target as.
So Raw was another lively event! I must say, Raw is really gearing up. I may not be a fan of Brock Lesnar but I certainly can’t deny that he’s added a new depth to it, a new excitement. I just wish the WWE could do that with actual superstars but whatevs. I’ll take what I can get. So what went down? Well read on!
Raw began with my own personal hero J-Lau who has a super awesome Dynasty-esque entrance music. J-Lau wanted everyone to know that Brock is back to add a new level of legitimacy to WWE and he was now the new face of WWE. Many people have wondered why J-Lau hates Cena so much. Well, when CM Punk won the WWE title at Money In The Bank, J-Lau and Vince McMahon had attempted a re-do of the Montreal Screwjob. Cena interrupted this, punching J-Lau in the face. J-Lau vowed vengeance and, well, he got it.
He called out Brock who basically said that he was now top dog and that J-Lau had made a great decision. Not happy with this sort-of orgy, Cena interrupted the party. He then started mouthing off at Brock and then proceeded to slap him in the face. Brock retaliated by delivering several punches to Cena, one which bust his lip open. A bloody Cena and an enraged Brock were pulled apart by the entire locker room. What I wouldn’t give to have that many men on top of me… again.
Later, backstage, an enraged J-Lau blamed Teddy Long because he was meant to keep Cena contained. This, obviously, super failed. Then my other new personal hero Eve entered and J-Lau offered her a one-to-one. Eve told him to call her. It was totally legit, you guys.
The first match of the night was Funkasaurus Brodus Clay & Santino Morella vs Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger. If you remember, last week, Brodus got all up in Dolph’s grill with a headbutt. It’d seem that this match would deliver a similar fate. It’s nice to see Brodus given a chance to stretch his legs rather than just shimmying them. Ziggler was bouncing around all over the place but ended up falling fowl to Brodus jumping on top of him for the win. I hope this doesn’t put Ziggler off being mounted.
Backstage, a bloody-mouthed Cena told J-Lau that he should keep trying. He said that he loves hitting and he loves being hit. Who knew Cena was so kinky? Anyways, he said that a bit of blood isn’t going to stop him (his poor wife!) and that he wanted a match and J-Lau can choose his opponent. J-Lau chose Otunga. Yeah… me neither.
Backstage further, we saw Santino looking for guest hosts The Three Stooges. I was hoping they’d be unable to make it. Anyways, Santino didn’t find The Three Stooges and ended up bumping into Kane who was inexplicably stood in a corner.
The second match of the night went to Cody Rhodes vs R Truth. I like to call Cody “Bulgy” on account of his bulge. What? This was never a thinking-man’s blog. The match went ahead as normal and it seemed Cody was going to pick up the win until The Big Show interfered again. This time it was to show Cody footage of him showing Cody footage. It was like Inception but I had an erection this time. This was enough to distract Cody, allowing R Truth to pick up the win. DAMN YOU BIG SHOW, DAMN YOU TO HELL.
Backstage, Santino finally found The Three Stooges in a box. What ensured was “hilarity”. I use quotations because it wasn’t funny. In all fairness though, they had a great “think outside the box” gag. Like I said, not a thinking-man’s blog.
The next match-up was to be Yoshi Tatsu vs Lord Tensai. One of these men is Japanese. The other is a slightly racist cartoon-y Japanese wannabe. Tensai did his usual schtick of being the living hell out of Yoshi. Problem being is that nobody cares about Yoshi Tatsu so the crowd don’t hate Tensai enough. I have a feeling they’re going to re-work him a bit, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he disappeared off Raw for a while.
Next up was round 2 of CM Punk v Mark Henry. Before the match got underway though, Punk wanted to share his emotions with the crowd. Usually when people show their emotions I ignore them and end the relationship but I’d lost my TV remote so was forced to listen. Punk basically said that being covered in whiskey made him smell like his Dad when he got home from “work”. It could be worse; he could’ve poured semen and cigarettes over him and made him smell like his sister. Jericho then appeared on screen to yell at Punk, infer he was hungover and that he was now “CM Drunk”. LOL Chris, you so punny.
The match got going but Jericho causes the distraction by mincing down the ramp with some unrecognisable brand of beer. Henry pretty much decimated Punk and then Jericho added insult to injury by pouring cheap beer all over him.
It was then time for the weekly dose of “hey, remember when he was doing well?” when Zack Ryder went up against Alberto Del Rio. Ryder barely got an offence in apart from his awesome Broski boot (which totally looks like it connects every time. I’m not being sarcastic, shit is cray-cray). Ryder ended up falling victim to Del Rio’s arm breaker and tapping out. Wah wah wahhhhhh.
It was then 3 Stooges time. One of them was missing as he had a “big idea”. It turns out this entire segment was just totally awesome. They played the Hulk Hogan entrance music and the crowd went wild and Will Sasso came out dressed like Hogan. He then did an AMAZING Hogan impression. Honestly, I was in hysterics. I hate myself for it but, don’t judge me, girl. There was one person who didn’t like it though; Kane. He came out and chokeslammed him. Rude.
Backstage, Mark Henry vowed he’d become World Heavyweight Champion by beating CM Punk. ERMMMM, might be a tad difficult, Mark. Punk’s WWE Champion. FOOL.
Backstage once again, Lesnar said that John Cena couldn’t even hold his jockstrap. Ew, who’d want to? It probably smells like manure and chewing tobacco. However, if Cody Rhodes or Dolph Ziggler would like to send me theirs… I’d happily accept. Lesnar kept referring to John Cena as “pretty”. He’s kind of like a Prison top dog. I also think Lesnar might be a little gay. Just sayin’… here comes the pain is probably an anal reference.
This lead us into our main event which would be David Otunga vs John Cena. Otunga entered wearing what can only be described as literally a crate of baby oil. The dude looked so shiny, it’d looked like he’d been carved out of wet clay. Cena was on fine form and the match wasn’t actually so bad. J-Lau sat ringside, texting and tweeting. I’d call him rude but that’s what I do quite regularly now. Almost got hit by a truck… worth it.
Cena managed to pick up the win but this joy was short lived as Brock saw fit to kick Cena in the nuts and hit the F5 on him.
All in all an interesting Raw. The Three Stooges weren’t as sucky as I imagined but I find it a little odd that the theme of Raw at the moment is “legitimacy” and then they have them guest host. But WWE has always been a big old box of contradictions.
Until next time,
XO-WB
Hey hey! Hope you’re all having a fantastic Easter. Mine was somewhat boosted by the release of pictures of Zac Efron’s naked ass! Ok, I may have typed that for the google hits but whatevs. Let’s get down to wrasslin’. More specifically, Raw. Now, before I begin I was wrestling (get it?) my conscience over whether or not to include a certain person in my blog. This person is a known homophobe who actually said the words “I hate gays”. However, that was in 2004 and well, he wouldn’t be the first gay hater in WWE. So, I’ve decided to include him in my blog. Not in my galleries though because he’s just icky. Anyways, if this blog is your own source of WWE info then well, I guess we’ll get to him later.
Raw came off of a fantastic Wrestlemania and we were still in Miami. Before the show began, new General Manager/Overlord J-Lau wanted to address the entire locker room. Everyone was there although Kelly Kelly didn’t seem to understand why. She just sat looking confused the entire time. Anyways, J-Lau announced that this would be the era of People Power. His first act? Announcing a triple threat match for the US Title. It was to be Santino v Dolph v Jack Swagger. It was a match made for the people and nothing at all to do with the fact that Santino was on Team Teddy. Nuh-uhhh. Before J-Lau could continue, someone spoke out. That someone was CM Punk who went on to call our hero a “toolbox”. Kinda rude, don’cha think? The answer to that? Well J-Lau stuck him in a WWE Title match against Mark Henry. J-Lau bringing the J-LOLs.
The talky-talky continued but this time in the ring with the arrival of The Rock. I must say, I was surprised he was there but that wouldn’t be my only surprise. The Rock went on saying his usual spiel about FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK… etc etc. The crowd lapped it up like a dog licking peanut butter off my balls. I mean, someone’s balls. Rock congratulated John Cena on a great match and said that when Cena had him in the STF he was thinking JHC which means Jesus H Christ. WWE bleeped out the word Christ. WTF WWE? Rock actually had me onside and was rather charming, saying it was an honour to work with him. Rock then cracked a joke about going dancing to which an audience member whistled. “Thank you for whistling” Rock laughed “although it was a dude… John Cena fan?” he giggled. Really, Rock? You know what’s worse? He isn’t even the homophobe I was referring to in the opening paragraph. Way to “B A Star”. I switched off momentarily to add The Rock to my “people I hate” list but tuned back in where he announced he wants to be WWE Champion. Ohhhh God. Major props to the crowd though. How on fire were they? Oh and it appears yes, yes, yes! Is the new “what?” Thank Jeebus, the whole WHAT thing was getting old.
The first match of the night was between Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & Santino Morella. There seemed to be little discussion of what’d happen between Dolph and Swagger who are stablemates. Well, we soon found out when Ziggler went for the pin. An argument ensued and Swagger ended up hitting Ziggles with the belly-to-belly. I hate when friends fight, but it was nice to see it happen on TV and not on Facebook like my other friends. Santino managed to capitalise on the bromance break-up and hit the Cobra on Swagger for the win. The two boys finally reunited and went after Santino. They were met by Brodus Clay. The Funkasaurus dared one of them to run after him. Ziggler did so and ended up getting headbutted pretty much through the stage. It looked awesome.
The second match was the debut of Lord Tensai who you may know as Prince Albert or A-Train or… well, he’s been a lot of things. The gimmick is slightly racist and I feel that it’s not going to be Japan-easy for Tensai to win over the crowd. He did manage a win over Alex Riley though. It was nice to see A-Ry back on our screens. Briefly. Getting squashed. Hey, gurl, if you’re reading.
The match was followed by CM Punk v Mark Henry. The crowd were going wild chanting YES! YES! YES! I’m sure Mark Henry expected it, he’s often mistake for Daniel Bryan. The match was surprisingly amazing and Mark Henry was in full Mark Henry mode. I’d like to see it more often. Don’t you just love it when he yells things? It might have something to do with how often I yell things at people, especially co-workers, but when he does it, I get tingles. Anyways, the match ended on a count out after Henry threw up to the outside. Punk began coughing and spluttering in what looked like great acting until the cameras zoomed in on him coughing up blood. Perfect timing, as always, J-Lau made his way to the stage to tell him that the worst wasn’t over and that a natural disaster was coming. I presume he meant Lindsay Lohan was guest hosting but my gay heart was broken by the arrival of Chris Jericho. Jericho began berating Punk and seemed to be completely oblivious to the two small pools of blood that surrounded his foe. Jericho said Punk should have a drink, grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and poured it over Punk. He then tried to kick him but fell flat on his ass. Oh yeah, and then he smashed a bottle over his head. I mean, the dude was coughing up blood. This isn’t TNA! Anyways, JD was the wrong drink. Everyone knows that if you’re new to drink you should start on Alcopops like WKD. FOOL.
After a quick mopping of the two pools of blood, Sheamus made his way to the ring. I presumed he was going to brag about his 18 second pay day. The crowd, sadly, weren’t on Sheamus’ side… which is probably not too bad now he’s kicking referees in the face. Anyways, before Sheamus could even speak, Alberto Del Rio came out. Alberto Del Rio sucks. There, I said it. I think he sucks in the ring, he sucks on the mic, he just sucks. However, he is accompanied by Ricardo and I love him. Del Rio told Sheamus he wasn’t there to fight but to warn him he wanted a shot at the title. The crowd, who I now love, began chanting “SI! SI! SI!” I love a good crowd. Del Rio’s mic suddenly cut out and, whilst trying to swap it, Sheamus hit Del Rio with the brogue kick. WARRA BITCH.
Backstage, meanwhile, Daniel Bryan was watching the entire thing with AJ who totally ruined everything. The grandmaster of bitchy interviews, Josh Matthews turned up to remind D-Bry that he lost in 18 seconds. He was not best pleased. I love Josh Matthews when he does that. He should have a whole thing. He should turn up to natural disasters and remind people they’ve lost their homes.
The next match was a beauty in maroon Cody Rhodes who appeared to be pouting after his loss. Poor baby. Hope is nuts are OK. His opponent was Kofi Kingston. They were having a good match until The Big Show’s music hit. Big Show had been tortured for weeks by Cody who presented video clips of Show’s most embarrassing Wrestlemania moments. Big Show decided he’d jump on Final Cut Pro himself and played his own version, which we saw Cody losing. Poor Cody looked gutted and things went from bad to worse after Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise for the win. Big Show is SO mean. Don’t listen to him, Coddles.
Backstage, for some reason, was Abraham Washington. He wants Mark Henry as a client. It’s nice to see they’re bringing back managers but the focus should be on Vickie Guerrero who has been doing it for FREAKING MONTHS.
Next out was Eve who wanted to explain her actions. She told the crowd that basically she got her Wrestlemania moment and that Zack Ryder was too easy. I think the girl has a point and I love a woman who manipulates to get what she wants. You go, girl. Eve continued saying that powerful people don’t get manipulated and that if her actions somehow helped J-Lau win then well, that’s all good. Written down this probably sounds like a great promo but Royal Mail have better delivery.
Speaking of Ryder, he had a match against The Miz. It was actually quite good and I think these two would have a great (and totally hot) feud. The Miz picked up the win.
The Main Event went to John Cena who was supposed to “call out” The Rock. Cena looked defeated when he came to the ring and, let’s face it, he was in his promo. Cena said that the better man won and that The Rock was the better man. It was sad to see, because Cena is WAYYYY better than The Rock. It actually was kind of sad like when you see that old dude getting drunk at 9am. Where did it all go wrong, John? Cena continued saying that, despite this, he isn’t going to turn on the WWE Universe. He asked if that’s what people wanted and they chanted “YES! YES! YES!” Cena acknowledged these chants and also the chants for Brock Lesnar. Cena said, however, that he wasn’t there to make excuses, he just wanted to congratulate The Rock in person.
Instead he got Brock Lesnar (yeah, that’s who I meant). Brock looked like total shit but the crowd went wild. Homophobia aside, I don’t actually remember Lesnar being all that great in the ring but clearly he’s here to stay and I’ll probably end up loving him. Brock waddled into the ring and hit Cena with the F-5.
So where does it all go from here? It was a FANTASTIC Raw. Honestly. The atmosphere shone through the screen and I had goosebumps. The Lesnar return wasn’t my favourite but the reaction of the crowd made me care. So many great stories coming up, it’s an exciting time.
Until next time,
XO-WB
OK, so Wrestlemania was about a billion shades of awesome. Everyone’s got their own opinion and well, I am about to give you mine! I loved it for many reasons but what exactly went down? Well, read on.
So the show started with Lilian Garcia. I’ve felt sorry for her recently after the Zack Ryder/Zack Swagger gaffe has exploded over the internet with people writing some rather mean comments. I happen to think Lilian is one of the best announcers of my time but then there is something else she is more talented at; singing. She sang the national anthem and blew me away. I mean, I’m British but I was SO close to joining the US Army. And since Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell doesn’t exist, looking at some of the soldiers I’d have a LOT of fun.
The first match of the night was, surprisingly, Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus. This match has been building for months ever since Sheamus won the Royal Rumble. Royal Rumble winners haven’t always fared too great on the grandest stage of them all and it was clear whose side the audience was on. I’ve not heard that many people shout “YES, YES, YES” since I arranged a gay sex flashmob. They’re like orgies but you dance whilst you’re doing it. So, the bell rings but Daniel isn’t ready. He wants a peck from his lover AJ. Only, once they were done, Sheamus gave Bryan another smacker… with his boot! The match was over and done in 18 seconds and Sheamus was crowned new champion.
I thought that was amazing. People have gone crazy, they’re furious but WWE Fans love an underdog (unless his name is John Cena) and well, Bryan is now that underdog. He was hard-done to and the crowd (as evidenced by Raw) are well and truly behind him. Smart move, WWE.
Backstage Team Johnny assembled and The Miz interrupted trying to give a grand speech. It went down like a fart in a spacesuit. J-Lau, played by Colonel Sanders, appeared to give his team a pep talk. Dolph looked amazing. That’s all you need to know.
The next match was Kane vs Orton. This was more painful than lubeless anal. I swear to God. It was two superstars I didn’t really care about fighting for reasons that were way too vague. The match itself wasn’t that good either but I must admit, I did like finish. Everyone always assumes Orton is going to win big matches, so when Kane chokeslammed him off the top rope I must admit, I got a little tingle in my dingle.
Either way, can Randy Orton disappear and come back with a new personality? Ta.
Backstage once more this time to a seafood buffet where Mick Foley, Santino and some dude from The Deadliest Catch (the non-dead one) were eating crab. Random stuff happened, I got confused but it was still funny! I bet Kelly Kelly is pissed though, isn’t The Deadliest Catch her nickname?
Next was a match I was actually excited for; The Big Show vs Cody Rhodes. Rhodes came out first in a brand new outfit. He looked fiiiiine. First of all, red is a great colour on him and secondly, he has a new robe that literally frames his bulge. Way to know your audience, girl.
The match itself was actually pretty good. I had worried that the size difference would’ve played an issue but it really didn’t. Cody put in some great offense and the match was enjoyable. It can’t have been too enjoyable for Cody’s balls though, after Big Show ploughed into them. A spear to the nuts… kinky. Cody tried to recover but Show hit the WMD for the win.
We then had the Divas match that I didn’t care about. Beth Phoenix teamed up with Eve to take on the team of Kelly Kelly and “celebrity” Maria Menounos. The match was what you expected but there were some high points. It was mostly an exercise in proving that celebrities matter more than people that actually work their butts off all year (Hey, Rock!). Maria was rocking a Greek Flag tee and I was kinda hoping she’d crash like their economy. Sadly, Maria got a roll up pin on Beth for the win. Oh and there was no Kharma either. Sooooo…
Backstage once more, this time to HBK who basically explained that he had Undertaker’s career in the palm of his hand. I’d like to have Cody Rhodes in the palm of mine.
Then it was time for the match I was most excited for, The Undertaker v HHH. End of an era. Possibly end of the streak? Me recapping this won’t do it justice. Quite frankly, if you only watch one match from Wrestlemania then it must be this. HBK added so much to it, he was like the narrator. He was a friend, a fan, not wanting the pain to go on much longer. The anguish in his face, it looked like Chris Beniot had nipped around to say hello to his wife and kids. Amazing match. Gave me goosebumps. Plus, JR was in the booth so that’s always a winner.
Then it was Hall Of Fame time. Honestly? I nipped to the toilet. But I came back in time for Edge’s cute “trying not to cry” face. ADORBS.
Backstage to One Man Rock Band (not a band then, is it?) Heath Slater. I don’t know who he blew to get on Mania but he managed it. Anyways, he spurted some thinly veiled racism to Flo Rida or pushed him into a wall.
It was then time for the team match. Team Johnny v Team Teddy. The Bella Twins each introduced a team. Again, I’ve no idea why. I think WWE just wanted to give everyone a chance. The match itself was, unsurprisingly, a complete clusterfuck. There were too many men and that’s not something I say often.
The match came to an end when Eve jumped into the ring to fist pump alongside Ryder. Ryder got distracted by Eve’s massive hands and allowed The Miz to pick up the win. FYI, how spookily close were my predictions?! Crazy.
So yeah, then Eve gets all apologetic and, when Ryder turned to face her, she kicked him in the nuts. Hilarious. I love evil Eve (AKA Eveil). LONG MAY SHE REIGN.
Then we saw CM Punk backstage where J-Lau walked past. CM Punk muttered a few words of what I’m assuming wasn’t congratulations only for J-Lau to turn the tables. He announced that if CM Punk got himself DQ’d, he’d still lose the belt. OOO, TWIST.
Said match was up next with CM Punk taking on Chris Jericho. I did wonder who would win this and I was pleasantly surprised. I actually loved this match, it was great. It did exactly what it needed to do, it needed to make us believe Punk could lose. And boy did he come close. False finishes happen often but it’s nice to see it done with submissions. Eventually, Y2J tapped out to the Anaconda Vice. Awesommmme. Punk won but there were no losers in this. Except those that didn’t watch.
Then Brodus Clay came out to tell everyone he was gonna call his momma. This then lead to a bunch of dancers dressed as old women on stage dancing. It was actually hilarious and really broke up the levity of the night.
Then the main event but, it being Wrestlemania, the entrances needed to be grand. Sean “Diddy” Combs was first out after being introduced by Justin Roberts. Diddy then introduced MGK. It was like Inception. MGK was actually really good but he was there to (very vocally) support John Cena. I think props need to go to the guy. He knew it wouldn’t be popular and he managed to make it all sound legit. I enjoyed it.
Once Cena was in the ring, it was the turn of Flo Rida who was accompanied by Sia who was dressed like a slutty troll doll. She mimed the entire way through too… tut. Then The Rock made his way to the ring.
OK so the match began and, I hope I’m not alone in this, but it suuuccckkked. The match itself was REAL boring. It very much seemed like they both needed to hit certain moves and the crowd clearly loved it but I was a bit yawny. It all ended when John Cena went for the People’s Elbow and The Rock hit Rock Bottom instead. The Rock won and I hated it. He didn’t need to win. It wasn’t necessary. But, I guess things got worse on Raw.
So that was Mania and, overall, I loved it. It gets bigger and better every year and I think some great stories will come out of it. I’d love to hear what you think though.
Until next time,
XO-WB
This week was Raw’s big “go home” show. There’s no Smackdown this week so they really had to get across what’s coming up. It was a good Raw and an interesting lead in but what went down? Well, read on, girl.
The show started with a match. Not something you see that often in WWE these days but it made a refreshing change. The match was Randy Orton & Sheamus vs Kane & Daniel Bryan. Obviously two Smackdown storylines colliding awkwardly. Ah well, it was a good match. When it comes to leading into Wrestlemania, it was definitely a little nerve wracking looking at some of the bumps the guys were taking. I mean, I’m sure Randy Orton is used to two male bodyparts pouncing off him but Daniel Bryan’s feet are quite as silky smooth.
The match ended when Daniel Bryan’s brainwashed lover, played by a 12 year old girl trapped in a 25 year old girl’s body, stepped in the way of Sheamus. AJ was protecting Bryan from a Brogue kick. The tactic work and the referee escourted her out of the ring. Kane meanwhile struggled onto the apron to deliver a chokeslam. A chokeslam so hard made Kane fall over. Not to worry, I’ve often been able to walk after a good slamming.
After one of many Rock/Cena promos, Michael Cole got in the ring. He announced that he is the official commentator for Team Johnny. Erm, what else would he be? I mean, really? It’s such a dumb title but I guess it makes sense. Actually no. No it doesn’t. He’s been on Team Johnny for weeks. There was literally no need to make it official. Anyways, he then introduced my hero J-Lau who then made an announcement himself; Vickie Guerrero would be the Team Johnny flag bearer. Vickie looked stunning, as always but seemed to struggle keeping hold of the pole. If it were me, I’d practice on Dolph Ziggler.
J-Lau then introduced David Otunga and his ridiculously tiny t-shirt. He looked like the Incredible Hulk had put the washing machine on too high. I imagine it’s a fair impression of what Jennifer Hudson looks like when she falls off the WeightWatchers wagon. Booker T then took to the mic to introduce Teddy Long. Who then introduced Santino. Basically, everyone got introduced.
Then we actually got a match. It was a short one with Santino picking up the win with the Cobra. There was the usual GM ruckus which ended with Teddy and Santino tripping J-Lau up. J-Lau went crazy and Santino went to hit him with the Cobra but was hit with a Skull Crushing Finale by The Miz instead. YEY! J-Lau announced that The Miz would be on Team Johnny. Well, he actually said “congratulations on joining Team Teddy” but we knew what he meant. Thank. God. Can you imagine ‘Mania without The Miz? It’d be horrible. Anyways, Team Johnny celebrated as Vickie limply waved the flag.
The next match was Kelly Kelly vs Eve who was accompanied by Beth Phoenix. The WWE has decided this year to yet again ruin the Divas by adding an unknown celebrity. Just thought I’d remind everyone of the sorry state of the Divas Division. I can’t wait for Kharma to come back but obviously, her personal life is of more importance right now. The match was so-so and it’s a shame Eve’s wrestling repertoire isn’t as big as her hands. Kelly Kelly won with the worst roll-up in history.
Then it was CM Punk v Christian. As Punk made his way to the ring, Chris Jericho appeared on the titantron. He announced that Punk was a professional and personal fraud and that he’d exposed Punk’s shady family. He said that there was one family member left… his mother. Turns out Punk’s mother is actually morally together so Jericho instead decided to reveal that Punk’s parents got married after he was born making him a bastard. What century is this? Who cares?
Punk then took his aggression out on Christian and ended up hurting him. Christian is said to have reinjured his neck but I’ve no idea if it’s real or fake. It just looked painful. Not to worry Christian, if you need a massage Punk’s sister will oblige. And if you throw her an extra $20 she’ll give you a happy ending.
This was then followed by Brodus “Funkasaurus” Clay beating Curt Hawkins.
We then got a squash match in the form of The Big Show v Primo. For those who don’t know who Primo is he’s um, well… basically, he’s… he’s definitely a superstar. In all fairness, he’s one half of the Tag Team Champions which is currently about as great an honour as winning AIDs Patient Of The Year. Show easily beat Primo and was then ambushed by Epico who he chokeslammed immediately. Way to rebuild the tag division, Mr COO.
Cody Rhodes (*swoon*) then made his way to the ramp where he announced that he was going to make The Big Show’s name a verb to mean “fucked up” or “shit”. He obviously didn’t put it that way but this blog ain’t PG.
We then got a promo for Lord Tensai who is apparently Prince Albert. That should be interesting. I will now call him JapanA-Train.
Backstage, The Bella Twins were arguing over which team was better (Teddy or Johnny). Zack Ryder then went over and ended up insulting them. After they walked off to cash their pay cheque for standing and talking, Eve walked over to Zack to explain she was hoping they’d share a hotel at ‘Mania. I has theories but you’ll have to wait for my predictions article (out tomorrow!).
Backstage further to where Josh Matthews interviewed CM Punk. Punk basically said he wasn’t a bastard, he’s the best in the world.
Our next match was Mark Henry v The Great Khali. It was what you’d expect but J-Lau and Teddy were at ringside. Mark Henry won the match with a World’s Strongest Slam on Khali. Afterwards, J-Lau threw Teddy into the ring. He then called out the rest of his team to guard the ring. Henry and Teddy wrestled awkwardly for a while whilst Team Johnny beat on Team Teddy. Kofi tried to make the save but failed. It was, however, Booker T who managed to gain the save and was officially announced as a member of Team Teddy. I have a feeling I know who will be replacing Christian but again, wait for tomorrow.
The main event was another talky with The Rock coming out first. I actually liked this because; after he got through the bad jokes and bravado he made real sense. He explained that he’s beaten the best of the best like Hogan and Stone Cold and, in order to cement his legacy, he needs to beat Cena too. The whole idea makes great sense and added a whole new level to the match. After saying how he was going to win, Cena then interrupted. Cena explained that the steaks were just as high for him because WWE is his life. The Rock will go back to Hollywood as a star but if Cena loses, his entire life is taken away from him. The idea of that is a little flawed but it’s all to do with legacies and pride. It’s all very deep. Raw ended with them getting close enough to kiss but it never quite happened. Oh well.
Until next time,
XO-WB
OK so, I missed a few things whilst I was away winning elections and rising above hate etc. The one thing I really enjoyed that I missed was The Rock Concert. I mean, come on, it was awesome. I’m totes Team Cena FYI but nothing could’ve beat The Rock’s delivery that night. So, I figured, I’d give it a go myself. Obviously, this is all in text so it’s more text wise. Basically, I’m writing poetry again for reviews. Deal with it, girl. This will now be known as The Bitch Bash.
Tuned into Raw
And to my surprise
CM Punk had anger in his eyes
He wasn’t happy about last week
Oh wait look he’s about to speak
On Raw, yeah talkin’ on Raw
CM Punk’s still as good as before
I know ‘cause he’s talkin’ on Raw
Punk says Jericho stepped out of line
Because he mentioned his Daddy’s crime
Jericho revealed Punk’s Dad’s drunken past
He used to fist beers as often as I fist ass
Yeah Punk, it’s poor old Punk
His Daddy was a crazy drunk
But it’s OK ‘cause he’s CM Punk
Punk got talkin’ but Jericho appeared
He was serious, things got weird
It looked like Jericho was tryin’ to be nice
But then mentioned Punk’s sister’s drugs and vice
Oh fuck, everybody oh fuck
Punk’s sister charges twenty bucks
But only for a tickle and suck
Things got dark and a little hairy
Quite frankly this situation is real scary
Punk says his darkness will soon be revealed
A lot like his sister’s pubic field
So what? Who really gives a fuck?
Punk’s family is real fucked up
But it’s OK because he don’t suck.
Next up was Kane vs The Big Show. The match was interrupted at first by my future husband and resident Big Show troll, Cody Rhodes who showed us a compilation of his “Big Show sucks at ‘Mania” clips. The match got underway and it wasn’t too bad. Big Show even went up top at one point but it wasn’t to be as Cody tried to knock him down. After swatting Cody away, Show tried to turn his attention to Kane. It was all too late, however, as Kane chokeslammed Show from the top rope.
After Kane won, Cody got into the ring with two boxing gloves on and went to down on Show punching him over and over. It was pretty brutal actually. Show couldn’t get up afterwards. I too hope one day that I won’t be able to walk after a good fisting from Cody Rhodes (btw, #fisting is now trending worldwide).
Next up we had a real bore
It was the next chapter in the GM War
Otunga vs Santino was the match
I’d much rather stare at Jennifer Hudson’s snatch
Guess what? Everybody guess what…
This storyline totally sucks
Harder than J-Hud does
The match was average and slow to start
A little bit like Teddy Long’s heart
Teddy knocked J-Lau in his arm
It send his phone into harm
Santino trampled on it and not in jest
There goes Michael Cole’s constant sexts
That’s not hot, we all know that’s not hot
Michael Cole is a massive twot
The thought of him naked is not hot
The action wound down after an Otunga win
Santino was winded and Teddy checked on him
J-Lau gloated and Teddy got in his face
It usually takes defibrillation to make his heart race
But guess what? Hey, you, guess what?
Teddy slapped J-Lau hard
I guess Teddy is a fighter at heart
Next followed a video from The Rock talking about Philadelphia, fighting spirit and cheese steak. It all was randomly awesome.
This was then followed by Daniel “Yes, Yes, Yes” Bryan vs Zack Ryder. Ryder was sure to lose and well, he did.
Cena v Mark Henry was our next match
Henry waddled out lookin’ bad ass
The match went well, what can I say?
Cena won it by hittin’ the AA
But here’s Rock, everybody here’s Rock
Rocky scooped Henry up
He hit the Rock Bottom on that poor shmuck
We then saw a clip of Beth Phoenix and Eve ambushing Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounous. It looks like WWE are following the age old Wrestlemania tradition of making the Divas Match a complete gimmick. We’ve now gone from Jersey Shore to a fame whore. Beth demanded Maria interview them properly and went to attack her. Maria reminded them that they must only fight in the ring. Who is she? I mean, really. Why are people who don’t watch Dancing With The Stars or Extra meant to care? Oh that’s right. She’s got boobs. WWE fans love boobs. *sigh*
The Miz vs Sheamus was our next match but The Miz had a few words to say. Poor Mizzy has been down on his luck and doesn’t seem to be able to catch a break. I guess that coincides with him being unable to catch fellow wrestlers as they tumble outside. Miz said he was determined to get in on ‘Mania and was desperate to get on Team Johnny. Before he could finish what he was saying, Sheamus came out, beat him up and picked up the victory. Oh Miz, it’s not looking good.
Then we had some weird interview with Randy Orton about how he’s still Randy Orton. You’re not Randy. You used to be thrilling, entertaining and engaging. Now you’re boring, mediocre and ageing.
More General Manager madness as Team Johnny (Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger) took on Team Teddy (R-Truth & Kofi Kingston). Vickie and Aksana were also at ringside and things were looking heated between them. Not in a Bischoff “HLA” type of heated but you could tell something brewing. The match, as always with Dolph, was awesome. It ended with Ziggles pinning R-Truth only for R-Truth to get his foot on the rope. Ever the schemer, Vickie knocked Truth’s foot off the rope for Ziggles to pick up the win.
Aksana saw the whole thing in are rare moment of awareness and marched over. She and Vickie then got into a chick fight.
Our Main Event had one theme
It was Undertaker vs The Game
HBK was up on the mic first
Oh my God this guy’s the worst
He sucks, I’m sorry but he sucks
If you retire the door should be shut
Stop ruining my ‘Mania fun
HBK said he knew the result
That at ‘Mania Undertaker’s done
Taker wasn’t happy, and he came out
Have you anymore mascara ‘cause Taker’s out
What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck?
Taker looks like a teenage slut
Who is doing his make-up?
Taker warned Shawn to stay away
That he’s more than had his day
He said if Shawn interferes he’ll see his end
Why the racoon eyes if you’re supposed to be dead?
It sucks, it really, really sucks
To see Undertaker look so rough
I guess he needs to simply stop
HHH soon appeared
He paced around, accidentally spat on his beard
He said he didn’t need Shawn to win his match
Why need Shawn when his wife’ll see to that
Guess what? Everybody guess what?
Triple H is fine no matter what
But Michelle McCool ain’t got no buck
So it ended with Taker about to leave
He was due a sit-down and needed to clean his weave
He smiled at Trips and told him straight
I think HBK is better than you, mate
So what? Seriously, so what?
HBK couldn’t give a fuck
How childish a retort!
So that ends this review
I hoped you liked
Even if you didn’t, I couldn’t give a crap
You perverts only visit for my screencaps
You suck, I hope you know you suck
The most hits I get are for Ziggler’s crotch
When my words are just as hot.
Until next time,
XO-WB
Hey everyone.
So this week’s Raw was interesting because not a lot happened yet, a lot happened. I know that doesn’t make much sense but basically, it was a show that was packed with quality rather than trying to get loads of segments in.
We began with my SMS BFF J-Lau who was coming out after some fantastic work at the Royal Rumble. Now, it was a big night for J-Lau because Triple H was coming to do a job evaluation on him. FYI, these things usually happen in offices rather than in the ring but WWE Corporate policy is rather shady. J-Lau was beaming; I’ve not seen him so happy since he got that new Unlimited Texting plan. He said he had a lot to tell us and boy did he.
He first announced the big Raw Elimination Chamber match. Elimination Chamber is usually a great PPV and also is a really fun stipulation. Anyways, the match will consist of CM Punk, The Miz, R Truth, Kofi Kingston & Dolph Ziggler. A great match. But was that to be all? Oh no. He announced that the big Raw card for the night would be Beth Phoenix vs Eve for the Diva’s Title, The Miz vs Kofi Kingston and… CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan! My God the man is a hero. He was about to announce more but CM Punk interrupted.
See, for some reason, Punk still hasn’t gotten over his dislike for J-Lau. I don’t know his problem but he needs to check his attitude. J-Lau is an AMERICAN HERO, OK?! HE’S A FRICKIN’ GOOD GUY. Sorry, it just… I can’t stand to see such a good guy persecuted like that. Anyways, Punk went on and on about how J-Lau was going to get fired and, get this, J-Lau did nothing except extend his hand to Punk who then threatened him with a GTS. What is his problem? As I thought things couldn’t get any worse, out came Daniel Bryan. Now, Bryan’s new affinity with yelling “yes” all the time is starting to make him look like he’s permanently having an orgasm. SHUT UP.
Bryan told Punk that he is a role model because he doesn’t eat meat and that means he’ll beat Punk. Punk then said “well what do you eat?” To which the answer should be: your mother’s pussy. What the fuck Punk? A gay joke? Really? How about you eat a better script you condescending jackass? *ahem* As things began to heat up, Sheamus then made his way to the ring to say that no matter who wins the Elimination Chamber matches, he will win the title at Wrestlemania, fella.
The first match of the night was Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler. The match was interesting because rather than have an extra guy on commentary, they decided to have Wade Barrett in a private box with Josh Matthews overlooking the ring. I thought this was a great idea not only because it made for interesting viewing but I also like the idea of Josh Matthews entering someone’s box. The match itself was actually pretty good but became quickly overshadowed by Orton’s penchant for trying to tear off the tights of the guys he’s fighting. He almost tore Wade a new butthole at the Rumble and this time it was Dolph’s perky cheeks that were set to tumble out. This meant that, despite that fact he was meant to play dead, Dolph was too preoccupied with covering his ASSets and it wasn’t professional. I may be mad that there wasn’t enough Dolph buttcheek. Orton picked up the win and Dolph picked up the pieces of material stuck in his funzone.
Backstage, J-Lau was saying hello to the staff and bumped into William Regal. He asked how Regal’s son was and the answer he ended up getting was, well… frightening.
The next match was the weekly Funkasaurus beat down and this week’s victim was to be Tyler Reks. Jerry Lawler made a joke that the Funkasaurus was facing T-Reks and I was immediately hooked. That is AWESOME. These guys need to be in a tag team. Can you imagine? They’d be Jurassic Park themed; they could have their own slogan “Boots To Jurassics”. It would be amazing and if WWE don’t do it then I will be forced to create it in my head. YEAH, TAKE THAT WWE. Brodus won, btw but you knew that already.
Backstage once more to CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Bryan was again boasting about being vegan and how it makes him better. Punk said he wasn’t a role model, just the best wrestler in the world. Are we meant to start hating Punk? He called Beth Phoenix a douchebag but I’m starting to think she wasn’t the problem.
Then it was time for the match as Punk and Bryan went head to head. I must admit, it was a real good match which was all kicks and had some real fun “spots”. It was nice to see Bryan so in his element but I must admit I wasn’t cheering for anyone. I hate to get all “analytical” but is anyone else thinking that Punk and Bryan are two of the most one dimensional characters in the WWE at the moment? I’m just becoming a little bored and Bryan’s “yes, yes, yes” heel turn may be working but eventually it has to go somewhere. He drops between face and heel and it just isn’t working.
ANYWAYS BACK TO THE LOLs as Y2J ran to the ring, threw Bryan into a barrier for the DQ and hit the Codebreaker to knock out Punk. It wasn’t that funny but at least they’re finally doing something with him. Yes, I’m referring to the Royal Rumble WHERE THE WRONG PERSON WON.
Oh, oh, here’s something funny. Mike Tyson is in the Hall Of Fame. You heard right. I guess that’s another ring he’ll be touching despite being begged not to. Hahaha. Rape jokes.
Next was the Kofi Kingston v The Miz match that J-Lau had previously promised. Miz made his way to the ring explaining that, despite a few hitches, his Road To Wrestlemania was still on track. Good for you Miz, never give up. R Truth was also involved as he took to announcing. I want this to be considered the first in what I hope will be many campaigns to have R Truth be made a permanent member of the announce team. He was hilarious. Michael Cole kept asking where Little Jimmy was to which R Truth replied “he’s right there”. Hilarious. The match was really good too and Kofi Kingston has gotten a new fire under him, ironically, so has Evan Bourne’s bong. Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise to pick up the win.
Backstage yet again to J-Lau and David Otunga where Otunga let J-Lau know he was rooting for him. So cute. Also, WWE, when are we getting bow-ties and coffee cups on the WWE Shop catalogue? COME ON!
It was Diva’s time then as another match J-Lau promised came to fruition in Beth Phoenix vs Eve for the Diva’s title. It was clear Eve was nervous because she was doing her “I’m nervous face”. It’s the same as her “I’m scared” face which is the same as her “I’m worried” face which is the same as… you get what I mean. Eve is a horrible actress. The match was short and sweet and ended with Beth picking up the win. It wasn’t over there as fire and brimstone descended as Kane made his way to the ring.
It looked like Kane was about to rape Eve or something. I don’t quite know what Kane was going to do. Eve did her best as she shook like a drug addict (hey again Evan!) but Kane didn’t get his way as John Cena ran to make the save.
Cena was like a bitch on heat (hey Kelly Kelly) and beat down Kane hard. He was hooting and hollering as he hit Kane over and over with the steel steps. It looked like it was going to be totally awesome until Cena grabbed a mic and screamed “WE GONNA HAVE A PAAAAAAARTY UP IN HERE”. Really, John, are we gonna? Or am I going to do what I usually do: eat chocolate, cry because I’m alone and almost die of autoerotic asphyxiation. I think I know which one happened. Kane eventually ran away and Cena was all breathless and grinning. If this is him embracing the hate, he might want to tell his face.
Then it was Main Event time which was actually a talky. J-Lau and Triple H got talking for a while and Triple H was rather mean about J-Lau and said he was a really bad GM. I wasn’t buying any of it, perhaps Triple H has been watching TNA instead (bring it, TNA fans). Trips wasn’t going to let J-Lau get off easy and even told J-Lau that there was a way to keep his job… join the Kiss My Ass Club. This is a club I’d happily join as long as it was run by either Cody Rhodes, The Miz, Justin Gabriel or Dolph Ziggler. Make it happen WWE. J-Lau put on some chapstick and puckered up only to be humiliated by Trips who told him he was joking. What… an asshole.
Trips said that the WWE Board of Directors had agreed that he could take over Raw again anytime he wanted and it looked like my precious text buddy was about to be future endeavoured when suddenly it all went dark… lightning struck… and my level of interest in the segment disappeared. That’s right, The Undertaker returned for the 138437th time. I’m not interested for the same reason I’m not interested in The Rock. I don’t see that it’s fair to not bother wrestling for a long, long time and then crop up near Wrestlemania and take a spot in the show that some other Superstar/Diva has been working all year around to earn. I know that’s the business but it’s not like we get continuing storylines out of it. The Rock will return, and then leave and Undertaker will do the same. It isn’t fair. If you’re going to go, go and if you’re coming back then stay.
Undertaker circled Triple H for a while and then pretty much told him he was going to kill him or something.
What did you think of it?
Let me know.
XO-WB
The Royal Rumble was a real controversial event which is why it’s taken me so long to recap. Also, I’ve been super busy leading my secret life as a hands-on underwear salesman to college-age teen boys. The Rumble was certainly one to forget but it wasn’t completely without its memorable moments. Which is a good job, as here is a ruddy recap.
The show started with a Cage Match. It was to be Daniel Bryan v Big Show v Mark Henry for the World Heavyweight Title. The match itself was actually not that bad considering you had one dynamo and two big giants that can’t really do much. Mark Henry got a few good shots in but this match was all about Bryan and The Big Show. Show is still racked with guilt after running over AJ with his moob. I was more than happy, that bitch is annoying. Bryan, however, is just annoying. YES! YES! YES! Yes, he is.
The match came to an end when Big Show surprisingly climbed the cage to stop Daniel Bryan escaping. Big Show had firm grasp of Bryan’s hand but Bryan manage to wriggle free to retain. I mean, OK, it was shorter than it should’ve been and it lacked any amazing moment but let’s be fair… a man lifted another man using one arm. COME ON!
We were then given a John Cena promo package where people all said really nice things about him. I like Cena, he does a lot for the kids and he’s really popular on the Facebook and the Twitter as we’re reminded constantly. HE’S GOT MORE FANS THAN MICHELLE OBAMA!!!11 She’s the first lady guys, lighten up. MORE FOLLOWERS THAN THE DALAI LAMA!!11 He’s a religious figure who you shouldn’t use to gain points, Jesus Christ people. Basically it was a pro-Cena package. I’m also pro-Cena’s package.
The next match was a special HEY MY CLOTHES ARE BRIGHTER THAN YOURS Divas match. It was Beth Phoenix, Natalya and The Bella Twins vs Eve, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox and Tamina. The bad girls were all in blue whilst the good girls all wore orange apart from Tamina who looked like a drag queen. The match was short but it did involve a few good moments like when Kelly Kelly flew into the air. Who knew she was a top? And Beth Phoenix screaming “GET OUTTA MY RING” was also pretty fun. If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that I’d be able to afford a better lawyer in my sexual assault trial. The bad girls won, btw.
From Divas to screamers it was John Cena vs Kane. It was all that embrace the hate/crate/your fate/high interest rate/debate/the fact I’ll be late nonsense that looked like it’d finally come to an end. After what was a pretty mediocre bout, the two men left the ring to duke it out. The referee hit the ten count and both men were counted out. They didn’t care about that though and just carried on fighting. The brawl erupted throughout the arena with Kane tossing off Cena all over the place. Double entendre heyyyyyy. Kane finally managed to dispose of Cena and then went after Zack Ryder who was being staged in what was essentially a poorly constructed sitcom set. After kicking down the door with scary ease, Kane smothered Ryder with his hand and wheeled Ryder down to the ring. Ryder, in the meantime, was doing a weird “disabled” face which made it look like he was mocking the handicap. WOO WOO Woops, I peed myself. Eve ran down to cry a little to add to Ryder’s embarrassment as he was tombstoned. Ever the hero, Cena turned up about 5 minutes to late and got a chokeslam for his troubles. Woopsie. I began to zone out a little as I had spent the previous hour embracing a Vodka bottle.
We were then shown a promo for The Rock. Cena’s promo was about how much he liked the business, how he cared for his fans and didn’t want to do anything else. The Rock’s promoted his new movie and the fact he likes big trucks. Go figure.
Then, for some reason, WWE thought it’d be nice for us to see a Brodus Clay/Drew McIntyre match. No, me neither. Apparently, Drew had requested it from Teddy Long and you can find the full explanation on WWE.com. How about you give me a PPV worthy match… dotcom? Anyway, Brodus won. I love Brodus but he should’ve been in the Rumble.
Then it was the big CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler match. Special Guest Referee J-Lau was the first man into the ring and he explained, in the interest of fairness, that he would be officiating from the outside and a proper referee will call the match. Oh J-Lau. You’re so fair.
The match got underway and, as expected, it was a good one. We were given great moves and Dolph Ziggler’s cute little butt made me squeal in delight. Things took a dark turn when Punk accidentally knocked the referee out of the ring. J-Lau, the sweetheart that he is, decided to check on the referee to make sure he was OK. Problem was, at this point, Punk was making Dolph tap to the anaconda vice. Then J-Lau MAY have missed a three count whilst he was helping the ref back in the ring. CM Punk went crazy and threw Dolph up for the GTS, hitting J-Lau in the head and sending him crashing to the outside. In the process, Punk kinda got the three count again. Total accident. It was sorted in the end and CM Punk won. He brought it on himself. J-Lau is an ANGEL.
Then it was the Rumble. It’s hard to recap the match but here are the things that made me happy:
5. Kofi’s Handstand
6. Road Dogg’s return
7. Kharma’s return/hitting her finisher on Dolph
Here are the things I didn’t like:
What did you think of it? Was it the end of the world as you know it or were you too bitterly disappointed by the fact WWE have botched Jericho’s return this making us look like fools for the whole It Begins thing?
Let me know.
XO-WB
Hey everyone! No Friday Fitties gallery this week due to an issue with the video feed. The images aren’t great quality and I like to provide the best. Instead, here are my predictions for this year’s Royal Rumble.
The 30-Man Royal Rumble Match
There’s a lot of speculation over who it could be. This year WWE have really pushed the fact that literally ANYONE can enter the Royal Rumble. This opens up the PPV in many ways because it means that people can do double duty. So, it means that the guys already in matches can enter.
There is a lot of talk about the winner being either Chris Jericho or Randy Orton. I think there’s a lot of weight behind the Chris Jericho argument. He’s made it very clear that the world as we know it is going to change. In fact, it’s almost like the WWE is TRYING to tell us he’s going to win. Then there’s Randy Orton. He’s back after an injury but his feud with Wade Barrett seems far from over as their match on Smackdown was a non-starter. I don’t think either Randy Orton is going to be the winner. As I feel Randy Orton doesn’t have any fire behind him. Nobody WANTS him to be a champion. I have a feeling Orton is going to eliminate Barrett and Barrett will eliminate Orton.
My money is on Chris Jericho. My reasons for which I will list below.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO
CM Punk v Dolph Ziggler w/Special Guest Referee J-Lau (WWE Championship)
So, a simple segue into this discussion. There’s a lot of theory around this match and what will happen. J-Lau has already been told that if he screws Punk then he won’t have a job. I’ve been talking about my Y2J/Stephanie McMahon theory for a very long time now and I believe it’ll tie into this match… I think that Stephanie is working against Triple H. Triple H as COO was actually pretty fair and, it turns out, is pro-Punk. In fact, when Otunga read out the letter on Raw, Punk said that Triple H was going to come back and do the right thing. This is where I feel Stephanie will be involved. She doesn’t want to do the right thing; she doesn’t want a guy like Punk as champion. I believe she’s the girl in the It Begins videos.
So how does that tie into this match? I think that the match will be real good; I think it’ll be great but I think it’ll end in a DQ. How exactly that will happen, I’m not too sure. I’m presuming it’s going to involve J-Lau being knocked out and Triple H bringing another referee to the ring who catches Vickie or Swags getting involved. Either way, it’ll be a DQ.
Everyone will be pissed off. I then think that Jericho will be helped in the Rumble. I think that it could possibly end up with Kevin Nash and Chris Jericho as the final two contestants and Nash throws himself over. Or, possibly, the lights will go down (all but Jericho’s jacket) and then everyone will have been eliminated declaring Jericho the winner.
Then on Raw we’ll get the reveal… as Triple H goes to fire J-Lau he’s interrupted by Chris Jericho AND… his wife. She says that she has control from the Board, which she’s been behind it all along, Trips is weak etc.
WINNER: CM PUNK
Daniel Bryan v The Big Show v Mark Henry [ Triple Threat Steel Cage Match] (World Heavyweight Championship)
An interesting feud here that has one prong too many. I think that they’re trying to work Mark Henry into the match so he’s still seen as dominant, but at the same time, it’s distracting from the real story where we’re supposed to decide who is turning heel.
It’s very clear that Daniel Bryan is becoming an asshole. But it’s Big Show who is also showing change. He’s gotten angrier, louder, more unpredictable. Nothing makes anybody crazier that guilt.
The other problem we have is that every time Show and Henry have a match, something gets broken. So I think it’s safe to assume that this isn’t going to be much of a cage match.
I also think that AJ will be wheeled to the ring in a neck brace, looking very injured and that will distract The Big Show.
So who will win? I predict that The Big Show will take out Mark Henry but the ruckus between the two ends up slightly hurting AJ. Show goes to check on her (this is presuming they break the cage) and AJ stands up and kicks him in the nuts. Bryan gets a few chair shots in, rolls him into the ring and makes Show tap.
Bryan and AJ celebrate… the new heel couple.
WINNER: DANIEL BRYAN
John Cena v Kane
This has been a storyline I’ve not cared much for but it’ll be an interesting match. Cena’s angry poopface indicated that he was starting to snap and all along Kane has been trying to get him to embrace the hate.
I think this match will end with Cena getting DQ’d… he goes too far and really rips into Kane. Referees, trainers etc and throws aside by a furious Cena who then pulverises Kane. Cena is finally held back and realises what he’s become whilst Kane gets up on his feet, laughs and sets off his pyro… his mission complete.
WINNER: KANE
So, they’re my predictions… what are yours? Hit me up!
Raw this week was fun and a great lead in for Royal Rumble. I enjoyed it but it has to be said, it also bought the LOLs. So what happened? Well read on.
Raw opened up with CM Punk who was ready to give comment on John Laurinaitis’ revelation that he WILL screw Punk at the Royal Rumble. A revelation similar to a gay porn star… everybody saw it coming. Punk was, obviously, livid and said that he wanted J-Lau to come say it to his face. He kept repeating that. I have a feeling that Alex Riley was somewhere backstage hoping that I’d bring on a chant but… it didn’t.
What it did was bring out John Cena who was sporting one of his many LOLworthy faces. This time he was Serious Cena. He told Punk he was sick of him whining and wanted action. He said that J-Lau was going to come down, give Ryder a rematch, give him a match v Kane that night AND at the Royal Rumble and THEN he would resign. Let’s hold the phone for a minute. I’m totally pro-Cena. I think the guy is a genius who is unfairly lambasted by the WWE Fans. However, if you fuck with J-Lau, you fuck with me. I WILL not have my SMS buddy compromised. You hear me, Cena? I simply would not survive if my telephonic ROFLcopters with J-Lau were no longer.
Anyways, J-Lau came down and said that he regretted nothing last week. Tee-hee. He told Cena that the Ryder thing was a mistake and that he should get over it. He’s so right, let it go Cena. I have a feeling Cena is a step away from going all Adele and releasing an album. I guess his idea of Rolling In The Deep is something completely different. J-Lau said that Cena will get his match against Kane at Royal Rumble but Ryder will face Kane live on Raw. Cena was livid but Punk moreso when Laurinaitis declared there would be a tag match! Their opponents? Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger.
Ziggler took to the mic to explain that Punk needs to start worrying about him. He then handed Swagger the mic and yelled “TELL ‘EM SWAGS”. I hereby declare that Jack Swagger will be now known as Swags. So Swags and Ziggler got into the ring and the match got under way. It was relatively shenanigan free but the action began to heat up as it looked like Punk was about to pick up the win. However, he pushed a referee aside and J-Lau wasn’t happy with this obvious breach of rules. He had been at ringside the entire match and wasn’t going to put up with it. He got up on the apron, as Punk climbed the ropes, and yelled at Punk. Punk reacted violently (I’m still mad about that btw. Leave J-Lau ALONE) but it allowed Ziggler to roll Punk up for the win… again.
It was clearly Punk’s own fault; however, he had the audacity to blame J-Lau for his problems and demanded the two sort it face-to-face in a match. J-Lau agreed!
Next we had a Jericho Highlight Reel. This was Jericho’s long-running chat show but it came with its own complications due to Jericho’s vow of silence (other than C’MOONNN and YEAHHHH of course). After doing his usual mugging of the audience (not literally) he then played us all a clip. It showed his debut and his two big returns. Interestingly, all of them were viral-based. Something we already guessed. Anyways, Jericho kept shushing the audience which was needed. Bit of a sidenote but who was that bitch that kept screaming throughout the show? I swear to God, it was so annoying. At one point I thought she was getting raped. It was ridiculous. Back to the action, Jericho finally spoke announcing that the Royal Rumble will be “the end of the world as we know it.” Ooh I say.
Backstage we got a glimpse of Zack Ryder who was nervous about his upcoming falls count anywhere match against Kane. His girlfriend and scene-ruiner Eve was also there. Mick Foley turned up too and told Zack that Kane may be scary but deep down he’s human. Which kind of goes against the fact that he’s meant to be supernatural (unless he’s pre-recorded). Eve then begged Zack not to do the match whilst I was hoping Kane would come do that face smothering thing on me so I didn’t have to sit through anymore of Eve’s acting. Then John Cena came up to tell Zack that he’d help him. Zack was all “keep out of it, bro.” How rude.
The match was immediately after and Ryder barely got an offense in. Kane beat Ryder mercifully and the two ended up on the stage. After slamming Ryder into the big WWE logo, he then slammed him through the stage. I am a huge fan of people being put through the stage. I love it, and I don’t care what that makes me. This then resulted in 10 minutes of bad acting as Ryder was wheeled backstage and Cena appeared sporting his new “concerned yet angry” face. Ryder, the medics, Eve and Cena went backstage where an ambulance was waiting. I just want to say that I wish the WWE would run the emergency services in the UK because, man are their response times quick. Anyhoo, as Ryder was loaded into the ambulance, Eve told Cena it was entirely his fault. Jeez, pressure a guy much? Maybe if Eve was less annoying and better in the sack, Zack wouldn’t feel the need to bust a nut in the ring. Sort of.
Cena was obviously upset which was clearly a great time for Josh Matthews to conduct an interview. Matthews has worse timing than Ashton Kutcher taking a holiday when his ex-wife is in hospital. Cena wasn’t up for an interview the result of which is my favourite Cena face ever. It was his “I’M SO ANGRY I MAY HAVE SHIT MYSELF” face. Adore.
For some reason, nobody at WWE has cottoned onto the fact that Jinder Mahal sucks and he’s bringing Sheamus down. The two had a match; Wade Barrett was on commentary… Sheamus won. He challenged Wade. Wade refused. Basically, I went to the bathroom.
We then went backstage to The Miz who was also stating how he was going to win the Royal Rumble. There have been Royal Rumblings that Miz was being put back as a mid-carder because of his attitude. CM Punk also recently slammed him in a radio interview. I actually think it’s more to do with Miz’s international press tour but whatever. Miz was letting the world know that he is going to be a champion again because, quite simply, he was the number one most must see WWE superstar. Which perhaps is the number one most complicated title to give yourself. R Truth, however, had a different ideas and turned up in glasses and an ill-fitting white shirt. He said he was from WWE Marketing which I refuse to believe actually exists. He said that Miz was actually number one annoying, whining and number one nincompoop. He also said he rated highly as W.E.I.O meaning what else is on. Something I asked myself during the segment. The answer? Nothing. R Truth ended his insulting rant by calling The Miz a Jackass. I’d happily like to jack his ass. I’d also like to apologise for that awful wordplay. As Miz and Truth got heated, J-Lau turned up as they were distracting him from preparing for his match. It actually looked like Otunga had just give him a handjob but whatevs. J-Lau said that the two will have a match and the loser will be the #1 entrant in the Royal Rumble. Interesting.
We then returned to ringside where William Regal joined commentary. Then it was Funkasaurus time as Brodus Clay danced his way into the ring. He was sporting a white tracksuit this time. I’m not going to lie; I’ve actually been practicing my Funkasaurus dance moves. So far I’ve broken 2 lamps and 4 bones. Regal was bringing the announcing LOLs after referring to Brodus as “septic tripe”. Something which, I know from experience, is served in Blackpool Chip Shops. Brodus went up against One Man Rockband or as I call it One Man Bad Gimmick Heath Slater. Brodus won. I danced. Also, if there are any doctors that read this, next time you declare someone dead, please instead just say “SOMEONE CALL HIS MOMMA.” Oh and record it. Thanks.
Then we had the R Truth v The Miz match. Now before I said that the stipulation was interesting. If you don’t remember what you read two paragraphs ago, J-Lau declared that the loser of the match would be the #1 entrant into the Royal Rumble. Something you’d think would be a disadvantage. Howwwevverrrrr, during the commercial break between the Brodus match and The Miz match, we were given a Royal Rumble by-the-numbers vignette. This told us that the #1 entrant and the #30 entrant had both gained the same number of Rumble wins. Meaning that, actually, it’s a GOOD omen. I know, mind blown, right? Anyways, it was a good match and R Truth won meaning The Miz is the #1 entrant.
We were then told by Michael Cole that Zack Ryder has suffered a broken back. I guess this means you’re on top, Eve.
Backstage, J-Lau was getting warmed up when Otunga walked in and handed him a letter. J-Lau looked like he’d seen a ghost or perhaps Otunga had shown him a picture of Jennifer Hudson from when she was fat.
In the meantime, CM Punk made his way to the ring for his match. J-Lau turned up all the same but announced that the match won’t go ahead. The letter was, in fact, from the WWE Board Of Directors who are the best board of directors ever. Have you ever heard of a Board Of Directors who can get together AND agree on something so quick? Also, why do they only ever assemble during Monday Night Raw? Ask yourselves that. He told Punk that the BODs had said that J-Lau’s job was under review and would be reviewed next week by COO Triple H. He then tried to make good on his previous misdeeds by putting Foley in the Rumble and extending his apologies to Punk. He EVEN tried to make things right by giving Punk a match against Otunga there and then. But NO, Punk wasn’t happy and, after making Otunga tap to the Anaconda Vice, he then went after J-Lau. Being the calm person he is, J-Lau extended his hand and Punk shook it… only to bring J-Lau into the Go To Sleep. Interestingly, J-Lau went to sleep whilst he was over Punk’s shoulders.
CM Punk celebrated his despicable move but was soon brought down by Dolph Ziggler. TAKE THAT. #HEEL.
I just hope Triple H decides that J-Lau is doing stellar work. I couldn’t do without him. Forget Ryder’s back… the biggest break will be the one suffered by my heart.
I loved Raw but what did you think? You know what to do.
XO-WB
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